I'm on semester break right now.678Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxRDoJQhtVa
I don't know why. I don't know why, but depression came back.678Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuecLi4YGkL
Though I know it's always been there anyways. It's been there forever. It's simply a matter of ignoring it. I ignored it for 8 months and now- suddenly, I can't anymore.678Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjp2aYViSw4
My depression was severe last year. I broke off the only mutual friendship I have with someone. I know she forever hates me, and it is my fault she does. I saw her rant once, she says, "I love you but-" and then she'd say the stuffs I do that annoys her.678Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyeURnkXGWj
Now she hates me. Even though I was the one who purposely got in a fight that I know WILL make her angry at me inside out, for some reason I feel.. bereft. 678Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwt3kh71Jy4
It's ironic. She called me a 'cold calculated machine' afterwards, and here I am, glassy-eyed from losing her as a friend. 678Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡofTgFMKsx1
She moved on without me now, so that's good. That was the reason I broke off our friendship anyways. So I can die without feeling guilt (she's the only one that would actually care).678Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjnFYb2DfMF
I hope she prospers.678Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwqTE5xc9nA
But she's not the reason my depression exists, no. She's simply a support that helped me stay alive throughout it. Now that it's gone, naturally, I'm a lot worse than I was before.678Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ74s4XggB1g
I've been like this for god knows how long. 678Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBhVKVcxPkV
I don't want to write nor code anymore. They used to give me joy. Even though they stress me out, I gain pleasure from it.678Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ77L6bb8sB9
And suddenly I regret choosing my course for the college. I should've picked Linguistics, or a TEFL certificate. I get overwhelmed, and when I do it gets hard to breathe and it suffocates me out.678Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsF0jz6oS73
I don't know. I don't know.678Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡg3VcBnH4qw
This is why I hate breaks and holidays. It means free time. Free time to think about things that are not work-related. Free time to acknowledge the very thing you've been trying to busy yourself from noticing.678Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSxtiTdiH41
I get stressed easily, and would usually fall ill from stress. "Rest," my coursemate advises. But I can't rest. I mustn't. The only thing that truly relaxes me is work. When I was at college I felt truly happy. I was stressed, sure, but I finally thought to myself that maybe I'm okay now. That maybe depression has starts to dissipate and decided that I think life to be worth living.678Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQeKLDCFGJp
College sucks so much because it's tiring. The lodgings are located far from the campus, and my dormitory is on the 3rd floor. Up and down every day, at 0600, 1710 and 1830. We get back to dormitory at 2200. Since it's a hilly side there's stairs everywhere, so you'll find yourself heaving every time you go up or down one if you have low stamina. 678Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡt02Y8kE5J8
College sucks, but I love it. It busies me. Takes my time.678Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOgUzm9rWRA
Now it's semester break, I can't occupy myself. I would do coding or writing but I no longer like it.678Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuc8KuMNJp1
To think that I ended my only friendship because I was am so sure of my imminent death by my hands. I thank my past self. I know I'd do it one way or the other. Come to think of it, I think I'd be pissed if I die by accident or natural cause.678Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbxsDDsFQC2
Funny story: I tried to apply for online therapy. They got back to me a few weeks later, and they say: "sorry, but we don't think this is the best course of action for you. We have evaluated your form and find that it is best for you to seek help with the nearest therapy centre available or tell your family members or friends."678Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwSk6Szhdkx
"Thank you," the last line wrote. 678Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrvICV8zUlu
And then I chortled.678Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8qq5CtuHS2
If an online and free therapy won't even keep me, why would one that's near me? The nearest one wouldn't even constitute as 'near'.678Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSrgKxyuVqv
My family would laugh if I ever tell them about my depression, and I have no friends (coursemates and acquaintances are NOT friends), so that rules the latter decision out. 678Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡflzYkzelHG
I don't know. It's so jarring to be someone who focuses on the future while knowing I might not even get there; that all my efforts of achieving the future I dream of is useless anyways.
I'm not okay, but who am I to complain? I'm still alive only because I know my reasons are inane. I'm still alive just because offing myself means I'm trivialising everyone else who are facing through much worse situations yet are still strong.
I'm not okay, but that's okay.
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