BLOOD AND HUMAN MEAT
Phobia from the perspective of a girl named Khushi.Written by a friend who finally decided to tell her story.
I love animals.17Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡohzSC7yp6a
I really do.But I can’t go near them. Not because I’m scared of them—But because I’m scared of me.17Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxhSo2fSV63
I’ve always had this... space inside me.An emptiness that hums. It feels cold and loud and quiet all at once.I try to ignore it. But sometimes it whispers.17Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7zm7OhaASg
And sometimes, it screams.
I remember the first time it really happened.One second I was laughing with my younger brother—The next, I was slamming his head into the table.Again.And again.And again.Until he stopped moving.17Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3ogLSQdXYT
I didn’t want to.But I couldn’t stop.When it was over, I cried so hard I couldn’t breathe.That was the day I knew: something was wrong with me.
It got worse.I started craving blood. Not in a fantasy way. In a physical way.I imagined tearing into the people I loved.My parents.My friends.Alive.17Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡe7itQCKO6P
Their skin. Their smell. Their muscles pulling away from bone.17Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqjJNUCayDt
I stopped eating. I stopped sleeping. I stopped touching anyone.To keep them safe, I hurt myself.Scratched my skin raw.Bruised my own body with blunt objects.I counted 110 scars across my legs, my arms, my torso—like tally marks in a prison I built myself.17Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6auCHrksnU
I didn’t want to die.I wanted to be caged.
For one year, I rotted quietly.17Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡczUWfNr9SP
Then one night, I caught myself watching my father with a hunger in my eyes that terrified me.17Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpKKDfR3w5q
I left home the next day.
I moved into a PG far from the city.I begged for a single room. Didn’t get it.Luckily, my roommates were never there when I was.It was like the world was giving me space to fall apart.17Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡy6bVynJg3d
I tried to die seven times.17Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡB8oxFoBrP1
Jumped from a balcony.Held a knife to my throat.Grabbed a live wire.Stood in front of speeding cars.I always failed. Some part of me—just a thread—held on.17Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1yEP2Brrw6
But the cravings didn’t stop.So I bought handcuffs. Three of them.Every night, I locked my wrists and ankles together before bed, just in case.17Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtlNwDJH2AX
I didn’t want to become a monster in my sleep.
Six months later, I stood naked in front of a mirror and counted the injuries again.17Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhkBaz9JJbu
There were more now.Too many to hide.Too many to keep living like this.17Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7m0a7REgpY
So I asked for help.
The psychologist listened. Didn’t flinch.He said my obsession with blood and flesh was a twisted coping mechanism.A need for control.A desperate scream for power in a world where I once felt powerless.17Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNFhqk8aRdj
He said something inside me had snapped long ago.Something I'd never been taught to name.17Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQXkj0jdcZ2
Now I’ve been in treatment for three months.17Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDilquU01sg
Still breathing.Still afraid.17Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhbRn9E4L2m
Still me.
I don’t know if I’ll ever be "better."I don’t even know what “better” looks like.17Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjY6RvBRFDg
But at least now, the monster isn’t hiding.It’s sitting across from me in the mirror.And we’re learning how to live together—without killing anyone.17Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡazMZGov3mf
Not today.Not again.
[Optional Epilogue: From an Outsider’s Eyes]
17Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfwe6qw8UkKShe talks like she’s made of glass, but her eyes are iron.You wouldn’t know what she’s survived unless she told you. You wouldn’t believe her even if she did.But I do. Because sometimes the ones who scare themselves the most… are the ones still trying to protect the world from their darkness.17Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyC6rvDDq3O
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