Your hair had that shimmer in the sun when we played outside, even though it was darker than mine. I liked how it caught the light, gave your hair something special. It reminded me of chestnuts on a sunny autumn day.13Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbFDqZOE32k
I think you were fifteen, maybe I was seven, I don't really remember. But I was supposed to start school soon, that summer.13Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrgVgAGgrEX
I wore your old sandals, way too big for me, but you had said they were fine. I'd grow into them. You were right.
"You know, Rik... sometimes I just feel like shit," you said, just like that, as if it were a perfectly normal thing to say while walking through the woods to our spot. It made me feel uneasy inside.13Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaP6CEoBuoC
"You can't say that!" I hissed, glancing over my shoulder, and at the same time, you stopped walking. You looked at me, wide-eyed.
"Oh no!" you cried, lifting your arms and gazing up to the sky like a repenting nun. You looked like those holy women in the old paintings in the Leader's office: serene and glowing, but also somehow sad, like someone smiling while wanting to cry. "I said a bad word! Father, let me confess, I must cleanse my soul before it begins to rot!" You threw yourself backwards into the leaves like a rabid maggot, coughing as if you were dying.13Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6th06MMi8z
You spat into the moss. "Oh no! Shhh, brother, I'm coughing up blood! It's over..."13Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWJaysS1Se7
I just stood there, panicking, looking around to see if anyone had heard us. "Sybelle! Stop it! Don't be so... so..."13Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQT2RrGbQPg
You twitched one last time and went completely still. Looking back, it was a brilliant performance, but I was only seven and still easy to impress.13Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwbNiJ6DTSm
"Sybbi? Get up! Please!" My voice was getting more and more desperate. "Please don't be so... so..." I knelt down and tried to shake you. I think you even held your breath to be extra convincing.
"So honest?" you asked suddenly, eyes wide open, scaring the breath out of me.13Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGxiEjUb7jj
"Sibby, cut it out!" I yelled, now angry.13Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEJ6qCYwDUz
You stood back up, brushing the leaves off your pastel robe, still with some in your hair.13Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDiTuY5e4Nr
"I just said how I feel. That's not a crime," you said casually, without anger or defiance, and we started walking again.
I looked at you, and for a moment, you seemed older. Like you knew something I couldn't yet understand.13Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9PHhZYomxQ
"But if someone hears us..." I whispered.13Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQSQgTtD60t
You shrugged, like none of it mattered. Then you bent down and picked up a large branch to use as a walking stick.13Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcvOMtxOFJF
"Then let them. I've smiled enough for today."13Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJvIA9MWYRe
You looked like a wild hermit, or a queen gone feral, stripped of her court. I had to walk a bit faster to keep up.
You waited for me without a word. Slowed your pace so I could stay beside you.13Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5kQgggRXln
As we walked in silence, you didn't look at me.13Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwQFhFpmPQ9
"Rik," you whispered softly. "I know you feel like that too sometimes. And that's okay."13Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡA7zEjvTlqY
I didn't respond.13Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡl6niEn9F2u
You smiled. Not like usual, but just with your eyes. "You just don't want to say it yet."
It was confusing. You always questioned everything we had been taught.13Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡd3g6k87Yh8
And then it was quiet again. Only the birds above us, their songs, the crunch of the forest floor under our feet, and somewhere in my stomach, a feeling I couldn't name yet.
We walked in silence until we reached our favorite clearing by the river and lay on our stomachs in the grass.13Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡw3Wshhg5w8
It was one of those afternoons that were too bright and too still, and I didn't want to do anything but breathe, be in the sun, and swim in the river.13Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡR4WvCSrG8P
You absentmindedly picked a clump of grass and stuck it in your mouth like some old farmer. Then that look came into your eyes; the one that always meant trouble was coming.
"Have you heard of Saint Absurdus?" you asked out of nowhere.13Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIbc7yAfq3Y
I shook my head.13Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlt959KBUdu
"He was a real saint. Official and everything. Candles, feast days, and all that shit."13Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrtEgSUJQRc
You leaned toward me, conspiratorially. "He never sheared his sheep. Just let their wool grow. Kept growing and growing."13Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdQzzGTCMfh
I frowned.13Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBoMVw9LIwp
You pointed at the sky like you were showing me something grand.
"Imagine what a sheep looks like if no one ever shears it. Like an exploded marshmallow!"13Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgzdxUiTI6i
You giggled to yourself. I found the image funny too.13Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdYYt2T97Ge
"And if anyone asked why he did it, he just said, 'I want to see how big they get when no one cuts them down.' And imagine, Rik, those sheep", your eyes lit up with excitement, "those sheep got so big, they started rolling down hills like fluffy avalanches, and no one could stop them. They just got too big and wild!"
Back then I didn't know you made it all up. I nodded because you sounded so sure. I believed you, of course. Everything you said was magic.13Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9nzraoYCfo
Now I know it was nonsense, and maybe a bit mean to fill a little boy's head with made-up stories. But I guess that's what big sisters do.13Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4j6KJntsrf
You looked at me, and for a second, you weren't just my sister. There was something wild in your face.13Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCcBAK3ZPZh
I know now you were trying to prepare me for something I wouldn't understand for years.
"You're one of those sheep too, Rik. Don't let anyone shear you."13Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYuM28FtpQK
And then you spat into the grass like Saint Absurdus himself was blessing his fluffy flock.13Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡc8VRjdy3mi
And I didn't know why, but in that moment... I felt whole.
13Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXTCs3I64Aa
