Night 1. Day 1.copyright protection341ＰＥＮＡＮＡaRNqO7FKwa
I wonder if it bugs her, the smell of my cigarettes. She always eyes me with those skeptical amber eyes, but I can never tell her subtleties. Is that a head tilt of curiosity, or a head tilt of disapproval? I can’t tell. She has so many small cues I have yet to learn.copyright protection341ＰＥＮＡＮＡEw09pitLxI
Night 3. Day 13.copyright protection341ＰＥＮＡＮＡWd0a3CZD6u
Like the way I find her playing with the empty pack of cigarettes when I walk out of the shower. Without saying a word I watch her from the hallway as she traced her fingers across each letter, tracing the logo, like she’s trying to memorize it’s touch and feel. Again, is it curiosity, or disapproval? I want to know what is going through that little head of hers. I took a step forward, the floorboard squeaks, she quickly puts the pack down and pulls the covers over herself. By the time I make the few steps into the room, she’s hidden far under the covers. Had I not known, I would have thought her to be fast asleep. Not quite sure what to do, I walk over to the large window opening up to city skyline. Sighing, I can see her anticipating eyes tracing the outline of my back through the reflection of the window. Saying nothing, I leave the unanswered questions behind. Once again, unvoiced.copyright protection341ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4hmRIaZoUw
Night 6. Day 228.copyright protection341ＰＥＮＡＮＡyy2zHsRado
There are times I think my smoking repulses her and times I know it does. Like when I go in for a kiss, she always mentions the bitterness of my lips. She tells me it leaves an unsatisfying taste on her tongue, and then, often, she pulls away from my embrace all together. I am left behind to smirk at her sauntering silhouette as she sashays off to meet up with her friends at the bar. Funny, if she mentioned how little I showed up in town half as much as she mentions my smoke tart breath, I’d think she misses me. But no such luck. Can’t be helped, I hardly have time to meet up with her, if not for the night gigs she comes to to show her support, I wouldn’t see her at all. Smoke and luck aside, I never fail to take her back with me. Be it planned, or unplanned, she will always sneak away with me.copyright protection341ＰＥＮＡＮＡT9CTkFwkjD
Night 13. Day 278copyright protection341ＰＥＮＡＮＡPoVbgDmf1g
It’s times like these that makes me remember the aftermath. I am no idiot. I see her stark solemn shadowed back. I happen to have forgotten the towel, I left the shower running and opened the door to the room without her noticing. But I notice. I notice the way she is holding my shirt up toward her face, tears freshly streaking down her cheeks. Gripping my pristine button up like someone, anyone, is going to rip it out of her hands at any time, tearing her fingers away from them. I am not sure how long I stood there for, but when she finally looks up and her reflection catches mine in the window, I can only let out a sigh. Her tears never stops and the mist from the shower is wafting into the room. Walking over to the bedside table, I grab my cigarettes, lighter, and headed out to the balcony, fully aware of her tear drenched eyes as they trace my every move. She continues to watch me through the glass door.copyright protection341ＰＥＮＡＮＡLAPO9xg0Hu
Night 17. Day 315copyright protection341ＰＥＮＡＮＡpBD1vYH1j1
The night continues on forever. I smoke. She makes use of the unoccupied hot shower to camouflage her tears, no doubt. I am guessing it’s neither disapproval or curiosity. Just a longing, a sent and action she can remember me by. Subtleties. . . It sure would explain the empty cigarette pack in her purse she held onto, from who knows how long back.copyright protection341ＰＥＮＡＮＡF8pAkFdGUf
Night 21, Day 348copyright protection341ＰＥＮＡＮＡXGPMuYjKZ1
Maybe I’m not being fair. Maybe I’m being selfish. So many nights have pass in these hotel rooms like this night. I never fail to swoop her away with me, but I also never fail to leave her behind day and day again. It’s become blatantly clear that neither one of us addressed what this is, because there is nothing to address. What is it we are doing here? What are we? Those are questions she avoids asking me, but I can feel the air being syphoned out of me when she clamps down on those perfectly plump lips each time I reach the door.copyright protection341ＰＥＮＡＮＡeoDSq8R7aa
Night 24, Day 365copyright protection341ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9QjyqEdEk8
I try leaving her alone after that. It is clear my presence is no longer welcomed in her life. I see the sorrowful stare she gives me at the bar now. Not sure whom to leave with, me, or her perfect childhood friend who has been nothing but adoring to her. I made the choice easier, I walked away.copyright protection341ＰＥＮＡＮＡUhOJ3iIn3I
Year 2copyright protection341ＰＥＮＡＮＡoi71axa2Fl
Or so I thought.copyright protection341ＰＥＮＡＮＡdObxmBbAgv
Year 2 Day 2copyright protection341ＰＥＮＡＮＡJaNxURQDeT
But one more visit over at her apartment changes that. copyright protection341ＰＥＮＡＮＡlDbsFm0PpF
Year 2 Day 15copyright protection341ＰＥＮＡＮＡbCum9QYkre
She is rooming with a mutual friend of mine, my lead vocalist's girlfriend to be precise. He had left his lyrics in her room. He left everything in that room, his life even. So while my mutual friend scours her room for his lyrics, I let myself into the room of those amber eyes. Looking around I notice it to be as clean as it has always been before. Possibly even emptier now that she no longer had my poster hanging on her walls. Guess it would be hard to continue being such a dedicated fan to a man who stole away her soul and sanity.copyright protection341ＰＥＮＡＮＡQapDIjuyWJ
Year 2 Day 15copyright protection341ＰＥＮＡＮＡsimEK10KRp
I turn to leave when it caught my eyes. A small twelve pack, Djarum BLACK Cherry. I step over to her bedside table to pick it up. Light, and empty.copyright protection341ＰＥＮＡＮＡq22UocLmwc
Year 2 Day 16copyright protection341ＰＥＮＡＮＡBnn005kvEh
“Oh that thing” I turn to see the mutual friend walk in, “I don’t even know why she has that. She doesn’t even smoke”.copyright protection341ＰＥＮＡＮＡe6zAKkCL5t
Year 2 Day 17copyright protection341ＰＥＮＡＮＡbvvepUqbhX
“Why does she have it then?” My lips form the question to voice the curiosity I didn’t even know I had.copyright protection341ＰＥＮＡＮＡnTkLTlReQv
Year 2 Day 18copyright protection341ＰＥＮＡＮＡv5C5Gnpi9u
She shrugs. “I don’t know. She just always stares at it at night, I don’t even know if she sleeps at night. She stares it so much”. She hands me the lyrics “here”.copyright protection341ＰＥＮＡＮＡMkZhypcZAt
Year 2 Day 19copyright protection341ＰＥＮＡＮＡWYmhKgCBut
I grab the lyrics hesitantly, still staring down at the empty black pack.copyright protection341ＰＥＮＡＮＡ70zJ5f7uyg
Year 2 Day 20copyright protection341ＰＥＮＡＮＡZkBZBaoN9Z
“Don’t you smoke those black cherries?” she asks indifferentlycopyright protection341ＰＥＮＡＮＡh6XDnHT0jo
Year 2 Day 25copyright protection341ＰＥＮＡＮＡtqp2auihZQ
It was my turn to shrug to mirror her fained indifference. “Sure”.copyright protection341ＰＥＮＡＮＡyZa9YMknAt
Year 2 Day 26copyright protection341ＰＥＮＡＮＡmRzkvX1pXl
Placing down the pack I find my way to the front door to head out of the apartment.copyright protection341ＰＥＮＡＮＡNrLduWIMeI
Year 2 Day 28copyright protection341ＰＥＮＡＮＡDMHOWFAg3a
“Hey, we’re having a small get together to celebrate tonight. If you’re interested swing by and join us. she finally scored her dream job”.copyright protection341ＰＥＮＡＮＡKp2jJxhLWe
Year 2 Day 29copyright protection341ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6KGSXaOFX2
I turn to nod in acknowledgement and to watch the door shut. . . reluctantly.copyright protection341ＰＥＮＡＮＡnAO5oLLZ1O
Year 2 Day 30copyright protection341ＰＥＮＡＮＡaLdc5XJmIF
Maybe she is being unfair. Maybe she is being selfish…Either way I never got a chance to explore the meanings behind those glazed over amber eyes. I wonder if she's truly still living, or if she is just still going through the motions, because that is what’s decided for her. Why hasn't she voiced her obscurities?copyright protection341ＰＥＮＡＮＡBPpiHnsv2q
Year 3 Day 265copyright protection341ＰＥＮＡＮＡyq1nvq8gpa
I drove up to the bottom of the stairs on the usual path she would have to cross from her childhood friends to her own apartment. I wait, leaning against the outside of my car. When her figure finally appears at the top of the stairs, accompanied by another, I am smoking my usual cigarette.copyright protection341ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4zViM1fvoY
Year 3 Day 275copyright protection341ＰＥＮＡＮＡb0OBiwZK21
Having caught my image in the corner of her eyes she stops abruptly in her track. She is facing me, but he is not. Having noticed her stop, her childhood friend starts to turn to follow her line of sight, only to be stopped as she pulls him into a kiss.copyright protection341ＰＥＮＡＮＡbAscXXC6d2
Year 3 Day 285copyright protection341ＰＥＮＡＮＡgiBcBodQUC
She’s more skillful in her craft than I remember. I couldn’t help but wonder if I was ever manipulated by her like that. I stop and chuckle, realizing we have long pass that. This relationship far surpasses manipulations and toyed emotions. Neither of us are ever so innocent.copyright protection341ＰＥＮＡＮＡP5CEHUaGFc
Year 3 Day 295copyright protection341ＰＥＮＡＮＡIQMa3K8FRm
I smoke and watch in silent indifference as she pulls him away, directing his gaze away from me. Our eyes never even directly met. I mean she has never once looked into my eyes for even a second. If the eyes are the windows to our soul then there’s no connection there. . .So I wonder why our lives are so interlocked?copyright protection341ＰＥＮＡＮＡH7EjkfHy6B
Year 3 Day 305copyright protection341ＰＥＮＡＮＡaWHNAoHL5n
Her figure disappears and reappears in a matter of a few long stretching moments. But once again, she stands before me, before my cigarette even reaches its end. She stood in silence as I finish the last few inhales. copyright protection341ＰＥＮＡＮＡXOdKYhv7Wm
Year 3 Day 315copyright protection341ＰＥＮＡＮＡtEu8XOoFnv
Having let out the last exhale of smoke, she watches as I drop the cigarette bud and crush it under my polished boots. She never looks up at me as I open the passenger door. She just stares straight ahead and I watched her slide in wordlessly. Not a single greeting or explanation. Just the same as we left it before.copyright protection341ＰＥＮＡＮＡgxrXk2m2Os
Year 3 Day 325copyright protection341ＰＥＮＡＮＡpLgDwfU1mR
The drive is more than dead silent. It is eerie.copyright protection341ＰＥＮＡＮＡoQvSYtHm84
Night 25 Year 3 Day 335copyright protection341ＰＥＮＡＮＡRoCjmXmJZa
The night is as passionate and intense as though the previous nights all just happened yesterday. Nothing changed. Not the way she arches under my fingertips. Not the way her moans escape her exasperated lips. Not even the way her skin clings to mine. Nor the way her body fits perfectly right up against mine.copyright protection341ＰＥＮＡＮＡcoVs2sIXu5
Night 26 Year 3 Day 345copyright protection341ＰＥＮＡＮＡOSVkLTNsgV
However, it is different from those long nights. She no longer had those tears streaking down her face. Instead I open the shower door to find her wearing my shirt, leaning against the balcony ledge. . . smoking my cigarettes. A sad smile creeps upon her face when she watches me emerge from the misting shower.copyright protection341ＰＥＮＡＮＡw8k9rH6Nq5
Night 27 Year 3 Day 355copyright protection341ＰＥＮＡＮＡYDuU6xmOuQ
She holds her hand up. The stone glistens brightly on her ring finger. Seems she found the triple set flawless diamond ring, with a brilliant flawless 2 carat diamond set in the center. Uncertain whose ring she is wearing, her amber eyes glistens under the city skyline.copyright protection341ＰＥＮＡＮＡTjJPDuJqWZ
Night 28 Year 3 Day 365copyright protection341ＰＥＮＡＮＡmt8GCzoJnP
Maybe we are being unfair. Maybe we are being selfish...She never asks. Neither do I. I just let her wear it.copyright protection341ＰＥＮＡＮＡOlsjfyQCml
Night 29 Year 3 Day 366copyright protection341ＰＥＮＡＮＡsgEb6hGPIC
Or Maybe it is the Leap year. She moves into the new, permanent, place. No more hotel rooms and reflecting windows. I am still constantly away on tour. But now, instead of an empty cigarette pack, she has her diamond ring, and I have my cherry cigarettes for the days I can’t stare into those amber eyes. copyright protection341ＰＥＮＡＮＡP46XLIx9rV
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