BLOOD AND HUMAN MEAT
Phobia from the perspective of a girl named Khushi.Written by a friend who finally decided to tell her story.
I love animals.15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSumCsGG0bi
I really do.But I can’t go near them. Not because I’m scared of them—But because I’m scared of me.15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXYeQIAryGL
I’ve always had this... space inside me.An emptiness that hums. It feels cold and loud and quiet all at once.I try to ignore it. But sometimes it whispers.15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4HfDIMWsnP
And sometimes, it screams.
I remember the first time it really happened.One second I was laughing with my younger brother—The next, I was slamming his head into the table.Again.And again.And again.Until he stopped moving.15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7ACZQfzxIq
I didn’t want to.But I couldn’t stop.When it was over, I cried so hard I couldn’t breathe.That was the day I knew: something was wrong with me.
It got worse.I started craving blood. Not in a fantasy way. In a physical way.I imagined tearing into the people I loved.My parents.My friends.Alive.15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡY3RUT7lXhu
Their skin. Their smell. Their muscles pulling away from bone.15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsNwWincYdH
I stopped eating. I stopped sleeping. I stopped touching anyone.To keep them safe, I hurt myself.Scratched my skin raw.Bruised my own body with blunt objects.I counted 110 scars across my legs, my arms, my torso—like tally marks in a prison I built myself.15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsqBrK0C0oz
I didn’t want to die.I wanted to be caged.
For one year, I rotted quietly.15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3eWUwDqvs3
Then one night, I caught myself watching my father with a hunger in my eyes that terrified me.15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlKakqdtPHb
I left home the next day.
I moved into a PG far from the city.I begged for a single room. Didn’t get it.Luckily, my roommates were never there when I was.It was like the world was giving me space to fall apart.15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8vjgNWevFN
I tried to die seven times.15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyUi4q0XlLC
Jumped from a balcony.Held a knife to my throat.Grabbed a live wire.Stood in front of speeding cars.I always failed. Some part of me—just a thread—held on.15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡC4as9GRRgF
But the cravings didn’t stop.So I bought handcuffs. Three of them.Every night, I locked my wrists and ankles together before bed, just in case.15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrigOr82tTq
I didn’t want to become a monster in my sleep.
Six months later, I stood naked in front of a mirror and counted the injuries again.15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6yLXlkPSHy
There were more now.Too many to hide.Too many to keep living like this.15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEghMoaxsIB
So I asked for help.
The psychologist listened. Didn’t flinch.He said my obsession with blood and flesh was a twisted coping mechanism.A need for control.A desperate scream for power in a world where I once felt powerless.15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLpSECSdsTX
He said something inside me had snapped long ago.Something I'd never been taught to name.15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡn2v1J2CWXu
Now I’ve been in treatment for three months.15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoCXHf2YhyE
Still breathing.Still afraid.15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ57EWiAzoi0
Still me.
I don’t know if I’ll ever be "better."I don’t even know what “better” looks like.15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMM8vge37OY
But at least now, the monster isn’t hiding.It’s sitting across from me in the mirror.And we’re learning how to live together—without killing anyone.15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjnMBALOXV8
Not today.Not again.
[Optional Epilogue: From an Outsider’s Eyes]
15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡF5nRpuPQCyShe talks like she’s made of glass, but her eyes are iron.You wouldn’t know what she’s survived unless she told you. You wouldn’t believe her even if she did.But I do. Because sometimes the ones who scare themselves the most… are the ones still trying to protect the world from their darkness.15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxULKqPYe3B
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