He stands on the bank of the river, pockets full of stones, heart full of nothing.copyright protection145ＰＥＮＡＮＡOuyfi74dr5
The moon looms as the only patron to this sad show. He gazes up at it, thanking it for its white and phosphorescent presence. copyright protection145ＰＥＮＡＮＡxAaigt58qh
How did he get to this point?copyright protection145ＰＥＮＡＮＡFQmwbGE4Nw
“It always starts with ignorance.”copyright protection145ＰＥＮＡＮＡkB0SQjZVwr
Sitting at the cluttered table, more magazines than food, he sighed. copyright protection145ＰＥＮＡＮＡ141cniFtq6
“There’s nothing here for me,” he said, hands folded on the table.copyright protection145ＰＥＮＡＮＡL6W7C8OhcB
His mother cleaned each dish with a dirty gray rag. “Tomorrow you’re going to find something worth living for,” she said with her back to him. “Once you find that out, it’ll buy you a few months of happiness, then you’ll be back here.”copyright protection145ＰＥＮＡＮＡOwdPp48pZF
Studying at his hands, he ignored her. There’s nothing here for me, he repeated to himself. copyright protection145ＰＥＮＡＮＡR0JSc7aSAB
His toes dip into the river. The water seeps through the holes in his boots, making his toes numb upon contact. Not even crickets grace him with their monotonous song. Just as he’s always thought, this place holds nothing for him.copyright protection145ＰＥＮＡＮＡYlHVsk3gBg
Once the world offered something in the form of a girl, God’s most deceptive creature. They wren’t more than kids at the time. copyright protection145ＰＥＮＡＮＡSpN6edamDa
Early in life nothing in this world pleased him longer than an ice cream cone or a program on TV. Even then his mother understood him better than he understood himself. He focused on the fleeting, on the momentary, and this girl was no exception.copyright protection145ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1ubLnnSxgt
“I love you, you know that?” she whispered in his ear.copyright protection145ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9fORahbeyN
He smoothed the wrinkles on her sleeve, filling each space between her fingers with his own.copyright protection145ＰＥＮＡＮＡuqciwrvHO8
“What is love?” he asked, kissing her. “Is it that?” He ran two finger through her black hair. “Is it this?”copyright protection145ＰＥＮＡＮＡRQD2B0quyH
She closed her eyes, growing tired. “Love can either be everything or nothing.” Opening her eyes, she said, “It’s all up to you.”copyright protection145ＰＥＮＡＮＡXHWMz73LlB
He didn’t love her in time. She was gone by the time he made up his mind. When he went to her with his answer, she was with another boy. Her silver eyes met his, devoid of emotion, completely without love.copyright protection145ＰＥＮＡＮＡyQ2L9zdEg1
A cold breeze nudges him into the water, but he doesn’t take more than one step. An owl flies overhead and swoops into a tree. Another spectator.copyright protection145ＰＥＮＡＮＡN8RqbtqBYZ
His mother was the only one that could occupy his heart, and it was only ever halfway full at best.copyright protection145ＰＥＮＡＮＡjVGfHgnL1J
She didn’t leave him. She was consistent, even when he craved chaos. It was at her death that he came to the river every night ready to die.copyright protection145ＰＥＮＡＮＡnzzplIYynf
“Just wait,” his mother told him in their tiny kitchen. “Be patient. Something will come. You’re looking for satisfaction in all the wrong places.”copyright protection145ＰＥＮＡＮＡzborCzV3bT
He couldn’t even find satisfaction in her, the woman who raised him. He asked, “What am I doing wrong?”copyright protection145ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2uOIKwY7i0
She sat across from him, her hands smelling of dish soap and dirty water. “You’re trying too hard.” She took his hand. He looked into her wrinkled face. “Searching is trying too hard.”copyright protection145ＰＥＮＡＮＡQFAq4V93tw
“But what if something never comes?”copyright protection145ＰＥＮＡＮＡj3IHvkgqnr
Something––anything––still has not come. That’s why he keeps coming to the river.copyright protection145ＰＥＮＡＮＡjpV88FF7NX
Two rocks weigh him down. He picks one up and rolls it in his hand. Somewhere a toad croaks.copyright protection145ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7DCH3HCdK6
“This world cannot satisfy you,” his mother said, squeezing his hand.copyright protection145ＰＥＮＡＮＡJ49rLEM159
His father snuck out after ten years of barely being around. His mother cried for two days and that was it. She never mentioned him again until her last day alive.copyright protection145ＰＥＮＡＮＡtoyowH4bOR
Some kind of cancer was killing her slowly and painfully. In her last month she was half the woman she used to be. He never left her side in those last days, even though he couldn’t stand the sight of her like this. Her embalmed corpse looked healthier after those long and tortuous months were over.copyright protection145ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8VvLDzsgMd
He asked, “What am I going to do without you?”copyright protection145ＰＥＮＡＮＡmwhwY3bK5g
Looking up at the stars, he asks again, “What can I do without you?”copyright protection145ＰＥＮＡＮＡTyEsXba2nY
On her deathbed she smiled, though he interpreted the thinning of her lips and reveal of her yellow teeth as pain.copyright protection145ＰＥＮＡＮＡTwUphxYKNK
“I didn’t know what I was going to do when your dad left,” she said. “I thought we were going to starve. But I woke up the next morning and made us breakfast, then lunch, then dinner. I couldn’t rely on anyone anymore.”copyright protection145ＰＥＮＡＮＡXahfHfjSZo
She couldn't even rely on her son to pay her medical bills. He bowed his head.copyright protection145ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9TWNmUZwWm
With an icy finger she lifted his chin. “God took care of us,” she said before a wrack of coughs took her. After a drink of water, she continued, “And God is going to take care of you.”copyright protection145ＰＥＮＡＮＡvQSpfaXeUL
It doesn’t feel like God’s done much of anything in his life. Standing ankle-deep in water, his stomach growls and his head throbs. There’s a stack of bills at home and an empty checkbook on his desk. It’s been that way for months.copyright protection145ＰＥＮＡＮＡZSVg7Cvqvv
He hasn’t forgotten his mother’s words, whether or not he believes in them.copyright protection145ＰＥＮＡＮＡPEoMsLGrhD
Fifteen years after his father left, he came back into his life. It was at a grocery store on Christmas Eve (his least favorite time of year). Waiting to check out, a man at the register in front of him complained about being overcharged. Persuaded by the season of giving, he paid the difference for the man.copyright protection145ＰＥＮＡＮＡOMuHcKR9YL
He was missing his front teeth. When he smiled it looked like a small window into his soul. Then he said, “Mark?”copyright protection145ＰＥＮＡＮＡUYDPeLsKcY
He gave his father a couch that night and woke up to his TV missing. Just like that, his father was out of his life again, just when his heart began filling back up.copyright protection145ＰＥＮＡＮＡf1CDN4puwG
The water laps up to his knees. He can’t feel his legs. The water makes his pants heavier. HIs lungs hurt from the cold as he gets neck-deep.copyright protection145ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8ktC1FmSPl
Tonight is the time––right now is the time to die.copyright protection145ＰＥＮＡＮＡEJjhzx22hf
“God,” he says, “if you’re listening, I tried…and I failed.”copyright protection145ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0wgCa4Hzzd
The water collects over his head as he inhales his last breath, walking deeper into the river. The rocks in his pockets pull him down. He lets go of the rock in his hand and lets the weight carry in down.copyright protection145ＰＥＮＡＮＡgHyKjAqFtf
Rewind to him standing on the bank. Move back to him stuffing his pockets with rocks. Look back to him walking to the river.copyright protection145ＰＥＮＡＮＡ18YkpxSsA9
The water swells unlike his heart. It rushes just like blood rushes to that red organ, but the blood passes through.copyright protection145ＰＥＮＡＮＡHAGYcR2UrB
Underwater, getting lower and lower to the bottom, closer to his death, he decides to keep trying.copyright protection145ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8IjHsChSiL
Rocks spill from his pockets as he turns them out. Bubbles float up from his gasping mouth. As soon as his feet touch the bottom he pushes upward, air rushing into his lungs as if for the first time in his life.copyright protection145ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7jT6DjEvLe
As long as he’s trying, he’s not failing. Swimming to the sandy bank, the chilly breeze helps him there. God helps him there. Though it’s freezing and convulses, his heart still beats. He’s still alive.copyright protection145ＰＥＮＡＮＡFtPms1evWG
He’s still alive.copyright protection145ＰＥＮＡＮＡ74oqLR23Jl
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