I feel myself wringing my hands in my lap while pretending to focus on the untouched margarita sitting directly in front of me. My leggings are becoming frayed and I decide to mentally pick off the fuzzy bits so that maybe, just maybe, I can relax.332Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFYy7LRkIMr
It doesn’t work, so I decide to try to count the seeds floating around in my strawberry margarita before I realize how ridiculous I’m being. 332Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZX2i8XNYPy
It’s New Year’s Eve!332Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9LJZfpXrpM
Wynn is emphatic as ever—her arms are outstretched as she explains how big the rat family she saw in the subway was. I decide to focus on her and get out of my own head.332Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPQWIRxXQlk
“I’m talking HUGE. And they were kinda cute! I thought about taking one home, actually. But I didn’t want to break up the family, and c’mon. Who needs four rats?”332Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVX64Id3pRJ
Our friend group groans in unison and I think that’s my cue. I grab my hefty margarita and stand, opting for the balcony to grab some fresh air and to not think about rat families.332Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxbwILB2mxY
“Rozz? Don’t think you’re about to leave us to deal with Wynn’s stories!” Mira shouts as I make my way around the bar. I turn around and shoot her smile and yell back, “I wouldn’t dream of it!”332Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1wMgNqUS2k
My margarita sloshes in my hand as I expertly navigate through the crowd and fight not to look for you-know-who.332Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcCDi2sB44A
Wait. I guess you don’t know. 332Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡH5KLmhRWb0
I’m new to this storytelling thing, so be patient with me! He’s kinda the reason I’m so in my own head tonight. I was just expecting things to go so differently and here I am—going into the new year being the same ball of trepidation and anxiety. I want to be different. I want to be bold and confident. Wynn, Mira, all of my friends really, are go-getters. Confidence oozes off of them in vibrant waves while my insecurities feel glued to my skin.332Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYAyeCOuecH
I’m outside before I realize it, my inner dialogue navigating me better than any auto pilot ever could. The railing of the balcony is adorned with fairy lights and I take extra care to lean my elbow in a vacant space before peering over the edge.332Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1FQAmEfzKE
We’re on the 16th floor and I feel like I can see the world’s perimeter from here. Something about being up high on New Year’s Eve night while being romantically depressed feels oddly magical. I feel like if I were to jump, I’d float.332Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvo4yi1Sl5F
God, what the hell am I thinking?332Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTf2kbhcxO9
I close my eyes and take a giant sip of my drink. Clearly I’m in need. Why did I reschedule my appointment with my therapist? Maybe—332Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4TKYMMAqzp
332Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOqi4uUA99j
“Rozz, Rozz, Rozz. I’ve found you.”332Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡr7v68PtMPx
I inhale and keep it there, shutting my eyes even tighter. I’m not ready. God, I’m not ready at all. My anxiety is so deep and palpable that I can see it melting into my skin in layers. 332Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiulC2IG1K4
Why did I come here?332Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡobt6xxacOI
I’m so pathetic. He’s my light, my lantern. I look to him even knowing he’s way too hot for me to touch and come out unscathed.332Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDKzwiWT0xy
I reach for him knowing that my hand will forever be outstretched, waiting for the warmth that only he can bring. I’m nothing more than a moth predestined to a scorching, unremarkable death.332Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqgj4o3YGZn
I force the exhale out, plaster on a fake smile and turn around.332Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqhagdZRfo2
“So you have! You've been having fun, Ezra?”332Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4kCu053Jfk
My voice comes out unnaturally high pitched and squeaky and I groan inwardly. I’ve got to get myself under control.332Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡB9JVNT0PPO
Ezra leans against the balcony next to me, beer in tow, regarding me with a look I’m pretty unfamiliar with. After demanding eye contact with a gaze that could pierce any barrier, he finally speaks.332Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqDUtl9plBe
“You’ve been avoiding me, Rozz.”332Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiusggxAgXy
Fuck.332Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9tV3N7hNAq
Always to the point, that Ezra. I’d been avoiding the fucker all night and of course he notices. Why does it matter anyway? The rumor mill (my friends) definitely said that Nadia had kissed him and he seemed pretty into it. What else did we have to discuss?332Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5bMHymtIVO
We’re just friends, anyway. Always have been. Always will be. I’m the one that messed up and fell in love. I didn’t want this.332Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxrnO7vpBHx
My hand finds itself back on my leggings, plucking away.. I watch as his eyes follow the movement. I try to focus on the strawberry flavor of the margarita that’s still on my tongue. It’s my favorite one, I think. 332Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9aWfzhdxVj
What do I even say back?332Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡATa5pHQu1z
Lie?332Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡruLvl2wxaC
“What? I’d never.”332Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡogJGHeggZC
I smile and push the straw out of the way to guzzle my drink. I need the extra fuel. Yum, more strawberries.332Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZEZA5suX9K
Ezra smiles lazily and takes a sip of his beer.332Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLZXmiHjN6G
“I gotta say. Lying and then chugging your drink doesn’t really sell it. Maybe workshop that for next time.”332Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQIsGnsyQ5P
Okay, so lying didn’t work.332Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAldDKGP3ud
I almost choke on my drink as laughter erupts from me and I punch him in the shoulder.332Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUhm3evtYJI
“Here’s a thought. You could’ve just let the lie fly?”332Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6WmtsF02v4
He chuckles and adjusts his glasses before regarding me more seriously once more.332Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡn7PVNBHtDv
“Or you could not lie to me? What’s going on?”332Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmp4SyQ9Mwi
The way his voice drips with concern for me makes my heart pulse and ache. My eyes focus on his lips for a moment before flickering back up to his eyes. He has no idea how emotionally devastated I am and his genuine concern is making me want to vomit. Or maybe it was the margarita. 332Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKGkphs7sdV
I can’t take it.332Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEyfYUFJwfJ
My drink now completely empty, I begin to make my way back inside. The sudden movement causes warmth to go to my tummy and fog to my brain. Oh god, I’m buzzed. I can’t be alone with him like this.332Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZvweF18GhV
“Why don’t we get more drinks? Also the countdown will probably–”332Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ38Jn7whd5I
I’m cut off by him wrapping his hand around my forearm and gently pulling me toward him.332Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlBw5E0A8di
“We can do the countdown out here.”332Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUCqhK9CEcF
Oh, he’s definitely been drinking. He’s never been this forward before. 332Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6PHHHrb0fr
I swallow.332Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCuadfcZEkp
“Just the two of us?”332Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2V0zu2R06J
“Is being alone with me suddenly so bad?”332Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMg287OrM9H
“How many beers have you had, Ezra?”332Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfTL53aFTLd
“Why does it matter?”332Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaTa9SbXCou
I can smell him and I feel my eyes fight to flutter close. Shit.332Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMjzXqSkGXO
He repositions his hand further down my arm and grabs my hand. I guess he thinks I’m going to make a run for it.332Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQnz5I5hTxM
“Okay, okay. It doesn’t matter. But since we’re out here, how are you? How have things been with–”332Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9cEWfnujoC
“Rozzlyn.”332Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgN4ofAUIeX
The way he says my name makes my entire body tingle. It was almost a whisper, a secret that wrapped around only us and made me fall even further.332Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvKmVmII7gi
I lick my lips out of nervousness and watch as his eyes follow my tongue.332Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWrCL7bPveV
Jesus Christ.332Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlOPOJeeYf8
Why isn’t he looking for Nadia?332Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡraICgPfBuN
“Ezra, I just..I can’t talk about it with you.”332Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUmuyctjtfD
His eyebrows furrow.332Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDenZhgUC5Z
“Why not? We’ve always talked about everything. Why is this different?”332Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtSLwQqUe8w
“Because this is about you and it’s my problem to deal with.”332Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyVdJMKDPwT
“What does that mean?”332Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXWoBc8sWzC
“Where’s Nadia?”332Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡe9pW7ggUVw
I regret it as soon as I ask. I couldn’t help myself. Nadia is a damn scab that I can’t not pick, knowing the wound will only deepen because of it.332Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhrmfcieQJ0
Ezra genuinely looks surprised and for some reason, it makes me irritated.332Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9N7vU7qksC
“What? Why are you asking about Nadia so suddenly? And why would I know?”332Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdFbQXPDNNF
I can’t hide my irritation at this point so I huff and step away from his grasp.332Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqVlQMez5V1
“Isn’t she your girlfriend? Or do you just kiss anybody?”332Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpkyzzemj3J
I’m becoming uglier and uglier and I hate myself. I feel the warmth of the margarita loosening my lips and at this point, I just want another one. I might as well drown in my desolation.332Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSIyqjAQauF
It’s all I’m worth.332Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4de37iB5HX
I’m spiraling so fast but I encourage it. I feel the familiar black hole of despair starting at my feet to engulf me whole and I close my eyes and prepare to be overtaken. I will never be good enough for Ezra, for anyone. I don’t even like myself. I pretend to be charming, to be bubbly, to be mentally well, just so that no one finds out the truth. 332Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡP6kCI0VyMP
I’m empty.332Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwJeQwDDoj2
The black hole reaches my arms at this point and I smile sadly. I’ll just mentally retreat back into my familiar nothingness. I finally feel at peace about all of this. 332Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2aTaV9T3SS
Before the black hole gets to my neck, I feel Ezra slowly cradle my face and look at me like he sees me. His thumbs are wiping at my cheeks and I realize I’m crying. He tilts his head and leans his forehead against mine.332Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdNzOnQHebE
“You stupid, stupid woman.”332Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHQXPoWk6OZ
His lips marry mine and time stops. There is no bar, there is no balcony, there is no Nadia. 332Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNwsArFidTW
The black hole begins to retreat and my heartbeat is echoing in my ears.332Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmTkw4LzIsD
Is this real?332Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3xLyA9OyVx
He pulls away but our noses are still touching.332Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCV2RjwOTRe
“You don’t have the right to be jealous, Rozz. I’ve been in love with you for years and now you decide to be jealous of Nadia of all people? She kissed me and I pushed her away. You have no idea how long I’ve been waiting just to be seen by you. I notice when you try out a new lotion, when you fixate on a new favorite color, when you’re in a depressive spiral…”332Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8hZBQ26oPp
I’m still too speechless to speak, but I feel my hands warm up with embarrassment. I should really call my therapist…332Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRHD6RrNXBG
He leans forward and marries our lips again, this time for much longer. I can’t hide my eagerness and I nip, lick and bite at him until he groans. His arms wrap around my sides, tickling the skin under my sweater and I lean further into him. Our tongues take turns exploring the other’s mouth in long, languid, licks.332Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNHZZP0M4J8
“You’re making me love strawberries, Rozz…” 332Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdueeaDToTl
I pull away and bury my face in my hands.332Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIqPeSLA18O
“I can’t believe you…feel the same way..”332Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡb5zPObMx90
Ezra pulls my hands away and looks at me while chuckling.332Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7eDXFOPeOJ
“I felt this way first. I've just been waiting for you to love me back.”332Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUiLjBinur9
We hear people beginning to countdown and I look at my phone.332Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5ZPglX5liJ
“11:59. I love you back, Ezra. I love you so much, it hurts.”332Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnxi3V3nSmJ
Everyone shouts “HAPPY NEW YEAR!”332Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3DlGeP9Ws5
I wrap my hands around his neck and I promise myself that I will kiss him until I die.332Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2pjOcHjlbR
I’ve never wanted anything more.
332Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxE1IGEcMRx
