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My wife and I were going through a divorce so I went over to the house trying to sort our joint possessions.
"Okay, sweetheart, since the court awarded you the house and the barn. We have six lawn chairs and I'm taking half of them." 434Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡe1CVIUhSIx
Also, some of the folding tables, "I'm taking my tools, and the loveseat. Cuz, I sure don't want anybody making love to you on my love seat!"434Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡou7TANIkFe
(I look around for more things, we lived on a farm and had some barnyard animals.)434Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ193iSPXGTQ
"Let's see, I need at least 50 head of cows, 15 horses, oh, and around 30 chickens and ducks."434Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ69vZlro3SH
Hmm... 434Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4jWxXETRi8
Oh yeah, and my dog Rex of course. "Here boy, come over here you mutt, you mangy critter..." Okay, I need the dog house and the 50 lb bag of dog food. 434Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡduZDUDIjyH
Yeah, the divorce court ordered that I get half of the heavy farming equipment. 434Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHe6D2GtZAi
"You can have have all the adult toys."434Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhUdasYaQAB
Except for the pecker enhancer!434Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyyHGgSZvSn
"That's all I need..."434Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmV3bvPXc3K
"Wait!"434Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIHlPZYMgdU
I glance at my wife's body "Didn't I buy those boobies?" She said, "Well honey, yes you did." What about it?434Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡA5M9TEIAzE
I said, "Sarah, I brought them big boobies, you can't have them!" 434Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ03ArloJrzM
Sarah said, "Keith, what's wrong with you, are you crazy!" 434Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRnWEdg0G0a
(Still staring at her, I notice a dragon tatoo under her tight, revealing shorts)434Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡj65dW5Z9S8
"Hold on, wait, one dawg gone minute!"434Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtj0Ik3C7Zw
"Didn't I pay for that tattoo on your butt?"434Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡihtQziTKSt
That cost me $100!
Sarah said, "Yes, so what!" What you're going to do about it Jack!434Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡf33QUMd63n
Keith said, "My name ain't Jack, Missy!" And what about your $3000 butt injections?434Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡh2euxPe0uL
"Sarah, I'm still paying for that big booty. Nobody can touch that booty until it's paid off!"
Orders are, nobody can see the great booty, Not nobody, not no how!434Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQzpev6tHKk
"Um...Keith? Said Sarah, you are quoting 434Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQtjc8kOCCW
'The Wizard Of Oz.'
I know that I yelled,
but I can't get no satisfaction. I can't get no satisfaction. "Cause I try, and I try, and I try, and I try." I can't get no, oh no, no, no...434Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡV0VuleBZdj
Ah, hey, hey, hey, that's what I say...434Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3G5j4TSYTD
"Keith?" Now you're quoting, 'The Rolling Stones.' "How come when you're angry you434Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2JNfYhSS7x
quote everybody?"
I know that Sarah but I need compensation! Let's see, the breast implants were $5,000.434Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAxXWpZO4km
Plus, umm... an additional $3000 for the butt injections and the $100 dollar Dragon tatoo.434Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJvOKN7YRWT
"Oh, and that thousand pack of 'Now and Later' candy!"434Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxptrbjJZRb
(Sarah laughs)434Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJ6HzDlZwCo
Keith, that line is from the movie, "The Cook Out."434Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡP5waMVu8QS
"Gosh Darn!"434Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuCZKoA1IOt
Woman, you owe me over $8,000 cash money on the line...434Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3fn1Pxo2r1
Sarah exclaimed, "Well don't hold your breath cuz I ain't paying you nothing Jack!" "Honey, I said, quit calling me Jack. Is that your new boyfriend's name?" 434Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡL6Zo9HrVLh
Sarah, "Yeah, and he's hung like a mule!" No, like a Tyrannosaurus Rex. And I don't have to hunt in the dark for his pecker. (Sarah snickers)434Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1D1aK0UK9K
Keith, "Oh yeah, I bet when you're making love and he's going down, he can hear his own voice echo!"434Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmI9HjA65x1
Hello~hello~hello~hello...
Hah! 434Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLAbsaC3nzc
Sarah, crieds, "Okay, now that's hitting below the belt."434Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaoOTT9Qv0i
You know you love my love thing! But Keith, you are a boring lover. 434Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbyvRiX6Zn8
That's how I fell into the arms of another lover. Do you recall when I said, "Give it to me! Give it to me!" I yelled. "I'm so wet and hot, give it to me now!" And you gave me an umbrella.434Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡALX5o8Dyyd
Keith, "Okay, I see you got jokes honey...434Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1egtTXAPBh
Here's one, "What makes a pecker and Rubik's Cube similar?"434Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmedm0qpkuv
(Sarah says what)434Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxOeTrhw3PB
"The more you play with it, the harder it gets."434Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPbSmZJd6x3
(he laughs and Sarah winks)434Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtoQ03GDQML
Sarah, "Hey, I got one, 434Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnCE4DiQyOn
"A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest. After about fifteen minutes, the tired man finally gets up and says,
"Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!" 434Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡh1A27P6SkK
The woman says, "Me too, you've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!"434Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6QhCkpEkjF
(Keith laughs hard)434Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJyn0SBIXc7
"Okay, that was pretty good honey." Keith says, "But, hey I got a bunch of them!"434Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2NNAQRPRg0
Two men broke into a drugstore and stole all the Viagra. The police put out an alert to be on the lookout for the two hardened criminals.434Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKm9vMHG4oP
(Sarah giggles, Keith is on a roll)434Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZh30Ui5y2g
Honey,434Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCCtjpwz1bS
"Who's the most popular guy at the nudist colony? 434Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡG0Ct7Sxk8E
Sarah grins, "Okay, I give up." Who?434Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmHiVMTSapX
The one who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts on his weiner!434Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxaTIydpzH0
(Sarah giggles, slapping her thigh)434Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvD4poCSYhZ
Keith says,434Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQFn5nxtHnZ
"What do a woman and a bar have in common?434Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiGzvJ7b7T6
Liquor in the front, poker in the back."434Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEQIcGIS1Lz
(Sarah laughs, smiles and then gives Keith a big hug)434Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡt4A4HOv0Aw
Keith, "Aww, Sarah, you know I still love you and you'll always be my best friend. Just forget about the $8000. 434Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOGyPMGzFTX
Keith's wife, Sarah, had always been both amused and exasperated by his constant jokes. Every morning, as she sipped her coffee, Keith would appear grinning with a mischievous smile and say, "What do you call a cow with no legs?"434Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoUi9nVrYov
"Ground beef!"434Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRETYbgs02X
Sarah would roll her eyes and chuckle, unable to resist her husband's infectious laughter.434Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡd51pDpHvG5
Their children, Lily and Max, inherited their father's sense of humor. They would eagerly gather around him, waiting for his daily dose of laughter. 434Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡElBDYZs7FV
Keith would gather them close and say, "What do lawyers wear to court?" 434Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGhsAP9NuoR
Lawsuits.434Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQiscyqb1Il
Lily and Max would burst into fits of giggles, just begging for more jokes until their sides hurt.434Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlKdTccZ41E
Keith's friends knew him as the 434Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQHakmou0qq
Clown Jester of Bakersville.434Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzqz8pjxkTr
Whenever they needed a good laugh, they would seek him out. One evening, during a gathering at their favorite local pub, Keith got up and proclaimed, 434Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIbVLzwf9DP
"Why did the scarecrow always win an award?"434Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡunrLIL898A
Because he was so outstanding in his field!434Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNbyIKxcjJs
The entire pub erupted with laughter, and he basked in the joy of making others smile.434Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvvZavwebru
His love for jokes extended beyond his family and friends. Keith would seize any golden opportunity to entertain unsuspecting strangers.434Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6OhxpYw9B3
While waiting in line at the grocery store, he would strike up conversations with fellow shoppers and unleash a pun-filled tirade. 434Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGPcQgBsqDE
The cashiers, at first dreading the line of customers Keith held up, would eventually find themselves laughing along with the rest of the store.434Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡILOvNjq23r
Keith's reputation as the "Jokester Extraordinaire"434Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxIrRpqMo6Z
Spread throughout Bakersville. People began inviting him to events just to ensure a fun-filled atmosphere.434Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDfd03dLyFl
Whether it was just a birthday party, or community gathering, even a solemn occasion. Keith's corny jokes managed to uplift everyone's spirits.434Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLQvZNMymFA
One day, the Mayor of Bakersville decided to organize a grand comedy festival. Of course, Keith was naturally the first person he invited to perform. The festival was a great, riotous success, with the entire town doubled over with laughter. 434Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFPNv8jeM9I
Keith took center stage, he was telling joke after joke, pun after pun, and the crowd couldn't get enough. It was a night of sheer hilarity, leaving everyone in stitches.434Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡu4zCY0zUgF
His wife, Sarah, was used to his jokes by now. 434Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡI7PEgaf5bH
Having heard them all before, many times.434Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTE17tVHDjL
She would just smile politely and laugh occasionally, but normally she would roll her eyes and shake her head. She loved Keith, but sometimes she wished he would tone down his jokes a bit.
His children, Lilly and Max, were also familiar with his jokes. They had grown up listening to them every day. They would sometimes laugh at his jokes, but mostly they would groan and cringe. They loved Keith, but sometimes they wished he would stop embarrassing them with his jokes.434Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡguumTBQd6t
His friends, Mike and Tom, were also aware of his jokes. They had known him since college and had endured his jokes for years. They would sometimes chuckle at his jokes, but mostly they would ignore them or change the subject. 434Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3YldLOu0JF
They liked Keith, but sometimes they wished he would be a little more serious with his jokes.434Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuiqPXDpEoU
But Keith didn't care what anyone thought of his jokes. He loved telling them and he thought they were hilarious. 434Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuJG5gC4Ji4
He believed that laughter was the best medicine and that everyone needed a good joke to brighten their day. He never missed an opportunity to crack a joke, no matter how corny or inappropriate it was.434Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8GiQMldA4A
One day, Keith decided to go to a comedy club for a night out. He had always wanted to try stand-up comedy and he thought he had what it took to make people laugh. He signed up for an open mic night and prepared some of his best jokes.434Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAKMnKy2wqQ
He arrived at the comedy club and was greeted by the host.434Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJM6DExGekt
"Hi, I'm here for the open mic night," Keith said.434Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9UtTNY2Ux0
"Sure, just write your name on this list and wait for your turn," the host said.434Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡt5AAAp90kB
Keith wrote down his name and looked at the list. He saw that there were about ten other comedians before him.434Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡng77fYCG6i
He walked over to the bar and ordered a drink. He sipped it slowly and watched the other comedians perform.434Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZbhk1Nuuxa
He saw some of them get laughs, others get boos and some silence.434Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡV3rvENAVxn
He rehearsed his jokes in his head and smiled to himself.434Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSVJLBc2iUB
(When he got on stage he said)
Hello people, I'm Keith, and I hope to entertain you tonight. "How many of you like to help people, said Keith?"
(The audience clapped)434Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjF0Nt6AwJp
Keith: "Well I do too, I walked into my bank today and an old lady asked me to help check her balance."
So I pushed her over!434Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡviMIhRPxvD
(audience chuckles)434Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSa0hicuw4M
Keith: "Yeah, three years ago my doctor told me I was going deaf."434Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeyni1NRkrw
I haven't heard from him since.434Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpjz7FvLclL
Keith: (feeling the crowd) "My wife says I'm getting fatter, but in my defence, I've had a lot on my plate recently."434Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡN47D6eeT5h
"Hey people, my dog is a genius... I asked him what is two minus two, and he said nothing.434Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqMz1N9f9qg
(audience laughing)434Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQANCJAPkiT
Keith: "You know the other day, my wife asked me to pass her the lipstick but I accidentally passed her the glue stick." 434Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTQY0BXohRh
She still isn't talking to me.434Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEuIYvVN1F6
(Keith smiles)434Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡm7bf4zuSOO
Keith: "Just the other day I stopped by a roadside stand that said lobster tails $2. I paid my $2 and the guy says: 'Well, Once upon a time there was a lobster...'434Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNEaZ03Xlnn
Keith: "Yeah, some people can be so uptight you know, my female neighbor always suntans topless, my wife is quite against it, 434Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDIuRAqKH9V
but I am on the fence!434Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOOJJ3ug44F
(audience laughing hard)434Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡo73LPQ3YuT
[He gets on a roll]434Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVRhZGxoaOd
"Hey, I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes." 434Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuWN37E75hO
She gave me a hug!434Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡER8pxRMelc
"Yeah folks, today on a drive, I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the people living there if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door in my face."
"My parents are the worst."434Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlE8lKJsp9z
Hey!434Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrqR2QprG42
What is the worst combination of illnesses?434Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2E2twfICfk
"Alzheimer’s and diarrhea. You’re running but can’t remember where."434Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZI9VMxfCYS
You know what? My girlfriend dumped me, so I stole her wheelchair.
"Guess who came crawling back?"434Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8UF2GpMNYs
For you gals out there, "What's the process of applying for a job at Hooters?"434Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfdqoMlfcFi
They just give you a bra and say,
"Here, fill this out."434Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡr7Kzc8rUk1
How do you get a squirrel to like you?434Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0perr2e0wS
Act like a nut.434Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4K0n8iHrkp
My boss told me to have a good day.. so I went home.434Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9mdykzT8mG
I tried to sue the airport for misplacing my luggage. I lost my case.434Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOGTekcO8xx
How do crazy people go through the forest? They take the physco path.434Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ57KefbxLtw
I went to a psychic the other day and knocked on her front door. She yelled: 'Who is it?' 434Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡD0i5ZmwsOj
So I Left.434Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKkkhGPDGSh
People, I was in a casino yesterday and a couple of cows were smoking weed and playing poker.434Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0BCAUuEZr4
"The steaks were pretty high!"434Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8Gfb96RGC8
"Well, that's all I have for you tonight ladies and I hope gentlemen."434Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZitQxKrgzc
Goodnight!"434Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmb357pkqgG
(Dave exited the stage to thunderous applause)434Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡi39wNArWE7
He went home happier434Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpro0mFi1e6
than he ever
Dreamed!434Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡm17CprB3gr
434Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpqx9oB1CLC
© Charles Kemp
ns18.118.209.158da2
