My wife and I were going through a divorce so I went over to the house trying to sort our joint possessions.
"Okay, sweetheart, since the court awarded you the house and the barn. We have six lawn chairs and I'm taking half of them." 159Please respect copyright.PENANAq4C55WD201
Also, some of the folding tables, "I'm taking my tools, and the loveseat. Cuz, I sure don't want anybody making love to you on my love seat!"159Please respect copyright.PENANAjrMmsDTXmN
(I look around for more things, we lived on a farm and had some barnyard animals.)159Please respect copyright.PENANA1cc1K5W8R9
"Let's see, I need at least 50 head of cows, 15 horses, oh, and around 30 chickens and ducks."159Please respect copyright.PENANADJO54bBjba
Hmm... 159Please respect copyright.PENANAlgIz1SEhiT
Oh yeah, and my dog Rex of course. "Here boy, come over here you mutt, you mangy critter..." Okay, I need the dog house and the 50 lb bag of dog food. 159Please respect copyright.PENANAhDCFWXjmq5
Yeah, the divorce court ordered that I get half of the heavy farming equipment. 159Please respect copyright.PENANAVmuzSE2S6n
"You can have have all the adult toys."159Please respect copyright.PENANAsOFllavZdy
Except for the pecker enhancer!159Please respect copyright.PENANAqX4Z7rkUtj
"That's all I need..."159Please respect copyright.PENANAJKbGxhDvsW
"Wait!"159Please respect copyright.PENANAfJHUswWQHC
I glance at my wife's body "Didn't I buy those boobies?" She said, "Well honey, yes you did." What about it?159Please respect copyright.PENANA0drqbPnJC3
I said, "Sarah, I brought them big boobies, you can't have them!" 159Please respect copyright.PENANARwmcmNIzKi
Sarah said, "Keith, what's wrong with you, are you crazy!" 159Please respect copyright.PENANArCDb9tlMt9
(Still staring at her, I notice a dragon tatoo under her tight, revealing shorts)159Please respect copyright.PENANA2WXE4RifGp
"Hold on, wait, one dawg gone minute!"159Please respect copyright.PENANAVNvHdKlB9Q
"Didn't I pay for that tattoo on your butt?"159Please respect copyright.PENANA5jMAko5VBw
That cost me $100!
Sarah said, "Yes, so what!" What you're going to do about it Jack!159Please respect copyright.PENANAF25bG3587H
Keith said, "My name ain't Jack, Missy!" And what about your $3000 butt injections?159Please respect copyright.PENANATApQNE9rJh
"Sarah, I'm still paying for that big booty. Nobody can touch that booty until it's paid off!"
Orders are, nobody can see the great booty, Not nobody, not no how!159Please respect copyright.PENANAxYySTahr0T
"Um...Keith? Said Sarah, you are quoting 159Please respect copyright.PENANAqTdZX0Mdwx
'The Wizard Of Oz.'
I know that I yelled,
but I can't get no satisfaction. I can't get no satisfaction. "Cause I try, and I try, and I try, and I try." I can't get no, oh no, no, no...159Please respect copyright.PENANAM4ighfTFTc
Ah, hey, hey, hey, that's what I say...159Please respect copyright.PENANAuFIlMhWQ9W
"Keith?" Now you're quoting, 'The Rolling Stones.' "How come when you're angry you159Please respect copyright.PENANAZqXUcuDuFN
quote everybody?"
I know that Sarah but I need compensation! Let's see, the breast implants were $5,000.159Please respect copyright.PENANAxgu2Y12eF8
Plus, umm... an additional $3000 for the butt injections and the $100 dollar Dragon tatoo.159Please respect copyright.PENANABsJGhxlyqB
"Oh, and that thousand pack of 'Now and Later' candy!"159Please respect copyright.PENANA2XTfLQJyBv
(Sarah laughs)159Please respect copyright.PENANAgEsfQ7dIOy
Keith, that line is from the movie, "The Cook Out."159Please respect copyright.PENANAJLfw1hV61Y
"Gosh Darn!"159Please respect copyright.PENANARrngjuYOPr
Woman, you owe me over $8,000 cash money on the line...159Please respect copyright.PENANARMNpAI0LiW
Sarah exclaimed, "Well don't hold your breath cuz I ain't paying you nothing Jack!" "Honey, I said, quit calling me Jack. Is that your new boyfriend's name?" 159Please respect copyright.PENANA3T5DbQi07R
Sarah, "Yeah, and he's hung like a mule!" No, like a Tyrannosaurus Rex. And I don't have to hunt in the dark for his pecker. (Sarah snickers)159Please respect copyright.PENANAFPcoSFJrvK
Keith, "Oh yeah, I bet when you're making love and he's going down, he can hear his own voice echo!"159Please respect copyright.PENANAHCJndGCx50
Hello~hello~hello~hello...
Hah! 159Please respect copyright.PENANAat48ne6qCy
Sarah, crieds, "Okay, now that's hitting below the belt."159Please respect copyright.PENANAegtXAW5lqt
You know you love my love thing! But Keith, you are a boring lover. 159Please respect copyright.PENANAVe3kWyNwEh
That's how I fell into the arms of another lover. Do you recall when I said, "Give it to me! Give it to me!" I yelled. "I'm so wet and hot, give it to me now!" And you gave me an umbrella.159Please respect copyright.PENANAN4xt1ZrBIe
Keith, "Okay, I see you got jokes honey...159Please respect copyright.PENANAxgmfcQZDrT
Here's one, "What makes a pecker and Rubik's Cube similar?"159Please respect copyright.PENANAAedreeOZQE
(Sarah says what)159Please respect copyright.PENANAYIP2qsrGno
"The more you play with it, the harder it gets."159Please respect copyright.PENANAfqljTNJH3H
(he laughs and Sarah winks)159Please respect copyright.PENANAtWa1697XO9
Sarah, "Hey, I got one, 159Please respect copyright.PENANATCQC2VP4jd
"A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest. After about fifteen minutes, the tired man finally gets up and says,
"Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!" 159Please respect copyright.PENANAFqsjvvcDED
The woman says, "Me too, you've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!"159Please respect copyright.PENANAtkjlP1x5Lg
(Keith laughs hard)159Please respect copyright.PENANA1gD7NNBrT8
"Okay, that was pretty good honey." Keith says, "But, hey I got a bunch of them!"159Please respect copyright.PENANAN75m2KZ2OJ
Two men broke into a drugstore and stole all the Viagra. The police put out an alert to be on the lookout for the two hardened criminals.159Please respect copyright.PENANAwzwvh3Jao9
(Sarah giggles, Keith is on a roll)159Please respect copyright.PENANAoKLZZ5CBv6
Honey,159Please respect copyright.PENANAIWhXkQpk8y
"Who's the most popular guy at the nudist colony? 159Please respect copyright.PENANAazLJh4jHs2
Sarah grins, "Okay, I give up." Who?159Please respect copyright.PENANAxydwVSeu6u
The one who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts on his weiner!159Please respect copyright.PENANAPtHHJYu4ec
(Sarah giggles, slapping her thigh)159Please respect copyright.PENANAzwSYcBaqrA
Keith says,159Please respect copyright.PENANAVfOXxqBWGT
"What do a woman and a bar have in common?159Please respect copyright.PENANAqhshrl70XN
Liquor in the front, poker in the back."159Please respect copyright.PENANAQuN9BdPgjl
(Sarah laughs, smiles and then gives Keith a big hug)159Please respect copyright.PENANAunWHAmWzui
Keith, "Aww, Sarah, you know I still love you and you'll always be my best friend. Just forget about the $8000. 159Please respect copyright.PENANA6OvJ3nlDBK
Keith's wife, Sarah, had always been both amused and exasperated by his constant jokes. Every morning, as she sipped her coffee, Keith would appear grinning with a mischievous smile and say, "What do you call a cow with no legs?"159Please respect copyright.PENANAqO2jK8sjIz
"Ground beef!"159Please respect copyright.PENANAJVIhU2H5FI
Sarah would roll her eyes and chuckle, unable to resist her husband's infectious laughter.159Please respect copyright.PENANA3l5B5um6ow
Their children, Lily and Max, inherited their father's sense of humor. They would eagerly gather around him, waiting for his daily dose of laughter. 159Please respect copyright.PENANAcxd0wca8is
Keith would gather them close and say, "What do lawyers wear to court?" 159Please respect copyright.PENANAC0KqBGuLwk
Lawsuits.159Please respect copyright.PENANA0JDyBnRY1J
Lily and Max would burst into fits of giggles, just begging for more jokes until their sides hurt.159Please respect copyright.PENANA1ARLaV09Xm
Keith's friends knew him as the 159Please respect copyright.PENANArRSnTu78po
Clown Jester of Bakersville.159Please respect copyright.PENANA1Os8qRidJu
Whenever they needed a good laugh, they would seek him out. One evening, during a gathering at their favorite local pub, Keith got up and proclaimed, 159Please respect copyright.PENANA0WsJD8XUQC
"Why did the scarecrow always win an award?"159Please respect copyright.PENANAjZiBQhwdUk
Because he was so outstanding in his field!159Please respect copyright.PENANAQ8VuC2NGem
The entire pub erupted with laughter, and he basked in the joy of making others smile.159Please respect copyright.PENANABzLv2xdp1Z
His love for jokes extended beyond his family and friends. Keith would seize any golden opportunity to entertain unsuspecting strangers.159Please respect copyright.PENANAavkbD8OcRR
While waiting in line at the grocery store, he would strike up conversations with fellow shoppers and unleash a pun-filled tirade. 159Please respect copyright.PENANA1H7u2YVTkx
The cashiers, at first dreading the line of customers Keith held up, would eventually find themselves laughing along with the rest of the store.159Please respect copyright.PENANAbQvAEuMhmp
Keith's reputation as the "Jokester Extraordinaire"159Please respect copyright.PENANAS1QbmwpriQ
Spread throughout Bakersville. People began inviting him to events just to ensure a fun-filled atmosphere.159Please respect copyright.PENANAK2rROc8pMu
Whether it was just a birthday party, or community gathering, even a solemn occasion. Keith's corny jokes managed to uplift everyone's spirits.159Please respect copyright.PENANAXdWOU36hWT
One day, the Mayor of Bakersville decided to organize a grand comedy festival. Of course, Keith was naturally the first person he invited to perform. The festival was a great, riotous success, with the entire town doubled over with laughter. 159Please respect copyright.PENANAyaL36PrLlh
Keith took center stage, he was telling joke after joke, pun after pun, and the crowd couldn't get enough. It was a night of sheer hilarity, leaving everyone in stitches.159Please respect copyright.PENANAXdL08Aopai
His wife, Sarah, was used to his jokes by now. 159Please respect copyright.PENANAjWSGmhIot0
Having heard them all before, many times.159Please respect copyright.PENANAyHyQ1nVj59
She would just smile politely and laugh occasionally, but normally she would roll her eyes and shake her head. She loved Keith, but sometimes she wished he would tone down his jokes a bit.
His children, Lilly and Max, were also familiar with his jokes. They had grown up listening to them every day. They would sometimes laugh at his jokes, but mostly they would groan and cringe. They loved Keith, but sometimes they wished he would stop embarrassing them with his jokes.159Please respect copyright.PENANAPMxfwGg1zW
His friends, Mike and Tom, were also aware of his jokes. They had known him since college and had endured his jokes for years. They would sometimes chuckle at his jokes, but mostly they would ignore them or change the subject. 159Please respect copyright.PENANAHlSw2dFy4j
They liked Keith, but sometimes they wished he would be a little more serious with his jokes.159Please respect copyright.PENANAiWMAkip8ki
But Keith didn't care what anyone thought of his jokes. He loved telling them and he thought they were hilarious. 159Please respect copyright.PENANAaVgTaIGi0A
He believed that laughter was the best medicine and that everyone needed a good joke to brighten their day. He never missed an opportunity to crack a joke, no matter how corny or inappropriate it was.159Please respect copyright.PENANAro5dLWZZm5
One day, Keith decided to go to a comedy club for a night out. He had always wanted to try stand-up comedy and he thought he had what it took to make people laugh. He signed up for an open mic night and prepared some of his best jokes.159Please respect copyright.PENANAPmHshsCxtp
He arrived at the comedy club and was greeted by the host.159Please respect copyright.PENANAQbXR37BrCs
"Hi, I'm here for the open mic night," Keith said.159Please respect copyright.PENANAH8VxwFMA9w
"Sure, just write your name on this list and wait for your turn," the host said.159Please respect copyright.PENANABcX7gSfv9F
Keith wrote down his name and looked at the list. He saw that there were about ten other comedians before him.159Please respect copyright.PENANAAoMXYEHrE0
He walked over to the bar and ordered a drink. He sipped it slowly and watched the other comedians perform.159Please respect copyright.PENANAcWLpfQZPOb
He saw some of them get laughs, others get boos and some silence.159Please respect copyright.PENANATmwFniRV9k
He rehearsed his jokes in his head and smiled to himself.159Please respect copyright.PENANAk09ABqdCmK
(When he got on stage he said)
Hello people, I'm Keith, and I hope to entertain you tonight. "How many of you like to help people, said Keith?"
(The audience clapped)159Please respect copyright.PENANAsNOVzH4iUH
Keith: "Well I do too, I walked into my bank today and an old lady asked me to help check her balance."
So I pushed her over!159Please respect copyright.PENANAbatkOAApkS
(audience chuckles)159Please respect copyright.PENANAqpboBjp1bW
Keith: "Yeah, three years ago my doctor told me I was going deaf."159Please respect copyright.PENANAnZI0gyUMWY
I haven't heard from him since.159Please respect copyright.PENANADT5jYNJUsa
Keith: (feeling the crowd) "My wife says I'm getting fatter, but in my defence, I've had a lot on my plate recently."159Please respect copyright.PENANALlGQGsv05L
"Hey people, my dog is a genius... I asked him what is two minus two, and he said nothing.159Please respect copyright.PENANAGkA1U6w1JD
(audience laughing)159Please respect copyright.PENANAdW5TrHOHle
Keith: "You know the other day, my wife asked me to pass her the lipstick but I accidentally passed her the glue stick." 159Please respect copyright.PENANAhgueUXKWNW
She still isn't talking to me.159Please respect copyright.PENANAJBH9puwMxJ
(Keith smiles)159Please respect copyright.PENANACWSc43WsDm
Keith: "Just the other day I stopped by a roadside stand that said lobster tails $2. I paid my $2 and the guy says: 'Well, Once upon a time there was a lobster...'159Please respect copyright.PENANAkXsoqUA41E
Keith: "Yeah, some people can be so uptight you know, my female neighbor always suntans topless, my wife is quite against it, 159Please respect copyright.PENANAwcrFH9LwDt
but I am on the fence!159Please respect copyright.PENANACrMWaX83HD
(audience laughing hard)159Please respect copyright.PENANA43GKjJqsF7
[He gets on a roll]159Please respect copyright.PENANAaBjxGIg4c1
"Hey, I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes." 159Please respect copyright.PENANACUl8Roh7st
She gave me a hug!159Please respect copyright.PENANAlyAZlXlVNY
"Yeah folks, today on a drive, I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the people living there if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door in my face."
"My parents are the worst."159Please respect copyright.PENANAPNSRQ38DQu
Hey!159Please respect copyright.PENANA1K4Q1sOvG8
What is the worst combination of illnesses?159Please respect copyright.PENANAkeaxrOK0Qd
"Alzheimer’s and diarrhea. You’re running but can’t remember where."159Please respect copyright.PENANAgXCRGhMSBE
You know what? My girlfriend dumped me, so I stole her wheelchair.
"Guess who came crawling back?"159Please respect copyright.PENANAVRO14PahM4
For you gals out there, "What's the process of applying for a job at Hooters?"159Please respect copyright.PENANAx3ATXODoHS
They just give you a bra and say,
"Here, fill this out."159Please respect copyright.PENANAU8taqeWAt5
How do you get a squirrel to like you?159Please respect copyright.PENANAD4Cd3UUkcY
Act like a nut.159Please respect copyright.PENANAFlqQ4t4BoL
My boss told me to have a good day.. so I went home.159Please respect copyright.PENANAE7MGsGbTkp
I tried to sue the airport for misplacing my luggage. I lost my case.159Please respect copyright.PENANAzWNp6SeAwy
How do crazy people go through the forest? They take the physco path.159Please respect copyright.PENANAFVpTfxsf4q
I went to a psychic the other day and knocked on her front door. She yelled: 'Who is it?' 159Please respect copyright.PENANAAd2bky0baf
So I Left.159Please respect copyright.PENANANk4rRRbpKW
People, I was in a casino yesterday and a couple of cows were smoking weed and playing poker.159Please respect copyright.PENANA79j076TCgy
"The steaks were pretty high!"159Please respect copyright.PENANA9HjTWAWEiE
"Well, that's all I have for you tonight ladies and I hope gentlemen."159Please respect copyright.PENANAeDiq1k9jfB
Goodnight!"159Please respect copyright.PENANA5sLCMd5AAU
(Dave exited the stage to thunderous applause)159Please respect copyright.PENANAXXlTbOzMup
He went home happier159Please respect copyright.PENANAsU1YiVcAXq
than he ever
Dreamed!159Please respect copyright.PENANANIKW84EIQd
159Please respect copyright.PENANAfZsZPyto1M
© Charles Kemp
ns 172.71.254.21da2