x
（寫於2016年10月6日，也是我的二十六歲生日正日）117Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMuTmDNRmxd
Lately I’ve been, I’ve been losing sleep117Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7nFl8OqQMd
Dreaming about the things that we could be117Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxHKa4Yz95B
But, baby I’ve been, I’ve been praying hard117Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCsX4BNV5FI
Said no more counting dollars, we’ll be counting stars117Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDb7qjakpbq
Yeah, we’ll be counting stars117Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCMjYUbZCq4近來，我睡得愈來愈少117Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPHIIDN56cX
總是夢想我們可能成為的人117Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnzWOJCG4Ks
但，寶貝啊，我也很努力的在禱告117Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡV01VZcfroj
祈禱我們不用再數算金錢，而是在數算星星117Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqrapuuhYjm
對，我們要數星星
今日，我26歲了。
26年前早上9時，母親剖腹生產。聯合醫院產房醫生和護士就如工廠的熟練技工一樣，把我從充滿羊水的子宮中拿出，過程快速利索。剖腹是事前預約好的，動刀程序是標準的，一些都在計劃之中。
同期，有一宗震撼世界的新聞，是世界始料未及的。
1989年6月4日，北京血流成河，肝腦塗地的是莘莘學子的屍體，急忙逃離中國國境的是記者，連關員都催促記者趕快帶著真相離開，將這件事象徵中國政治氣候急遽收緊的凶訊公諸於世。
距離九七移交，還有七八年的時間。
在我仍然慒懂無知的幼年時期，香港就在恐共與仇共的情緒之下，無奈地迎向這無法逃避的命運。
年歲稍長，中國於我還只是個模糊的概念，但在社會化和大眾媒體渲染的過程下，我知道了自己是香港人，也沾染了香港人比大陸人優越的意識。
記得中學時期曾讀過呂中文集，有一位中六七的Prefect 師姐寫過一篇文章，說自己以身為中國人為榮，並在聽到同學拒絕承認自己身為中國人而感到憤怒。當時我並未有太大感觸，只是覺得對文章內容不敢苟同。
03年，沙士。
自回歸以來，香港人從未試過如此害怕疫症，也從未試過如此團結。謝婉雯醫生的殉職，一方面令香港人恐懼，另一方面也令香港人重新思考人生中真正重要的事物為何。這一條寶貴的性命刺激人們的反思，說不定比後來的雷曼債劵和歐債危機更多也更深刻。
「我實實在在的告訴你們，一粒麥子不落在地裡死了，仍舊是一粒，若是死了，就結出許多子粒來。」－《約翰福音》12:24
03年時，我只是中二生。沙士於我而言，除了是一個新聞事件，就是一個四週的假期。當年的中學生，擔心會考高考和上大學還比較多。
I see this life like a swinging vine,117Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡquf7S3VFqM
Swing my heart across the line117Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQgl4UzUaPs
In my face is flashing signs,117Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhajJ07ER4H
Seek it out and ye shall find.我看這種人生就像在搖擺的籐枝，117Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUGbM8TnKnU
讓我的心也想要過界，117Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡG2ioOgtQTH
在我面前就是閃亮的招牌：117Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRNZsHBXtCY
「尋求它就必得著」
就在會考與高考期間，老師和媒體都如此灌輸我們：你們要上大學，在公開試考個好成績就可以！要成功而圓滿的人生，就一定要讀好書，將來找一份好工作！
我們當時如此聽信，也努力的準備考試。
高考過後，各人入讀不同的大學，社會就開始傳出大學生貶值的新聞。畢業生月入愈來愈低，內地生來港得到的資源似乎愈來多，我們本地香港人卻漸漸地被邊緣化。
我們感覺被騙了。
Old but I’m not that old117Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAiFkzdahFa
Young but I’m not that bold117Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQsLnkLNpUm
And I don’t think the world is sold117Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3bWO33NgXc
I’m just doing what we’re told年長，但不年老；117Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6XOWqEOwfI
年輕，但不輕狂。117Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡen7z2O8TQ9
我不覺世界都能用作買賣，117Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1z6W09eMT2
我只是跟著世界對我們說的去做
2012年，國民教育令全城熱鬧哄哄，「黃之鋒」和「學民思潮」成為關鍵字。
港英時代的去政治化教育，來到這年反而引發了泛政治化的社會風潮。不知何故，我心中想起了另一段聖經經文：
「你們不要想我來是叫地上太平；我來並不是叫地上太平，乃是叫地上動刀兵。117Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRgov0xLA3R
因為我來是叫人與父親生疏，女兒與母親生疏，媳婦與婆婆生疏。117Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAg8C772vOB
人的仇敵就是自己家裏的人。117Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMRhgKQ8J4K
愛父母過於愛我的，不配作我的門徒；愛兒女過於愛我的，不配作我的門徒；117Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxKhgDNJl3i
不背著他的十字架跟從我的，也不配作我的門徒。117Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ84Uul18Kc8
得著生命的，將要失喪生命；為我失喪生命的，將要得著生命。」－《馬太福音》10:34-37
終於，來到2014年的雨傘運動。117Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAjKPtBbMzQ
於我而言，這是香港歴史的轉捩點。這是公民覺醒的事件，是撕裂社會和教會的時刻，也是香港人不能不正視社會不義的關鍵事件。117Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVBQIZQQCfB
在我人生最後一個暑假，進入了解放軍駐港部隊的新圍軍營，學到了步操、軍體拳和榮譽感。本應將我教育成愛國愛港畢業生的軍訓，劫吊詭地教會了我以身為香港人為榮。
在我遊走佔領區時，看到金鍾夏愨村的公民教室、露天補習室、連儂牆、公共漂書櫃，各式街頭雨傘藝術品，放在政府總部公廁內的各種洗髮水、牙膏和女性用品，這些種種都反映了我們身為香港人的公民素質。打從出生以來，我的這份香港人身份榮譽感從未如此高漲過。
I I I I feel something so right by doing the wrong thing117Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSrpBXlyYVj
And I I I I feel something so wrong by doing the right thing在做「錯」事時，我我我我居然感到如此正確；117Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAnDJEzCufc
在做「正確」之事時，我我我我居然又感到如此錯誤I could lie, couldn’t I, couldn’t I?117Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡR4jgrVrg65
Everything that kills me makes me feel alive.其實我可以說謊騙自己，對罷？對罷？117Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnnmyD6TwRI
但會害死我的東西卻令我感到活著！
好些前輩如程翔、劉進圖和刑福增等都是（或曾經是）「大中華膠」，擁護中國和她的歴史和文化等等。作為六四後出生一代，我無法明白那種對中國的美好嚮往，但至少對「文化中國」不感到強烈抗拒。然而若論到「政治中國」，恐怕除了社會上的少數權貴階級，就沒有多少人會由衷喜歡。
政治中國令我對中國人身份引以為恥，所以我寧可說「華人」也不願說出「中國人」三字。
是掙扎，也是呼召
處身歴史的洪流中，掙扎是如此真實，生命的重量也是幾近不能承受。
除了時政，物欲橫流、紙醉金迷的消費主義，幻變的職場，可望不可即的樓價，人世間的聚合散離等等，無一不是拉扯著我們的生命，甚至扯得支離破碎。
在這破碎而迷失的世代中，世界對我們的呼聲始終不減。117Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVcmUXt5Z2g
梁家麟院長在《關於基督徒，我們說的是⋯》一書中推薦序中，寫道：「每一代都要有人起來宣告耶穌是主」，但也嚴嚴的澄清有些責任只能由這一代自己負責。117Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvwXnvjnamn
I feel her love117Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtECb7o4frz
And I feel it burn down this river every time117Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXyiCYGhr7L
Hope is our four-letter word, make that money watch it burn我感受到她的愛，117Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxARWiJKm6D
我每次都感受到它會燒掉這道洪流；117Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡURfnkso0d4
「希望」是我們的字詞，賺了的錢又眼巴巴看著錢燒掉
我們這一代，看得見希望嗎？在這彎曲悖謬的世代，我們知道自己當行之事為何嗎？
我們這一代，知道我們要負起的責任是甚麼嗎？
身為基督門徒，我思想基督在十架上的垂死景象：雙手被釘在十架上不能動彈，每吸一口氣都痛不欲生，身上連一塊遮羞布都沒有，是完全赤身在公眾眼前的全然軟弱。面對幻變人生的我們，也能在衪身上看到自己面對幻變人生的真實本我：軟弱、受限，對一切世事都沒有多少能力去操控。
Lately I’ve been, I’ve been losing sleep117Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡf88agrRJfa
Dreaming about the things that we could be117Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsiqQwUsfdi
But, baby I’ve been, I’ve been praying hard117Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEaGWKOEmg6
Said no more counting dollars, we’ll be counting stars117Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXz3pXifNJn
Yeah, we’ll be counting stars近來，我睡得愈來愈少117Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYW9gSGXAAy
總是夢想我們可能成為的人117Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRQIi8eDsLI
但，寶貝啊，我也很努力的在禱告117Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxOB1kNKjKy
祈禱我們不用再數算金錢，而是在數算星星117Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMkF5Dhatqv
對，我們要數星星
誠然，我們已經過了可以悠閒數算星星的階段。
但，也不要只顧著數算自己口袋有多少錢。
要記住我們當行之事。117Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3JTQuDlJBj
是的，要緊記我們的責任。117Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFItmwijlFw
ns216.73.216.192da2“Counting Stars” by OneRepublic117Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgMyYvKQ4nx
Lately I’ve been, I’ve been losing sleep117Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbUEeM5etFc
Dreaming about the things that we could be117Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYrwH3Uao9U
But, baby I’ve been, I’ve been praying hard117Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkrB6qzi9zV
Said no more counting dollars, we’ll be counting stars117Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuJwC044VFm
Yeah, we’ll be counting starsI see this life like a swinging vine,117Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkZUxETDcMo
Swing my heart across the line117Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7v5OS7QeSm
In my face is flashing signs,117Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡry6kYz7GPn
Seek it out and ye shall find.Old but I’m not that old117Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOz2wTiQ6Lc
Young but I’m not that bold117Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3nhj4UlTn3
And I don’t think the world is sold117Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡl7tsxTGOEL
I’m just doing what we’re toldI I I I feel something so right by doing the wrong thing117Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpxJ4Zx1x78
And I I I I feel something so wrong by doing the right thingI could lie, couldn’t I, couldn’t I?117Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡt2848MtqRR
Everything that kills me makes me feel alive.Lately I’ve been, I’ve been losing sleep117Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiqgtcMxUAs
Dreaming about the things that we could be117Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuUWWkTYNSV
Baby I’ve been, I’ve been praying hard117Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUmM8liHXAt
Said no more counting dollars, we’ll be counting stars117Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFTzDbnXYCQ
Lately I’ve been, I’ve been losing sleep117Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYfZn5Qv2la
Dreaming about the things that we could be117Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhma1IQptTN
But, baby I’ve been, I’ve been praying hard117Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡryOw5g9TL2
Said no more counting dollars, we’ll be-we’ll be counting starsYe-e-yeah
I feel her love117Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBz042VcMaK
And I feel it burn down this river every time117Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡukCVyLKpOQ
Hope is our four-letter word, make that money watch it burnOld but, I’m not that old117Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡx30DSKpU0r
Young, but I’m not that bold117Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSuTuADkv4G
And I don’t think the world is sold117Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡm47fokTLt7
I’m just doing what we’re toldAnd I I I I feel something so wrong by doing the right thing117Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbwJDLlJBEs
I could lie, couldn’t I, couldn’t I?117Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgTd8B2siBo
Everything that drowns me makes me wanna flyLately I’ve been, I’ve been losing sleep117Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTSwY4tRoCd
Dreaming about the things that we could be117Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMGhKCGE3Dh
Baby I’ve been, I’ve been praying hard117Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡa3ac3FJgBy
Said no more counting dollars, we’ll be counting stars117Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2LEPtifBVa
Lately I’ve been, I’ve been losing sleep117Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡM8bAcLLxBy
Dreaming about the things that we could be117Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxqXeFYjOic
But, baby I’ve been, I’ve been praying hard117Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEa7DDdzg4d
Said no more counting dollars, we’ll be-we’ll be counting starsOh, take that money watch it burn,117Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnihEwKtWWJ
Sing in the river the lessons I learned117Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxo7acG7Bf8
Take that money watch it burn,117Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvQtIiKYhqr
Sing in the river the lessons I learned117Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFRI1bs8hDU
Take that money watch it burn,117Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZPoZRlOnSM
Sing in the river the lessons I learned117Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡw5cqU4bG2T
Take that money watch it burn,117Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ17HyBMMsgI
Sing in the river the lessons I learnedEverything that kills me makes me feel alive117Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWT10suKWUm
Lately I’ve been, I’ve been losing sleep117Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPLTpWY9vre
Dreaming about the things that we could be117Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiQCGz07MTL
Baby I’ve been, I’ve been praying hard117Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSknYb89GKT
Said no more counting dollars, we’ll be counting stars117Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeVN0U96DNJ
Lately I’ve been, I’ve been losing sleep117Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQ63I5pCAIj
Dreaming about the things that we could be117Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡljYa8T1DHx
But, baby I’ve been, I’ve been praying hard117Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWLk2R7dBaC
Said no more counting dollars, we’ll be-we’ll be counting starsTake that money watch it burn,117Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7QhyNGGPL4
Sing in the river the lessons I learned117Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsPmIzwbdqZ
Take that money watch it burn,117Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhU5H4z5RRk
Sing in the river the lessons I learned117Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXO2RfxMhEu
Take that money watch it burn,117Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXPjVoswSET
Sing in the river the lessons I learned117Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyfkTLW8JiQ
Take that money watch it burn,117Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfo1TPePXdl
Sing in the river the lessons I learned117Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4GHO3WIMxZ
