She specifically requested no black.copyright protection299ＰＥＮＡＮＡXzSHdfSyfO
We always joked about the ways we wanted to go, the ways we wanted to be remembered, and the ways we wanted people to act at our final sendoff.copyright protection299ＰＥＮＡＮＡLiUdHiXbJN
Yet, I am the only yellow spot in a sea of black.copyright protection299ＰＥＮＡＮＡdZNdUsa2TR
I’ll try to make it brief because she always said I talked too much. I ranted and raved so much that it’s a wonder she ever got a word in. I remember how many of her thoughts I must have missed in trying to keep the silence from—copyright protection299ＰＥＮＡＮＡGQqzxEOqc3
No. Enough.copyright protection299ＰＥＮＡＮＡeYl9c3r9eb
There are at least yellow flowers surrounding a urn and a picture of her smiling face. She was quiet but the world paid attention when she smiled. Her mother is wearing green and her father is in a suit, always following some traditions, no matter the situation.copyright protection299ＰＥＮＡＮＡWsaKG5dQ76
They asked me to speak when I don’t ever want to talk again. I haven’t since they told me what happened. It’s been three weeks and I still don’t feel the slightest inclination to say anything that crosses my mind. Was that what it was like for her? When the world, me included, never stopped long enough for her to say a damn thing, did it feel like this? Did it feel like no one would shut up?copyright protection299ＰＥＮＡＮＡIOW9nuNbU0
I do understand, to some extent. I don’t want to, but I do. We both had the line of pills and therapists and psychiatrists and the scars that have never gone away. We were both broken long before we could do anything normal like fall in love.copyright protection299ＰＥＮＡＮＡe9YAiaDKkS
“Are you okay?”copyright protection299ＰＥＮＡＮＡVhk611beSj
“No.”copyright protection299ＰＥＮＡＮＡlA7hKvMxGG
“Will you be okay?”copyright protection299ＰＥＮＡＮＡxVPww8GaS0
“I don’t know.”copyright protection299ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2OhnUjo5yh
Those words were often switched up. They didn’t belong to me and they didn’t belong to her. We were opposites, operating like clockwork.copyright protection299ＰＥＮＡＮＡoTRwaB1W9I
Shut up.copyright protection299ＰＥＮＡＮＡDGDtd9BTku
“Dearly beloved—“copyright protection299ＰＥＮＡＮＡUmicKdw9i4
Shut up.copyright protection299ＰＥＮＡＮＡqHXie8Tg43
“She is at peace—“copyright protection299ＰＥＮＡＮＡYIKCbXMNR6
Shut up.copyright protection299ＰＥＮＡＮＡhLsAYdNum6
They keep going though. As I silently will silence, people are getting up and taking turns to talk about her. Even the class president steps up to the stand, even though I know she doesn’t know her or didn’t know her. I don’t know.copyright protection299ＰＥＮＡＮＡyMOw42EYiJ
It’s been surreal ever since she died.copyright protection299ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2grMTDJFqA
“She was a great friend—“copyright protection299ＰＥＮＡＮＡLImeikr5PO
Shut up.copyright protection299ＰＥＮＡＮＡbnAZUF2yEl
Yellow flowers, yellow dress, a black wave of everyone that wasn’t there for her before, Christ nailed to a cross reminding us of her Cardinal sin, her murder of the person most precious to me—copyright protection299ＰＥＮＡＮＡhGCJsvmcaN
Shut up.copyright protection299ＰＥＮＡＮＡMVv89NtASi
“SHUT UP!” I stand up and scream.copyright protection299ＰＥＮＡＮＡo4GZ4AF78k
Everyone turns towards me and I know I can’t stay here. I won’t believe. I can’t believe in a God that would condemn her to Hell for just wanting a break from the pain that I didn’t know how to relieve. I stand outside the Cathedral. It's amazing that they even let her family hold the service there. Outside, a boy who loved her has a flask. copyright protection299ＰＥＮＡＮＡsq049tzvFJ
"I could hear you from out here."copyright protection299ＰＥＮＡＮＡjsEOAOB4pu
I nod. Apparently words will continue to fail me.copyright protection299ＰＥＮＡＮＡmOz2NDDtKM
“—CAN’T YOU JUST SHUT UP AND LISTEN FOR A MOMENT?” Her voice on the other end of the line was hysterical. copyright protection299ＰＥＮＡＮＡNccOgliPRX
“—Look—“copyright protection299ＰＥＮＡＮＡzaqdY12A5r
She hung up on me and shoved enough pills down her throat to make it last.copyright protection299ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4rfDu3h8w2
“I love you.”copyright protection299ＰＥＮＡＮＡUke69vsrlj
In everything I ever said, I never once said those three God damned words. I don’t think they would have made a difference but—copyright protection299ＰＥＮＡＮＡpUuP8tRa3W
Shut up.copyright protection299ＰＥＮＡＮＡB8oRMSU40r
ns3.228.21.204da2
