Like every morning after the shared breakfast, we have to attend the sitting circle. It's routine, so I don't really mind. Still, I feel nothing afterwards.133Please respect copyright.PENANA6EWqE8q1rD
We sit in a circle, in the same robes as always, on the same cushions, with the same faces.133Please respect copyright.PENANAsBU09dZWqN
Sister Agnes begins, as always, with the same sentence. She probably dreams it by now:133Please respect copyright.PENANAFM2eHRaqRW
"The light within us may shine again today." And she strikes the same tone on the singing bowl.133Please respect copyright.PENANAx0LmVMhuAx
Some frequency that's supposed to open the heart chakra, or so we've been told.
I nod, smile, like everyone else. My smile is genuine this time. Not because Sister Agnes is especially stirring, but because I remember how you used to imitate her when no one was looking. How you once said that with all that overly colorful makeup on her wrinkled skin, she looked like a clown.133Please respect copyright.PENANAoxQZcr2tB7
Her line about the light within us echoes briefly in my mind. Not because of its meaning, but because I wonder how many times I've heard it. I don't know. But I think it's a thousand times too many.133Please respect copyright.PENANAHNZTErwvH5
I don't know what's growing inside me, but it's not light. My heart remains closed, despite the frequency.133Please respect copyright.PENANA8IA1C5zQWB
Sometimes I sit there and observe my hands while Sister Agnes preaches.133Please respect copyright.PENANAsFGVAa7Ktz
I look at the curved blue veins, the white knuckles, the slight tremble in my left index finger.133Please respect copyright.PENANAtiGx5akSyE
I think of you, Sybelle. Then of your delicate hands. Of your laugh when you exaggerated again, just to give me courage.133Please respect copyright.PENANAk5zKDHGeU7
Now it's quiet. Since you've been gone, it's quiet.133Please respect copyright.PENANAPywrP9ELNO
Not on the outside. Out there, our community hums like always, like a beehive on too much caffeine and false confidence. But inside me, it's gone quiet.133Please respect copyright.PENANAWlYH1ifVhZ
And not in the good way.
After the sitting circle comes what they call "Free Space." I call it mandatory leisure. A time when we're supposed to "cultivate our inner light."133Please respect copyright.PENANA5hfBcxxDIQ
There's a list of suggestions that never changes. Gardening. Mindful walking. Reading texts by Felix.133Please respect copyright.PENANAUbrRb13dta
I usually pick walking on nice days, because then I can think whatever I want without anyone noticing.
The path leads past the trailers, with signs that say:133Please respect copyright.PENANADbY6ZX2d1z
133Please respect copyright.PENANAF24SwXQ0UZ
"Everything is growth"133Please respect copyright.PENANAZJPGPw4Prp
"Anger is the teacher of impatience"133Please respect copyright.PENANAvNwA8vASOm
I used to try to understand those lines. And for a while, I thought I did. Now I try to tune them out. To me, they sound like a TV on static in the background.
Some in the community scatter flower petals on the path we walk, barefoot, heads bowed.133Please respect copyright.PENANAGJqxFih9PY
Our leader, Felix Hartmann, orders fresh flowers every day, their blossoms are scattered on the ground we walk on, to "celebrate life."133Please respect copyright.PENANApdFSfBIzJ7
The flowers we scatter once had roots. Bees danced over them. The wind whispered around them. Now they lie still, decoratively dismantled, on a path that's meant to celebrate life.133Please respect copyright.PENANARMarCmNx2v
I wonder what part of that is alive.133Please respect copyright.PENANAiYkZpAEFFe
Like cutting open a vein to celebrate the blood.133Please respect copyright.PENANAIuIzMa9UN9
It's so pointless. But my brothers and sisters seem happy, and maybe that's the point.133Please respect copyright.PENANAE6b22m9sSn
There is no other point in this community.133Please respect copyright.PENANAOCtvcVlMNs
I know their names and greet them like always.
Today I stop in front of the pond. A small, lifeless place. Too still.133Please respect copyright.PENANAN8iqyhHsPC
The water reflects my face, but not my feeling.133Please respect copyright.PENANAyHSx8aMB0u
I look like a good son, a loyal member of the community, an honorable man.133Please respect copyright.PENANACWLdsk8LH9
Whatever that's supposed to mean.133Please respect copyright.PENANAQuqW3Lghsn
I thought, if you hold yourself together long enough, you start to believe that's character.133Please respect copyright.PENANAkHOEgPgh66
I don't believe that anymore.
Sister Agnes wishes me a "radiant day" as she walks by.133Please respect copyright.PENANA2TODE45Xxc
I smile. Even suppress a laugh when I see her. The preaching clown in a robe.133Please respect copyright.PENANAFPtSePOeU1
And at the same time, I wonder what a radiant day is supposed to feel like when the light is missing on the inside.
I decide to go to the car workshop. My workplace.133Please respect copyright.PENANA2bQjEUypJg
Brother Karl took me on as an apprentice a few years ago, and I just stayed there, fixing cars. He's glad for the help. Not because I especially like cars. But because in the workshop, silence is allowed without being interpreted as something spiritual.
In the workshop, I can just... be. Covered in oil, silent, with dirty hands.133Please respect copyright.PENANAfrwZ0IT37k
I don't have to interpret anything as "inner imbalance." It's just dirt.
Karl runs the workshop. He doesn't talk much, which I like.133Please respect copyright.PENANAYLUDEdNT8W
When he speaks, it's as if every word has to pass through his own personal filter made of steel wool.
Today he shows me how to change a drive belt on one of the old community vans.133Please respect copyright.PENANAHOw4W2YKD2
I listen, but I'm also thinking of you, Sybelle.133Please respect copyright.PENANAJ1gk5cvgz0
You would have mimicked him. His slow, deliberate tone. The way he taps the wrench with his fingers like it's his personal meditation instrument.133Please respect copyright.PENANACNWWHgHJ17
I have to be careful not to laugh out loud.133Please respect copyright.PENANA4ApMZ2q0TN
I miss you.
"All good with you?" he asks, without looking at me.133Please respect copyright.PENANABGiNVYeZKH
I nod. He says nothing more. Silently, I thank him for that.
The workshop smells of metal and engine oil, sometimes in summer also faintly of sweat. The scent is old, heavy, honest.133Please respect copyright.PENANAdtYBac8i8H
Not like artificial candles and cheap incense sticks in the community huts, which smell of lavender and repression.
I like working with my hands. Taking something apart. Cleaning it. Putting it back together. That makes sense. You can see when something is broken.133Please respect copyright.PENANA7Y844MV06L
And sometimes, you can fix it.
For me, it's the only place in the community where no one pretends everything is whole.133Please respect copyright.PENANAIP5JnwX0Ce
We never talk about it. But I think Brother Karl feels the same.133Please respect copyright.PENANALmHw0ZP0oc
When he thinks no one's looking, his smile vanishes too, and he looks pensive.
Later, Brother Karl says, "The van has to be ready for the drive tomorrow."133Please respect copyright.PENANAES4albC8Up
I nod again. He pats me on the shoulder. It's one of the few real touches I've felt lately. Not because it means something. But because it doesn't want to.
133Please respect copyright.PENANArCjwf9XcpZ