I'm on semester break right now.706Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡge8FiVPnxs
I don't know why. I don't know why, but depression came back.706Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2WlVAJlnoj
Though I know it's always been there anyways. It's been there forever. It's simply a matter of ignoring it. I ignored it for 8 months and now- suddenly, I can't anymore.706Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPtxt3qvsYd
My depression was severe last year. I broke off the only mutual friendship I have with someone. I know she forever hates me, and it is my fault she does. I saw her rant once, she says, "I love you but-" and then she'd say the stuffs I do that annoys her.706Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcA5ESaS0i1
Now she hates me. Even though I was the one who purposely got in a fight that I know WILL make her angry at me inside out, for some reason I feel.. bereft. 706Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGD2kasoNgH
It's ironic. She called me a 'cold calculated machine' afterwards, and here I am, glassy-eyed from losing her as a friend. 706Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡT1XEvUpAZh
She moved on without me now, so that's good. That was the reason I broke off our friendship anyways. So I can die without feeling guilt (she's the only one that would actually care).706Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3jiqzbl8SZ
I hope she prospers.706Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCTHEpIOxSp
But she's not the reason my depression exists, no. She's simply a support that helped me stay alive throughout it. Now that it's gone, naturally, I'm a lot worse than I was before.706Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9FtVjqN29n
I've been like this for god knows how long. 706Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfhnQsCSM56
I don't want to write nor code anymore. They used to give me joy. Even though they stress me out, I gain pleasure from it.706Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqsP9xgWdT0
And suddenly I regret choosing my course for the college. I should've picked Linguistics, or a TEFL certificate. I get overwhelmed, and when I do it gets hard to breathe and it suffocates me out.706Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEY50F40Kf3
I don't know. I don't know.706Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMNe6RSl3x7
This is why I hate breaks and holidays. It means free time. Free time to think about things that are not work-related. Free time to acknowledge the very thing you've been trying to busy yourself from noticing.706Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDj0BVyvx7q
I get stressed easily, and would usually fall ill from stress. "Rest," my coursemate advises. But I can't rest. I mustn't. The only thing that truly relaxes me is work. When I was at college I felt truly happy. I was stressed, sure, but I finally thought to myself that maybe I'm okay now. That maybe depression has starts to dissipate and decided that I think life to be worth living.706Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcTDepGP6bS
College sucks so much because it's tiring. The lodgings are located far from the campus, and my dormitory is on the 3rd floor. Up and down every day, at 0600, 1710 and 1830. We get back to dormitory at 2200. Since it's a hilly side there's stairs everywhere, so you'll find yourself heaving every time you go up or down one if you have low stamina. 706Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpAr8wZ1wsn
College sucks, but I love it. It busies me. Takes my time.706Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡE3uLwDfCYh
Now it's semester break, I can't occupy myself. I would do coding or writing but I no longer like it.706Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡv0WjXP6lnc
To think that I ended my only friendship because I was am so sure of my imminent death by my hands. I thank my past self. I know I'd do it one way or the other. Come to think of it, I think I'd be pissed if I die by accident or natural cause.706Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡW01O9auE4w
Funny story: I tried to apply for online therapy. They got back to me a few weeks later, and they say: "sorry, but we don't think this is the best course of action for you. We have evaluated your form and find that it is best for you to seek help with the nearest therapy centre available or tell your family members or friends."706Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYgky8geiCX
"Thank you," the last line wrote. 706Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0pwijWtT4y
And then I chortled.706Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡr8n2kkm825
If an online and free therapy won't even keep me, why would one that's near me? The nearest one wouldn't even constitute as 'near'.706Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcrlFCymALq
My family would laugh if I ever tell them about my depression, and I have no friends (coursemates and acquaintances are NOT friends), so that rules the latter decision out. 706Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrwQvtWbOYl
I don't know. It's so jarring to be someone who focuses on the future while knowing I might not even get there; that all my efforts of achieving the future I dream of is useless anyways.
I'm not okay, but who am I to complain? I'm still alive only because I know my reasons are inane. I'm still alive just because offing myself means I'm trivialising everyone else who are facing through much worse situations yet are still strong.
I'm not okay, but that's okay.
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