I walk up. The soft rays of the sun hitting my eyelids. I stretch and wake up. The bed is empty except for me.
He must be up earlier than me. I look at the clock and see that is 10 a.m.
Oh great I am late. As I make my way down the stairs, I see that he left me. His car was not in the garage. Mine did not have enough fuel.
I am angry at him. Why did he leave me? Ugh.
I take a shower and get dressed. I open the drawers to neatly fold all the clothes.
Living with a man is like living with a 5-year-old.
While doing the mundane domestic work, I see some documents in Adam's wardrobe.
Curious, I open them. They are medical reports. I came to know that Adam was diagnosed with bi-polar disorder. And in my hand, I see the half-full bottle of pills.
The reports are a few months old. That means he has relapsed his treatment. He is not taking his pills. That explains his sudden mood swings. I quickly make an appointment with his doctor. I take a cab and visit his doctor.
Dr. Blussman looks to be a man in his early 50s.
"Come in, Aishwarya."
"Thank you for seeing me doctor. I came regarding my husband. We are recently married. And today, I came to know he is diagnosed with bi-polar disorder.", I say.
"Ah, yes. Adam visited me several months ago. Well since you are his wife, you might already know his history. He has suffered from depression and alcoholism. But after consultation, I was able to deduce, his symptoms resembled more to that of a bi-polar individual."
"So, what is this bi-polar disorder, doctor.?"
" A normal healthy person feels emotions along a spectrum. Think of it this way. Let us have a scale from -10 to 10. Where -10 to -1 represents the magnitude of the strength of negative emotions and 1 to 10 represents positive emotions. If you got that promotion, you might feel a happiness of level 5. But, if you just won a lottery of 1 million dollars, you might be feeling even happier .. perhaps a 9 or even a 10. Similarly, if you were having a bad day, say let us assume, your favorite coffee has run out in the cafe. You might feel disappointed. It might be a -2 or a -3. But if your loved one dies, you might experience it at -10. But a bi-polar person has only two values a -10 or a +10. They feel extreme emotions. Their brain cannot process emotions as easily as normal individuals do. I understand it is hard to live with a bi-polar person. But with love, patience and understanding and regular intake of medication, this problem will not impact that negatively on your relationship. I am sure with your help your husband can navigate normally in the world. A bi-polar person has difficilty in maintaining relationships, so there will be times that you might find yourself frustrated and want to give up. But hold on. That is an advice I can give you from my years of experience."
"Doctor. Thank you. I will make sure, he gets his medication and the support needed."
I return home. I prepare dinner. He comes home but with a bottle of alcohol in his hand.
He walks past me. I follow him. His steps are a bit uncertain.
"You have had too much to drink."
He ignores me. He is drinking from the bottle. I take a deep breath. I go towards him and grab the bottle from his hand and go to the kitchen sink and proceed to dump its contents.
He comes from behind me. His face a mask of anger. He grabs my other hand and forcefully turns me around to face him.
"Give. Me. The. Bottle", he says gritting his teeth. The nerves on his forehead are bulging.
"No", I say looking into his eyes and maintaining eye-contact.
In one powerful thrust, he grabs my waist and deposits me on the counter beside the sink.
He cages me in. I hold the bottle firmly in my hand not letting it go.
"I will ask you one last time, wife. Hand me the bottle."
His eyes look murderous. I should cave in. I should give up. I feel like a helpless person in front of a raging bull. But I gather my courage. If its one thing my Indian parents taught me- It is to never give up on family. And he was my husband regardless of the circumstances.
His face is just a few inches away from me. I lean forward. His lips just a hairsbreadth away from mine.
"I won't", I whisper defiantly looking into his eyes. The short distance between our lips creating an illusion as if our lips were touching.
His eyes darken out of anger, lust, hate and desire. In a burst of adrenalin and sudden courage I throw the bottle onto the ground. The glass shattering into millions of tiny pieces. The liquor flowing out and making a mess on the floor.
"Damn you Aishwarya!!", he exclaims and claims my mouth. He bruises my lips with his forceful kiss. I can taste his passion, anger and desire for me. He grabs me from the counter and carries me upstairs.
I realize his intention. Our bedroom is his destination. I struggle against him. His arms are like a vice. My strength nothing compared to his.
He drops me on the bed. By the time I register what is going to happen, he is on top of me.
"You temptress.", he says. All of a sudden I feel my clothes are a barrier on my skin. I realize I wanted my husband. His eyes are roaming all over my body. I feel naked and exposed to his gaze even though I have my black silk negligee on.
He slides the straps down and kisses my exposed skin. I realize then I am comfortable with my husband's touch. Infact, I crave for it.
He is kissing me all over. My face, my lips, my neck, my throat, my breasts. I close my eyes at the delicious and sensuous sensations.
I look into his eyes. He is looking at me with awe and adoration in his eyes. His eyes are glazed due to the alcohol, but I can see he still has his conscience and knows what he is doing.
"Make me your wife, husband. In body, mind, soul and spirit", I whisper against his lips. I draw him close to me. I wrap my arms around his neck. I wrap my legs around his waist and pull him in. I run my hands in his hair.
He groans in pleasure.
That night we became one. We became husband and wife. I realized then, I loved him with all of my heart. For the first time in forever, I am content. He wraps his arms around me and we sleep.
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