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My wife and I were going through a divorce so I went over to the house trying to sort our joint possessions.
"Okay, sweetheart, since the court awarded you the house and the barn. We have six lawn chairs and I'm taking half of them." 495Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2YKDPMw6xv
Also, some of the folding tables, "I'm taking my tools, and the loveseat. Cuz, I sure don't want anybody making love to you on my love seat!"495Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNnBlqOKjWA
(I look around for more things, we lived on a farm and had some barnyard animals.)495Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRKvsz4VAIr
"Let's see, I need at least 50 head of cows, 15 horses, oh, and around 30 chickens and ducks."495Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1XkfEBP92B
Hmm... 495Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdI9rFhvdB1
Oh yeah, and my dog Rex of course. "Here boy, come over here you mutt, you mangy critter..." Okay, I need the dog house and the 50 lb bag of dog food. 495Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQU9AjEhY2M
Yeah, the divorce court ordered that I get half of the heavy farming equipment. 495Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoRBU6uDY1d
"You can have have all the adult toys."495Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtUWc332F9x
Except for the pecker enhancer!495Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeqeWbcW4Hn
"That's all I need..."495Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXsCT7dO8wD
"Wait!"495Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhzSOZzOV1T
I glance at my wife's body "Didn't I buy those boobies?" She said, "Well honey, yes you did." What about it?495Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNfB88TYwnz
I said, "Sarah, I brought them big boobies, you can't have them!" 495Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCpsFfH8fLi
Sarah said, "Keith, what's wrong with you, are you crazy!" 495Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNCzlgNJ76o
(Still staring at her, I notice a dragon tatoo under her tight, revealing shorts)495Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhgUG0iVxKI
"Hold on, wait, one dawg gone minute!"495Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlFaeiGneFB
"Didn't I pay for that tattoo on your butt?"495Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbXSv1mTwTV
That cost me $100!
Sarah said, "Yes, so what!" What you're going to do about it Jack!495Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRom7wvtvyK
Keith said, "My name ain't Jack, Missy!" And what about your $3000 butt injections?495Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVumsVS3wOQ
"Sarah, I'm still paying for that big booty. Nobody can touch that booty until it's paid off!"
Orders are, nobody can see the great booty, Not nobody, not no how!495Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡp5TCd14H4O
"Um...Keith? Said Sarah, you are quoting 495Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsy6PBHwiDp
'The Wizard Of Oz.'
I know that I yelled,
but I can't get no satisfaction. I can't get no satisfaction. "Cause I try, and I try, and I try, and I try." I can't get no, oh no, no, no...495Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2jc3AhqGhx
Ah, hey, hey, hey, that's what I say...495Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡD4O9cpC2wU
"Keith?" Now you're quoting, 'The Rolling Stones.' "How come when you're angry you495Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡl3E7O9quIV
quote everybody?"
I know that Sarah but I need compensation! Let's see, the breast implants were $5,000.495Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmItDlK9JjP
Plus, umm... an additional $3000 for the butt injections and the $100 dollar Dragon tatoo.495Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpDluoiWYaZ
"Oh, and that thousand pack of 'Now and Later' candy!"495Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡINN1uCPDkh
(Sarah laughs)495Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuqKXt1q4Ki
Keith, that line is from the movie, "The Cook Out."495Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdL0RcywlPq
"Gosh Darn!"495Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmAMsmIkjrb
Woman, you owe me over $8,000 cash money on the line...495Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVe6CU32uNc
Sarah exclaimed, "Well don't hold your breath cuz I ain't paying you nothing Jack!" "Honey, I said, quit calling me Jack. Is that your new boyfriend's name?" 495Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrCASllQVkh
Sarah, "Yeah, and he's hung like a mule!" No, like a Tyrannosaurus Rex. And I don't have to hunt in the dark for his pecker. (Sarah snickers)495Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1TieoRIywJ
Keith, "Oh yeah, I bet when you're making love and he's going down, he can hear his own voice echo!"495Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCjihOkx53K
Hello~hello~hello~hello...
Hah! 495Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ86s1R6Jsx3
Sarah, crieds, "Okay, now that's hitting below the belt."495Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9pzSqAAIJA
You know you love my love thing! But Keith, you are a boring lover. 495Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2VyZAyoIAh
That's how I fell into the arms of another lover. Do you recall when I said, "Give it to me! Give it to me!" I yelled. "I'm so wet and hot, give it to me now!" And you gave me an umbrella.495Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVTx8SV8aXW
Keith, "Okay, I see you got jokes honey...495Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1jTdmkAv0t
Here's one, "What makes a pecker and Rubik's Cube similar?"495Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRjK8eaICBf
(Sarah says what)495Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcoManELQO8
"The more you play with it, the harder it gets."495Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJROyNVV0Xo
(he laughs and Sarah winks)495Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQSrlO88UIT
Sarah, "Hey, I got one, 495Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡep9w0TuW3n
"A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest. After about fifteen minutes, the tired man finally gets up and says,
"Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!" 495Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡu4iObTkaCF
The woman says, "Me too, you've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!"495Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwwLyMuxxNR
(Keith laughs hard)495Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDiAcIjhzAH
"Okay, that was pretty good honey." Keith says, "But, hey I got a bunch of them!"495Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWmnQTySShp
Two men broke into a drugstore and stole all the Viagra. The police put out an alert to be on the lookout for the two hardened criminals.495Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ92BwUnjZ4v
(Sarah giggles, Keith is on a roll)495Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnINiSATBUK
Honey,495Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnKhyE0Jixm
"Who's the most popular guy at the nudist colony? 495Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEOd8M1X55X
Sarah grins, "Okay, I give up." Who?495Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhSCL4bKIay
The one who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts on his weiner!495Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHhxcn8a0nE
(Sarah giggles, slapping her thigh)495Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4igS7polgh
Keith says,495Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2ni77gxF0v
"What do a woman and a bar have in common?495Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSZYfMd4cEM
Liquor in the front, poker in the back."495Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeRAbTjNJwe
(Sarah laughs, smiles and then gives Keith a big hug)495Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJVTJrcasim
Keith, "Aww, Sarah, you know I still love you and you'll always be my best friend. Just forget about the $8000. 495Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBi31cJDyOP
Keith's wife, Sarah, had always been both amused and exasperated by his constant jokes. Every morning, as she sipped her coffee, Keith would appear grinning with a mischievous smile and say, "What do you call a cow with no legs?"495Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFsQ8FxU4TT
"Ground beef!"495Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkziXwVv5IH
Sarah would roll her eyes and chuckle, unable to resist her husband's infectious laughter.495Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSZLF0KRgnn
Their children, Lily and Max, inherited their father's sense of humor. They would eagerly gather around him, waiting for his daily dose of laughter. 495Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡf4XsT9ywKY
Keith would gather them close and say, "What do lawyers wear to court?" 495Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡY2NwzSwSmz
Lawsuits.495Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYv2In7YAZL
Lily and Max would burst into fits of giggles, just begging for more jokes until their sides hurt.495Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzdkWJBLEbn
Keith's friends knew him as the 495Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6cxNexoumP
Clown Jester of Bakersville.495Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwIUlpCas3D
Whenever they needed a good laugh, they would seek him out. One evening, during a gathering at their favorite local pub, Keith got up and proclaimed, 495Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAZOoiZSDQI
"Why did the scarecrow always win an award?"495Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpThtNHwzjl
Because he was so outstanding in his field!495Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡycfgLu8noI
The entire pub erupted with laughter, and he basked in the joy of making others smile.495Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZKJPT2RSAl
His love for jokes extended beyond his family and friends. Keith would seize any golden opportunity to entertain unsuspecting strangers.495Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYxw7sNfjXx
While waiting in line at the grocery store, he would strike up conversations with fellow shoppers and unleash a pun-filled tirade. 495Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEJval982vJ
The cashiers, at first dreading the line of customers Keith held up, would eventually find themselves laughing along with the rest of the store.495Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpUKSpRx5Nv
Keith's reputation as the "Jokester Extraordinaire"495Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4rx8ocEodY
Spread throughout Bakersville. People began inviting him to events just to ensure a fun-filled atmosphere.495Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2it8IdmHho
Whether it was just a birthday party, or community gathering, even a solemn occasion. Keith's corny jokes managed to uplift everyone's spirits.495Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdU6t1fxnXG
One day, the Mayor of Bakersville decided to organize a grand comedy festival. Of course, Keith was naturally the first person he invited to perform. The festival was a great, riotous success, with the entire town doubled over with laughter. 495Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1UiRC7uPDo
Keith took center stage, he was telling joke after joke, pun after pun, and the crowd couldn't get enough. It was a night of sheer hilarity, leaving everyone in stitches.495Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmf03zYEjLc
His wife, Sarah, was used to his jokes by now. 495Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzoojVpg7q4
Having heard them all before, many times.495Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡG09HnRxTko
She would just smile politely and laugh occasionally, but normally she would roll her eyes and shake her head. She loved Keith, but sometimes she wished he would tone down his jokes a bit.
His children, Lilly and Max, were also familiar with his jokes. They had grown up listening to them every day. They would sometimes laugh at his jokes, but mostly they would groan and cringe. They loved Keith, but sometimes they wished he would stop embarrassing them with his jokes.495Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYySuTmCsqP
His friends, Mike and Tom, were also aware of his jokes. They had known him since college and had endured his jokes for years. They would sometimes chuckle at his jokes, but mostly they would ignore them or change the subject. 495Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuogXcasxaE
They liked Keith, but sometimes they wished he would be a little more serious with his jokes.495Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4umhraUctj
But Keith didn't care what anyone thought of his jokes. He loved telling them and he thought they were hilarious. 495Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ64E3cy9ED2
He believed that laughter was the best medicine and that everyone needed a good joke to brighten their day. He never missed an opportunity to crack a joke, no matter how corny or inappropriate it was.495Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDcsakYB5cl
One day, Keith decided to go to a comedy club for a night out. He had always wanted to try stand-up comedy and he thought he had what it took to make people laugh. He signed up for an open mic night and prepared some of his best jokes.495Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡV0LnknPAr7
He arrived at the comedy club and was greeted by the host.495Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9KpmE3FVrB
"Hi, I'm here for the open mic night," Keith said.495Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3PWb8TwMRO
"Sure, just write your name on this list and wait for your turn," the host said.495Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzJhz73yPaa
Keith wrote down his name and looked at the list. He saw that there were about ten other comedians before him.495Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡI74Fm1ZuAv
He walked over to the bar and ordered a drink. He sipped it slowly and watched the other comedians perform.495Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9aiZqLFvpG
He saw some of them get laughs, others get boos and some silence.495Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ17JlsjYx7V
He rehearsed his jokes in his head and smiled to himself.495Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaso7rzy4GR
(When he got on stage he said)
Hello people, I'm Keith, and I hope to entertain you tonight. "How many of you like to help people, said Keith?"
(The audience clapped)495Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeMlTLIaWpJ
Keith: "Well I do too, I walked into my bank today and an old lady asked me to help check her balance."
So I pushed her over!495Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIwdw7ybusH
(audience chuckles)495Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrAdPtLHILL
Keith: "Yeah, three years ago my doctor told me I was going deaf."495Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8ytVtRl53w
I haven't heard from him since.495Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRebf0FCAOW
Keith: (feeling the crowd) "My wife says I'm getting fatter, but in my defence, I've had a lot on my plate recently."495Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsrM2p9up6k
"Hey people, my dog is a genius... I asked him what is two minus two, and he said nothing.495Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHEuQYzuSYY
(audience laughing)495Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTDumebAF4L
Keith: "You know the other day, my wife asked me to pass her the lipstick but I accidentally passed her the glue stick." 495Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡl8KKI1Sl6P
She still isn't talking to me.495Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwZg0WxLOA4
(Keith smiles)495Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNYXbd7b8wI
Keith: "Just the other day I stopped by a roadside stand that said lobster tails $2. I paid my $2 and the guy says: 'Well, Once upon a time there was a lobster...'495Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡq51uK9R0d0
Keith: "Yeah, some people can be so uptight you know, my female neighbor always suntans topless, my wife is quite against it, 495Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡs30OqUzvyN
but I am on the fence!495Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKsIpO3Rozg
(audience laughing hard)495Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡL2U2rjuvW3
[He gets on a roll]495Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvv9ZCMjCRR
"Hey, I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes." 495Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8XMVczeob6
She gave me a hug!495Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLDp7BY9bA9
"Yeah folks, today on a drive, I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the people living there if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door in my face."
"My parents are the worst."495Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡH9CQOMjAjC
Hey!495Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJNHzYk36ug
What is the worst combination of illnesses?495Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlQngc40clK
"Alzheimer’s and diarrhea. You’re running but can’t remember where."495Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrHff1cHSUm
You know what? My girlfriend dumped me, so I stole her wheelchair.
"Guess who came crawling back?"495Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdPvjFoE0uK
For you gals out there, "What's the process of applying for a job at Hooters?"495Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ45UaMsEApi
They just give you a bra and say,
"Here, fill this out."495Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRgU0BTjpck
How do you get a squirrel to like you?495Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡODWs4xeYw5
Act like a nut.495Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMy289qMvWC
My boss told me to have a good day.. so I went home.495Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡV3gQXVJYvU
I tried to sue the airport for misplacing my luggage. I lost my case.495Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAaKtxdxuy3
How do crazy people go through the forest? They take the physco path.495Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoREx6oKVUO
I went to a psychic the other day and knocked on her front door. She yelled: 'Who is it?' 495Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5FaAqrrCHe
So I Left.495Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMd0Ogf8UpJ
People, I was in a casino yesterday and a couple of cows were smoking weed and playing poker.495Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡluGYPi5Sj2
"The steaks were pretty high!"495Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkJjaOUljJ8
"Well, that's all I have for you tonight ladies and I hope gentlemen."495Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhyk6UT3qr4
Goodnight!"495Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsxsAsYVTcx
(Dave exited the stage to thunderous applause)495Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSMwaTocu8g
He went home happier495Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnpSzCFQovd
than he ever
Dreamed!495Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAwPQfZR2dQ
495Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0i7MYGf74Y
© Charles Kemp
ns216.73.216.129da2
