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The Crescent
Co-Writer Fenyx DelSol*
Idea Contributor Zoralth
Beta Reader sasha delphine
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  • G: General Audiences
  • PG: Parental Guidance Suggested
  • PG-13: Parents Strongly Cautioned
  • R: Restricted
2336 Reads

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The Crescent
Intro 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9
PART I - CHAPTER 1 - Blue Moon Bay
Fenyx DelSol
Jan 8, 2019
9 Mins Read
Comments ( 3 )

sasha delphine - Okay, so at first I thought some details about the setting could be left out, but as I read further I saw it was kind of important! Like how you incorporate the sayings - that was really cool! Another thing though, try not to subtlely explain details by either action or dialogue. A little explaining is okay, like it's important to explain who Arya is, but kind of like how I did through action, maybe you could incorporate that with her calling Wren or something like that. 

Also, I think your depiction of Victoria as kind of vulnerable in the beginning was kind of cool, to turn out that she's part of a much deeper scheme. Maybe to improve her character, just think about ways a real person in her situation would react. For me, I'd give her some sort of hidden temper, like someone that's always having to control their emotions for some unknown sake undetermined to the reader yet. From my pov, that's what I'd do, but it's ultimately Victoria's call! If you feel that she should be something, go for it! Like a lot of people say,let the character take control of their own life, don't try to predetermine or twist it in some unnatural way.

Lastly, I'm not sure what the tone is. Like is it dark? deep? happy? intense? Like you want to make it clear whether the characters are in danger to escalate tension. I'm not saying you should give away anything, it's quite the opposite. Explain less by explaining through the tone, not with words, but with word choice kind of... if that makes sense! 

Nevertheless, I think it's awesome! 

Btw how do I like your story?
4 weeks agoreply

Musesation - When I first read this, I thought Aria was a talking cat because of where Aria was mentioned in between the dialogue of Victoria calling Wren's name. But after I read it a second time, it felt as though Wren was basically in her own world, uninterrupted, even though Victoria was calling for her. I think that's what it was?
I found this sentence a bit vague: "It had been years since she had seen her body in this form." It's as though Victoria is referring to herself. 
I like how Wren just dances on, hearing an orchestra. There's something nice about her seeming to be carefree.
3 years agoreply

Fenyx DelSol - @Musesation Thank you so much for taking the time to comment.  I wanted to give Aria life beyond being a regular "cat rug" littered in a story.   My writing flow is different, ive noticed, than other writers.  Its just how the words come out of my head.  I wanted to stay vague in that Victoria thought.  I wanted, at that point, for readers to interpret for themselves what she meant.  The info will be revealed in a subsequent chapter.  Thank you again.
3 years agoreply