To make him notice me more, to make him come to like me and only me. Do you think I'm really selfish. I know I'm someone like that, I'm not kind, caring or independent. I'm that bitch that leaches on everyone else but for once, I want to improve and change that. I want to be an amazing admirable person. I want to be like him. I admire him. His name was Gaven. Even his name was one that I said the most, I love it.
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"Felicia, you know what, I think I'm going nuts. I was sitting on Gaven's chair!!! He had placed his butt on it before and I was touching it indirectly!! That place that he sits at most of the time and just how he feels sitting here!!!"
I shrieked excitedly, feeling real high. I was jumpy and needy, it was overwhelming.
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Felicia gave me that "u must be crazy" look and batted her eyes. "You're obsessed with Gaven." She gave a slight grin at me, "Why don't you show him who you are and how you feel."
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I blushed at the thought. Could I do something like that, it's embarrassing!! Why doesn't he notice it?! My heart skipped thinking of a time when he shouted my name. Mine. I think he doesn't even know what goes on in my head or my feelings. It doesn't surface at all. I don't even dare to meet his gaze nor smile at him. No one could see through my well hardened shell. A protection.
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"Maybe I shall.. Or not..." I mumbled slightly as I strolled down the path trailing the hill. There was no one else around, actually that was good. It has been a year since I met him and we haven't progressed much other then being plain classmates.
In fact, we hardly say a word to each other. I had shut myself away from most of the world, leaving myself with only one friend. Pretty much someone who indulges herself in the textbooks, the note, the homework and don't care about everything else. I can't get the words I want to say out of my mouth, it can't bare to leave.
Even interacting with normally girls was tough, especially those in my class. Having been shuttled out so often, I've build up a cage to lock myself up. Those people were scary, intimidation and unfriendly to most of the lot. I started to become cautious and have trust issues.
The carefree life that I withheld in my elementary school days had dissipated into the distant past. I remember I was a weird drama queen who had an endless pit of humor, anytime they had it, I'll say it. Time had past, I had faded, these parts of me still left bits and pieces in remnants.
Only a few moments had it brought itself back to the surface stuffing themselves back don't whenever they felt like. Will someone awaken it? Or will it be left to fade.
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I shook my head and plastered a smile on my face. "I know I can do this" it was sopposed to be said with force but it came out as a soft whimper. I wanted to become more confident and outspoken. The person who I had used to be.
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There was one girl that I was jealous of. She had long straight hair and a gorgeous pearl face with those big circles round black that touched both the bottom and top of her eyeballs. This gave her a very dollish effect with a slight patrician scent.
All this was not the end to her, she was simply perfect and I was like a small sand against a beautiful ocean. I get swayed away by the currents while not being noticed at all.
She was everything that I want to be with every capabilities that I did not possess. I want to. And I'll stop at nothing. Even though I had a strong resolve.. My mouth doesn't listen to me and I'm totally and utterly stoned faced.
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I didn't know what could be worse. She is a school councilor and those "admirable" student leaders whom only a few could take up.
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She was kind, gracious, courageous, confident, caring, talkative and she always listens to everyone, helping them anytime possible.
One moment she was providing information that others had missed, lending them stationary a when they forgot to bring theirs and another, she would teach someone to solve difficult questions of which they could not comprehend.
I don't know how much it would take for me to achieve that standard. I want to do that, from the bottom of my heart I wish. If only that was all it takes.
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"Fer.. I don't know what I should do anymore." I said, turning to her direction. It pained me much. Gaven seemed to be more drawn to her as the days passed by. It won't be long before I'll be totally over shadowed. I don't want that, never. But am I able to get him to like me? How?! I'm scared.
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"You just got to do what you want to do, after all, live is about following your instincts and going with your gut whenever you want." She replied putting her hand over my shoulder, walking alongside me. I don't know where she get her strange logic from but it does make sense to some extent.
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"The only problem is that I don't know what I want to do. " I whimpered, my eyes downcast and feeling disheartened.
Dapples of yellow tinted colour revealed itself on my hand. It was the sun blocked by a construction paper by the side that had triangle cutting on it to let a tad bit of light shine through. It was like me. A sun that had been blocked by blockages that end up casting a shadow rather then lightning.
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Felicia withdrew her hand and placed it on my back, patting it gently as she always does. She's my comfort pillow even though he has that clumsy and forgetful ways, she always made time for me, waited for me and ate with me when nobody else does.
Perhaps I should admit that she had given me a small pillar of support during the dark times. She remained steady and faithful even when I ditched her to go study harder. Her greatest trait is her forgiveness and her generosity. Those qualities of hers was most valued in my heart even though she was not someone outstanding or incredible. She was someone like me. I liked her a lot,
it's not that I wanted to take advantage of her accompany. It was personally agreed upon because we were the best of friends. I would say that she held a really close place in my heart even though she sometimes pisses me off bad for ordering me around to do things when she had no ability to accomplish the task. I remembered once that I had became her printer lady or even a stationary supplier, a lecturer, a teacher who failed at teaching, free notes for copying... I don't even know how much of a burden this was.
She was like a younger sister who just wanted to act like she's all smart and dominant in her thinking. I don't mean to rant, those are just parts and parcels of our relationship. Do I seem like a good friend?!
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" Lydia, you know what. I believe in you, there is always something that you want to do. Time will change the situations but even so, we have the right to craft out our future with hard work."
She smiled down at me and we stared at the scene of he cars stopping at the red green man.
It represents time, there was never a same pattern, a same order to the cars. It changed their arrangements, their myriad of colours as time passed. The cars moved forward pressing against the current. There were just passer-bys who wanted to cross the road slowing them down. We just have to let them pass before we go. If only life was this simple. It was how do we get going ?
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