I'm on semester break right now.676Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2w0uVvfGos
I don't know why. I don't know why, but depression came back.676Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlUjeE3J2TA
Though I know it's always been there anyways. It's been there forever. It's simply a matter of ignoring it. I ignored it for 8 months and now- suddenly, I can't anymore.676Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHQ1EDnaxMZ
My depression was severe last year. I broke off the only mutual friendship I have with someone. I know she forever hates me, and it is my fault she does. I saw her rant once, she says, "I love you but-" and then she'd say the stuffs I do that annoys her.676Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnWquoTeaxQ
Now she hates me. Even though I was the one who purposely got in a fight that I know WILL make her angry at me inside out, for some reason I feel.. bereft. 676Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7ry2edfQvO
It's ironic. She called me a 'cold calculated machine' afterwards, and here I am, glassy-eyed from losing her as a friend. 676Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ36MHbFK2tK
She moved on without me now, so that's good. That was the reason I broke off our friendship anyways. So I can die without feeling guilt (she's the only one that would actually care).676Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNIOlRr5jGx
I hope she prospers.676Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYiLmGkmUqf
But she's not the reason my depression exists, no. She's simply a support that helped me stay alive throughout it. Now that it's gone, naturally, I'm a lot worse than I was before.676Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYEzAvuBjyN
I've been like this for god knows how long. 676Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡu6WbaRT8S4
I don't want to write nor code anymore. They used to give me joy. Even though they stress me out, I gain pleasure from it.676Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡibDH0g2QHH
And suddenly I regret choosing my course for the college. I should've picked Linguistics, or a TEFL certificate. I get overwhelmed, and when I do it gets hard to breathe and it suffocates me out.676Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFTDeqWotic
I don't know. I don't know.676Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ81qMD8cNnR
This is why I hate breaks and holidays. It means free time. Free time to think about things that are not work-related. Free time to acknowledge the very thing you've been trying to busy yourself from noticing.676Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFmAQjn0xKo
I get stressed easily, and would usually fall ill from stress. "Rest," my coursemate advises. But I can't rest. I mustn't. The only thing that truly relaxes me is work. When I was at college I felt truly happy. I was stressed, sure, but I finally thought to myself that maybe I'm okay now. That maybe depression has starts to dissipate and decided that I think life to be worth living.676Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnzUVhX08Wc
College sucks so much because it's tiring. The lodgings are located far from the campus, and my dormitory is on the 3rd floor. Up and down every day, at 0600, 1710 and 1830. We get back to dormitory at 2200. Since it's a hilly side there's stairs everywhere, so you'll find yourself heaving every time you go up or down one if you have low stamina. 676Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAcSPt0jZKE
College sucks, but I love it. It busies me. Takes my time.676Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcbrSzuoJYv
Now it's semester break, I can't occupy myself. I would do coding or writing but I no longer like it.676Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUusfru6Bg2
To think that I ended my only friendship because I was am so sure of my imminent death by my hands. I thank my past self. I know I'd do it one way or the other. Come to think of it, I think I'd be pissed if I die by accident or natural cause.676Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJRvPA09fIn
Funny story: I tried to apply for online therapy. They got back to me a few weeks later, and they say: "sorry, but we don't think this is the best course of action for you. We have evaluated your form and find that it is best for you to seek help with the nearest therapy centre available or tell your family members or friends."676Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzSSYCiZNua
"Thank you," the last line wrote. 676Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1hH7HPjmPN
And then I chortled.676Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7ifIXkJbWL
If an online and free therapy won't even keep me, why would one that's near me? The nearest one wouldn't even constitute as 'near'.676Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzsix3ppALH
My family would laugh if I ever tell them about my depression, and I have no friends (coursemates and acquaintances are NOT friends), so that rules the latter decision out. 676Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtSoaWc2AAq
I don't know. It's so jarring to be someone who focuses on the future while knowing I might not even get there; that all my efforts of achieving the future I dream of is useless anyways.
I'm not okay, but who am I to complain? I'm still alive only because I know my reasons are inane. I'm still alive just because offing myself means I'm trivialising everyone else who are facing through much worse situations yet are still strong.
I'm not okay, but that's okay.
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