I'm so scared. FUCK FUCK. What If I never fall in love? I'm so so scared. I feel so unlovable. I'm fucking ugly and I'm just a terrible person and I don't think I'll ever be loved and that scares me. I like this quote by Shannon Hale the author of the Real Friends series, "In all the stories the guy falls for the girl at first sight. And then he'll do anything for her. She matters because she is beautiful." I'm not beautiful at all. I don't matter. I like all genders though. That should count for something right? But if a guy only loves a girl for her looks is that the same for all genders? Does that mean people don't love me because i'm ugly. I don't want to be loved as a friend. I mean yeah, I do, but I also want to be loved romantically. I want somebody to look at me and tell me that they love me as a partner. "You are the most beautiful girl in the world to me." Those are words I will never hear. I am not loved like that. I am pretty enough to be complimented but not to be loved. I am not seen as a partner. And the people who do love me I don't love back or sometimes it's just the wrong timing. I want to be loved and I want to love. I'm scared that I am not capable to love as much as I am scared of not being loved. I fall in love with characters from a book and it's truly torture as stupid as it sounds. Because I know there will be no men like that in the world but I keep wishing there was. Kind, loving, loyal, beautiful men. But there are none like that. You see a woman walking in the street with a man behind her and his eyes go straight to her ass or her tits. They don't stop to wonder who she is. I want to be loved for me and for who I am. Being loved for looks is just a bonus. I haven't been in a relationship for 2 years now. That's a while for a hopeless romantic like me. I'm scared I won't feel love again. I won't feel warm again like I did with my last relationship. What if I never love? What if i'm never loved? I feel disgusting. I need validation. I carve it. Why do I need it so much? I just want to feel love. I want to feel loved. I need it. Like all the women in stories are because they seem so much happier.
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