BLOOD AND HUMAN MEAT
Phobia from the perspective of a girl named Khushi.Written by a friend who finally decided to tell her story.
I love animals.23Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvIuTrKzYMf
I really do.But I can’t go near them. Not because I’m scared of them—But because I’m scared of me.23Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgTQKASpsU4
I’ve always had this... space inside me.An emptiness that hums. It feels cold and loud and quiet all at once.I try to ignore it. But sometimes it whispers.23Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzXQtZUupAN
And sometimes, it screams.
I remember the first time it really happened.One second I was laughing with my younger brother—The next, I was slamming his head into the table.Again.And again.And again.Until he stopped moving.23Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTiuEuioXO3
I didn’t want to.But I couldn’t stop.When it was over, I cried so hard I couldn’t breathe.That was the day I knew: something was wrong with me.
It got worse.I started craving blood. Not in a fantasy way. In a physical way.I imagined tearing into the people I loved.My parents.My friends.Alive.23Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNHHmuGovhQ
Their skin. Their smell. Their muscles pulling away from bone.23Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeAY6Xt7PaK
I stopped eating. I stopped sleeping. I stopped touching anyone.To keep them safe, I hurt myself.Scratched my skin raw.Bruised my own body with blunt objects.I counted 110 scars across my legs, my arms, my torso—like tally marks in a prison I built myself.23Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkaZcMvTqO4
I didn’t want to die.I wanted to be caged.
For one year, I rotted quietly.23Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡP3oHVh3YsH
Then one night, I caught myself watching my father with a hunger in my eyes that terrified me.23Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhH42ypHpsE
I left home the next day.
I moved into a PG far from the city.I begged for a single room. Didn’t get it.Luckily, my roommates were never there when I was.It was like the world was giving me space to fall apart.23Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnxcufryrPu
I tried to die seven times.23Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcsV2zJq1ZU
Jumped from a balcony.Held a knife to my throat.Grabbed a live wire.Stood in front of speeding cars.I always failed. Some part of me—just a thread—held on.23Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvy3McCr5bW
But the cravings didn’t stop.So I bought handcuffs. Three of them.Every night, I locked my wrists and ankles together before bed, just in case.23Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQcdOipAp5G
I didn’t want to become a monster in my sleep.
Six months later, I stood naked in front of a mirror and counted the injuries again.23Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0remSfIsdv
There were more now.Too many to hide.Too many to keep living like this.23Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡK59L6nuw79
So I asked for help.
The psychologist listened. Didn’t flinch.He said my obsession with blood and flesh was a twisted coping mechanism.A need for control.A desperate scream for power in a world where I once felt powerless.23Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtrLWGz8DUc
He said something inside me had snapped long ago.Something I'd never been taught to name.23Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpYF1EfeBAM
Now I’ve been in treatment for three months.23Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡT7Diwjq3yr
Still breathing.Still afraid.23Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtyWJqtwEa4
Still me.
I don’t know if I’ll ever be "better."I don’t even know what “better” looks like.23Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRxumnurbug
But at least now, the monster isn’t hiding.It’s sitting across from me in the mirror.And we’re learning how to live together—without killing anyone.23Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpUBcQFgvCD
Not today.Not again.
[Optional Epilogue: From an Outsider’s Eyes]
23Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsXLWTQOPdeShe talks like she’s made of glass, but her eyes are iron.You wouldn’t know what she’s survived unless she told you. You wouldn’t believe her even if she did.But I do. Because sometimes the ones who scare themselves the most… are the ones still trying to protect the world from their darkness.23Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdQW399TSpq
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