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Three Years Later…
Keegan
It’s been three years since Blue was taken away from me. Three agonizingly long years. But it’s almost over now.171Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZ0aAZPaCTG
It could have been a lot longer. Blue was originally sentenced to eight years in prison. Eight years. Just thinking about that now makes my stomach drop.171Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuKnVBz4QI2
I cried out when the sentence was read in the courtroom. Like a fool, I screamed at the panel that convicted him. I screamed at the judge. I couldn’t control myself. The sentence seemed so unfair, so pointless.171Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkacPzIdHze
Naturally, I was thrown out by the bailiff. So I didn’t even get to say goodbye to Blue before he was taken away.171Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3T0UXvXPxj
Devastated, I went home to my room at the ranch. I curled up into a ball on my bed and stayed that way for the next week.171Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡob0ikxv2LH
I didn’t bathe; I barely ate. I just wanted to sleep all the time, to dream that Blue was right next to me, tangled up with me.171Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmf9pshiudd
I didn’t want to see or speak to anyone. I was mad at the Army, mad at the world, mad at God.171Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4vYPKmziSc
Most of all, I was so goddamn angry at myself. If I hadn’t written everything down in my journal, none of this would’ve happened.171Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡj7JhcuUreX
I didn’t see any way to go on. Not without Blue. Not for eight years, without Blue.171Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWjWJD51GTA
When I finally emerged from my self-pitying coccoon and started acting somewhat sane, Virginia gave me the letter from Blue.171Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5SxqH2HhzB
He’d intended for me to have it right away. But Holmlund was worried how it would affect me. So he gave the letter to my grandmother and asked her to give it to me when she thought the time was right.171Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJ1I88ArIv2
I was pissed that she held it for so long. More than pissed. I was fucking furious at both her and Holmlund. How dare they make that decision?171Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXy5imntHfP
I screamed at my grandmother. I told her she had no right to withhold the letter from me. I stormed out of the house and into the barn, saddled Okie and took off at a gallop with the letter still unopened in my jeans pocket.171Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxN9Wyj1AdG
I didn’t read it until I reached the cabin. I went up to the loft, to the bed where I’d spent so many nights with Blue, ripped open the letter, and read it through, slowly, three times.171Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfNkHinYbTJ
Then I cried for what felt like forever.171Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPZ0V7gVBU0
But after that, I got angry at Blue. I mean, I understood what he was trying to do. He was thinking of me, of what he thought was best for me.
But did he really think I would just walk away and forget I ever knew him? Did he really think I could do that?171Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQlzamFDBv5
By the time I headed back toward the house, it was dusk. I took it slow, giving Okie his lead, moving at a gentle pace through the dark. I cried a little more, thinking about my romantic ride through the darkness with Blue several months ago. It seemed like another lifetime, when we did that.171Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqRC6bZSPIW
But I also started thinking about something Holmlund told me earlier when he called to check on me and Virginia literally had to force the phone into my hand.171Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡURkLjCeAat
“Keegan,” Holmlund said, “do you remember I told you the day the verdict was read that it wasn’t the end, that I still had some tricks up my sleeve?171Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtjETTyK2sK
I didn’t answer: I just stood there silently, sulking like a baby. But I was listening.171Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRZF4fSe7q9
Holmlund went on, telling me about the Army Clemency and Parole Board.171Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡheA75PVhi6
“After nine months, Blue can request clemency from the board. That means his sentence could be set aside completely or at least reduced, if we can convince the board that he deserves it.”171Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUTrgt1CQcj
And that lit a little flame of hope inside me. Clemency. If anybody deserves clemency, it is Blue Daniels.171Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxoquJ7uKHc
First though, we had to get through the initial nine months.171Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcyNyDu8VrG
It took two months before I was allowed to visit Blue at Fort Leavenworth in Kansas. That’s because at first, he wouldn’t sign the permission form to have me cleared to come to the prison.171Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJ2V6uXixlb
He wouldn’t even make the collect call to the ranch that he was allowed once a week. He called his mother, but not me.171Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfeA9KZX79g
He was applying tough love, I guess. He wanted me to do what he’d asked me to do in the letter. He wanted me to walk away.171Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1Y6MbfxvkW
But I was not going anywhere. And I was going to make Blue talk to me.171Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBFfTsEy5st
So I drove to Tulsa, to his mom’s house. A sympathetic Maria had told me when he was supposed to call her, and when he did, she answered and then handed the phone to me, walking away to give us some privacy.171Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLEzBvmSqK1
I just stood there for a minute, holding the phone, debating what to say.171Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeQ7O73tZoS
“Hello?” I heard Blue say. “Mama?”171Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡctTHrcknh7
Then I exploded. “What the fuck is wrong with you?”171Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTx7V3Zw2lV
Silence on the other end. And then, finally, his voice, weak and uncertain. “Keegan?”171Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGQRMyXimR0
“Answer my question!” I snapped. “What is wrong with you? What do you think you’re doing, cutting me out like this? Do you know what it’s doing to me, Blue? Do you?”171Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡd6Ct8eVd3R
He didn’t answer, so I barreled on.171Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPRNlEdrWQQ
“How dare you send me a letter like that and then just expect me to walk away. Like I could even do that. What the hell were you thinking, huh? And, then, then, you pull this crap of not letting me come see you, not calling me?”171Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAp4aVgGIBI
He was still not responding, and I was working myself into a frenzy.171Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡB255PdU4al
“You’re just a . . . a stubborn jackass! I’m not going anywhere, do you understand me? You are stuck with me. If I have to drive up to that prison and stand outside all day, every day, ‘til you sign that form, I’ll do it. You are not getting rid of me that easy. So don’t even think I’m walking away from you!”171Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzxmyrz38ZD
Still, there was silence. I began to wonder if he’d hung up. But listening closer, I could hear his shallow breathing. The kind of breaths you take when you’re crying.171Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCPhPK7TXdb
“For God’s sake, Blue, say something!”171Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTs7pZvhX0z
There was another long pause. “Eight years is too long, Keegan,” he finally said, sighing, his voice small and miserable. “It’s just too long. I can’t let you wait around for me, don’t you get that? I can’t do it.”171Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUfsnBoudZu
“You have no choice. Do you get that, Blue? You. Have. No. Choice.”171Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFQUA1TBUY4
My body couldn’t decide at that moment whether to start screaming again or break down crying.171Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1FsEiVldZQ
“I’m waiting.” Now I'm half shouting and half crying. “And you are not shutting me out!"171Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡviBpmgeA8Y
I let my words hang there a moment. Then I went on a tad more calmly.171Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcmckYTn1eS
"Besides, it won’t be eight years. Don’t you remember the clemency board Holmlund talked about? We already have a plan on that. So don’t think you’re getting rid of me. I told you, I will come up to that prison and stand outside of it every fucking day until you let me in. And I mean it!”171Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6xMHb2aJK0
He did eventually sign the form, and Maria and I started taking turns driving up to see Blue. And he started calling me at the ranch as often as he could.171Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPjQ4H4Ht5T
It wasn’t nearly enough. But it was better than nothing.171Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡG9Yg8I3fY2
And that’s where Blue's music started to help. It was out there, being consumed, being shared, moving hearts and minds. Frasier Bryson was doing everything in his power to tell Blue's story, to advocate for him.171Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKXIPbpPyJG
At the same time, Virginia was pulling political strings, calling in favors.171Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5tI0e6iPj4
All of us—me, Holmlund, Virginia, Maria, Bryson —threw ourselves into the effort to get clemency for Blue.171Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNynNmRoIGq
His conviction generated headlines around the world, and we did everything possible to keep his name and face and cause in the public eye for those nine long months before he could apply.171Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBkawHM9w5A
And public opinion started to change. You could feel it.171Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVh5Zm1If8V
I mean, there were still plenty of haters out there. I tried to avoid seeing the venom online. We still had to be careful with our own security.171Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0fwAGJ52ze
But by the time Holmlund filed an appeal with the clemency board, public sympathy for Blue seemed at an all-time high.171Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlYoavML3G8
And when the board met, Cunny’s mom miraculously showed up to speak on Blue’s behalf, saying she believed clemency was what her son would want.171Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡieLytGfKRd
Blue broke down and sobbed as she spoke. So did I.171Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNdbMl8Zpy0
Even with all that, though, it took almost a year. The board dithered and delayed its decision. Holmlund said there must have been some strong opposition to granting Blue clemency.171Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyRaE8UlWPY
But finally—finally—we got word he would be released just after his three-year incarceration date.171Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ633maXyXHc
And now, I’m on the highway, almost to the Leavenworth exit. I’m going to pick him up, bring him home to the ranch.171Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhut5w2aJkk
Maria was kind enough to let me come by myself, to give us a little time alone together. She’s waiting at the ranch for him, along with Bryson.171Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡe11qgnle4B
They’re a couple now. I guess when they met, they made an instant connection. Kind of like me and Blue.171Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeMquvWT4E3
They were scared to tell Blue about it at first. They didn’t know how he’d react. But he’s been okay with it. In fact, I think he’s thrilled.171Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRnpSdsJEOu
“Who would have thought?” he laughed in our last phone call. “Bryson and my mom.”171Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6JcCFRMhL7
I’m beyond excited to get Blue out of prison. My body and my soul have ached for him every day, every second, that’s he been away. I’ve driven myself crazy thinking about what he’s gone through at Leavenworth.171Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡapPkmxJWfK
I can’t wait for him to touch me, hold me, make love to me. I want him to be rough and tender and crazed with passion and wild with adoration, all at the same time.171Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDw1up1JKDt
But I’m also nervous about our reunion. About how it will be between us. Three years is a long time, and inevitably, we’ve both changed.171Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcEJ13HNeMN
Blue’s sadder, more introspective. I can see it in his eyes when I visit, hear it in his words.171Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡodikfn72va
He’s been a model prisoner, teaching music classes to inmates, writing more songs. He’s a better, stronger person now, I think.171Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIA8VKDD4xw
I’ve changed, too. At least I hope I have. The last three years have helped me grow up.171Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuhZhFKK1Y1
I’ve spent a lot of my time with my grandmother, helping care for her. That nagging cough that’s dogged her was diagnosed as lung cancer not long after Blue’s conviction.171Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKdWUaPX4sh
Just when it felt like we were getting closer, building the kind of relationship we should have had all along, I may be about to lose her.171Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡze1YNfUEes
I don’t know how much longer she has. The doctors say probably not more than a year. But they don’t understand what a tough old bird Virginia Cooke is. She may surprise us all.171Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqOtEjH3FEK
She’s still prickly, still regularly gets under my skin. But I understand her a lot better now.171Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqFtDowSIOE
I’m about to finish my degree at OU. I couldn’t bring myself to go back to Ikana, assuming they’d have let me come back. It just wouldn’t be the same.171Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSUaIgR93cC
And I’ve applied for law school. Not because my grandmother wanted it, but because, after what we’ve experienced, I’m a lot more interested in becoming a lawyer than I ever thought I’d be.171Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTMhroLjCRs
I might still go into journalism. But I like the idea of having a law degree as well.171Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLWwKxEwC3d
In a surprising turn of events, my brother is now a student at Ikana. Buick is apparently breaking hearts all over campus.171Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMXemuf56m0
But that’s another story.171Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1ZfZWAYUQA
I see the Leavenworth sign up ahead and turn on my signal.171Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkkqmH9PTjU
“I’m almost there, Blue,” I say. “I’m almost there.”171Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7ZvGBh3dCk
~~~
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Interested in Keegan’s sexy brother Buick? He's got a searing story of his own that will start soon here on Penana! Be sure to follow me so you don't miss You Belong to Me. 😊
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