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Three Years Later…
Keegan
It’s been three years since Blue was taken away from me. Three agonizingly long years. But it’s almost over now.178Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsEgF7kX580
It could have been a lot longer. Blue was originally sentenced to eight years in prison. Eight years. Just thinking about that now makes my stomach drop.178Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZIwVLV1Tcc
I cried out when the sentence was read in the courtroom. Like a fool, I screamed at the panel that convicted him. I screamed at the judge. I couldn’t control myself. The sentence seemed so unfair, so pointless.178Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUU7l6FhZLE
Naturally, I was thrown out by the bailiff. So I didn’t even get to say goodbye to Blue before he was taken away.178Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSMVMjGONgU
Devastated, I went home to my room at the ranch. I curled up into a ball on my bed and stayed that way for the next week.178Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5kGUmbwkqK
I didn’t bathe; I barely ate. I just wanted to sleep all the time, to dream that Blue was right next to me, tangled up with me.178Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNyG78p9So9
I didn’t want to see or speak to anyone. I was mad at the Army, mad at the world, mad at God.178Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdjSwCOh2cO
Most of all, I was so goddamn angry at myself. If I hadn’t written everything down in my journal, none of this would’ve happened.178Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmXD6GqZlRN
I didn’t see any way to go on. Not without Blue. Not for eight years, without Blue.178Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnkBqad8Bh1
When I finally emerged from my self-pitying coccoon and started acting somewhat sane, Virginia gave me the letter from Blue.178Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlc8MqskHrn
He’d intended for me to have it right away. But Holmlund was worried how it would affect me. So he gave the letter to my grandmother and asked her to give it to me when she thought the time was right.178Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUrxtqowBq1
I was pissed that she held it for so long. More than pissed. I was fucking furious at both her and Holmlund. How dare they make that decision?178Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0wvVu6edFv
I screamed at my grandmother. I told her she had no right to withhold the letter from me. I stormed out of the house and into the barn, saddled Okie and took off at a gallop with the letter still unopened in my jeans pocket.178Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhUIHnhKLjg
I didn’t read it until I reached the cabin. I went up to the loft, to the bed where I’d spent so many nights with Blue, ripped open the letter, and read it through, slowly, three times.178Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡx6jbrC9dRx
Then I cried for what felt like forever.178Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhmPSAsNifq
But after that, I got angry at Blue. I mean, I understood what he was trying to do. He was thinking of me, of what he thought was best for me.
But did he really think I would just walk away and forget I ever knew him? Did he really think I could do that?178Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiuowNFJhYc
By the time I headed back toward the house, it was dusk. I took it slow, giving Okie his lead, moving at a gentle pace through the dark. I cried a little more, thinking about my romantic ride through the darkness with Blue several months ago. It seemed like another lifetime, when we did that.178Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuke2HnUdjG
But I also started thinking about something Holmlund told me earlier when he called to check on me and Virginia literally had to force the phone into my hand.178Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2VS3n5qQBf
“Keegan,” Holmlund said, “do you remember I told you the day the verdict was read that it wasn’t the end, that I still had some tricks up my sleeve?178Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsq5FGwmSdA
I didn’t answer: I just stood there silently, sulking like a baby. But I was listening.178Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8sj9cLaabB
Holmlund went on, telling me about the Army Clemency and Parole Board.178Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXhbe6JfW4O
“After nine months, Blue can request clemency from the board. That means his sentence could be set aside completely or at least reduced, if we can convince the board that he deserves it.”178Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlNdpgPzv6J
And that lit a little flame of hope inside me. Clemency. If anybody deserves clemency, it is Blue Daniels.178Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgQT23roitG
First though, we had to get through the initial nine months.178Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvyDfDfJ32e
It took two months before I was allowed to visit Blue at Fort Leavenworth in Kansas. That’s because at first, he wouldn’t sign the permission form to have me cleared to come to the prison.178Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfCCSg5Tlrh
He wouldn’t even make the collect call to the ranch that he was allowed once a week. He called his mother, but not me.178Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqI31FsT73F
He was applying tough love, I guess. He wanted me to do what he’d asked me to do in the letter. He wanted me to walk away.178Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlZCEfV42Rl
But I was not going anywhere. And I was going to make Blue talk to me.178Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZGsrHwaI6e
So I drove to Tulsa, to his mom’s house. A sympathetic Maria had told me when he was supposed to call her, and when he did, she answered and then handed the phone to me, walking away to give us some privacy.178Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNA7xoBvUCx
I just stood there for a minute, holding the phone, debating what to say.178Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡM5MNHMWoA7
“Hello?” I heard Blue say. “Mama?”178Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmFOcJnvdKF
Then I exploded. “What the fuck is wrong with you?”178Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4o8Xqic2HQ
Silence on the other end. And then, finally, his voice, weak and uncertain. “Keegan?”178Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYgOsRKl3Lf
“Answer my question!” I snapped. “What is wrong with you? What do you think you’re doing, cutting me out like this? Do you know what it’s doing to me, Blue? Do you?”178Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡj0qNnoyoXb
He didn’t answer, so I barreled on.178Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYM3pgUy7P1
“How dare you send me a letter like that and then just expect me to walk away. Like I could even do that. What the hell were you thinking, huh? And, then, then, you pull this crap of not letting me come see you, not calling me?”178Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSqHNmZsj8m
He was still not responding, and I was working myself into a frenzy.178Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOOQ6u25z8B
“You’re just a . . . a stubborn jackass! I’m not going anywhere, do you understand me? You are stuck with me. If I have to drive up to that prison and stand outside all day, every day, ‘til you sign that form, I’ll do it. You are not getting rid of me that easy. So don’t even think I’m walking away from you!”178Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡr6zZzOMCsr
Still, there was silence. I began to wonder if he’d hung up. But listening closer, I could hear his shallow breathing. The kind of breaths you take when you’re crying.178Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnmurJnFK2p
“For God’s sake, Blue, say something!”178Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVpN5m1fGee
There was another long pause. “Eight years is too long, Keegan,” he finally said, sighing, his voice small and miserable. “It’s just too long. I can’t let you wait around for me, don’t you get that? I can’t do it.”178Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpL6cn4Imud
“You have no choice. Do you get that, Blue? You. Have. No. Choice.”178Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuY7uzzHoZ1
My body couldn’t decide at that moment whether to start screaming again or break down crying.178Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMnewHV9VNr
“I’m waiting.” Now I'm half shouting and half crying. “And you are not shutting me out!"178Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXxyYSUUjRC
I let my words hang there a moment. Then I went on a tad more calmly.178Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCjCfh3y79c
"Besides, it won’t be eight years. Don’t you remember the clemency board Holmlund talked about? We already have a plan on that. So don’t think you’re getting rid of me. I told you, I will come up to that prison and stand outside of it every fucking day until you let me in. And I mean it!”178Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpYnJyHdvcy
He did eventually sign the form, and Maria and I started taking turns driving up to see Blue. And he started calling me at the ranch as often as he could.178Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXOx65uxHNM
It wasn’t nearly enough. But it was better than nothing.178Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQ0fwiLyBwd
And that’s where Blue's music started to help. It was out there, being consumed, being shared, moving hearts and minds. Frasier Bryson was doing everything in his power to tell Blue's story, to advocate for him.178Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqaeKiZqFeO
At the same time, Virginia was pulling political strings, calling in favors.178Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCzKoDxJFxy
All of us—me, Holmlund, Virginia, Maria, Bryson —threw ourselves into the effort to get clemency for Blue.178Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwfqgmHx4Sf
His conviction generated headlines around the world, and we did everything possible to keep his name and face and cause in the public eye for those nine long months before he could apply.178Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUdOZQBDydb
And public opinion started to change. You could feel it.178Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzZBs8xdYKx
I mean, there were still plenty of haters out there. I tried to avoid seeing the venom online. We still had to be careful with our own security.178Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfyDr1A5fb6
But by the time Holmlund filed an appeal with the clemency board, public sympathy for Blue seemed at an all-time high.178Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjPaAbxtcG2
And when the board met, Cunny’s mom miraculously showed up to speak on Blue’s behalf, saying she believed clemency was what her son would want.178Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjwtpG9GPL3
Blue broke down and sobbed as she spoke. So did I.178Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSZgZIZ5hfn
Even with all that, though, it took almost a year. The board dithered and delayed its decision. Holmlund said there must have been some strong opposition to granting Blue clemency.178Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9H2hP3HqrQ
But finally—finally—we got word he would be released just after his three-year incarceration date.178Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtYLYpM53zi
And now, I’m on the highway, almost to the Leavenworth exit. I’m going to pick him up, bring him home to the ranch.178Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡb6dRnMegwM
Maria was kind enough to let me come by myself, to give us a little time alone together. She’s waiting at the ranch for him, along with Bryson.178Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ46cTd4ZQV2
They’re a couple now. I guess when they met, they made an instant connection. Kind of like me and Blue.178Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOXhWTR8Q9z
They were scared to tell Blue about it at first. They didn’t know how he’d react. But he’s been okay with it. In fact, I think he’s thrilled.178Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsw6YvTJQpt
“Who would have thought?” he laughed in our last phone call. “Bryson and my mom.”178Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡY0ZW5Dqzby
I’m beyond excited to get Blue out of prison. My body and my soul have ached for him every day, every second, that’s he been away. I’ve driven myself crazy thinking about what he’s gone through at Leavenworth.178Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzwdeTDt4kU
I can’t wait for him to touch me, hold me, make love to me. I want him to be rough and tender and crazed with passion and wild with adoration, all at the same time.178Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡororEYImyw
But I’m also nervous about our reunion. About how it will be between us. Three years is a long time, and inevitably, we’ve both changed.178Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwiBuTM5Qtu
Blue’s sadder, more introspective. I can see it in his eyes when I visit, hear it in his words.178Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUyDS1ytgXO
He’s been a model prisoner, teaching music classes to inmates, writing more songs. He’s a better, stronger person now, I think.178Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgS9wz5xIrd
I’ve changed, too. At least I hope I have. The last three years have helped me grow up.178Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXXdCYnUReN
I’ve spent a lot of my time with my grandmother, helping care for her. That nagging cough that’s dogged her was diagnosed as lung cancer not long after Blue’s conviction.178Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJV1lo5l7p9
Just when it felt like we were getting closer, building the kind of relationship we should have had all along, I may be about to lose her.178Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFPW0nGHHtB
I don’t know how much longer she has. The doctors say probably not more than a year. But they don’t understand what a tough old bird Virginia Cooke is. She may surprise us all.178Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4XcfoA93aG
She’s still prickly, still regularly gets under my skin. But I understand her a lot better now.178Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJi2trApYFG
I’m about to finish my degree at OU. I couldn’t bring myself to go back to Ikana, assuming they’d have let me come back. It just wouldn’t be the same.178Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjl0vXIAngM
And I’ve applied for law school. Not because my grandmother wanted it, but because, after what we’ve experienced, I’m a lot more interested in becoming a lawyer than I ever thought I’d be.178Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYXqo5L0XWm
I might still go into journalism. But I like the idea of having a law degree as well.178Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHJpg9WJZKG
In a surprising turn of events, my brother is now a student at Ikana. Buick is apparently breaking hearts all over campus.178Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHn6Srdac5g
But that’s another story.178Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1l829SC9ed
I see the Leavenworth sign up ahead and turn on my signal.178Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZq1gDolU2W
“I’m almost there, Blue,” I say. “I’m almost there.”178Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡT3kUBlOxYg
~~~
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Interested in Keegan’s sexy brother Buick? He's got a searing story of his own that will start soon here on Penana! Be sure to follow me so you don't miss You Belong to Me. 😊
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