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Challenger EndlessMidnightMoon*
Challenger CityScape
Challenger G. Scott
  • G: General Audiences
  • PG: Parental Guidance Suggested
  • PG-13: Parents Strongly Cautioned
  • R: Restricted
1062 Reads

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Submission Closed
A - A - A
Banquet of Illusions
Jun 19, 2018
6 Mins Read
1,245 Words
Comments ( 6 )
EndlessMidnightMoon - This was entertaining and the dark ending gave a very nice touch to the story and theme. 

Although I didn't feel close to Jean, and it will be better if he shows more fear, is terrified but doesn't say it explicitly. But otherwise, his monologue was often funny and on point. 

As for the witch, she is comical but maybe some hints of the true nature beneath her words can be hinted in her actions, and that despite being chatty, she will will not let someone go. 

But otherwise, pretty good job as to this. I didn't feel it dragged, or anything that was particularly off. 
2 years agoreply

G. Scott - Pros: Decent plot and intriguing backstory.
Cons: The exposition was boring, I found myself skimming. 
Notes: Given some revision, has the potential to be a delightful work.
2 years agoreply

CityScape - Wow, I didn't get expect to get a comment so soon, thanks. Right, I more or less came up with things as I went a long as such it's not the most planned thing out there. Can you tell me what exactly you meant by exposition? Is it the scenes like the beginning or the lines that tie together the dialogue?
2 years agoreply

G. Scott - @CityScape, A little bit of both. 
"At least I have shelter from the rain here." - A bit of an unorthodox way to open a story but not unheard of. However, it brought questions such as; where is here? why is it now dark? Both of which are not answered until several paragraphs later. 

The section where you explain why Jean is skeptic/wary of the supernatural seems too forced. Perhaps take out some uneeded or filler information? As for how he feels about the supernatural, try to leave that out, and show how he feels through reaction instead of telling.

Concluding notes: You have some run-on sentences, but it's nothing some well-placed periods and semicolons can't solve. Also, are the - - dialog tags intentional? Why are they used inst|ad of quotation marks?
2 years agoreply

CityScape - @G. Scott Oh I see that does make sense, I'll change it up a bit in regards to the exposition, the suggestion about making him react is great I'll definitely try that. They are intentional, I Just think they look better there's not a particular reason why I opted out of using quotation marks other than my personal sense of aesthetic. Ah the punctuation problem, as english is not my native tongue, I am pretty bad with it, although that is just an excuse, truth be told even know I'm placing commas where I feel like they're necessary rather than any sort of logic.
2 years agoreply

G. Scott - @CityScape, Ah, okay, that makes sense. Otherwise, glad to hear I helped! Keep up the great work, man.
2 years agoreply