▌❝ Mum had always told me I was born with a silver spoon in my mouth.
I remember her mumbling it to me, her words slurred and poorly formed due to the contents of the wine glass in her hands. Words that were always tinged with a bitterness which I had always overlooked. Instead, I had always down on her with a slightly snobbish air, thinking how through all the shots I had taken, I had never quite fallen to her level, had never become an alcoholic. I would now do anything to go back and try to make things right.
I wonder where the the silver spoon was now. Because I doubted whether my mum's version of events would account for everything that happened after that day. Whatever metaphorical silver spoon I once had was now lost in a past I so desperately wanted to escape but never could quite shake off.
Otherwise, I would never have found myself here. Here in the middle of a university only few knew the names of, and even fewer who had heard my name. But that was the way I liked it now.
Striding up to the front of the university I let out a deep breath. I had to remind myself that no-one here will know me. No-one here will whisper about me when my back is turned, and then shift to send me a sugar sweet smile when I look at them.
Swallowing away unwanted thoughts, I make the first step into the university's campus.
Navigating my way through the campus, I can't help feeling like I was a star in some trashy tv show directed for teens. Except I doubted that I would be walking by myself trying to differentiate between grey buildings that altogether looked identical down to the last window.
Stiffling a groan, I hold up the map in my hands, trying to make sense of it all. Navigating my way around anywhere had never been my strong point. Jut when I'm ready to call it quits and turn back the way I came, someone grasps my elbow.
"Do you need any help?" A soft voice asks at my ear.
Turning around quickly, I come face to face with a short girl with blond hair so white she could put Draco Malfoy to shame. I snatch my elbow out from her hand, not liking the unfamiliar sensation of another's hands so close to my own. The familiar tide of ugliness washes over me, and I have to quell the urge to snap in her face. Never show weakness.
Instead, I smile at her, schooling my features into a look of innocence and helplessness. It's a look that I've had to learn to master for a long time. "Please. I can't seem to figure the map out."
The girl gives me a relieved smile. "Ok well where do you want to go, then?"
"I'm taking the philosophy course. So it's held in the theatre as far as I can tell." She giggles at this and I still the urge to roll my eyes. From when have I ever been particularly funny?
"Well, lucky for you, that's near my class. I'm a Music major, but some of my classes are held near where you're meant to be. I'll walk you to it if you want? Wait, just so you don't think I'm being a total creep, I'm part of the new student orientation group. It's like my job to take lost newbs under my win. Honest. I swear. Here, look I have a badge."
I force a smile and say nothing as the girl shoves a badge with the words 'new student mentor' under my nose.
For a good minute we walk in silence. But it's too good to last. "So my name's Ember. And yours?"
When I don't answer, Ember continues on as if she dealt with my frosty behaviour on a daily basis.
"Your building's right there," she points to yet another grey building. "And mine is just next to yours. Whenever you finish your lecture, you can always come and hang out with us. We would love having you and -"
Her next words are cut off by a tall girl with dark chocolate hair. "Ember, what are you doing here - and who are you talking to?"
The girl looks me up and down, a dismissive look plastered onto her face. She sneers a little after her examination and I've got no doubt that I failed whatever criteria she had set me. A bored look crosses my face. It's the same everywhere. There was always someone who thought they were kings and queens. Hell, not long ago I was the harsh judge who didn't care which who they stepped on to stay at the top of a delicately crafted social hierarchy.
But in the end, nothing gold can stay.
"Your friend is cute Ember," I lazily turn my face around to face them. "And my name's Ilya by the way."
♔ ♔ ♔
The lecture hall has the most beautiful view of the whole campus. I had always been a huge sucker for pretty things. Tragically, the view could only be seen by one seat. And of course, someone had already come and occupied the lone seat. I scowled looking around the large theater, noting that nobody else had arrived except the two of us.
Glaring at him, I deliberately take the seat next to him. It's childish, I know, but it's these little things that let me get through the nightmare my life has been so far. Just as long as I can distract myself for a little while, I can forget. And people have always shown themselves to be excellent distractions.
Pulling out a pen, I start methodically clicking and un-clicking it, staring into space. The wall is a crisp white and I think it must have been freshly painted. Nothing ever stays that pure and unmarked for long.
There's now only silence in the large space. The clicking of my pen echoes painfully loudly along the walls, but still the boy next to the window doesn't look up. Sneaking furtive glances every so often, I take him in. To my dismay, all of his skin, other than the tan strip of his hands, is covered. All I can make out is that a grey hoodie was the best clothing choice he could come up with for the morning. My lip quirks to a side. He's hoodie is slightly creased and I have no doubt that he had probably worn the clothing to bed the night before - if boys even wore clothes to sleep.
Sighing, I turn my attention to the front. More people have come in now, and a while later, the professor ambles in. I watch unimpressed as he writes words on the board. The marker he uses is new and squeaks unbearably across the board.
'Philosophy;
Professor Reed
"Happiness"
Everyone is hushed now and facing the front. I stifle a snort. Why did philosophy professors always have to start with such bullshit concepts like happiness?
Uncomfortably, I sneak a glance at the boy beside me. He's still sitting the way he was before, and if I was brave enough I would have nudged him slightly to see if he's asleep.
"Somebody tell me, what is happiness?" Professor Reed is talking up the front and I turn to look at him.
I need this course and this distraction because it's the only thing I've got now.
A guy yells out something vulgar and sexual, answering Reed's question. The class snickers and Reed frowns slightly. "Anyone else like to offer up an more sophisticated answer?"
"Being content with your life." A hesitant do-gooder's hand shoots up.
"Being able to be satisfied with your life." Another calls out.
My eyes glaze over. Everyone gives answers of idealistic bullshit mixed in with the occasional case of brilliance.
"Ah, You there, in the red jacket, what are your views on happiness?" He sees my the little eye roll I do at the other students.
"Well, happiness is just the state of mind or being grateful. It's subjective and depends entirely upon the individual." I say in a bored tone.
"That may be true, Ms Snow, but I asked what happiness is for you personally. You've simply parroted back a textbook to me. What makes you happy?" He asks me, a glint in his eyes.
"Uhh..." I can't tell him that I don't want to be happy. I don't want to fall into a trance where everything is fine because that means letting go. "I... I don't know, I guess. But then again, who really does?"
Professor Reid stares up at me, an eyebrow hitched up. I am beginning to like him less and less.
"Well, happiness isn't really an actual thing now is it? Like I said, it's just a state of mind." I add onto the end, narrowing my eyes at the teacher.
He thanks me and moves onto the next person, but something tells me he hasn't forgotten me and will come back.
I was right and the next thing I know we're being asked to discuss whether happiness is a state of mind or a state of being with our partners.
"Referring back to Ms Snow's statement, I would like you all to discuss it," is what Reid says and then steps back to sit behind his desk.
Turning around, I look at the boy next to me. He doesn't speak, doesn't acknowledge that I'm there. Just sits there silently, still in the same place as I last saw him.
Huh.
"So what's your take on happiness?" My voice drips sarcasm, but I expect some sort of a gesture from him. I get none.
Huh.
I wait for a bit, dimly listening to others chattering away in the background.
He doesn't move. At all.
"Well aren't you a load of fucking sunshine." I mutter under my breath and shift some of the lined pages on my desk.
The paper feels smooth under my fingertips and I revel in the feeling beneath them. I almost don't catch the next action my supposed 'partner' does.
Almost.
He tilts his head to the side, thoughtfully.
And I get the most breathtaking view of the side of his face.
His jawline is sharp, almost angry looking. He has the most spectacular stormy blue eyes I've ever seen, eyes that are half covered by strands of dirty blond hair.
Then almost like a wounded animal he turns away from me, hiding everyone that he had just revealed.
I take a sharp breath and look back at him, but he's turned back to tilting his head away. Professor Reed is now up the front, giving out homework: an essay what we were supposed to be discussing. But I barely hear him. Instead I turn back to the boy sitting across for him, wondering what the hell had just happened. Before I can so much utter a word, he's out of his seat, roughly pushing past mine in his bid to the door.
Swallowing I shove my things into my own bag, and follow the class out.180Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡe55cjBYGZC
