×

Please use Chrome or Firefox for better user experience!
Adventure
Short Story
The Adventure of the Wanderers
No tags yet.
Tags
Co-Writer Paul Wilkinson*
Beta Reader SazzyAuzzy
Beta Reader Frances
2 spaces left
Collaborators
  • G: General Audiences
  • PG: Parental Guidance Suggested
  • PG-13: Parents Strongly Cautioned
  • R: Restricted
PG-13
RATED
2037 Reads
9 Likes
3 Bookmarks
Popularity

Facebook · Twitter

FAQ · Feedback · Privacy · Terms

Penana © 2019

Get it on Google Play

Download on the App Store

The Adventure of the Wanderers
3 Bookmarks
#3
Bigger than us
Paul Wilkinson
Oct 17, 2015
3
9
275
7 Mins Read
Comments ( 9 )

Trane - This was, enlightening and quite beautiful, really tapped into my imagination, the way you write it...I mean it's like we can see it's a Beautiful universe
3 years agoreply

Paul Wilkinson - I'm really glad you like it, Trane. The next issue will be out in next couple of days so be sure to stick around :-)
3 years agoreply

Frances - I REALLY enjoyed this!!! I saw some nit picky grammar and spelling things but this is a first draft so that's expected and not to be worried about while you are developing the story.
I love your omnipresent tone here. For me, it was really reminiscent of Tolkien in "The Silmarillion". What an imaginative story line!! The world/universe you are developing is very clear, you detail it without making it a laborious backstory which is really good. You do a good job as well at keeping the action going and establishing conflict early on to snag the reader.
The only part that threw me was when Pura said that the forest was going to die that night, I felt like that scene hit me out of the blue. I would have loved to see more interaction between them when they first met to further flesh out their characters and hint at what their relationship will look like.
I'm fairly good at editing if you ever seen someone for the silly little detail hiccups. I work with StefaniMichelle on here mostly for her story 'Ascension' and she says I'm very respectful and true to her vision. If you ever want another eye, I'm here to help! Because I really love this and think this has SO much potential to be super epic.
GREAT job again, I cannot wait for the next installment!   
3 years agoreply

Paul Wilkinson - Thank you, I'm glad you've enjoyed it - yeah I was torn with a speed on that too, I've been meaning to flesh it out but I'm sort of at a block with this section; I'm not sure how I'd like to develop Pura yet... But there is plenty to come! 

But I'm starting to think a second pair of hands might be useful... I'll have a look through StefaniMichelle's stuff, and a look back through mine, and get back to you :-)
3 years agoreply

Frances - @Paul Wilkinson, you should look at her story "Ascension" anyway, I think you'd like it a lot. You guys write in a similar style of  the fantasy genre.  
3 years agoreply

SazzyAuzzy - Hi there.I really enjoyed your story and think that it is a very imaginative idea. However, I think you could slow your story down a bit and add some more details into the story.It would have been great to know more about Vitae and his brothers. What type of personalities do they have? Are some kind? Are some meaner than others? Does Vitae have a favourite brother? I think it would help if you added some of this in.You also have some common mistakes which are easily fixable, there are a few places where you have misspelled words or have put two full stops.A bit of a punctuation tip. When you write dialogue you begin with a capital letter, which I believe you do, as it is the beginning of a sentence. At the end of the dialogue, inside of your closing quote you use either a full stop or a common. You use a full stop when: EXAMPLE - "Why would she say that." She crossed her arms over her chest. The full stop is used because the dialogue is a whole sentence. Outside of the dialogue you capitalize the first word as it is a new sentence and what the character does is an action and not a speech tag.You use a common when:EXAMPLE - "Why would she say that," said Amelia.The comma is used because after the closing dialogue you are specifying who spoke.Also, if your character laughs or cries they are considered actions and not speech tags.I hope that is clear.Well done on your story. Is there more? I hope so.
3 years agoreply

Paul Wilkinson - Hi, thank you for the comments and advice :-) I'll go back over it and study my grammar - I'm usually writing it on my commute...

But I'm glad you've enjoyed the read so far. 
But don't worry more will come, the story is set out for a game so explanations are sort of dragged out...

Vitae will come to meet all his brothers, again, and we have yet to meet some more of the Wanderers - each brother will have at least one issue, the encounter, and another issue in the series will give reasons for Vitae's actions towards the brother (for example the fight and the forest fire)

Maybe not all of them are evil, I haven't yet decided, but certainly something isn't right back home.

I hope you stick around, and I try sort out my dialogue :P 
3 years agoreply

SazzyAuzzy - @Paul Wilkinson, don't worry, I will be sticking around. If you need a beta reader than I am available and I would love to help you. Good luck.
3 years agoreply

Paul Wilkinson - Thank you, that'd be helpful :-) I guess, enjoy the journey :P 
3 years agoreply

Loading...
X