he was extremely drunk, i was beginning to sober up. he was crying, heart wrenching cries. i was cradling him in between my legs. a guy who's a whole foot taller than me. hugging him so tight so that he wouldnt fall. i was resting my head on his back. he turned his head to look me in the eyes. his face red, his eyes puddled with tears.
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"why does it have be me lo?" his eyes pleading for an answer.
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i knew the answer but it wouldn't of helped him. nothing would.
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i kissed his head and whispered in his ear "i'll fix it"
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he closed his eyes shook his head and cried more, his voice broke
"you cant"
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i took his face in my hands and forced him to look me in the eyes.
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"do you trust me?" i asked.
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he nodded slowly.
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"i'll fucking fix it"
"i promise" i said.
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i held him until my legs went numb, and more. he wanted me there. i think i was the only thing helping him. everyone else was getting in his face and talking about how this is similar to their problems. i understood everyone was hurting. we're all a fucking mess thats why we were drunk and high. but it seemed i was the only one just simply being there. thats all he needed. he cried and cried and i held him tighter and tighter. he eventually reached behind and grabbed the back of my head in desperation. not hurting me just stroking my hair, bringing me closer, hugging me back. that was his way of saying thank you. i whispered something i knew he needed to hear.
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"you wanna know something?" i spoke in his ear.
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i continued.
"your mum told me that you have the biggest heart"
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he shook his head slightly trying not to believe it, because we both know it will hurt more if he does. but he needed to hear it. she would want me to tell him.
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"its true, she said that to me. you have the biggest heart out of both your brothers. she knows that. thats why she loves you" i kissed him on the cheek and stroked his hair.
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"your mum doesn't even like me, she thinks im a bad influence" he said with a sad chuckle, changing the subject.
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i paused.
"she doesnt like the things we do. but she does like the way you care about me"
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i continued.
"i talk about you alot. your the best brother i've ever had. and she loves that"
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i could tell just by looking at the side of his face he didn't believe me. his eyes fixated on something not important, just trying not to cry again.
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"i dont think you realise how much i fucking love you" i spoke.
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i wanted to say more, i wanted to confess my sins. but i didnt. i couldnt. he didnt believe i loved him. it killed me. i wanted him to know so bad.
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