一家人合照、用過的筷子碗碟、她最愛多啦A夢公仔⋯⋯ 有關阿媽貼身用品及心頭好,均一一齊全,幾乎沒有遺漏。 35Please respect copyright.PENANAlo1iaes35r
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物品可以循環再造,生命卻無起死回生。 35Please respect copyright.PENANARsCdh7D86T
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兩年來,我依然不曾發現,甚至誤認為他無情,為其加施出軌「罪行」。 35Please respect copyright.PENANA3Xpvvnu5Mi
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也許,真正無情的,是我。 35Please respect copyright.PENANAM6yhEFassg
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「除咗你之外,無人可以幫佢。」她拿起其中一隻多啦A夢公仔,輕力拍去塵埃,再小心放回原位。 35Please respect copyright.PENANA6208Ger6Rv
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此話一出,有種無形壓力壓在雙肩,恐懼自己無法勝任:「點解得我一個?」 35Please respect copyright.PENANARFi6AUzhVm
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阿媽沒作解釋,而是隨手拿起其中一幀家庭照,放到我眼前。 那是阿媽測出癌症前,我們一家三口,最後一次到日本旅行。 35Please respect copyright.PENANAiENeTfAABm
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照片中,我擺出一個冷漠微笑表情,他們兩人則圍住我,於富士山山尾拍照。 昔日畫面,頓時湧上心頭。 35Please respect copyright.PENANAfg8GusB2un
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那時,沒有知曉未來能力的我,還傻更更哼着《富士山下》,裝作睿智問道,應為「要擁有,必先等失去怎接受。」抑是「要擁有必先等失去,怎接受。」 35Please respect copyright.PENANA5FU6sD3Eun
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我想,無論是前者或後者,結果同樣沒法接受。 有時候,我會羨慕別人,自己不過是二十多歲,竟已失去母親,被迫面對死亡。 35Please respect copyright.PENANAv9LQDNrPHg
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喪禮當日,不少親戚長輩,均輕拍我肩膊,要我好好孝順阿爸,表示未來就靠我支撐。 35Please respect copyright.PENANAM4VSq1eT9r
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每下輕拍,都如巨石般重壓,有種無形壓力,要我一下子負起所有責任。我只能點頭苦笑,敷衍他們說話。 35Please respect copyright.PENANAM7YNmglgnR
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若果自己再年長點,會否有足夠成熟及智慧,能夠承受這一切。 仔細再想,無論何時發生,年輕或年老,均無法淡然接受,豁達面對。 35Please respect copyright.PENANAqft172tBb1
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可我竟認為,阿爸年紀大,能成熟應對,懂走出傷痛,輕視他痛苦。 35Please respect copyright.PENANAGrNARw8gkK
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他會否與我一樣,渴望有人關心,而非獨自承受? 35Please respect copyright.PENANA5ezsHuS3Rk
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「呢段時間,佢將所有心機放喺我哋身上,最能夠相信嘅人,就喺曬相入面。」 35Please respect copyright.PENANABZ9XxF98yW
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「但阿爸會信得過我?」畢竟從那天開始,他就決心隱瞞事實,不讓所有人知道,打算獨自承受一切。 時隔兩年才示好,就連如何開口,我都無從入手。 35Please respect copyright.PENANANcf0Zgijch
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「呢張相,你話呢度好睇,佢先Set腳架影,我話另一邊清啲,佢就點都聽唔入耳。咁你話佢信你定信我多啲?」她反問。 35Please respect copyright.PENANAM0ArMjFGcY
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我沉默不語,內心卻冒出答案。 35Please respect copyright.PENANAyFmgodYcu3
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「佢一直信你,只係你唔信佢。」阿媽直接了當說,我下意識立即反駁,卻無法自圓其說。 35Please respect copyright.PENANAjTm8gII1ck
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「年紀差太遠,呢啲叫代溝。」我推搪着。 35Please respect copyright.PENANAvF6t2NYyli
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「車,又唔見我哋代溝。」 35Please respect copyright.PENANAEyHaeA7yLR
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「都有㗎,但你明我講咩。」 35Please respect copyright.PENANAwVTm1gUv20
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「你都無同佢講嘢。」35Please respect copyright.PENANADsZU0lGVu4
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「一講咪嘈交。」 35Please respect copyright.PENANAvBChZorPC8
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「你唔講佢點明。」 35Please respect copyright.PENANAJFWHcs67Ci
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「佢聽得入耳先得㗎。」35Please respect copyright.PENANAnRjb7UQ2o4
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「你未試就知佢聽唔入耳?」 35Please respect copyright.PENANANwEjBt9Auw
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「我試過,但⋯⋯」我欲言又止。35Please respect copyright.PENANAPXIaUrfBrY
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「試吓原諒佢?」阿媽的三寸不爛之舌,出口快狠準,簡短卻精準,令我啞口無言,不得不屈服。35Please respect copyright.PENANAInX2GXSv8v
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儘管每次落敗,我依舊懷念鬥嘴時光,好比沉默不語。阿媽回來,頓覺整間屋充滿活力,非死氣沉沉,沉靜無聊。 35Please respect copyright.PENANAI3ug7aLjmB
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不知何時開始,我害怕面對阿爸,連說一句晚安,都經多番掙扎,每次說到嘴邊,便打消念頭,直接上床訓覺。 35Please respect copyright.PENANASPuXPXkKiB
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漸漸地,彼此不再交流對話,同坐餐桌,各有修行,卻曉有默契,互不搭嘴。 若他與阿媽說話,我則專注食飯,他安靜下來,就由我與阿媽閒聊。35Please respect copyright.PENANAngS8uANKgQ
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彼此傾訴對象,就只有阿媽一個。 35Please respect copyright.PENANAUsaWjvLneC
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這兩年來,大家對答次數,應該也有百多句,如果「哦」及「嗯」這些答覆也包括在內。35Please respect copyright.PENANAOty98Dk6xA
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但真正交流,可謂少之又少。 對上一次直視他、講出心底話,要追溯到四年前爭執。35Please respect copyright.PENANATnrGymaBHv
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那時候,阿媽為勸交,竟勸得流眼淚,可阿爸並無動容,無情說出一句話,令我感心寒可怕,自此對他心死。35Please respect copyright.PENANAgbcZ62VFjZ
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「你走咗唔好再翻嚟。」 35Please respect copyright.PENANAX9I0LlfGJV
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他說得字字鏗鏘,像是我踏出家門半步,就馬上斷絕關係。35Please respect copyright.PENANAEzZFqw1kTB
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原來,於價值觀面前,關係也不過脆弱如紙。 35Please respect copyright.PENANAEM4YelFTgt
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我只不過,希望他能理解我想法,而非站在電視前,隔住螢幕指手劃腳,喝罵批評我們的不是。 35Please respect copyright.PENANABgyeoefMYp
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我怕,他變成我最討厭一群人,我更怕,我就是他所指的混蛋。 35Please respect copyright.PENANARaxYp0wIHn
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當雙方處於對立立場,彼此都渴望對方歸邊,誤以為激辯一番,世界就會變好,我們就能和好。 35Please respect copyright.PENANA5GHqPf2y5Y
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但最終,我仍淪為,他口中的混蛋;他終成為,我內心最討厭的人。 也許,我們都有錯,錯在想拗贏對方,錯在想得到對方認同。 35Please respect copyright.PENANAEfpHAKSC0w
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如今,彼此不再交流半句,這結果,又如他所願、如我所想嗎? 35Please respect copyright.PENANA06v7YaDEYt
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我不知道。35Please respect copyright.PENANAqTOwWgEai9
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我只知道,他能輕易說出那句話,輕視我倆相處回憶,輕鬆捨棄彼此關係。35Please respect copyright.PENANAgAmLSrhyMl
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