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My wife and I were going through a divorce so I went over to the house trying to sort our joint possessions.
"Okay, sweetheart, since the court awarded you the house and the barn. We have six lawn chairs and I'm taking half of them." 463Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrnHmIeUzXV
Also, some of the folding tables, "I'm taking my tools, and the loveseat. Cuz, I sure don't want anybody making love to you on my love seat!"463Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNpEfE0VoAW
(I look around for more things, we lived on a farm and had some barnyard animals.)463Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgGtk2oLnVN
"Let's see, I need at least 50 head of cows, 15 horses, oh, and around 30 chickens and ducks."463Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEFpKn8ZzoQ
Hmm... 463Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzjXZKlLwUh
Oh yeah, and my dog Rex of course. "Here boy, come over here you mutt, you mangy critter..." Okay, I need the dog house and the 50 lb bag of dog food. 463Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcEZOQfBAjN
Yeah, the divorce court ordered that I get half of the heavy farming equipment. 463Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡy2oMQ4SihR
"You can have have all the adult toys."463Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBkjUWWWGOQ
Except for the pecker enhancer!463Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFJc1rVg9Wp
"That's all I need..."463Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡw0W8gabMyh
"Wait!"463Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡq0QSRFrSkU
I glance at my wife's body "Didn't I buy those boobies?" She said, "Well honey, yes you did." What about it?463Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0UCVVyaNfF
I said, "Sarah, I brought them big boobies, you can't have them!" 463Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6gaj1RYmIB
Sarah said, "Keith, what's wrong with you, are you crazy!" 463Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTltyu0bgX1
(Still staring at her, I notice a dragon tatoo under her tight, revealing shorts)463Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuPLyzGkirQ
"Hold on, wait, one dawg gone minute!"463Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWKpxjfkjNt
"Didn't I pay for that tattoo on your butt?"463Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRTh4cMmfro
That cost me $100!
Sarah said, "Yes, so what!" What you're going to do about it Jack!463Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdnzQfMmDGV
Keith said, "My name ain't Jack, Missy!" And what about your $3000 butt injections?463Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKXDNjJ9oMJ
"Sarah, I'm still paying for that big booty. Nobody can touch that booty until it's paid off!"
Orders are, nobody can see the great booty, Not nobody, not no how!463Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5mynwE0FwB
"Um...Keith? Said Sarah, you are quoting 463Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHsw2oBCSLk
'The Wizard Of Oz.'
I know that I yelled,
but I can't get no satisfaction. I can't get no satisfaction. "Cause I try, and I try, and I try, and I try." I can't get no, oh no, no, no...463Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLvAlPvkVXe
Ah, hey, hey, hey, that's what I say...463Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvpHr8T1lDu
"Keith?" Now you're quoting, 'The Rolling Stones.' "How come when you're angry you463Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpu5xkEL0VH
quote everybody?"
I know that Sarah but I need compensation! Let's see, the breast implants were $5,000.463Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaZv2WfIesQ
Plus, umm... an additional $3000 for the butt injections and the $100 dollar Dragon tatoo.463Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8u6Zm4JeYq
"Oh, and that thousand pack of 'Now and Later' candy!"463Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzjnynSQkEv
(Sarah laughs)463Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡL2B3I6Zrux
Keith, that line is from the movie, "The Cook Out."463Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKu1wsNQMG2
"Gosh Darn!"463Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkNdIEAl4sP
Woman, you owe me over $8,000 cash money on the line...463Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvHUOlJztvq
Sarah exclaimed, "Well don't hold your breath cuz I ain't paying you nothing Jack!" "Honey, I said, quit calling me Jack. Is that your new boyfriend's name?" 463Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8p3s6iBKFb
Sarah, "Yeah, and he's hung like a mule!" No, like a Tyrannosaurus Rex. And I don't have to hunt in the dark for his pecker. (Sarah snickers)463Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLWNRTsc7CJ
Keith, "Oh yeah, I bet when you're making love and he's going down, he can hear his own voice echo!"463Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfFD0BRgOkO
Hello~hello~hello~hello...
Hah! 463Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4MDPhePYbl
Sarah, crieds, "Okay, now that's hitting below the belt."463Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡx4gL42c9zP
You know you love my love thing! But Keith, you are a boring lover. 463Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjkFdPTkM0L
That's how I fell into the arms of another lover. Do you recall when I said, "Give it to me! Give it to me!" I yelled. "I'm so wet and hot, give it to me now!" And you gave me an umbrella.463Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpcIK4qQQlB
Keith, "Okay, I see you got jokes honey...463Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSFmcfZdK8q
Here's one, "What makes a pecker and Rubik's Cube similar?"463Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnGhh0va9hN
(Sarah says what)463Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJxQlU0YD2H
"The more you play with it, the harder it gets."463Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlrrvRGclfp
(he laughs and Sarah winks)463Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfY7ZIHL8Gt
Sarah, "Hey, I got one, 463Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDx4GbFHjmq
"A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest. After about fifteen minutes, the tired man finally gets up and says,
"Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!" 463Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ38UgQbgbwA
The woman says, "Me too, you've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!"463Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOjiiL7Kfak
(Keith laughs hard)463Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrILLrx0Ifp
"Okay, that was pretty good honey." Keith says, "But, hey I got a bunch of them!"463Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡz2h6t1AAwt
Two men broke into a drugstore and stole all the Viagra. The police put out an alert to be on the lookout for the two hardened criminals.463Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡikLmq8O9Qb
(Sarah giggles, Keith is on a roll)463Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxjAFPVQqZ9
Honey,463Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdGEeTD4mAv
"Who's the most popular guy at the nudist colony? 463Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡV5ItgNtdoe
Sarah grins, "Okay, I give up." Who?463Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZad54Strxh
The one who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts on his weiner!463Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1II8sc2VzN
(Sarah giggles, slapping her thigh)463Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡx5CCz5fdep
Keith says,463Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡa9F4upZuwr
"What do a woman and a bar have in common?463Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkJtrym6ooM
Liquor in the front, poker in the back."463Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtWpNJBam4H
(Sarah laughs, smiles and then gives Keith a big hug)463Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZcL4QWA77A
Keith, "Aww, Sarah, you know I still love you and you'll always be my best friend. Just forget about the $8000. 463Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAoh7rBQjD2
Keith's wife, Sarah, had always been both amused and exasperated by his constant jokes. Every morning, as she sipped her coffee, Keith would appear grinning with a mischievous smile and say, "What do you call a cow with no legs?"463Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsdxkukFPM2
"Ground beef!"463Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiiQe7T2t42
Sarah would roll her eyes and chuckle, unable to resist her husband's infectious laughter.463Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuxLyeqexaG
Their children, Lily and Max, inherited their father's sense of humor. They would eagerly gather around him, waiting for his daily dose of laughter. 463Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9MrzxIBoLx
Keith would gather them close and say, "What do lawyers wear to court?" 463Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡR2W8PTnt4q
Lawsuits.463Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡq3IvLS5ye8
Lily and Max would burst into fits of giggles, just begging for more jokes until their sides hurt.463Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7ieMvvM3H2
Keith's friends knew him as the 463Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkNcepbcBMH
Clown Jester of Bakersville.463Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJrl5IujOpz
Whenever they needed a good laugh, they would seek him out. One evening, during a gathering at their favorite local pub, Keith got up and proclaimed, 463Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeEbsReRW2S
"Why did the scarecrow always win an award?"463Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡn1xuI7BYWh
Because he was so outstanding in his field!463Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlVmpTBKCdB
The entire pub erupted with laughter, and he basked in the joy of making others smile.463Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡT4ewlqvXDk
His love for jokes extended beyond his family and friends. Keith would seize any golden opportunity to entertain unsuspecting strangers.463Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHW27DlFiGr
While waiting in line at the grocery store, he would strike up conversations with fellow shoppers and unleash a pun-filled tirade. 463Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡElCACa0e01
The cashiers, at first dreading the line of customers Keith held up, would eventually find themselves laughing along with the rest of the store.463Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡriO2FaK9sY
Keith's reputation as the "Jokester Extraordinaire"463Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRkTRXNPeK8
Spread throughout Bakersville. People began inviting him to events just to ensure a fun-filled atmosphere.463Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0ErO7Z0HRk
Whether it was just a birthday party, or community gathering, even a solemn occasion. Keith's corny jokes managed to uplift everyone's spirits.463Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVBN0mmLuxc
One day, the Mayor of Bakersville decided to organize a grand comedy festival. Of course, Keith was naturally the first person he invited to perform. The festival was a great, riotous success, with the entire town doubled over with laughter. 463Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqz7yIEQRgL
Keith took center stage, he was telling joke after joke, pun after pun, and the crowd couldn't get enough. It was a night of sheer hilarity, leaving everyone in stitches.463Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyNLZ8dWCPd
His wife, Sarah, was used to his jokes by now. 463Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmEq53M0rvi
Having heard them all before, many times.463Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡClFvIgIoCZ
She would just smile politely and laugh occasionally, but normally she would roll her eyes and shake her head. She loved Keith, but sometimes she wished he would tone down his jokes a bit.
His children, Lilly and Max, were also familiar with his jokes. They had grown up listening to them every day. They would sometimes laugh at his jokes, but mostly they would groan and cringe. They loved Keith, but sometimes they wished he would stop embarrassing them with his jokes.463Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZdj4tRy5Nn
His friends, Mike and Tom, were also aware of his jokes. They had known him since college and had endured his jokes for years. They would sometimes chuckle at his jokes, but mostly they would ignore them or change the subject. 463Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9fqPVGPpt3
They liked Keith, but sometimes they wished he would be a little more serious with his jokes.463Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6Fdt31LEaH
But Keith didn't care what anyone thought of his jokes. He loved telling them and he thought they were hilarious. 463Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡp3RpAED7hL
He believed that laughter was the best medicine and that everyone needed a good joke to brighten their day. He never missed an opportunity to crack a joke, no matter how corny or inappropriate it was.463Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4VnCVRjvOl
One day, Keith decided to go to a comedy club for a night out. He had always wanted to try stand-up comedy and he thought he had what it took to make people laugh. He signed up for an open mic night and prepared some of his best jokes.463Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBGk3pPDFjQ
He arrived at the comedy club and was greeted by the host.463Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRj4q0Imo4L
"Hi, I'm here for the open mic night," Keith said.463Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCD8YIh868L
"Sure, just write your name on this list and wait for your turn," the host said.463Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ98qaoH3x2m
Keith wrote down his name and looked at the list. He saw that there were about ten other comedians before him.463Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrHV9OoBfk3
He walked over to the bar and ordered a drink. He sipped it slowly and watched the other comedians perform.463Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2eVu8EE905
He saw some of them get laughs, others get boos and some silence.463Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡijKBD6mjF0
He rehearsed his jokes in his head and smiled to himself.463Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdpyTQsyGIH
(When he got on stage he said)
Hello people, I'm Keith, and I hope to entertain you tonight. "How many of you like to help people, said Keith?"
(The audience clapped)463Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnUYftZoGAq
Keith: "Well I do too, I walked into my bank today and an old lady asked me to help check her balance."
So I pushed her over!463Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUK1POdJUPl
(audience chuckles)463Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNaaLBjieYs
Keith: "Yeah, three years ago my doctor told me I was going deaf."463Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHWffHhiDVc
I haven't heard from him since.463Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmG1mvJjoKl
Keith: (feeling the crowd) "My wife says I'm getting fatter, but in my defence, I've had a lot on my plate recently."463Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZtT1REV9iM
"Hey people, my dog is a genius... I asked him what is two minus two, and he said nothing.463Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNVrL4SWuEX
(audience laughing)463Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlu58shMvGl
Keith: "You know the other day, my wife asked me to pass her the lipstick but I accidentally passed her the glue stick." 463Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4luyFCMN0l
She still isn't talking to me.463Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡG1oFK2U9KO
(Keith smiles)463Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡg9Qk9WhAat
Keith: "Just the other day I stopped by a roadside stand that said lobster tails $2. I paid my $2 and the guy says: 'Well, Once upon a time there was a lobster...'463Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡd3kx3d524Y
Keith: "Yeah, some people can be so uptight you know, my female neighbor always suntans topless, my wife is quite against it, 463Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1oeG3k9wVt
but I am on the fence!463Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaPibgEsyKT
(audience laughing hard)463Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡezwXYLXAcA
[He gets on a roll]463Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFPWrlngxJD
"Hey, I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes." 463Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhHRdxAu2ou
She gave me a hug!463Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAWePY00xvz
"Yeah folks, today on a drive, I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the people living there if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door in my face."
"My parents are the worst."463Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOYTlDxUUbs
Hey!463Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQXY0uETro9
What is the worst combination of illnesses?463Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqWYINn2IcF
"Alzheimer’s and diarrhea. You’re running but can’t remember where."463Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVCD9wU61hv
You know what? My girlfriend dumped me, so I stole her wheelchair.
"Guess who came crawling back?"463Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQIobOJMaDs
For you gals out there, "What's the process of applying for a job at Hooters?"463Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDPtN1dXx7L
They just give you a bra and say,
"Here, fill this out."463Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaoPPYVHtSZ
How do you get a squirrel to like you?463Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYuYdWofEhS
Act like a nut.463Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrLLcgEZ9jD
My boss told me to have a good day.. so I went home.463Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡE1u4RrwAVv
I tried to sue the airport for misplacing my luggage. I lost my case.463Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡz8hOTX7VZS
How do crazy people go through the forest? They take the physco path.463Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7scMIoOpi8
I went to a psychic the other day and knocked on her front door. She yelled: 'Who is it?' 463Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡilzsPmr7z2
So I Left.463Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ49XDWIA9Cy
People, I was in a casino yesterday and a couple of cows were smoking weed and playing poker.463Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLsJeWq3pY4
"The steaks were pretty high!"463Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3r0IX3FI7y
"Well, that's all I have for you tonight ladies and I hope gentlemen."463Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPf84cuQT3C
Goodnight!"463Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9hHzArd7er
(Dave exited the stage to thunderous applause)463Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjnOmC622t4
He went home happier463Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4yeJUjQsSj
than he ever
Dreamed!463Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOOsmWScZwY
463Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4Amb03wxSK
© Charles Kemp
ns216.73.216.84da2
