I feel myself wringing my hands in my lap while pretending to focus on the untouched margarita sitting directly in front of me. My leggings are becoming frayed and I decide to mentally pick off the fuzzy bits so that maybe, just maybe, I can relax.144Please respect copyright.PENANA6pxJK4l3Nh
It doesn’t work, so I decide to try to count the seeds floating around in my strawberry margarita before I realize how ridiculous I’m being. 144Please respect copyright.PENANA130n42Wavw
It’s New Year’s Eve!144Please respect copyright.PENANAfOfuu8aPJV
Wynn is emphatic as ever—her arms are outstretched as she explains how big the rat family she saw in the subway was. I decide to focus on her and get out of my own head.144Please respect copyright.PENANAIvlKtruWPh
“I’m talking HUGE. And they were kinda cute! I thought about taking one home, actually. But I didn’t want to break up the family, and c’mon. Who needs four rats?”144Please respect copyright.PENANAwfij8pvAv7
Our friend group groans in unison and I think that’s my cue. I grab my hefty margarita and stand, opting for the balcony to grab some fresh air and to not think about rat families.144Please respect copyright.PENANAjGWtji8lEf
“Rozz? Don’t think you’re about to leave us to deal with Wynn’s stories!” Mira shouts as I make my way around the bar. I turn around and shoot her smile and yell back, “I wouldn’t dream of it!”144Please respect copyright.PENANA6fJNp9mRHN
My margarita sloshes in my hand as I expertly navigate through the crowd and fight not to look for you-know-who.144Please respect copyright.PENANAlF2AkR8MnV
Wait. I guess you don’t know. 144Please respect copyright.PENANAn5cs8lqLMD
I’m new to this storytelling thing, so be patient with me! He’s kinda the reason I’m so in my own head tonight. I was just expecting things to go so differently and here I am—going into the new year being the same ball of trepidation and anxiety. I want to be different. I want to be bold and confident. Wynn, Mira, all of my friends really, are go-getters. Confidence oozes off of them in vibrant waves while my insecurities feel glued to my skin.144Please respect copyright.PENANAvMF9oLfcDc
I’m outside before I realize it, my inner dialogue navigating me better than any auto pilot ever could. The railing of the balcony is adorned with fairy lights and I take extra care to lean my elbow in a vacant space before peering over the edge.144Please respect copyright.PENANADSwXL7GrIo
We’re on the 16th floor and I feel like I can see the world’s perimeter from here. Something about being up high on New Year’s Eve night while being romantically depressed feels oddly magical. I feel like if I were to jump, I’d float.144Please respect copyright.PENANAJiWCqDfBAf
God, what the hell am I thinking?144Please respect copyright.PENANAqIWQKraXOd
I close my eyes and take a giant sip of my drink. Clearly I’m in need. Why did I reschedule my appointment with my therapist? Maybe—144Please respect copyright.PENANA2tOMqZG7ix
144Please respect copyright.PENANAsijtc3olMY
“Rozz, Rozz, Rozz. I’ve found you.”144Please respect copyright.PENANA0EkMNPUPCX
I inhale and keep it there, shutting my eyes even tighter. I’m not ready. God, I’m not ready at all. My anxiety is so deep and palpable that I can see it melting into my skin in layers. 144Please respect copyright.PENANAWlzCLc4j3R
Why did I come here?144Please respect copyright.PENANAvGlZn0ZnMd
I’m so pathetic. He’s my light, my lantern. I look to him even knowing he’s way too hot for me to touch and come out unscathed.144Please respect copyright.PENANAEezcV2m4Ba
I reach for him knowing that my hand will forever be outstretched, waiting for the warmth that only he can bring. I’m nothing more than a moth predestined to a scorching, unremarkable death.144Please respect copyright.PENANA2G88Rt1uRC
I force the exhale out, plaster on a fake smile and turn around.144Please respect copyright.PENANAR0WBddsVf6
“So you have! You've been having fun, Ezra?”144Please respect copyright.PENANAryrag0sHTF
My voice comes out unnaturally high pitched and squeaky and I groan inwardly. I’ve got to get myself under control.144Please respect copyright.PENANAIlbkQyDUXt
Ezra leans against the balcony next to me, beer in tow, regarding me with a look I’m pretty unfamiliar with. After demanding eye contact with a gaze that could pierce any barrier, he finally speaks.144Please respect copyright.PENANAOl0ovbTwRd
“You’ve been avoiding me, Rozz.”144Please respect copyright.PENANAqyMPqSWHRN
Fuck.144Please respect copyright.PENANAQ5Jrix6rsk
Always to the point, that Ezra. I’d been avoiding the fucker all night and of course he notices. Why does it matter anyway? The rumor mill (my friends) definitely said that Nadia had kissed him and he seemed pretty into it. What else did we have to discuss?144Please respect copyright.PENANA6njMBYszKm
We’re just friends, anyway. Always have been. Always will be. I’m the one that messed up and fell in love. I didn’t want this.144Please respect copyright.PENANAaAfoWNHf6X
My hand finds itself back on my leggings, plucking away.. I watch as his eyes follow the movement. I try to focus on the strawberry flavor of the margarita that’s still on my tongue. It’s my favorite one, I think. 144Please respect copyright.PENANAgIcOibSJ0s
What do I even say back?144Please respect copyright.PENANAMG74NrYqhI
Lie?144Please respect copyright.PENANAywDEJkxNlH
“What? I’d never.”144Please respect copyright.PENANA29h1O9dvhs
I smile and push the straw out of the way to guzzle my drink. I need the extra fuel. Yum, more strawberries.144Please respect copyright.PENANAx9Bd2kVDq0
Ezra smiles lazily and takes a sip of his beer.144Please respect copyright.PENANAzXVCM6KsHe
“I gotta say. Lying and then chugging your drink doesn’t really sell it. Maybe workshop that for next time.”144Please respect copyright.PENANAaiTCEip4EC
Okay, so lying didn’t work.144Please respect copyright.PENANAguWjdMcJwf
I almost choke on my drink as laughter erupts from me and I punch him in the shoulder.144Please respect copyright.PENANAWaygxwhAie
“Here’s a thought. You could’ve just let the lie fly?”144Please respect copyright.PENANAEKWKGZ3dQS
He chuckles and adjusts his glasses before regarding me more seriously once more.144Please respect copyright.PENANAb3YhxsVH9O
“Or you could not lie to me? What’s going on?”144Please respect copyright.PENANAanObJcvZVh
The way his voice drips with concern for me makes my heart pulse and ache. My eyes focus on his lips for a moment before flickering back up to his eyes. He has no idea how emotionally devastated I am and his genuine concern is making me want to vomit. Or maybe it was the margarita. 144Please respect copyright.PENANA0lxCGVyZah
I can’t take it.144Please respect copyright.PENANAYRZqhLiLt4
My drink now completely empty, I begin to make my way back inside. The sudden movement causes warmth to go to my tummy and fog to my brain. Oh god, I’m buzzed. I can’t be alone with him like this.144Please respect copyright.PENANA5QAHt7ASjT
“Why don’t we get more drinks? Also the countdown will probably–”144Please respect copyright.PENANASPn7bnN2nS
I’m cut off by him wrapping his hand around my forearm and gently pulling me toward him.144Please respect copyright.PENANADSKs6qe9X0
“We can do the countdown out here.”144Please respect copyright.PENANAADhcFLA4ov
Oh, he’s definitely been drinking. He’s never been this forward before. 144Please respect copyright.PENANAbaxY1ccLZ1
I swallow.144Please respect copyright.PENANAF9LckWbkIj
“Just the two of us?”144Please respect copyright.PENANAw5HQ61iulO
“Is being alone with me suddenly so bad?”144Please respect copyright.PENANAsrAVNpHniT
“How many beers have you had, Ezra?”144Please respect copyright.PENANA9RfkIKAZsk
“Why does it matter?”144Please respect copyright.PENANAZBkTEFPN9G
I can smell him and I feel my eyes fight to flutter close. Shit.144Please respect copyright.PENANAkRSMeezQMT
He repositions his hand further down my arm and grabs my hand. I guess he thinks I’m going to make a run for it.144Please respect copyright.PENANA5s8Z2dV1Dj
“Okay, okay. It doesn’t matter. But since we’re out here, how are you? How have things been with–”144Please respect copyright.PENANA0JOB7qWOWH
“Rozzlyn.”144Please respect copyright.PENANAYf8nDdRw8x
The way he says my name makes my entire body tingle. It was almost a whisper, a secret that wrapped around only us and made me fall even further.144Please respect copyright.PENANA6c7U9qDLHa
I lick my lips out of nervousness and watch as his eyes follow my tongue.144Please respect copyright.PENANAQ7ShKfBvjr
Jesus Christ.144Please respect copyright.PENANAUrzpgOtB9a
Why isn’t he looking for Nadia?144Please respect copyright.PENANAyYpBxRjVo7
“Ezra, I just..I can’t talk about it with you.”144Please respect copyright.PENANAkqUNaCRg9G
His eyebrows furrow.144Please respect copyright.PENANAlbFVEt9eyI
“Why not? We’ve always talked about everything. Why is this different?”144Please respect copyright.PENANAVRbxytAAtI
“Because this is about you and it’s my problem to deal with.”144Please respect copyright.PENANAEz1T737cdJ
“What does that mean?”144Please respect copyright.PENANA4hr1cgfRLT
“Where’s Nadia?”144Please respect copyright.PENANAKl7PnvIbem
I regret it as soon as I ask. I couldn’t help myself. Nadia is a damn scab that I can’t not pick, knowing the wound will only deepen because of it.144Please respect copyright.PENANAYPsAtEcAfQ
Ezra genuinely looks surprised and for some reason, it makes me irritated.144Please respect copyright.PENANATG3p1gqmo6
“What? Why are you asking about Nadia so suddenly? And why would I know?”144Please respect copyright.PENANABvdN8szPcC
I can’t hide my irritation at this point so I huff and step away from his grasp.144Please respect copyright.PENANAQsDWxWaVCo
“Isn’t she your girlfriend? Or do you just kiss anybody?”144Please respect copyright.PENANAPGZtjI937y
I’m becoming uglier and uglier and I hate myself. I feel the warmth of the margarita loosening my lips and at this point, I just want another one. I might as well drown in my desolation.144Please respect copyright.PENANA3piuVcUhnJ
It’s all I’m worth.144Please respect copyright.PENANAu1s3OjV7xO
I’m spiraling so fast but I encourage it. I feel the familiar black hole of despair starting at my feet to engulf me whole and I close my eyes and prepare to be overtaken. I will never be good enough for Ezra, for anyone. I don’t even like myself. I pretend to be charming, to be bubbly, to be mentally well, just so that no one finds out the truth. 144Please respect copyright.PENANAtVYmQXofPc
I’m empty.144Please respect copyright.PENANAAUYjhjr0BJ
The black hole reaches my arms at this point and I smile sadly. I’ll just mentally retreat back into my familiar nothingness. I finally feel at peace about all of this. 144Please respect copyright.PENANAe4qnz5ItjT
Before the black hole gets to my neck, I feel Ezra slowly cradle my face and look at me like he sees me. His thumbs are wiping at my cheeks and I realize I’m crying. He tilts his head and leans his forehead against mine.144Please respect copyright.PENANANrxcu5PMqT
“You stupid, stupid woman.”144Please respect copyright.PENANAyHcEBNbgUP
His lips marry mine and time stops. There is no bar, there is no balcony, there is no Nadia. 144Please respect copyright.PENANA9K7IwbQt6t
The black hole begins to retreat and my heartbeat is echoing in my ears.144Please respect copyright.PENANAVpq5Xvrwop
Is this real?144Please respect copyright.PENANAmfZr2vJusf
He pulls away but our noses are still touching.144Please respect copyright.PENANA2HzDaRHwWw
“You don’t have the right to be jealous, Rozz. I’ve been in love with you for years and now you decide to be jealous of Nadia of all people? She kissed me and I pushed her away. You have no idea how long I’ve been waiting just to be seen by you. I notice when you try out a new lotion, when you fixate on a new favorite color, when you’re in a depressive spiral…”144Please respect copyright.PENANAV0iMClYJEj
I’m still too speechless to speak, but I feel my hands warm up with embarrassment. I should really call my therapist…144Please respect copyright.PENANAAKHf0z7sI1
He leans forward and marries our lips again, this time for much longer. I can’t hide my eagerness and I nip, lick and bite at him until he groans. His arms wrap around my sides, tickling the skin under my sweater and I lean further into him. Our tongues take turns exploring the other’s mouth in long, languid, licks.144Please respect copyright.PENANAHUOqywM6ne
“You’re making me love strawberries, Rozz…” 144Please respect copyright.PENANAytLOjWzepv
I pull away and bury my face in my hands.144Please respect copyright.PENANANquXypcz5m
“I can’t believe you…feel the same way..”144Please respect copyright.PENANA5UGlN8vt8V
Ezra pulls my hands away and looks at me while chuckling.144Please respect copyright.PENANADqLMYwqk71
“I felt this way first. I've just been waiting for you to love me back.”144Please respect copyright.PENANAAmgceZJBl8
We hear people beginning to countdown and I look at my phone.144Please respect copyright.PENANALnDbOcbvX1
“11:59. I love you back, Ezra. I love you so much, it hurts.”144Please respect copyright.PENANAvkkdFi24i4
Everyone shouts “HAPPY NEW YEAR!”144Please respect copyright.PENANA8P6VXJRN6o
I wrap my hands around his neck and I promise myself that I will kiss him until I die.144Please respect copyright.PENANAOlG581ocLn
I’ve never wanted anything more.
144Please respect copyright.PENANAKpEKobnyF8