「愛是慾望和罪惡的假設!」,有些時候我還滿渴望這樣大喊的。124Please respect copyright.PENANAUWKD9ciwD5
124Please respect copyright.PENANARKL5VKFbms
早上學長傳了訊息,說他要上來台北,問我方不方便借他住一天,我問他什麼時候要上來?要做什麼?他回:「怎?交女朋友了喔?」後,就沒有再回覆他了。124Please respect copyright.PENANANGeenn6pc5
124Please respect copyright.PENANApTQfEg6Chx
下午,到了和梳舟約好要接他的地點,卻不見他人影,打電話也沒有接,又過了一陣子,才發現十分鐘前他傳的訊息,他說他有一個作品集趕不太出來,最近要在組員家趕工,說我今天不用去找他了,也剛好讓兩個人都靜一靜。124Please respect copyright.PENANAbJsswNJpeY
124Please respect copyright.PENANAqhX37SJMTf
該打電話跟他說學長要上來台北的事嗎?這種事是不是應該當面講比較尊重對方?學長說要來借住的事,我應該要直接拒絕還是詢問他的意見?124Please respect copyright.PENANAasxdEeMnI6
124Please respect copyright.PENANA2nC7ZllmDz
我拿起掛在腳邊的、梳舟專用的安全帽,收進置物箱,並傳了訊息回覆他:「也好」。124Please respect copyright.PENANAtmeYXOoJ02
124Please respect copyright.PENANAHfq6gdvGkW
到了晚上,我接到學長的電話。124Please respect copyright.PENANAlUxn6ax1wX
124Please respect copyright.PENANAbQNHuksIV4
「怎樣?你真的交女朋友了?」學長問。124Please respect copyright.PENANAqJse8Xf00J
124Please respect copyright.PENANATPL0LSS2EK
「沒有,但室友會不開心。」我說,其實也不算是說謊,因為梳舟,某種程度上也算是「室友」吧!再說,我也不打算做出讓梳舟懷疑的事;另外,很多事情,好像也是時候說出口了。「不然我們要不要約吃飯?也好久沒見面了。」124Please respect copyright.PENANAMDJwDzjDCh
124Please respect copyright.PENANAsWcN5mw9nT
「也是,一年?還是兩年了?上次見面是什麼時候?」124Please respect copyright.PENANAtls0aURkq9
124Please respect copyright.PENANAWaEGMxNfbq
「小盧生日那次,視訊算嗎?」小盧是我們還在學校宿舍時的其中一個室友,之前我們還有在室友生日時視訊聊天慶祝的習慣,現在也沒有了。124Please respect copyright.PENANADXNlPfqRXC
124Please respect copyright.PENANAGHWrEudAXP
「好像吧?那真的有點久,兩年前?」124Please respect copyright.PENANA6j6yYbRIFA
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「應該是。」124Please respect copyright.PENANAqdOupAtvoQ
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或許真的過了太久,我也有點不知道要和學長聊什麼,總覺得接起話來卡卡的,只是不斷複習過去發生過的事,宿舍、室友、學校云云,不過很快地,尷尬的感覺就消失了。124Please respect copyright.PENANA1UgFu4PmqS
124Please respect copyright.PENANAOORkdVEA6f
「你上來台北要做什麼?」我問。124Please respect copyright.PENANA3Cjoqt7Ko2
124Please respect copyright.PENANAyysQZI4vSu
「簡單來說,就是要跟廠商簽合約,對方那邊還希望我去台北做正職,有點心動,不過應該會拒絕。你呢?最近過得怎麼樣?」124Please respect copyright.PENANA3rk4k0HiyH
124Please respect copyright.PENANATZ6UyUxwdD
「我還是一樣啦!沒什麼好說的。為什麼要拒絕?薪水不高?」124Please respect copyright.PENANAjaLoqeO4f5
124Please respect copyright.PENANAFMZwEZb0AN
「主要是因為人生規劃吧!不太適合。欸不是!我們現在都把話題聊完,見面會不知道要說什麼欸!」124Please respect copyright.PENANAHYnVUlU4oh
124Please respect copyright.PENANAyjnRnLOKQ3
學生時代,我們很喜歡到處吃不同的火鍋,這次也是,就連做的事也和學生時代一樣,飲料吧的飲料隨便亂加,最後再丟冰淇淋上去或是擠一坨冰沙,看起來都很難喝,但通常口感都不錯。學長也一樣,喜歡講好多無所謂卻很好笑的幹話,讓人忘記了時間,我們一直待到火鍋店打烊。124Please respect copyright.PENANAs0womRc0gz
124Please respect copyright.PENANALqKRRCp2xN
我問學長要不要載他去他下榻的飯店,他說不用,他想抽根菸再搭捷運回去。124Please respect copyright.PENANAa4k5IO0qA5
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「我陪你抽完一根再走。」我說。124Please respect copyright.PENANA9m6AE139OQ
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台北的吸煙區不多,我們找到附近有一間居酒屋有戶外吸菸區,低消是一杯飲料,但用走的太遠。我把平時梳舟專用的安全帽遞給學長。124Please respect copyright.PENANAfTDLybSw1w
124Please respect copyright.PENANAPqcV67vJ2t
學長撫摸著安全帽上的使用痕跡問:「你隨時都會帶兩頂安全帽?還是今天跟別人借的?」124Please respect copyright.PENANA8kmyE5cCLL
124Please respect copyright.PENANA31qzloZf6r
或許那已經超越了暗示,這樣的對話早就成為我們溝通的語言,早就並非「言下之意」那般單純,文字所承載的,在我們之間只剩下文字背後的意思。124Please respect copyright.PENANAHR13naYO1a
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「因為我需要用到兩頂。」我說。124Please respect copyright.PENANAE4xv1hTLqH
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到了居酒屋,我們都點了沒有酒精的氣泡飲料。學長點了煙,叼著,也遞了一支給我,我說不用。124Please respect copyright.PENANAEC8UEByB7B
124Please respect copyright.PENANAMzNtEOJX1K
戶外只有我們一組客人,燈光暗暗的,學長指間的星火像是為夜晚點道:「我交女朋友了,已經有一段時間,一直沒機會告訴你。」124Please respect copyright.PENANAqnklEZJ59X
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「我知道。」我說。124Please respect copyright.PENANAhDNj12om0y
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「上禮拜求婚了。」124Please respect copyright.PENANAN5jfaQ6hCM
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「恭喜。」真的是恭喜,沒有其他特別的意思了。 我們舉起氣泡水,互相敬了一下。124Please respect copyright.PENANAgIuxh7VrIk
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「我也有交往的人了。」我說。124Please respect copyright.PENANABN6fRvis9m
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「女朋友?」124Please respect copyright.PENANA90ZLn7RXj6
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「男朋友。」124Please respect copyright.PENANA80TaCct8TQ
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語畢,學長吸了一大口煙,然後緩緩吐出,並接著說:「我一直想問你,你是純的?還是雙?」124Please respect copyright.PENANAXQuqNTkuZU
124Please respect copyright.PENANATygsqvw5x1
其實,我真的也沒有認真想過這個問題,或說這些事,從來不是以「問題」的姿態出現在我面前,只是一切就這麼發生了。124Please respect copyright.PENANACyP8cUzcrd
124Please respect copyright.PENANAYvnQSR98VO
「不知道,」我說,抿了抿嘴唇後,繼續:「只是碰巧,碰巧你和他都是男的。」124Please respect copyright.PENANAqdVkJo9RNI
124Please respect copyright.PENANAvGFmAsQn3q
學長沒有回話,只是靜靜吐霧吞雲;氣泡水裡加了薄荷,嗆的喉嚨有些搔癢,我很努力忍住不咳出來,又啜飲了幾口,才把那股癢給壓下去。124Please respect copyright.PENANAmb3KtRGMsJ
124Please respect copyright.PENANAYdjaBk5x9O
將菸捻滅後,學長才開口:「婚禮,大概是這兩、三個月內會辦。你,要來嗎?」124Please respect copyright.PENANA40Fjp8x3HG
124Please respect copyright.PENANACxekVwQaKi
我笑著搖了搖頭,舉起飲料,示意要敬學長,學長也舉起了他的,一飲而盡。遂後,學長點了兩支菸,遞給了我一支。124Please respect copyright.PENANAABWWWa37Ka
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「我真的不抽菸。」124Please respect copyright.PENANAhi16b082cT
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「我知道。」學長笑著牽起我的左手,他把菸嵌在自己第三和第四根手指之間,也對我做了同樣的事。124Please respect copyright.PENANAiBsnWfueSX
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「學長,等一……那個……」124Please respect copyright.PENANAE6wu2Mb0l0
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「我知道,沒事的,放心。」124Please respect copyright.PENANAQzgN67iz2O
124Please respect copyright.PENANA3puGG0h6zx
菸火於夜,煒然,好像星點墮落在我們之間;「如果」,心底深處某個角落偷偷期望著「如果」。恍恍惚惚,我在想,如果那時候我沒有把學長推開,會發生什麼事呢?124Please respect copyright.PENANA6D4CZoeeUH
124Please respect copyright.PENANAQOEVb7rZWh
我們輕輕把自己的手放在對方的手上。學長、學長、學長,這一次,我沒有逃走、沒有把你退開,只是慾望已非點燃,而是漸漸化作灰燼,是片片塵埃飄在夜的天空中悠揚。124Please respect copyright.PENANAfnXxn6mD64
124Please respect copyright.PENANAn2toiXacKM
「他是個怎麼樣的人?」學長問。124Please respect copyright.PENANA6eImiTTmW2
124Please respect copyright.PENANAQBIQK5PUvK
「小小隻的、很有活力、一開口說話就會停不下來,怎麼說呢?他給人一種······什麼事情都辦得到、都是有可能的感覺,不會輸給任何事情的感覺,不過有時候也會鬧彆扭就是了。」124Please respect copyright.PENANA5I9aRLYaAf
124Please respect copyright.PENANAkhJ22wHd64
「『不會輸給任何事情』這種感覺······真好!學生?還是在上班了?」124Please respect copyright.PENANARwYeW1uNoT
124Please respect copyright.PENANAeeDVTtzgTH
「還是學生,大學,說起來,學長你也還是學生耶!」124Please respect copyright.PENANAGC1csuQgXP
124Please respect copyright.PENANAcdnrmr7dVI
「快畢業了啦!」學長邊說邊皺起眉,同時緊抓我的手作為報復。「『不會輸給任何事情』,聽起來真的是非常熱血。我好羨慕他,真的。」124Please respect copyright.PENANAHZfnmosmho
124Please respect copyright.PENANANIL5GDbQ80
「嗯,我也是。是他讓我意識到,不應該把『夢想』當成是『夢想』,應該它當作『現實』。不過說真的,夢想什麼的,真的去做了本來就變成了現實。」124Please respect copyright.PENANAchCFvJhBL9
124Please respect copyright.PENANA3fQBvcO1Mq
「我反而覺得,還在『夢』的階段是最美的,不管什麼東西,只要跟『現實』沾上邊,好像就······怎麼說呢?變得比較痛苦?好像也不一定,應該說變得比較······沒那麼深刻?或許可以說,已經實現的夢,就會讓人忘記它是夢了?」124Please respect copyright.PENANAEICNYrrDLn
124Please respect copyright.PENANA2akF0llRBY
「你這是·····直接竄改了『夢想』的定義了吧?」124Please respect copyright.PENANA2QO9RC03eE
124Please respect copyright.PENANAb1AH6v9VmL
好懷念,我們以前也常常這樣,不知不覺中討論起好像有點厲害的議題什麼的,然後誰也沒說服誰,也沒有討論出一個整合的結論,根本就沒又進入同一個脈絡裡。124Please respect copyright.PENANAwN4afskOV3
124Please respect copyright.PENANAlx42G2eH9I
菸燒了一半,很快又超過了一半的一半,到了接近濾嘴的地方,味道就變得有點臭了。124Please respect copyright.PENANAsipoAxCBbs
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「那學長的女朋······未婚妻是什麼樣的人?」124Please respect copyright.PENANA3v39akU83P
124Please respect copyright.PENANAgXCuaWpmxH
「你要看照片嗎?」124Please respect copyright.PENANAJQZSlcnSbC
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「嗯。」124Please respect copyright.PENANAqK5zmP0TD6
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我們把菸熄了, 那時候沒有意識到,但現在回想起來,那時候的我們似乎沒有留戀餘菸,只是完整地達成了制式化的既有規則:把煙蒂丟進煙灰缸裡。124Please respect copyright.PENANAzWnAhiOG4w
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學長把手機遞給我。124Please respect copyright.PENANAiQK1a3K2tz
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「那是我們之前和朋友去海邊的時候拍的。」124Please respect copyright.PENANAoLwpg8eqGw
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是個……就……女生。笑起來呆呆的女孩子。124Please respect copyright.PENANAZfouGMLCau
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學長說了一些他未婚妻的事,包括會生起床氣、包包很亂、還有她包容學長各種亂七八糟的臭個性等種種。124Please respect copyright.PENANAdIgTGw88jc
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「我和她……說過你,她也知道我今天要來找你。」124Please respect copyright.PENANAUALD4mvJd4
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「嗯。」我把手機遞還給他。124Please respect copyright.PENANA1BkdFNwsah
124Please respect copyright.PENANATpPkKGjs5x
「那時候······為什麼······你為什麼把我······把我推開?」學長接回手機,看著手機裡的照片緩緩道,像是挖掘躺在塵土裡百年的古物,慢慢、小心翼翼。124Please respect copyright.PENANAYZKI6lS95p
124Please respect copyright.PENANAYhDJCQCq9j
這個問題我想過不下百次,但卻沒有任何一次下定結論,我沒有辦法馬上回答。卸下肩膀的重量,我嘆了口氣靠在椅背上,仰頭望向根本沒有星星的夜空,看見的只是黏上眼鏡的小灰塵。124Please respect copyright.PENANAoQBvBkyqWj
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「可能只是不想把鼻涕沾到你身上?」我說。124Please respect copyright.PENANA83rXXsuSHh
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「這個答案我喜歡。」學長笑了。124Please respect copyright.PENANAWWJA1yrn9s
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我們離開居酒屋,到了停車的地方,我把安全帽遞給他,問他住哪一家飯店,但他沒有接過安全帽,只是笑了笑並搖了搖頭。124Please respect copyright.PENANA3raC5wLvEl
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「這是他的?對吧?」學長問的是安全帽。124Please respect copyright.PENANAk2ouctim01
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我點了點頭,沒有回話。124Please respect copyright.PENANAmqbG9XhAtr
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「之前是我······丟下你一個人騎車跑了,總覺得·····你也應該對我做一樣的事才算公平。」學長說。124Please respect copyright.PENANAMWsnUhpcrN
124Please respect copyright.PENANAbo8t5dGC9u
總覺得、總覺得,學長的眼眶似乎紅紅的;總覺得,再這麼下去我一定會忍不住問他,問他為什麼那時候要在半夜偷偷擠到我的床上?為什麼要問我要不要一起住?為什麼偷用我的沐浴乳?偷用我的洗髮精?124Please respect copyright.PENANAqC3s8LhdCQ
124Please respect copyright.PENANAgqFdP5YndR
我把梳舟的安全帽收好,也替自己戴上安全帽,看著學長,等引擎也動好時,才開口:「恭喜你結婚了,再見。」124Please respect copyright.PENANAgFI1WcjmHz
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學長舉起手,示意再見,我也點頭回應他。124Please respect copyright.PENANAuXeSQ1xq5i
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離開時,我努力克制著自己不去偷看後照鏡、不去想學長在身後是什麼樣的表情。124Please respect copyright.PENANAFESu0FADGh
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我騎到了梳舟住的大樓下,把車停在對面,熄火。一樓、二樓、三樓······,只知道他在哪一層,卻不清楚確切來說他到底是哪一間。可以·····打電話煩他嗎?我握著手機,在他家樓下自己一個人坐了好久好久、好久好久。124Please respect copyright.PENANAoTcbDJ2ATy