She specifically requested no black.copyright protection181ＰＥＮＡＮＡoGp8PHnGQ0
We always joked about the ways we wanted to go, the ways we wanted to be remembered, and the ways we wanted people to act at our final sendoff.copyright protection181ＰＥＮＡＮＡaxK78UNbqQ
Yet, I am the only yellow spot in a sea of black.copyright protection181ＰＥＮＡＮＡvlr08eyxgy
I’ll try to make it brief because she always said I talked too much. I ranted and raved so much that it’s a wonder she ever got a word in. I remember how many of her thoughts I must have missed in trying to keep the silence from—copyright protection181ＰＥＮＡＮＡtFfTO4AbLr
No. Enough.copyright protection181ＰＥＮＡＮＡcVZX27SPii
There are at least yellow flowers surrounding a urn and a picture of her smiling face. She was quiet but the world paid attention when she smiled. Her mother is wearing green and her father is in a suit, always following some traditions, no matter the situation.copyright protection181ＰＥＮＡＮＡGND7OMmmkD
They asked me to speak when I don’t ever want to talk again. I haven’t since they told me what happened. It’s been three weeks and I still don’t feel the slightest inclination to say anything that crosses my mind. Was that what it was like for her? When the world, me included, never stopped long enough for her to say a damn thing, did it feel like this? Did it feel like no one would shut up?copyright protection181ＰＥＮＡＮＡVNjaH7ehj0
I do understand, to some extent. I don’t want to, but I do. We both had the line of pills and therapists and psychiatrists and the scars that have never gone away. We were both broken long before we could do anything normal like fall in love.copyright protection181ＰＥＮＡＮＡJwVItXPlN8
“Are you okay?”copyright protection181ＰＥＮＡＮＡEtWiBK4Y7p
“No.”copyright protection181ＰＥＮＡＮＡC3dVdU2scl
“Will you be okay?”copyright protection181ＰＥＮＡＮＡsWRnElluH8
“I don’t know.”copyright protection181ＰＥＮＡＮＡDlCzEekJcs
Those words were often switched up. They didn’t belong to me and they didn’t belong to her. We were opposites, operating like clockwork.copyright protection181ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8OvmJJgMbs
Shut up.copyright protection181ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7EoZ23lny2
“Dearly beloved—“copyright protection181ＰＥＮＡＮＡwbo9L2n5Lz
Shut up.copyright protection181ＰＥＮＡＮＡyUo3g8MxUY
“She is at peace—“copyright protection181ＰＥＮＡＮＡZ1Do1Fsm31
Shut up.copyright protection181ＰＥＮＡＮＡoAcNJYQ63B
They keep going though. As I silently will silence, people are getting up and taking turns to talk about her. Even the class president steps up to the stand, even though I know she doesn’t know her or didn’t know her. I don’t know.copyright protection181ＰＥＮＡＮＡGBw5FNdsk7
It’s been surreal ever since she died.copyright protection181ＰＥＮＡＮＡrk94IbKbxN
“She was a great friend—“copyright protection181ＰＥＮＡＮＡcWnpK7nAdr
Shut up.copyright protection181ＰＥＮＡＮＡcU3I0JvdbP
Yellow flowers, yellow dress, a black wave of everyone that wasn’t there for her before, Christ nailed to a cross reminding us of her Cardinal sin, her murder of the person most precious to me—copyright protection181ＰＥＮＡＮＡlCavHTHr4e
Shut up.copyright protection181ＰＥＮＡＮＡehbCHVJ5vX
“SHUT UP!” I stand up and scream.copyright protection181ＰＥＮＡＮＡwISAqSjW6u
Everyone turns towards me and I know I can’t stay here. I won’t believe. I can’t believe in a God that would condemn her to Hell for just wanting a break from the pain that I didn’t know how to relieve. I stand outside the Cathedral. It's amazing that they even let her family hold the service there. Outside, a boy who loved her has a flask. copyright protection181ＰＥＮＡＮＡMr7WXOPEfU
"I could hear you from out here."copyright protection181ＰＥＮＡＮＡTuc46T0QYw
I nod. Apparently words will continue to fail me.copyright protection181ＰＥＮＡＮＡNveF5FxpCE
“—CAN’T YOU JUST SHUT UP AND LISTEN FOR A MOMENT?” Her voice on the other end of the line was hysterical. copyright protection181ＰＥＮＡＮＡUp51m3QcI6
“—Look—“copyright protection181ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6BAiGHbHxa
She hung up on me and shoved enough pills down her throat to make it last.copyright protection181ＰＥＮＡＮＡdlFs0L8yaK
“I love you.”copyright protection181ＰＥＮＡＮＡc4ai6wmWI4
In everything I ever said, I never once said those three God damned words. I don’t think they would have made a difference but—copyright protection181ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2PGD7nkj4S
Shut up.copyright protection181ＰＥＮＡＮＡuidaLeVTN6
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