When will this cycle stop?or maybe this isn’t a cycle just a straight road leading to an abyss which I fell into oh so willingly. Thinking of it as a cycle soothed my conscious by providing the comfort of returning to the “repenting” point. And that there is a good after this bad .more like I’ll do good after this bad therefore I’m not entirely bad. But I might have misjudged the road and truly it’s one where the “good” is an entirely different lane that I skipped. And the fact I feel no guilt now that provides no comfort at all . Perhaps I replaced the guilt with the cycle method . Knowing that I’ll repent afterwards regardless of feeling as such will certainly be equal to feeling guilty.
And this is a mistake . Or was. I don’t know . Nor do I know why I did this…Actually that one is easy
I did it because I simply wanted to. And I’ve done it so many times that it has been normalized in my brain,heart and soul
And that’s dangerous.
What do I do? I don’t know
What will I do? Repent
Is it sincere? Hopefully
Will I do it again? It doesn’t even exist as a concept in my brain after I finish for me to judge whether I’ll do it again or not
It’s purely a 5 minute momentarily an extremely stimulating sensation if not less then 5 , but holds no significance before or afterwards
I’m so confused.
I know what to do or what I should do.and I believe it’s true and the correct choice yet it’s not of significance for me to even be genuine at it .
Which is bad
Very bad
What to do ?
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