A night before the University Talents Night, I attempt to see Flavus practice his piece, but nothing happens. I just ended up like a friend not invited to a party. When I went to his unit, it was not him who greeted me.
It was Paul. I don't know, but it makes my unreasonable ego feel like a storm is coming. After he recognized me, he smiled and greeted me.
"Oh! Mr. Gray, what brings you here?" he asked. Actually, that is also my question. What am I doing here when someone is already with Flavus?
"I... Uhm... I just wanted to know if Flavus was doing alright in his practice but I just realized I had a report to do. So I better go, tell Flavus I wish him good luck for tomorrow," and without waiting for his response, I left.
I can't explain, but I am aware it was unreasonable of me to act like that, especially with my student, but I was feeling something was off, and I am frustrated that I couldn't put my finger on it. I just shake my head, sit on the side of my bed, and stare at the blank wall.
#
The spirit of tonight's competition is felt throughout the university. It is still one hour before the competition, but the campus is already swarming with students and nonstudents who want to support their classmates and friends. I heard that there would be twelve participating contestants who would join the competition, one of which is Flavus. I know because I confirmed it with the organizer. And as I am the guidance counselor, I am expected to stay until the end of the program to monitor the students.
As I entered the gymnasium, the first thing that greeted me was the huge banner of the competition and the maroon-themed stage. I scanned the gymnasium to find Flavus and wish him luck, but I only recognized several hundred people who were probably there to support their friends and a few more people who had just come to enter and enjoy the show. I couldn't find Flavus.
As I was about to walk to the side of the stage where the contestants were supposed to stand and wait, I heard a tune. Very faint, but it echoed and was gradually amplified, overpowering the crowd and the loud music. The sound makes me want to just lay on the grass during summer and then listen to the sound the wind makes when it brushes against the trees, the sound of a harp but much louder, the sound of a soothing breeze. It gives me a jolt that makes my teary eyes yet glisten. It was full of melancholia and brought so much nostalgia, causing my heart to swell.
I look around to find where it's coming from and who it could be. I could only see a small group of students encircling a lone figure on the sidelines. The music stops and then is replaced by applause from one of the students. At that moment, I turned to my side at the back of the crowd and saw that familiar face. Flavus. His fingers are on his harp. I plan to go to him to wish him luck but standing on his side again is Paul, who is ecstatically clapping and jumping up and down before hugging Flavus. I am speechless. I know it's a bit of jealousy, a bit of sorrow, a bit of anger, and a lot of frustration. I walked away from that scene and decided that what I really wanted tonight was to go home, but Ms. Follon called my attention.
"Mr. Gray, where are you going? The program is about to start," she asked.
"Nothing. It's just too crowded and I wanted to be able to see the crowd here at the back. You know. There are a lot of things that happen at the back of the crowd," I said.
"Alright then. But there's a seat at the back and you can enjoy the show from there," and she went back to her seat.
As the program started, the gymnasium shook, and the crowd began cheering. Tonight's host is the head of the College of Communication Arts, Ms. Jean. She welcomes everyone to the university-wide talent night, introduces every participating department, and starts the program.
First to be in the competition is Maria Tacadang, a vocalist. Her voice echoes articulately, piercing the hearts of the audience. She stands up and sings, her body moving along with the rhythm.
The next contestant is a clarinetist who plays a song that follows her heart. After that, a pianist plays his classical piece. I began noticing that the first contestants were musicians and singers, making me think Flavus would be playing next.
"Now, for our next contestant, let us welcome Mr. Marko Santa Cruz from the College of Architecture to show us his amazing magical skills," as Ms. Jean said this, one part of the crowd began cheering and shouting his name. Those are probably his classmates cheering for him.
"Marko! Marko! Marko! Marko! Marko!" they cheer loudly, making me wonder if that was really because they are proud of him or because they are just teasing him because I saw some of them hysterically laugh when Marko did a very pathetic and old magic trick everyone already knows how to do. The crowd continued to roar with laughter, and Marko bowed and hurried off the stage.
Talents after talent and the night were getting late, but the students and the audience seemed to be just starting. There were only two contestants to perform, and I'm certain that one of them was Flavus.
"And now, we are down to the last two participants for the night. Let us welcome Mr. Flavus Kree De San Juan from the College of Arts and History to show us what he got in him!" This time, there was only scattered applause that you could hear as Flavus carried his harp to the center of the stage.
I focused on him, hoping that he would somehow look in my direction so that I could give him my support, but he did not. He was intently looking at his harp, doing nothing. The crowd began to be silent, waiting for whatever he would do.
All of them look at him expectantly and nervously. Some even began whispering impatiently. After 30 seconds of silence, the first tune was heard. The melodious tune reverberates and echoes around the gymnasium while everyone is silent. After a minute, he stops. The crowd is still waiting. Everyone is still silent. He continues playing his harp, and everyone is breathless. So was I. It was the same tune that I heard just a while ago. But now, it wasn't just a faint tune but a full note that seemed to be squeezing my heart, making me hard to breathe like I was gasping for air.
I closed my eyes, listening to his music. I could feel my entire body vibrating in tune with his music like a drum, and then I thought that the whole world had stopped, but his music continued as I felt the wind brush my face. That music and only that is all I heard before he went calling my name.
"Gray!" then I picture him stretching his arms to reach mine as he slowly sinks through the emptiness. I opened my eyes, and the crow began to clap. Everyone cheered as he bowed, but I found myself wiping away the tears that I had no idea had already fallen. I watched Flavus exit the stage. I wanted to go to him, but I suddenly felt nervous and afraid. His face fell, and the feeling that I could not reach his hands scared me.
I followed him with my gaze and saw that Paul was already on the side of the stage, waiting to hug him. I stayed at my place still with a heavy feeling, seeing them hug and laugh before the gymnasium went dim and the last contestant performed.
After hearing that nostalgic tone, seeing that flashing scene, and watching Flavus hugs Paul, I can't really describe what I am feeling right now. I don't know what I should feel or if what I am feeling is right and true.
I'm not really sure if I am elated, or I am saddened, or I am angry, or I am jealous, or I am frustrated, or maybe even all of them. I kept quiet, and my feet kept moving as I left the building and went home alone.
I slowly went to the kitchen and drank a glass of water, hoping it would ease my heaviness, and then checked the clock to see that it was already past midnight. I went to my room and lay on my bed, only to be afraid to close my eyes again. I just felt a strange inquisitiveness rising from within, but it wasn't the type of curiosity you could feel from the corner of your eyes. It was the curiosity you can only feel by the heart or soul. I remember the way that he looked. I remember his voice. I remember how his dark eyes sparkled, feeling like someone's hand was holding mine, and of course, I remember the way he called my name.
I lay on my bed, not moving, not closing my eyes, and not trying to sleep. It's just me staring at the empty ceiling while trying to make sense of what was happening to me. I wish it were just a dream that is gone when you wake up. But it was not. It was like a whisper from the past. A whisper that was slowly becoming a scream I couldn't contain.
This feeling makes my throat dry and my heartbeat parched. I decided that I wanted to smoke a cigarette. I hoped it would give me some dashes of calm, but after I lit my cigarette, I stopped. I stared at the cigarette again, thinking that it was not just like a cigarette; it was a lot more. I just stared at the cigarette, not hitting it, just letting it burn.
#
As expected, I was exhausted the next day, but having no sleep didn't prevent me from getting to my office early. I'm planning to distract myself and prevent myself from thinking more about what happened last night.
"Good morning Mr. Gray you're early again," the security guard greeted me.
"As always," I said, then smiled.
Just like my room and bed, the office isn't that welcoming anymore. As I arranged the pile of papers at the top of my table, I saw Flavus' portfolio, and I remembered it had been here since the day I got his number. I was staring at his picture stapled in the application form when someone knocked on my door.
"Who on earth wants to visit the office of the guidance counselor this early in the morning?" I supposed to myself as I was eying whose on the door.
"Come in!" I shouted with my usual enthusiasm.
The door slowly opened, and there he was, the person whose picture I was just staring at a while ago, the person who I seemed to have a connection with, but I couldn't find out what. I watch him enter the office with a smile plastered on his lips. But it was a different smile.
The office was still a little bit dim, silent, and cold because of how early it was. I cleared my throat before I could speak. "Mr. De San Juan, what brings you here this early?" I asked casually. And I can see that he wasn't expecting me to call him by his last name.
"I... Uhm... I just wanted to tell you that I won second place last night," he said, still smiling, but I could see it transforming from a polite smile to a fake smile. "I couldn't do it without your help, Gr- Mr. Gray."
"Ah... yes, you're welcome," I answered.
I stare at him without blinking, and he's still smiling. There was a certain weight in the air. I was not sure what he was feeling and what I was feeling. He stared at me with a smile still glued on his face, and it seemed he didn't plan on leaving. I decided to break the silence. "Well, you better go because I still have a lot of things to do."
"I saw you there last night before I played; that's why I can play. I just wanted you to know that Sir," I could sense the sudden disappointment in his voice, but he tried to conceal it. As for me, the feeling becomes heavier and heavier the more I look and talk to him.
"Please close the door before you go, Flavus," I said, making him slowly stand up and leave my office. I slowly sat on my chair and stared at the papers I had, but none of the documents could divert my gaze from him. I wasn't thinking of anything. I just stared as he walked out of the office.
I stared at the door, still closed, and as I stared at the door for quite a while, I realized that what I was feeling right now was envy. I was envious of how brave he was, telling me what he felt when he was dreaming and when he was playing his harp. I wish I also have that courage.
The day ends with me still confused and unfocused. I just lay down on my bed and again stared at the ceiling. I kept remembering last night and yesterday. The thoughts of how I felt when he hugged Paul and how he looked as he entered my office were still present in my mind. I stroke my forehead and breathe deeply.
Just then, my phone rang. I looked at the screen. It was Flavus' number. I contemplated for about a minute before I decided to ignore his call. I don't want to think about the feeling that overtakes me whenever I think about him. But I guess the feeling never goes away. The feeling only intensifies.
I let out a sigh as I stood up and stared at the phone again. His call didn't lessen my confusion and my thoughts. It only made it more complex and more intense. Finally, I grabbed a stick of my cigarette and immediately lit it. But the time I smelled its aroma, all I remember was Flavus.
#
This game of me avoiding Flavus has lasted for almost a week now. I didn't even dare to go to the rooftop garden to see what had happened to the plants there. But as for Flavus, he was still hesitant to meet me. He would wait in my office almost every day and even schedule a fake appointment just to be able to talk to me, but I still couldn't face him. Especially now that I've been dreaming of that scene again. Where I wasn't able to reach his hand as he fell into the abyss.
But this game seems to be ending right now. I decided to go to the old fire exit in order for me to have at least one stick of cigarette. This wasn't me. I normally didn't smoke while I was in school, let alone within the school premises. But it was different now. I haven't seen Flavus waiting for me outside my office, didn't call, or didn't fake an appointment today. That seems to be what I am looking for. But he was not around, and the only thing that would ease my longing for his presence was the smell of this smoke.
As my cigarette was about halfway, the door flew open, and he came barging in. Flavus. In all serious face.
"Okay, Sir. I'm tired. Why are you avoiding me?" he asked without a pause. "I've been waiting for you to make up your mind, or tell myself that you're just probably busy or you're just annoyed by other students but I can't think of anything anymore."
I just stared at him. The cigarette was still in my mouth. I tried to process everything that he said just right now. "I'm not sick, and I'm not annoyed by any students. I just don't have anything to say to you," I said, trying to remain calm, but this heaviness consumed me again.
"Excuses, excuses," he repeated. "Still have nothing to say to me? Why?"
"What should I tell you then?"
"Why don't you start by answering why are you always avoiding the topic of my dreams?" he said. His voice was slightly loud. Good thing that it is not a hotspot for the students to go into when they don't have classes.
I just stared at him as he made a step closer. "Tell me, Sir, what do you really know about my dreams?" he said, not taking his eyes away from me. "Is it the reason why you're avoiding me?" he continued as the space between us became smaller and smaller.
"I... I don't know." I almost shouted, making him startled. As he was about to move even closer, I knew he could probably hear it clearly. "It's just that you're different from other students. And I don't have an explanation yet why we dreamt of the same dream and why we dreamt of each other like we have known each other for a long time. I don't know Flavus. And I don't want to pretend that I know that's why I am avoiding this topic," I stopped to catch my breath and look at his bewildered reaction. "I don't know, Flavus."
I could feel the sudden tension in the room. He looked at me with a confused face, and in return, I stared blankly at him. We stared at each other for a while. He stares at my face while I stare at the wall behind him. The room filled with awkward silence again as we both stubbornly waited for the other to say something. It was he who bailed out first.
"I never told you that I have been dreaming about us," he said, making me realize that we were standing just inches from each other. "I never told you that I've dreamt of us, just different versions of you and me."
I just stared at him as he slowly walked back and forth into the empty room while clenching his fist. "I thought you understand. That you know what I've been through. That's why I only wanted to talk to you about this. That's why I trusted you, Mr. Gray. But it seems like I was wrong. You manipulated me," he said loudly. But the loudness of his voice did not reflect the emotion in his eyes. His eyes look sad and tired of fighting.
I sighed briefly and stared back at the cigarette in my hand. I wanted to reason out. I wanted him to know that I really didn't know what to do, but there was just silence again as he continued to walk back and forth, and I just stared at my burnt cigarette. Until now, I am still a coward.
He stopped pacing and looked back at me. "Why did you lie? Why did you tell me that you don't know anything about the dream when you know very well what it's about? Why did you lie to me? Why didn't you just tell me that you're having the same dream so that we might figure it out together?" he said while tears slowly rolled down his eyes.
"I don't know," I said softly. These are the only words I can say right now.
"I don't trust you anymore. I trusted you. You are the reason why I wouldn't be able to trust anyone again. And I am I'm sorry for bothering you about this. About this stupid thing," He paused and stared at me with his fiery eyes.
I did not say anything. I was just looking at him, and he was looking at me. He walked out and opened the door. I could feel a warmth of release coming from the door. And I could feel a sense of heaviness come back on me.
He was right. I lied to him and told him why he couldn't trust me anymore. The reason why he couldn't trust anyone anymore. The reason why he'll always be alone. It's me.
The door finally closed, and there was total silence. I was alone again.174Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡql4DgLZnud
