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午餐用膳後，男生們大多會將多餘時間花在學校操場，或場上打籃球，或場外觀賽。我亦不例外，在場邊與同學輕聲討論打球技巧。忘形之際，一個籃球高速自後側飛來，狠狠砸中我右耳耳背。場中男生上前向我連聲道歉，我只道不要緊。男生拾球後繼續回場較勁，沒把事情放心上。當然，我也沒所謂，小事一椿。209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡA6MynkIVkA
209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzVMjNLylDj
令我在意的反倒是球場另邊有個陌生男生對我微笑。209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2juSqZC0o0
209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4BILPyoEw2
匆匆一笑，半秒即逝。他轉頭跟身邊友人繼續說說笑笑。我挺肯定自己想多了——對方不是故意對著我笑，僅是他的站立姿勢及面向角度湊巧朝著我這邊來。209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgqu4MIMI4c
209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡV8daaEeiFd
但我還是記住了那抹笑容，記住了他的臉容氣質，記住日光照在他臉營造出來的明暗。209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmH5D4401NZ
209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnaNEyzhimS
為何記住？我解釋不了。209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTPOdLVJXZW
209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡb663n0jxUq
好幾個月過去，夏天轉換為冬。颯颯寒風成功減少場邊女生數目，男生仍然在此閒聊逛蕩。同行朋友忽爾興起，動身到場裡打球。我笑笑婉拒，說吃飽想睡不想動。209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡprrIpt7fuw
209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpnlC1Cnk55
我獨坐長椅一邊，納悶之際，兩個男生前來佔坐長椅另端空位。209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNQGpwGsgvW
209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXkZ51qhYjL
其中一個是他。209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡInhZaQi4cy
209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVFeFcgeqej
那笑那臉那明暗，歷歷在目。209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQJ3XiilXjF
209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUr7xdK4CTs
心頭一顫，我馬上別過臉去。數秒後，我稍為冷靜，意識到自己的失態，佯裝無異，繼續觀看球賽。不過他似乎察覺我的異樣，有意無意對我展露笑容——一個意味深長的笑容。209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSFQqQbx29c
209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLBRzcnQ9E0
我尷尬離座回課室去。走樓梯至三樓時，他竟從後叫住我。209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTmyR1A8A1A
209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqTo3cfRaOv
「你遺下銀包。」209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwrbu4yKVDC
209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkdwUpW7Ybj
「謝謝。」209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiUUSFOasuh
209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZRZZQBHxtV
「不用客氣……」209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkkqhjxfYWL
209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWM35xGpE5H
奇怪。看他忸怩模樣，他似乎還有話要對我說。說甚麼？不是必須相識的陌生人可以如何打開話題？甚或是「為何要展開話題」？209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7SiWSZIRXS
209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgdsZUVVrXO
氣氛尷尬，四目交投，卻不知如何是好。209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡChQbulk5fa
209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6uTMYDxD4i
直至提著半滿水桶和微濕地拖的校工在我倆之間經過，彼此才回過神來，甚有默契同時分別從兩個方向離開。我往上，他往下。209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4fY1OY1bhZ
209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYBWIJHnjCR
誰料在午飯時間完結後，我們還是在五樓走廊再次碰面——原來我們都是中五生。由於班別不同、社交圈子不重疊，所以未曾正式認識。209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPdjwmITe3V
209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwDGoWknCjf
不要緊。現在互相自我介紹就可以。209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZPh0rdMDUm
209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxIJesTFNAs
「我是文班許家偉。」209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7FGgcPh3iy
209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0Wj2oXeW6A
「我是理班李浩榮。」209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7HUkoC1eum
其實我早已知道許家偉。209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡx0iLTNE8B7
209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8R280x2MJl
我心儀對象就是喜歡許家偉。209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGq9kWul3Kz
209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnm9juK8xJC
被拒絕的心情久久不散。我開始留意許家偉這個人。209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbjyr9EPfjR
209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3OeEAWurL1
拜託阿強向文班生打探有關許家偉的事。某文班生說許家偉無啥特別，亦無專長或短處，是個存在感不強的乖學生。209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2hjx5BW8Eh
209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYJKvCh0pnc
我不明所以——為何心儀對象看上他？209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtBNEoBnMsD
209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡw55Uv7O9KF
不是認為心儀對象定要接受我或是對方必須比我優勝，只是我真的找不到許家偉有何可愛之處。209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXHnMk5CYTE
209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡucgYZ498du
不服氣。209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiwxjUecqRy
209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxarXOATntN
繼續觀察他。209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyPUkhpHvwH
209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡB92iYV1k4S
匆匆數月，秋去冬來，我對許家偉好奇不減。209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuflNNtIDNj
209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFQatDuS7pp
某天午餐後，我和阿強發現許家偉獨坐操場長椅，於是立即齊齊上前佔據長椅另端，近距離觀察他。他似乎發現我們的奇異目光，動身離開。正感沒趣，阿強發現地上有一個銀包。查看內裡，看見許家偉的學生證。209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuba2IBWiXo
209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡb1ZAeuNOvu
阿強建議取走內裡金錢和學生證，再將銀包交到校務處。我反對，擔心惹禍上身。阿強問我是否討厭許家偉。我無正面回應，僅是堅持物歸原主。阿強讓步，將銀包遞給我。209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyN0YWU80LB
209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkYxL9t2zbO
我急步追趕許家偉。209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiFWdxsf15S
209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3GYq2WAFWc
不明白自己此刻行為。正如阿強所問，我不是討厭許家偉嗎？人前，我一直表達對許家偉的討厭；人後，我曾多次理性分析過自己有沒有討厭他的實質理由。沒有，尤其在我對心儀對象忘情以後。209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQdAiYAYhKz
209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUxTjJKnbCf
奈何留意許家偉經已成為我的習慣。209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvgkSj3eq8s
209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡF5ODzrWfRw
遠遠看見他的身影，我自然而然打起十二分精神；聽到心儀對象與好友聊天時提及許家偉，我對他的好奇大於對心儀對象的；走經中五級壁報板，會不經意試找許家偉的名字……209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOreuXtm46g
209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0PmJKYcK2E
「你遺下了銀包。」209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDy2igSKzrU
209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtby5spjHsw
「謝謝。」209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkXxI55XZjt
209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwLJ9WjfSmS
「不用客氣……」209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7zBQFMRGWd
209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzaWdl2BxQS
經已物歸原主。他道謝，我虛應，然後該是沒有然後。但我們還是愣在原地。209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkRPEJ88tsX
209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDt1FYaKQoN
該要說甚麼？還需要說甚麼？沒有啊！但我們還是原地愣著。209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVuaVvM8fgM
209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuKLGG1gVXf
他是否一早知道我？他是否早已察覺我在留意他？不會吧……209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNFv0FshLKA
209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9FU10ym62F
我望入他雙眼。209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6f5AYoD7xP
209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8x7I9WP5Yr
不。我鐵定他不認識我。他的眼神迷惘疑惑忐忑，似乎在期待甚麼……209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxyazZUZnq3
209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzE8ikt38hB
一名校工在我和許家偉之間走過。我在視線被阻擋當刻回過神來，低頭轉身離開。209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡc7ggvxnBVe
209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPemCu3VwRh
我回到操場側長椅。阿強仍在，問我有否教訓許家偉一頓。我苦笑罵他發神經。阿強收起笑容，認真勸我別壓抑情緒。我說理解許家偉是無辜的，不會繼續討厭他。209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡth39to8gFd
209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxUn469luIh
上課鈴聲響起，學生魚貫回課室去。人群中，我在五樓走廊與許家偉迎個正著。他驚訝之情洋溢於表。我反倒開懷笑了，笑他遲鈍，後知後覺。209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwdVALzoxqH
209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlx5BOvPibi
許家偉臉紅，禮貌地點點頭，上前自我介紹。209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡh2lC9l9PB7
209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQYd4fI8SOp
「我是文班許家偉。」209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡI2HJftx3UR
209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCCsH7Mb1mz
「我是理班李浩榮。」209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡy2gEY87f1G
畢業多年，我跟李浩榮從未聯絡過——當我這麼講，舊生聚會上人人皆表出乎意料：「你們當年那麼要好，竟然未曾聯絡一次？」209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVWrbPxIem2
209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXyKgiI7ggm
我笑笑點頭，不多解釋。209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRfBgprg9AQ
209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7Gsg5QyOZU
畢業禮當晚，他告訴我，他的心儀對象喜歡我。我問他那女生是誰，我可以當面拒絕她。他說不必，因為他已不愛他。我感到奇怪：如已釋懷，為何重提。209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcXjgdjlDw6
209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnFuVCzkz7m
李浩榮笑笑，笑說他已覺悟，明白人的真正作用。209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtEzj5J0fQF
209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡronHjO0wym
聽到這莫名其妙的答案，我就知道他醉了——他喝下很多酒。209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ11d0PBZRbk
209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1nPqKVr4C5
他說人的真正作用就是將另外兩個不相識的人串連在一起，或是把深交的兩個人分開，例如那女生無意間將我帶到他的人生當中，而我又無意間成為他和青梅竹馬鬧翻原因。209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5L8qcCn1yO
209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpTtj1ckGJN
我大概聽出話裡的話。有點難過，有點無奈，有點害怕——害怕今晚坦白心聲以後，我和李浩榮再無交集。209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoAAdhiXcHI
209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVWRe7qYD49
但我沒有阻止他。209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXHy5nHfq5T
209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0hHjUn1Stt
他壓抑已久，情感需要釋放。這很可能是我以朋友身份給他的最後禮物。209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ73fpdxmrrb
209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzTQfYzqtmc
我慫恿他繼續說下去。209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgRtkuYsIa4
209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJCCUlM83Cm
他跟阿強相識於幼稚園。他倆都是頑皮孩子，經常氣得老師向父母投訴，父母夜裡就來一頓痛打。他們經常看到對方手腫腳瘀，起初會擔心對方身體，後來發現彼此不怕捱打，只怕玩得不痛快。相顧輕笑，再玩再捱打……玩著捱著，二人同甘共苦十四年，彼此之間有一種難以言喻的默契——只有阿強看出他非但未曾討厭我，反倒羨慕我的不起眼。209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4wkLR4HW7s
209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYFq16cSut2
我好奇李浩榮何解會羨慕不起眼的人。209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDt9FJQsX4w
209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTH7aJ98YP7
「不被注意、不被期望，方能活得自由稱心。」209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjLscrxAVeW
209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡU9lLGZ6MQ9
我問他是否有煩惱，可以向我傾訴，也許我能想出好辦法。209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiZ1mql28Zq
209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpBddaGiPeA
李浩榮報以苦笑，沒有正面回答。209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPGqHGdl8fU
209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡf468gCAm5V
那夜，他喝得爛醉，我送他回家。209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7jgRsWIQO1
209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDCT51QeALh
伯母應門。是個凶神惡煞的中年婦，語調急促，不帶尾音。她接過李浩榮，留下一句道謝，利落關門。209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYUTqQPb3ON
209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxiTHLO9lSE
門關。心頭若有所失——感覺永遠不會再見到李浩榮。209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLwLlGf97N5
209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡN4MMNlQRcr
其實沒甚麼大不了。這是人生必經的離合過程。不會令我受到任何傷害，亦不會令我蒙受任何損失。著實沒甚麼大不了。209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡATKxo4bPN3
209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUHj1HyyRKX
但我掛念他。209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHxP0CFR05v
209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡL8Qvx2yFH4
不是偶然想起，不是遇上麻煩、需要向他求助，不是看見眼熟物件進而聯想。沒錯，是真正的掛念——我無法自欺。209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡP2fJ7fxBll
209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwSyUL8aU68
想起他，我不期然會笑；想起他，我感覺窩心；想起他，我會自覺孤單可憐。209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOH8sf8dzFL
209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEPX7l5jXPn
我漸漸意識到這是甚麼一回事。209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPWNoNKOTu9
209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQGc4EbJ7aV
糟糕了！怎麼辦？怎麼辦！不知道。209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡr39tUVNDSM
209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdAjl2opme1
不要說。不要聽。不要見。209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0gsW7Ahc9U
209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9J30sU1lDA
希望時間會沖淡一切。209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoxAy1aMoUg
依稀記得畢業翌日在自家客廳梳化醒來的畫面。209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1V1w3m3EVC
209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzxTyJBfgjY
首先映入眼簾的是極端的光與暗、黑與白——廳燈沒有亮起，窗外日光耀眼得刺痛，室內與室外亮度差異極大。眼睛無法於短時間內適應，煞是暈眩，有一股酸餿灼熱自胸腔冒升。想吐。沒法吐。209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUM3kAcjSin
209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvk3OPDfeAG
阿媽沒有理會我，背對我在廚房煲湯。她對著湯煲說：「昨晚是他送你回來。」209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrSmwN9jOwr
209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡa1F11KzybM
我敵不過暈眩與劇烈頭痛，重新軟癱梳化上。沒回話打算，反正阿媽定會繼續說下去。209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyjPKgBoNIY
209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhSrIgawNkH
「我不明白你為何喜歡他。」209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpfqCSUc5Dq
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「我也不明白。」209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCZzMcQ2ERz
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「那就不要繼續喜歡。」209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡutZk9573pd
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「感覺，並非可以自由控制的。」209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡp6T1U5ez0Z
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「我亦無法自由控制我的兒子喜歡誰。」209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡr4nov3yCa1
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「我也無法自由選擇誰是我的母親。」209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgGZbTCT64s
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「真抱歉——未得你同意就把你生下來。」209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJZibysyCqC
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「你該要對我感到抱歉。」209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzNuV0bMbq3
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我晦氣，毫不掩飾對她的討厭。209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLuMQfBPQVi
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阿媽沒再多話，繼續在廚房忙著。209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2Jf6HLZVXY
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真要命。人生就是那麼多無謂紛擾。我的人生屬於我，為何旁人總愛插手？209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtKY0q0IwGl
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抵著頭痛，我硬撐起身子小便去。209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYnK0m0sh2S
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在抽氣扇綿延不斷的摩打聲襯托下，小便聲清脆得噁心。噁感令我清醒不少，昨晚回憶開始隱約浮現。209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4DuMMYaoE1
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我似乎講過一些不該出口的話。209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡV95tZuitg1
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真的嗎？我真的把話說出口？209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJbx2d45rFR
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為何這麼驚訝？阿強醉倒後，我特意喝下更多酒，不就是為了把話講出口嗎？209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡj8Y7jKbTNq
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便意盡，醉意消，騰出來的腦空間被後悔和自責分佔了。我呆上半晌才提起褲子洗手去。209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKfiOF6Gw9i
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為何要走到這一步？209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNm4DSP6hRC
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阿強早已看出我對許家偉的感情，擔心我走上「歪路」。我有點兒生氣——誰有資格定義這是否歪路。阿強自知沒能說服我，乾脆將觀察所得告訴我媽。性格暴躁的阿媽一反常態，冷靜淡然勸我切勿繼續投放感情。209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTVwoAEePsO
209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡT7jkJQagX8
「世人表裡不一。口說開明，實質守舊。」209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPv1UXf1h0Z
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「是嗎？你呢？你口說放棄，心底裡在支持我吧？」209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNwypdwM7Bd
209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZs6xDgHTv7
「別倔強。」209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuytYXWiaX3
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「我想要知道你的真正想法！別敷衍！別蒙混！」209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6lEbu18yKE
209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡf0ftXNU8qE
「我想你放棄。」209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsig3r50SJw
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「原因？」209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWb8VsiJHiL
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「現實終歸是現實的。你將要面對的困難並非單靠信念、希望和愛情就可以解決。」209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWqP5E9rjwu
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「我知道。」209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZffJ7Q9nWB
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「何解還要繼續下去？」209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBFtuWM2FdM
209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1DCFHu0u7C
「感情易放難收。」209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6LJOM1zraz
209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxl0Ms9yIP7
阿媽沒法回嘴——「感情」一詞明確否定了邏輯和理智，她還有何話可說，只得被動地待我回心轉意。209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaNFPy5YDen
209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOuEpGHBfFA
傍晚，我約見阿強，在公園暗處與他打一架。我們手腫腳瘀，有如兒時被父母教訓一樣。看著彼此頹喪模樣，我既心痛亦生氣——我們的友誼不該淪落至此！我們該可以當一輩子兄弟手足！209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXtuDYNlrYg
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架後，我沒有留下片言隻字，待身體稍稍恢復後首先離開回家去，懶理阿強依然躺在草地上粗喘不已。209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMPMDuNizL8
209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaOJxy1pODH
阿媽見我身上有傷，許是大概明白那是甚麼一回事，沒有多問，亦不予關心。209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrSVfmlILV3
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我不在意，一心思考如何在畢業禮當晚向許家偉表白……209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnUwQDZptbv
209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtcJLWgC7pn
畢業禮，是終結也是新開始。學生們穿戴整齊，戰戰兢兢上台領受證書。莘莘學子前途未卜，能夠掌握在手的只有當下。今朝有酒今朝醉，齊齊喝酒齊齊醉。209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHenqplDKo8
209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPKdWhGVeHw
阿強取來一支烈酒，邀我對飲：「追求真愛不是那麼容易。至少要比我更能喝。」209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbIwjjIaVYo
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我欣然接受。他很了解我，許是估計到我將會乘著酒意找許家偉表白去。我唯一擺脫阿強的方法就是先把他灌醉。我們都不是省油的燈，自小經常一起偷偷喝酒，十分清楚對方酒量和醉態——一旦倒下，沒有廿四小時可醒不過來。209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ01jaQ6YARw
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小醉。半醉。大醉。209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmLFwsxn4hi
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阿強半伏枱邊，傻笑問我：「想好如何表白了沒？」209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuzxhjZxEQt
209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4Ty8oBlML6
「直接講我愛他。」209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqeLroU02PK
209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡK5Bm3fZqfk
「如果他拒絕？」209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXbz9AZEY4C
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「沒怎麼樣。就像我之前被女同學拒絕那樣。」209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ370KsAxjiT
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「如果他接受了？那怎麼辦？」209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzT4xbkIcVp
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「我當然是高興！」209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdP8n3xNXfF
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「我在問，他會怎麼辦？你認為他的內心強大得能夠與你共同面對往後一切？」209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgINA6RouNW
209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfvPirKb3TT
阿強問了一個我沒有想及的問題。209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDkxeuTC1GU
事隔四十年，我和李浩榮在阿強的喪禮上再次聚頭。209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡB0IuCdquP5
209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8ofzJW3djC
李浩榮說他在畢業禮後與阿強斷絕了聯絡。我為此道歉。他問我為何道歉。我重提他酒後那段說話。他反問我是否真的認為過錯在我。我答不肯定——我無心令他們鬧翻，但我確是他們鬧翻的原因。209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0mavpTj3u3
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李浩榮苦笑，笑容意味深長。209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGHR6BJDSWY
209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvmwPT8jpiT
「阿強沒講錯。你真懦弱。」209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡA0utCjo5Um
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「活了那麼多年，經歷那麼多事情，我不得不承認自己的懦弱。」209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZna4LB1Hia
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「你仍然單身？」209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsSRlTSwAj0
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「是的。」209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ42u7OgabLB
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「要我當媒嗎？」209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqxp7FuuHOh
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「不了。難為情。」209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡagS1jvTq2N
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李浩榮失笑，笑我不值得被愛。209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUsY16jZv8T
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我陪笑，笑說我懂得珍愛自己就可以。209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBA0C7EK270
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多寒暄幾句，我和李浩榮相互道別，分道揚鑣不復見。209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXfKNqe4ZTJ
209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdmktqhdcdg
抬頭望天，天陰雨冷，冷入心脾。209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkmrnLIizTS
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回家吧。209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKdUcIleVX7
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開門。門後空洞空虛空蕩蕩。209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkXbBuLRmMP
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「戚戚慘慘悽悽，清清冷冷，覓覓尋尋。」興之所至，我一邊脫鞋，一邊倒背《聲聲慢》首三句。209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5IUfmwB8y0
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「尋他千百度，驀然回首，那人卻在燈火闌珊處。」沒有脫襪，懶洋洋得撲到梳化上，順口接上《青玉案．元夕》末句。209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtEIgxSDXQy
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枕臂望窗，映入眼簾的是極端的光與暗、黑與白——廳燈沒有亮起，窗外日光耀眼得刺痛，室內與室外亮度差異極大。驀地憶起日光照在他臉營造出來的明暗，憶起他的臉容氣質，憶起那抹笑容。209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuIkWQGI3EO
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大概是一見鍾情吧。209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡD6iDPBW5DJ
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奈何我當年愚鈍懵懂，後知後覺。209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoxwswbk08O
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如果我當年及早清楚知道自己的意向，結果會否不一樣？209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqDFcWXMyzW
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我笑自己想多了：結果會是一樣的。209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkPaHWpNIiD
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我是懦弱的人，我珍愛自己，所以我不會為他人冒險。我寧願花上一輩子去幻想錯過了的美好愛情，亦不會勇敢踏前一步去追求愛情。209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmNvuPlAqYf
209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1nw74bNudA
李浩榮說得沒錯，我不值得被愛。209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGVQFSNl1BE
事隔四十年，昔日摯友躺在棺材裡，往日心上人站在我面前。209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQPIKYV6FEj
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百感交集……209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡysdnyzkljQ
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當年我為了許家偉與阿強鬧翻，事後亦沒敢聯絡許家偉。同時失去摯友和心上人，情感上的痛令我失眠了好幾年。那時候，還以為痛楚會一直維持下去，有如浪漫淒美感人的愛情電影情節。209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6fZnCJIYn9
209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJ3hSra0TNE
不過電影終究與現實不同：角色的難忘遭遇濃縮在短短一個半小時裡，情感故此顯得激烈而深刻；現實中的情感必須經過時間洗禮和加入許多愛情以外因素，例如家庭、工作、健康、個人財政等等。209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡO0EtjvCx6z
209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxgr5EBSMHa
痛楚自然而然被淡化掉。我漸漸忘了阿強的忠肝義膽和許家偉的獨特魅力，直至今日再聚……209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ70icLsUhXR
209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2Qxavf2mVQ
「認得我嗎？我是許家偉。」209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0sT4hk5Lla
209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJTrI3Mtpsv
「認得。你是文班的。」209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvMXFBDHMnp
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許家偉淺笑，笑容如昔，淡然清雅溫婉。209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiDct0BpHye
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閒聊之間，發現他仍然單身。究其原因，他只道難為情。209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZKd24JTI3y
209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ49j97pFGPd
「你不值得被愛。」我蔑笑。209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNr3uTZaabf
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四十年過去，許家偉仍是當初那個許家偉。209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJllaW3M4og
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阿強沒講錯——他的內心不會強大得能夠與我共同面對一切。209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeO3qw6XH62
209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡU70WIObwbD
「我懂得珍愛自己就可以。」許家偉笑著說。209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡASKg8adLza
209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡt86K1JZcSE
許家偉在認真？他真心認為這是珍愛自己的行徑？209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYXSYYSTDIa
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我哭笑不得。209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHSPMIgOebe
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無意跟他繼續對話。209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAeKzHO9iK9
209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0DBT94Z03a
多寒暄幾句，我和許家偉相互道別，分道揚鑣不復見。209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQanlL4dPZ3
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抬頭望天，天陰雨冷，冷入心脾。
註：此篇會收錄於短篇小說集《雜念集》內。209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnCKXNIgA3j
