Your hair had that shimmer in the sun when we played outside, even though it was darker than mine. I liked how it caught the light, gave your hair something special. It reminded me of chestnuts on a sunny autumn day.10Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1dhsYtzNXM
I think you were fifteen, maybe I was seven, I don't really remember. But I was supposed to start school soon, that summer.10Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgJmw2t7iKq
I wore your old sandals, way too big for me, but you had said they were fine. I'd grow into them. You were right.
"You know, Rik... sometimes I just feel like shit," you said, just like that, as if it were a perfectly normal thing to say while walking through the woods to our spot. It made me feel uneasy inside.10Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLX7l4Zq8St
"You can't say that!" I hissed, glancing over my shoulder, and at the same time, you stopped walking. You looked at me, wide-eyed.
"Oh no!" you cried, lifting your arms and gazing up to the sky like a repenting nun. You looked like those holy women in the old paintings in the Leader's office: serene and glowing, but also somehow sad, like someone smiling while wanting to cry. "I said a bad word! Father, let me confess, I must cleanse my soul before it begins to rot!" You threw yourself backwards into the leaves like a rabid maggot, coughing as if you were dying.10Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGkJHJNdd0W
You spat into the moss. "Oh no! Shhh, brother, I'm coughing up blood! It's over..."10Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ39nYJCzYfi
I just stood there, panicking, looking around to see if anyone had heard us. "Sybelle! Stop it! Don't be so... so..."10Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNst0a0zt9J
You twitched one last time and went completely still. Looking back, it was a brilliant performance, but I was only seven and still easy to impress.10Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhuLW4CBnMn
"Sybbi? Get up! Please!" My voice was getting more and more desperate. "Please don't be so... so..." I knelt down and tried to shake you. I think you even held your breath to be extra convincing.
"So honest?" you asked suddenly, eyes wide open, scaring the breath out of me.10Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXEWlym2MGE
"Sibby, cut it out!" I yelled, now angry.10Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiRB6WuSp2s
You stood back up, brushing the leaves off your pastel robe, still with some in your hair.10Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQ3C2vDjzy6
"I just said how I feel. That's not a crime," you said casually, without anger or defiance, and we started walking again.
I looked at you, and for a moment, you seemed older. Like you knew something I couldn't yet understand.10Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDCDy0iMDEY
"But if someone hears us..." I whispered.10Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ16Evfxitnu
You shrugged, like none of it mattered. Then you bent down and picked up a large branch to use as a walking stick.10Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuwINt84CLH
"Then let them. I've smiled enough for today."10Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxjP9thIu8d
You looked like a wild hermit, or a queen gone feral, stripped of her court. I had to walk a bit faster to keep up.
You waited for me without a word. Slowed your pace so I could stay beside you.10Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwqEpmKyMBv
As we walked in silence, you didn't look at me.10Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSFOYv34Ofo
"Rik," you whispered softly. "I know you feel like that too sometimes. And that's okay."10Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmtQwU5J9OW
I didn't respond.10Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwaJyVRvJmH
You smiled. Not like usual, but just with your eyes. "You just don't want to say it yet."
It was confusing. You always questioned everything we had been taught.10Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhkrCeJBxVl
And then it was quiet again. Only the birds above us, their songs, the crunch of the forest floor under our feet, and somewhere in my stomach, a feeling I couldn't name yet.
We walked in silence until we reached our favorite clearing by the river and lay on our stomachs in the grass.10Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOHg3sKp6YD
It was one of those afternoons that were too bright and too still, and I didn't want to do anything but breathe, be in the sun, and swim in the river.10Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVy6uDpPL5z
You absentmindedly picked a clump of grass and stuck it in your mouth like some old farmer. Then that look came into your eyes; the one that always meant trouble was coming.
"Have you heard of Saint Absurdus?" you asked out of nowhere.10Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvSbmkx1kYk
I shook my head.10Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMZUkRl3FC8
"He was a real saint. Official and everything. Candles, feast days, and all that shit."10Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡs0GbJqqlCm
You leaned toward me, conspiratorially. "He never sheared his sheep. Just let their wool grow. Kept growing and growing."10Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcyZKFQxc5K
I frowned.10Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGWkznogrNq
You pointed at the sky like you were showing me something grand.
"Imagine what a sheep looks like if no one ever shears it. Like an exploded marshmallow!"10Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEcC7Hi37MG
You giggled to yourself. I found the image funny too.10Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnzOUID2lFG
"And if anyone asked why he did it, he just said, 'I want to see how big they get when no one cuts them down.' And imagine, Rik, those sheep", your eyes lit up with excitement, "those sheep got so big, they started rolling down hills like fluffy avalanches, and no one could stop them. They just got too big and wild!"
Back then I didn't know you made it all up. I nodded because you sounded so sure. I believed you, of course. Everything you said was magic.10Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaXQ9dMzC2R
Now I know it was nonsense, and maybe a bit mean to fill a little boy's head with made-up stories. But I guess that's what big sisters do.10Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmOtgj7pkGz
You looked at me, and for a second, you weren't just my sister. There was something wild in your face.10Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6S8LTh3z7w
I know now you were trying to prepare me for something I wouldn't understand for years.
"You're one of those sheep too, Rik. Don't let anyone shear you."10Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡS3jhmmaT5V
And then you spat into the grass like Saint Absurdus himself was blessing his fluffy flock.10Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJX6VGKYW8Y
And I didn't know why, but in that moment... I felt whole.
10Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmLBoeeHi4K
