Like every morning after the shared breakfast, we have to attend the sitting circle. It's routine, so I don't really mind. Still, I feel nothing afterwards.10Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTXBdwpuCl4
We sit in a circle, in the same robes as always, on the same cushions, with the same faces.10Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUNAi7FhHzW
Sister Agnes begins, as always, with the same sentence. She probably dreams it by now:10Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDXFXN74bke
"The light within us may shine again today." And she strikes the same tone on the singing bowl.10Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvO1pzQn71B
Some frequency that's supposed to open the heart chakra, or so we've been told.
I nod, smile, like everyone else. My smile is genuine this time. Not because Sister Agnes is especially stirring, but because I remember how you used to imitate her when no one was looking. How you once said that with all that overly colorful makeup on her wrinkled skin, she looked like a clown.10Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLjuc5I8ZDT
Her line about the light within us echoes briefly in my mind. Not because of its meaning, but because I wonder how many times I've heard it. I don't know. But I think it's a thousand times too many.10Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡY2Vohi8WYI
I don't know what's growing inside me, but it's not light. My heart remains closed, despite the frequency.10Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡi7KBwrkZcN
Sometimes I sit there and observe my hands while Sister Agnes preaches.10Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBEJoIA2uSa
I look at the curved blue veins, the white knuckles, the slight tremble in my left index finger.10Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ22SU4UyZMr
I think of you, Sybelle. Then of your delicate hands. Of your laugh when you exaggerated again, just to give me courage.10Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwX2B9LISXc
Now it's quiet. Since you've been gone, it's quiet.10Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzLzuGtnb9x
Not on the outside. Out there, our community hums like always, like a beehive on too much caffeine and false confidence. But inside me, it's gone quiet.10Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡT1ZAPGWrF1
And not in the good way.
After the sitting circle comes what they call "Free Space." I call it mandatory leisure. A time when we're supposed to "cultivate our inner light."10Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPNQUjmZ2j2
There's a list of suggestions that never changes. Gardening. Mindful walking. Reading texts by Felix.10Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZxYMJsNKCS
I usually pick walking on nice days, because then I can think whatever I want without anyone noticing.
The path leads past the trailers, with signs that say:10Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡC4Gu18AHyd
10Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGYoKoDZmG4
"Everything is growth"10Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvL5OXz7ewQ
"Anger is the teacher of impatience"10Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡC3lxULTgkS
I used to try to understand those lines. And for a while, I thought I did. Now I try to tune them out. To me, they sound like a TV on static in the background.
Some in the community scatter flower petals on the path we walk, barefoot, heads bowed.10Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtc4u2r3iAI
Our leader, Felix Hartmann, orders fresh flowers every day, their blossoms are scattered on the ground we walk on, to "celebrate life."10Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡffJ0dYQzfF
The flowers we scatter once had roots. Bees danced over them. The wind whispered around them. Now they lie still, decoratively dismantled, on a path that's meant to celebrate life.10Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7k6AUHevc9
I wonder what part of that is alive.10Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5p4JpaDd1i
Like cutting open a vein to celebrate the blood.10Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1bMEkUXwsj
It's so pointless. But my brothers and sisters seem happy, and maybe that's the point.10Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡb8yOXd7wIa
There is no other point in this community.10Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8lojlSksW5
I know their names and greet them like always.
Today I stop in front of the pond. A small, lifeless place. Too still.10Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuntzy4Ivk7
The water reflects my face, but not my feeling.10Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlzCBVDIOuv
I look like a good son, a loyal member of the community, an honorable man.10Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGGwbpUE3cR
Whatever that's supposed to mean.10Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKpAu1zGNtU
I thought, if you hold yourself together long enough, you start to believe that's character.10Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgAaxoy3j7n
I don't believe that anymore.
Sister Agnes wishes me a "radiant day" as she walks by.10Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7kd7Xq1XtN
I smile. Even suppress a laugh when I see her. The preaching clown in a robe.10Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbsHXmX6yXk
And at the same time, I wonder what a radiant day is supposed to feel like when the light is missing on the inside.
I decide to go to the car workshop. My workplace.10Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuEWnFcQwgk
Brother Karl took me on as an apprentice a few years ago, and I just stayed there, fixing cars. He's glad for the help. Not because I especially like cars. But because in the workshop, silence is allowed without being interpreted as something spiritual.
In the workshop, I can just... be. Covered in oil, silent, with dirty hands.10Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTkXPBbIsne
I don't have to interpret anything as "inner imbalance." It's just dirt.
Karl runs the workshop. He doesn't talk much, which I like.10Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtLfLlX2xWI
When he speaks, it's as if every word has to pass through his own personal filter made of steel wool.
Today he shows me how to change a drive belt on one of the old community vans.10Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBEd1nCZqyX
I listen, but I'm also thinking of you, Sybelle.10Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzhcJqpWULZ
You would have mimicked him. His slow, deliberate tone. The way he taps the wrench with his fingers like it's his personal meditation instrument.10Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡu3cnoumnyQ
I have to be careful not to laugh out loud.10Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0GxVb9M1cj
I miss you.
"All good with you?" he asks, without looking at me.10Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8o6XrsOr1U
I nod. He says nothing more. Silently, I thank him for that.
The workshop smells of metal and engine oil, sometimes in summer also faintly of sweat. The scent is old, heavy, honest.10Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡW71ukWyAlN
Not like artificial candles and cheap incense sticks in the community huts, which smell of lavender and repression.
I like working with my hands. Taking something apart. Cleaning it. Putting it back together. That makes sense. You can see when something is broken.10Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡURljI576NK
And sometimes, you can fix it.
For me, it's the only place in the community where no one pretends everything is whole.10Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡR1GYcoROoU
We never talk about it. But I think Brother Karl feels the same.10Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7Q6Jlbi85p
When he thinks no one's looking, his smile vanishes too, and he looks pensive.
Later, Brother Karl says, "The van has to be ready for the drive tomorrow."10Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxNfJAJ2hn2
I nod again. He pats me on the shoulder. It's one of the few real touches I've felt lately. Not because it means something. But because it doesn't want to.
10Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuDeik4icRj
