下班回家,淋浴。110Please respect copyright.PENANAHp2ipexi75
110Please respect copyright.PENANA1dp7FZMwoH
我站在花灑頭下享受熱水的溫度和洗頭水的香氣,目光卻分心瞄向鑲嵌牆身的全身鏡。110Please respect copyright.PENANA4QZRtY1t8n
110Please respect copyright.PENANAZqeY3wZx4E
今天,同事開玩笑嘲說我滿身肥肉,我笑勸他別對四十歲的女人太苛刻。哄堂大笑。聽著歡聲笑語,我沒法再欺瞞自己——我的確十分介意!110Please respect copyright.PENANADXzp0Au4Hv
110Please respect copyright.PENANAaIepNLxRo2
鏡子慢慢被蒸氣罩上一片模糊,我窮目亦只見一團啡黃色的色塊。像油炸過度的麥樂雞雞塊,也像兒子俊仔所講的亞古獸。110Please respect copyright.PENANAJJlPbh3iYg
110Please respect copyright.PENANAtlqfLBs7De
「亞古獸……」我憶起俊仔給我展示過的亞古獸圖片,不由得傻笑起來:「要沾甜酸醬……」110Please respect copyright.PENANAdmNnFUNY5U
110Please respect copyright.PENANAQYTdHlZvpU
沐浴後,我和俊仔及阿美開始用餐。阿美是我妹。我跟前夫離婚後,阿美就搬來與我和俊仔同住,替我照顧俊仔。俊仔很喜歡阿美,會夾餸菜給她,但不會夾給我。我心裡不是滋味,但我不打算告訴他阿美就是前夫當年的外遇。110Please respect copyright.PENANAE8oTvOiFho
110Please respect copyright.PENANA0hqKLEkTYw
若問我為何可以如此大方,可以將破壞我婚姻的人留在身邊,照顧我的兒子,耳聞目睹兒子愛她甚於愛我?因為現實。現實是我需要工作賺錢,現實是阿美是我唯一可倚靠的人,現實是我沒有介意的本錢。110Please respect copyright.PENANA6Fr67C8GCM
110Please respect copyright.PENANAg8q62rSWyw
飯後,俊仔做功課,阿美洗碗,我躲在浴室抽菸。叼著菸,我不自禁再次盯著全身鏡裡的自己——啡黃的膚色,方長的臉,矮肥的身材——像我爸,又像亞古獸。我驀地想起甜酸醬,然後想起阿美。人如其名,阿美的確長得美。她像媽,五官精緻,皮細肉嫩,玲瓏浮突。換著我是男人,我也會選擇阿美……110Please respect copyright.PENANALpwnOGgBvO
110Please respect copyright.PENANAoXevr4AHmc
恨不來。根本不知道該恨誰?恨阿美太漂亮,恨前夫好色,抑或恨自己像亞古獸?110Please respect copyright.PENANAOh9eEHJwEP
110Please respect copyright.PENANAmF0UFVjvTl
我笑了:我真的很像亞古獸。110Please respect copyright.PENANArMB7CzNHX5
110Please respect copyright.PENANAQf29SOrYgO
啪——啪——110Please respect copyright.PENANAHXSKXKfKQV
110Please respect copyright.PENANAmV2vTWMmSL
「媽咪!我肚痛,要大便!」110Please respect copyright.PENANA56u5OM1PuB
110Please respect copyright.PENANAxJVYSjGfJs
我匆匆將菸屁股丟入座廁,沖水。我離開浴室,看見俊仔早已肚痛得臉色發青,一股勁兒衝入浴室去。110Please respect copyright.PENANAbCgh6VC8J5
110Please respect copyright.PENANAUXJnJwWlmG
「媽咪!菸味很臭啊!」俊仔隔門抱怨。110Please respect copyright.PENANAeE03YnFkhT
110Please respect copyright.PENANAirgpSjt3Ws
「你的大便也很臭呢!我老遠也嗅得到!」阿美代我反嘲。110Please respect copyright.PENANARTh7TN6gU4
110Please respect copyright.PENANAoVZLFHoDeY
我望望阿美,苦笑,笑他們像極兩母子。阿美也對我報以微笑,但我不知道她到底是明白我的想法,或是純粹笑俊仔傻氣。110Please respect copyright.PENANAJdPngr4ZYO
110Please respect copyright.PENANA7nW9RnuzqE
算了吧。沒所謂。110Please respect copyright.PENANA5QbyZxGNLH
110Please respect copyright.PENANAtDF5ZhRx2V
我和她閒聊幾句不著邊際的,然後回到睡房去。110Please respect copyright.PENANA1b83gftXtt
110Please respect copyright.PENANA5SsB61QbJ6
該要睡,想要睡,卻偏偏沒能入睡。太多瑣事在心頭。同事、肥肉、麥樂雞、亞古獸、甜酸醬、俊仔、阿美、前夫、香菸、大便……香菸很臭,大便很臭……110Please respect copyright.PENANAgxYr4iGoPe
110Please respect copyright.PENANAT9d9OLNBes
我傻傻笑了:很無聊,怎麼我滿腦子只有這些無聊的東西?110Please respect copyright.PENANApubtXoCqNb
110Please respect copyright.PENANAhtkh9Fns2Q
不夠累嗎?我需要累得讓腦袋沒力氣去想這些無聊的。110Please respect copyright.PENANATs2Vxt1zGC
110Please respect copyright.PENANA9aUbNLdOhp
我更衣換褲,套上波鞋,打算到附近的海濱長廊散步。110Please respect copyright.PENANAPlr0SeCXJC
110Please respect copyright.PENANAcZ32mlA6Jz
「姐,買菸嗎?」阿美從俊仔的睡房探頭出來。這個時間,她正在為俊仔檢查功課。110Please respect copyright.PENANAnBob4kEdN6
110Please respect copyright.PENANAhQ5vzn817x
「對……要買菸……」我撒謊——明明衫袋裡還有半包香菸。110Please respect copyright.PENANALrk7b7wPlW
110Please respect copyright.PENANAsEhEL1HEWm
「不如讓我去吧。你工作了一整天,需要好好休息。」阿美滿臉疑惑,似乎察覺到我的不對勁。110Please respect copyright.PENANAQrvFHOQe7g
110Please respect copyright.PENANAE7dLvmW0QT
「不了……我自己去就可以……」我沒有回望她。110Please respect copyright.PENANArO25ick52l
110Please respect copyright.PENANA94puEi2g3k
「姐,我……」也許是基於內疚,阿美一直努力助我打理家頭細務,包括夜半買菸。110Please respect copyright.PENANAXHo4xb5Ewo
110Please respect copyright.PENANAFp4ImZ6HEr
「我說——不!」我加重語氣,拉長字音,滿腔怒火不言而喻。110Please respect copyright.PENANAmgvjgGMUVS
110Please respect copyright.PENANAMIDPUPfRHM
阿美呆了,霎時沒法應對。俊仔似乎聽到廳中的異樣,探頭察看。他望我的眼神帶有怒意,彷彿已判定我在欺負阿美……110Please respect copyright.PENANA3Vg4TBqsNC
110Please respect copyright.PENANAy14j7jMAUN
我頭也不回開門離家。110Please respect copyright.PENANA0GZ2q6dGrz
110Please respect copyright.PENANAUSoTdNmBxZ
夏夜,海風濕重,翳侷悶人。岸有燈火,海浪微盪,從多個度折射著黃光白光,閃閃爍爍。我的目光縱然停留在海面,卻無法捕捉任何一抹波光。我邊行邊放空,越放空越見混亂。110Please respect copyright.PENANACdpFvuN1dv
110Please respect copyright.PENANA0VJSgBWBaY
我憑欄抽菸,抽得很兇,不欲再理會臭味或是甚麼其他的。110Please respect copyright.PENANA9m0sJxI4KQ
110Please respect copyright.PENANAYhpHgBdTVO
這是專屬於我的寧靜。我要好好享受它……110Please respect copyright.PENANAVlhlcBBVhu
110Please respect copyright.PENANANRcDVGG9rX
最後一根菸殆盡,指隙間突然空虛無限。110Please respect copyright.PENANAhTukfzaXMU
110Please respect copyright.PENANAASPBGrUTDl
我不捨就此回家,奈何忘記帶銀包,無法買菸。110Please respect copyright.PENANAX4l7S8enJr
110Please respect copyright.PENANAhII9z8ZKR2
「要菸?」一根香菸驀地從左邊伸至我面前。是前夫。聽聞他跟我離婚後經歴幾次搬遷,不過兜兜轉轉還是在同一地區。這地區說不上大,也算不上細小,但要在街頭偶遇是有一定難度。110Please respect copyright.PENANApgQvS3sQDf
110Please respect copyright.PENANAjEBr3a0Xm6
因著這次稀罕難得的偶遇,我決定接過香菸。正要掏出打火機時,他又識趣地主動為我點菸。110Please respect copyright.PENANAvbbjt5eyUJ
110Please respect copyright.PENANAH1LbdH37aA
「怎麼了?突然那麼體貼?」110Please respect copyright.PENANABRv8qWujC1
110Please respect copyright.PENANAswKeih2TNW
「你不開心?」110Please respect copyright.PENANA8qKRGJVF99
110Please respect copyright.PENANAoUWBhukqZz
「是的。但與你無關。」110Please respect copyright.PENANAc6fNdVBRpQ
110Please respect copyright.PENANAmhUakdOEGS
面對帶刺的話,前夫沒趣地倚欄遠佻對岸,默默待我享用完整根香菸。110Please respect copyright.PENANA0ql6XhQYnz
110Please respect copyright.PENANAbvL1WWPQ7R
「還有菸嗎?」110Please respect copyright.PENANAhkncFmsckb
110Please respect copyright.PENANAKY7uf6X4Is
「有。」110Please respect copyright.PENANAB75rAFQ3AN
110Please respect copyright.PENANANGOAPlV11q
前夫再次遞菸、點菸,但他沒有繼續保持沉默。110Please respect copyright.PENANARiuZxUs267
110Please respect copyright.PENANApoavFTK5sm
「俊仔還好嗎?」110Please respect copyright.PENANAOAxIzMpMke
110Please respect copyright.PENANANXHgX1FanE
「與你無關。」110Please respect copyright.PENANAxEuvrMWkRo
110Please respect copyright.PENANAal7rA9V7jC
「即使我跟你離婚了,我依然是俊仔的爸。」110Please respect copyright.PENANAlQfoqcdqH5
110Please respect copyright.PENANA57taXq40S9
我幽幽一笑。110Please respect copyright.PENANAyDy2QDrNs0
110Please respect copyright.PENANADXgBSb9mpT
「俊仔的爸啊!俊仔希望在接下來的暑假參加交流團,但我騰不出費用。」110Please respect copyright.PENANAulyAIgzQmz
110Please respect copyright.PENANAusBvpxtT2y
「多少?我付!」110Please respect copyright.PENANAmE37hcaOEW
110Please respect copyright.PENANAkFs8ijYNor
「五萬七千五百元。」110Please respect copyright.PENANA4ZT2ZZWZKM
110Please respect copyright.PENANABvIN3Q2kDS
「好!沒問題!小意思!」110Please respect copyright.PENANAJgAWlgj0wG
110Please respect copyright.PENANAIKgastj7vW
在毫無心理準備下被戳中痛處,我的眼淚一下子𣽽了出來,再也止不住。110Please respect copyright.PENANAeHzG5xfM7d
110Please respect copyright.PENANAsaSRyIHI8I
「怎麼……我的天大難題……對你……只是小意思……」110Please respect copyright.PENANAcfVJUIr6NY
110Please respect copyright.PENANAqzvMsw527X
「別傻、別傻!我順口講講而已……那筆錢對我而言絕不是小意思……但也說不上『天大』難題……」110Please respect copyright.PENANANTU2tcDZlK
110Please respect copyright.PENANAmXtC53fIwv
「為何……做錯的是你們……受苦的人……卻是我……」110Please respect copyright.PENANAY1dbSwR28W
110Please respect copyright.PENANAREgz1gTfqv
「阿顧,對不起。」110Please respect copyright.PENANAsLVggzh6hY
110Please respect copyright.PENANAmkMLqM8vXF
「道歉有屁用!」110Please respect copyright.PENANAonxqtw5NWx
110Please respect copyright.PENANABAFYWYPTZn
「既然你認為道歉無用,那我就送你一個承諾——日後你遇上甚麼麻煩,也請找我幫忙,我會盡力幫助你。」110Please respect copyright.PENANAg7H7res9Bq
110Please respect copyright.PENANAhr5fubx57x
雖然沒能繼續以夫妻之名一起生活下去,但我相信他:我清楚他的脾性,他真的會竭盡所能兌現承諾。當下問題是我能否接受、是否介意……不,該說是我有沒有拒絕和介意的本錢。110Please respect copyright.PENANAeAi28VM0Ud
110Please respect copyright.PENANA6Cz2f5v5hD
如果我不是急需用錢,我早已彈指將菸屁股射向前夫的臉;如果我不是需要有人幫忙照顧俊仔,我早已將阿美趕出家門;如果我不是知道為人母親之責任,我多麼想就此棄下俊仔,展開更自由自在的新生活!110Please respect copyright.PENANAFGjPvhKSuu
110Please respect copyright.PENANAj67qrGhM1T
可惜,世界從沒如果,只有因果。既然我誕下了俊仔,我就要必須對他負責——為了他,我不得不向現實低頭。110Please respect copyright.PENANAPPJxRO1A1X
110Please respect copyright.PENANAF9UnpygSFW
「你為俊仔籌謀那筆款項吧。我實在沒有辦法。」我心不甘情不願,卻沒奈何。110Please respect copyright.PENANABPpchVJKHF
110Please respect copyright.PENANAz4RjOiFawk
「好!等我好消息!」前夫笑得很燦爛,似是找到贖罪的方法,以後不需背負罵名。110Please respect copyright.PENANA0B0oboDBg7
110Please respect copyright.PENANAPgPs1R2v7G
我跟前夫揮手道別,然後慢步回家。110Please respect copyright.PENANAj9wt2sDDjC
110Please respect copyright.PENANA0DO8ZfM72o
嗯……怎麼形容呢?平靜如水,所有情緒消散無蹤。沒有比剛才更難過,因為悉才低頭一剎已是頂峯。此刻腦袋裡再次塞滿無聊東西,甚或是比之前更無聊的。童年時與鄰座同學爭吵的片段、結婚前跟老媽到寶蓮寺拜大佛時的長長石級、兼職時拾到一個十元硬幣……細細碎碎的,散亂零落的。110Please respect copyright.PENANAybhu5bZSO7
110Please respect copyright.PENANAQ0nUTJMLZl
忽爾完全失去抽菸的欲望。解釋不了,亦不需解釋,反正是個很不錯的改變。如果我沒有沾上抽菸惡習,也許省下來的錢足夠俊仔參加幾次交流團,自己亦不需向前夫求助……110Please respect copyright.PENANAt8zoAmAW21
110Please respect copyright.PENANAqVcxVeZQ3L
我淪落至此,自己或多或少該要負上些許責任吧……110Please respect copyright.PENANAs0ednoHQKO
110Please respect copyright.PENANAVKLzw92e9h
既然是自己的錯、自己的選擇,也就是活該,也就沒甚麼好抱怨……110Please respect copyright.PENANA15aMCnaMBX
110Please respect copyright.PENANAoaPwTcT6Bw
我活該……我活該……我活該……110Please respect copyright.PENANAEbelaOYZy1
110Please respect copyright.PENANAbiEx7CWyAo
我如此催眠自己。110Please respect copyright.PENANAVRfi59h2wO
註:此篇另收錄於短篇小說集《雜念集》。如有違規,煩請創挑主通知,願刪文配合。
ns 172.70.100.36da2