"She denies it but the truth is she fell for him."
~~~~~
Since the first time I can remember, I had always felt a connection towards you. I couldn't even tell you the exact moment it happened but maybe I can explain why I fell for you.
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When we were kids, I can remember that you have always made me laugh and I guess that explains why now that I have an interest in people being funny. Although, I am definitely into looks but you never had any style and yet I still found you quite attractive - no offence. Also the way your brown eyes lit up when you made others laugh was inviting and I could never fully hold your gazes without feeling a certain way. You were the most inappropriate one out of the group, yet you were the most pleasant guy to be around. Even though all of these characteristics are charming, what I found most enticing was your smile. I can even picture you smiling now at this very moment.
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Moving around was the most difficult thing I had to deal with at such a young age. Going from place to place for a couple years and yet we still tried to keep in-touch with each other through Facebook messages. I never really got online a lot because of not having available internet services at some places. Although when I did go on, there would be messages from you. Right now I really miss receiving messages from you. We always seemed to argue about something small but we knew we were joking, almost like an elderly couple. Even though we lost connection during the past years, we still somehow ended up talking again and that made me feel lively. It was like that for awhile and now it has been months without us reconnecting and I have never felt so insufficient for you.
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Now with our new current standing out, I'm not excited for this years powwow season - if it happens - because that was where we met and talked in person. It was the only place I got to see you and we would smile, laugh and tell stories. The funny thing though was when either one of us saw the other, we would both act all bashful towards each other. Not wanting to be the one to walk up to the other first, I thought that was cute yet annoying because I usually made the first move. That made me feel superior and in charge of the actions. Although powwow season is coming up, I'm not sure how to feel and maybe this year I won't go.
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The one thing that bothers me the most here, is that I don't think I can get over you and I'm so pressed about it because it didn't seem that hard for you. I always talked good about you to others and I think I talked so much about you that they know you in my image. For some reason I thought you would be my first for almost everything, I even talked about it to my old friend about losing my virginity to you because I felt so connected. TMI I know but she told me to go for it and knew how much I cared for you to even speak about it to her. I never really pursued the idea though, we never really connected that way, even though I gave subtle hints. Alas it was never meant to be and look at me now, looking for love in the wrong ways and taking whatever comes my way. I wonder if it would've been different with you.
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The one thing I will forever remember, is the day you asked me out. Even though it was through a Facebook message, I was taken over with pure bliss. It was during 11th grade and I stayed at my aunties place in Fort Qu'Appelle, about a few hours away from you. We were just casually messaging each other when you wanted to ask me a question, I being already interested complied. I already knew what was coming but I doubted you would actually say it and yet you did. You had asked me out but I can't remember my answer. Funny huh? I've been waiting for what feels like an eternity to have you finally ask me the question and I can't recall what my answer was. I just knew that I was overcome with a sort of euphoric feeling and told everyone I was close with, about it. I will never forget that exhilarating feeling, I was so happy that day.
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I would like to think that I was pretty lucky, to have you as my best friend and my first love. Although we have never really fully experienced that type of close relationship, I believe we both - in some way - did mentally connect, even if it was for a little while. I know for sure that I will tell my future friends and kids - if I have any - about you because you are unforgettable. You were my first love and my best friend, and now I will respect what we are now. Sure it might hurt for awhile but the heart heals in time.
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Even if we're not close anymore, I will always be here for you and wish you the best. Please know that I will always love you E.
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Partly yours,
H.
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