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下班回家，淋浴。215Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡs70MKyVSN2
215Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYYmG9OWvOi
我站在花灑頭下享受熱水的溫度和洗頭水的香氣，目光卻分心瞄向鑲嵌牆身的全身鏡。215Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbdXVXQGYSZ
215Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCa9Ixo3WCl
今天，同事開玩笑嘲說我滿身肥肉，我笑勸他別對四十歲的女人太苛刻。哄堂大笑。聽著歡聲笑語，我沒法再欺瞞自己——我的確十分介意！215Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVzAQkkESHw
215Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOmsHMYKD6w
鏡子慢慢被蒸氣罩上一片模糊，我窮目亦只見一團啡黃色的色塊。像油炸過度的麥樂雞雞塊，也像兒子俊仔所講的亞古獸。215Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡu2OBLRWWVo
215Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQqcxhmK0tN
「亞古獸……」我憶起俊仔給我展示過的亞古獸圖片，不由得傻笑起來：「要沾甜酸醬……」215Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbpw9ztTr1G
215Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1yZ6XktMGh
沐浴後，我和俊仔及阿美開始用餐。阿美是我妹。我跟前夫離婚後，阿美就搬來與我和俊仔同住，替我照顧俊仔。俊仔很喜歡阿美，會夾餸菜給她，但不會夾給我。我心裡不是滋味，但我不打算告訴他阿美就是前夫當年的外遇。215Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGf8g23lwN9
215Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZvMIC0oLI8
若問我為何可以如此大方，可以將破壞我婚姻的人留在身邊，照顧我的兒子，耳聞目睹兒子愛她甚於愛我？因為現實。現實是我需要工作賺錢，現實是阿美是我唯一可倚靠的人，現實是我沒有介意的本錢。215Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ84uPugvl5j
215Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡp19meJ1sn6
飯後，俊仔做功課，阿美洗碗，我躲在浴室抽菸。叼著菸，我不自禁再次盯著全身鏡裡的自己——啡黃的膚色，方長的臉，矮肥的身材——像我爸，又像亞古獸。我驀地想起甜酸醬，然後想起阿美。人如其名，阿美的確長得美。她像媽，五官精緻，皮細肉嫩，玲瓏浮突。換著我是男人，我也會選擇阿美……215Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡw5pelg8s0F
215Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡH1iVYvuAA7
恨不來。根本不知道該恨誰？恨阿美太漂亮，恨前夫好色，抑或恨自己像亞古獸？215Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpP0Eyvy7zt
215Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1vLMwXOibs
我笑了：我真的很像亞古獸。215Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQBGmZgmUlD
215Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeTkEDMHOXI
啪——啪——215Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡA0rwhhxAui
215Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNIMQhcDlEG
「媽咪！我肚痛，要大便！」215Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtdlimL8H56
215Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡq1gozjM6eL
我匆匆將菸屁股丟入座廁，沖水。我離開浴室，看見俊仔早已肚痛得臉色發青，一股勁兒衝入浴室去。215Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtovRsHJuFg
215Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeRTQwLHt7s
「媽咪！菸味很臭啊！」俊仔隔門抱怨。215Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9EorPjTAhc
215Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡF2qPVBX9Be
「你的大便也很臭呢！我老遠也嗅得到！」阿美代我反嘲。215Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHGe72VZvIC
215Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgh7zY5ocxA
我望望阿美，苦笑，笑他們像極兩母子。阿美也對我報以微笑，但我不知道她到底是明白我的想法，或是純粹笑俊仔傻氣。215Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3tZDnNdZTq
215Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkQs7Ydhyyl
算了吧。沒所謂。215Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvvmuKqriVN
215Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiHpHRhmbtn
我和她閒聊幾句不著邊際的，然後回到睡房去。215Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIVVwmj7KNg
215Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzJBcy8UqWC
該要睡，想要睡，卻偏偏沒能入睡。太多瑣事在心頭。同事、肥肉、麥樂雞、亞古獸、甜酸醬、俊仔、阿美、前夫、香菸、大便……香菸很臭，大便很臭……215Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2BzzBlbY00
215Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuMTgxAh61y
我傻傻笑了：很無聊，怎麼我滿腦子只有這些無聊的東西？215Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡswxK0TJ9Rd
215Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGrOW7u5rYu
不夠累嗎？我需要累得讓腦袋沒力氣去想這些無聊的。215Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqR7dgl9h7P
215Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWmCfSv70HR
我更衣換褲，套上波鞋，打算到附近的海濱長廊散步。215Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡypaO8WntSv
215Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡY5JyP5XhZn
「姐，買菸嗎？」阿美從俊仔的睡房探頭出來。這個時間，她正在為俊仔檢查功課。215Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcPJJZHMqBh
215Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAeIcELM24L
「對……要買菸……」我撒謊——明明衫袋裡還有半包香菸。215Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQQH2nH8idp
215Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcuG5ostCIo
「不如讓我去吧。你工作了一整天，需要好好休息。」阿美滿臉疑惑，似乎察覺到我的不對勁。215Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhpUBWv8HNm
215Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBXSWCZdeGn
「不了……我自己去就可以……」我沒有回望她。215Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMViQY4Z0PO
215Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3FBhSv53au
「姐，我……」也許是基於內疚，阿美一直努力助我打理家頭細務，包括夜半買菸。215Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZQPnZPuw0w
215Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPpqPq4rx4Z
「我說——不！」我加重語氣，拉長字音，滿腔怒火不言而喻。215Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEyL5KU0tU0
215Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡC5dNq2iUwl
阿美呆了，霎時沒法應對。俊仔似乎聽到廳中的異樣，探頭察看。他望我的眼神帶有怒意，彷彿已判定我在欺負阿美……215Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFyFR2LcFAt
215Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeksBWBfSPI
我頭也不回開門離家。215Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡj2U6M1uMtu
215Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5ha71tnxPs
夏夜，海風濕重，翳侷悶人。岸有燈火，海浪微盪，從多個度折射著黃光白光，閃閃爍爍。我的目光縱然停留在海面，卻無法捕捉任何一抹波光。我邊行邊放空，越放空越見混亂。215Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzQsBGe9mHk
215Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsS87EXZFWX
我憑欄抽菸，抽得很兇，不欲再理會臭味或是甚麼其他的。215Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRTlDTD3iBY
215Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡp925UZQJqZ
這是專屬於我的寧靜。我要好好享受它……215Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6CjGfnDUSK
215Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSBayDKYsLq
最後一根菸殆盡，指隙間突然空虛無限。215Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1UflsihpRX
215Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0anHg31uEt
我不捨就此回家，奈何忘記帶銀包，無法買菸。215Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtW5cJ6YwY4
215Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfpG8jJSoxr
「要菸？」一根香菸驀地從左邊伸至我面前。是前夫。聽聞他跟我離婚後經歴幾次搬遷，不過兜兜轉轉還是在同一地區。這地區說不上大，也算不上細小，但要在街頭偶遇是有一定難度。215Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSLZU3mPct8
215Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeubd9oJxmI
因著這次稀罕難得的偶遇，我決定接過香菸。正要掏出打火機時，他又識趣地主動為我點菸。215Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVLclWXkczj
215Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHGewhjIssQ
「怎麼了？突然那麼體貼？」215Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡq1yyhfano9
215Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXLeMUEFn9I
「你不開心？」215Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDnoXJyiG6A
215Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoJyoFYomEE
「是的。但與你無關。」215Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLtimU8BbnP
215Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4JPr3fxWag
面對帶刺的話，前夫沒趣地倚欄遠佻對岸，默默待我享用完整根香菸。215Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVvY2yOp8Nl
215Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOjgE8V25ds
「還有菸嗎？」215Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8mxWZKkk6g
215Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXCbKQr9tGW
「有。」215Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtvNd9PC2Rm
215Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8XrzUC4Kev
前夫再次遞菸、點菸，但他沒有繼續保持沉默。215Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYic7P8GBhe
215Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeeFsq0thAA
「俊仔還好嗎？」215Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡs6FvUWMRZP
215Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBBL5caeo7g
「與你無關。」215Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrXUCoXzs1O
215Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡldhXnTj8Qg
「即使我跟你離婚了，我依然是俊仔的爸。」215Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUcFrOWhrYR
215Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCcqIdIsuD8
我幽幽一笑。215Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoQhGwj4uL9
215Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3tl17A0L5z
「俊仔的爸啊！俊仔希望在接下來的暑假參加交流團，但我騰不出費用。」215Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAJpX549PZ2
215Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlrC2arJ3JE
「多少？我付！」215Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzjDLAVzjYg
215Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3kBgPpabMy
「五萬七千五百元。」215Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaeYH8X2FlO
215Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjMynrvYD1k
「好！沒問題！小意思！」215Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmDV9fcYeLt
215Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDDCY0MUCjU
在毫無心理準備下被戳中痛處，我的眼淚一下子𣽽了出來，再也止不住。215Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5N2LXD01SI
215Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡimajpAqiKG
「怎麼……我的天大難題……對你……只是小意思……」215Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkMKykghBLU
215Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3SRKcPQu2u
「別傻、別傻！我順口講講而已……那筆錢對我而言絕不是小意思……但也說不上『天大』難題……」215Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡn67UwCzKx9
215Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtRxOakbUkp
「為何……做錯的是你們……受苦的人……卻是我……」215Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTruiFZB5Wg
215Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZIXs0oqGAv
「阿顧，對不起。」215Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrBzsOekb9j
215Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9UAmeBeAR3
「道歉有屁用！」215Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIP818tCNx2
215Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡil8LUtrFAA
「既然你認為道歉無用，那我就送你一個承諾——日後你遇上甚麼麻煩，也請找我幫忙，我會盡力幫助你。」215Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBLQUJzV3H6
215Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡReJ0wGdoT4
雖然沒能繼續以夫妻之名一起生活下去，但我相信他：我清楚他的脾性，他真的會竭盡所能兌現承諾。當下問題是我能否接受、是否介意……不，該說是我有沒有拒絕和介意的本錢。215Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8L6GUiXbhR
215Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡY7PSaJX9QA
如果我不是急需用錢，我早已彈指將菸屁股射向前夫的臉；如果我不是需要有人幫忙照顧俊仔，我早已將阿美趕出家門；如果我不是知道為人母親之責任，我多麼想就此棄下俊仔，展開更自由自在的新生活！215Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXEvKc8F5XK
215Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡi9PBp1o5uk
可惜，世界從沒如果，只有因果。既然我誕下了俊仔，我就要必須對他負責——為了他，我不得不向現實低頭。215Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoQXd4H6nqd
215Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQ74VV5Q3OQ
「你為俊仔籌謀那筆款項吧。我實在沒有辦法。」我心不甘情不願，卻沒奈何。215Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQxCJLG72ji
215Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnZn4PqzHqn
「好！等我好消息！」前夫笑得很燦爛，似是找到贖罪的方法，以後不需背負罵名。215Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡptejZKvjYI
215Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7F8sasffkm
我跟前夫揮手道別，然後慢步回家。215Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ17izGrsCQj
215Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoDZNjh5Dak
嗯……怎麼形容呢？平靜如水，所有情緒消散無蹤。沒有比剛才更難過，因為悉才低頭一剎已是頂峯。此刻腦袋裡再次塞滿無聊東西，甚或是比之前更無聊的。童年時與鄰座同學爭吵的片段、結婚前跟老媽到寶蓮寺拜大佛時的長長石級、兼職時拾到一個十元硬幣……細細碎碎的，散亂零落的。215Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRfDHs3HSE6
215Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡScKs8bZBFF
忽爾完全失去抽菸的欲望。解釋不了，亦不需解釋，反正是個很不錯的改變。如果我沒有沾上抽菸惡習，也許省下來的錢足夠俊仔參加幾次交流團，自己亦不需向前夫求助……215Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡG928IfecEe
215Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGVcWi3oXVR
我淪落至此，自己或多或少該要負上些許責任吧……215Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkRT74xw4aB
215Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEx25VpPPo3
既然是自己的錯、自己的選擇，也就是活該，也就沒甚麼好抱怨……215Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHuPOdzJUTi
215Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhOOpkUlX5l
我活該……我活該……我活該……215Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcubnxFTV9g
215Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡz5DMlWcFvq
我如此催眠自己。215Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkvQKAOVSP2
註：此篇另收錄於短篇小說集《雜念集》。如有違規，煩請創挑主通知，願刪文配合。
ns18.119.0.68da2
