"In nature, animals run the fastest when escaping a predator." —Sam Gardener.
On December the 15th, 2022, I ran. Ran and ran. Far away from home and the city, into the outskirts. Into the emptiness and the silence of the wastelands, and amid the bastion trees. And I cried.
When Sun crossed down the horizon, I realised all that running and weeping did no good. My legs weren't half a percent pacified, I had dripped not half a wave of that Nile, and found hardly any way to soothe the hammering yanking my chest out. I was scared. The predator was right there.
Didn't want to go back. But really, was there a choice? Trying to cup up all of my spilt self I was walking back home, and to the life where I had to face the predator again.
Once H.P. Lovecraft said, "The oldest and strongest emotion of mankind is fear, and the oldest and strongest kind of fear is the fear of the unknown." That only meant that I was facing the scariest. The unknown.
I have always felt emotions way more than everybody else. Have cried when people hurt mango trees(I don't understand. Why throws rocks? The mangoes come down automatically, when the time is right). Have jumped and jeered because the roadside pothole looked "sooo cute!". Everything around me makes me "feel". At times so much that I think I'll explode. My mother says that I never grew up, she also says that I must asap. She wanted a "normal" child, and now she wants me to be that. Everybody asks for growing up, teachers, internet, People. I have tried. The one thing I learnt – I'd rather not.
I can't change. But I've found ways, to not be overwhelmed 'all the time'.
But in late 2022, it got TOO much. Everything was unknown, and incomprehensible. There were so many changes, in me and outside.
For a kid who always feels like bursting into a song or a dance, I had been too much of a quiet kid(in school atleast). Mostly because there was no one to 'un-quiet' with. No one was listening, and no one was speaking. And so, I was quiet. And so, I got used to it.
Changing a habit is very hard. Agonizing, if it is a part of you, like 'quiet' is, of the 'quiet kid'.
In late 2022, more than ever in my life, I was being talked to. There were so many new people in the classroom. So many left. I had a 'almost friend'? There can be people with no malice? My brain was bubbling. It was too much! To worsen it, I had forgot how to talk to anyone who is not my brother or mother. Every day was a pang, a loss, and a humiliation. The whole way of social life was so complicated. Truth, lie, trust, betrayal, schemes, innocence, praise, hate, gossip. So many things that I can't make head or tail of. I wished it was rocket science. Easier.
But on December the 16th, 2022, I got out of bed earlier than usual. On 15th, we had a One-Act Play in school. It was a competition. So some were ranked first, some the last. Among the latter "some", I knew some people. A few months earlier, I would've felt sorry and let them be. But on December the 16th, 2022, I got out of bed earlier than usual. I think those faces that I remembered looking so gloomy and defeated the previous day, turning into a bright wide smile on eating the dessert I made for the whole class early that morning, is what has kept me from running into the wastelands again. That there, was the turn that I made on my road.
They can be scary and painful, the turns. But it doesn't mean that they are bad. They can always end with, say, a dessert.
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