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下班回家，淋浴。268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7pH8kPHWLR
268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ32MwjbQ4oJ
我站在花灑頭下享受熱水的溫度和洗頭水的香氣，目光卻分心瞄向鑲嵌牆身的全身鏡。268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoDKzgETvRO
268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡP3US96czBW
今天，同事開玩笑嘲說我滿身肥肉，我笑勸他別對四十歲的女人太苛刻。哄堂大笑。聽著歡聲笑語，我沒法再欺瞞自己——我的確十分介意！268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgV8NM9eQBJ
268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxrGjZYXoR2
鏡子慢慢被蒸氣罩上一片模糊，我窮目亦只見一團啡黃色的色塊。像油炸過度的麥樂雞雞塊，也像兒子俊仔所講的亞古獸。268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQ30dEpmJ8n
268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡskpaQYPsb2
「亞古獸……」我憶起俊仔給我展示過的亞古獸圖片，不由得傻笑起來：「要沾甜酸醬……」268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQpgDq0AUlo
268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxW1xeyaSaM
沐浴後，我和俊仔及阿美開始用餐。阿美是我妹。我跟前夫離婚後，阿美就搬來與我和俊仔同住，替我照顧俊仔。俊仔很喜歡阿美，會夾餸菜給她，但不會夾給我。我心裡不是滋味，但我不打算告訴他阿美就是前夫當年的外遇。268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZ9x3XdPJfq
268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdWewANMgCn
若問我為何可以如此大方，可以將破壞我婚姻的人留在身邊，照顧我的兒子，耳聞目睹兒子愛她甚於愛我？因為現實。現實是我需要工作賺錢，現實是阿美是我唯一可倚靠的人，現實是我沒有介意的本錢。268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYOPPd8deCv
268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhhgeBELYj7
飯後，俊仔做功課，阿美洗碗，我躲在浴室抽菸。叼著菸，我不自禁再次盯著全身鏡裡的自己——啡黃的膚色，方長的臉，矮肥的身材——像我爸，又像亞古獸。我驀地想起甜酸醬，然後想起阿美。人如其名，阿美的確長得美。她像媽，五官精緻，皮細肉嫩，玲瓏浮突。換著我是男人，我也會選擇阿美……268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUkAkH7S04K
268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3Zuv6pjMHS
恨不來。根本不知道該恨誰？恨阿美太漂亮，恨前夫好色，抑或恨自己像亞古獸？268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYrRCR4RR8f
268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡycoEGw8LN0
我笑了：我真的很像亞古獸。268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQxEff1rwfP
268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1dEBPQzKEm
啪——啪——268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJxEbJk2KLK
268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKLDKPND2Ml
「媽咪！我肚痛，要大便！」268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOKEfVELlAM
268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWrtj2yotBf
我匆匆將菸屁股丟入座廁，沖水。我離開浴室，看見俊仔早已肚痛得臉色發青，一股勁兒衝入浴室去。268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFlFncsvFE5
268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyUyprMR9BS
「媽咪！菸味很臭啊！」俊仔隔門抱怨。268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwyobJEavrv
268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2N1OzzixbZ
「你的大便也很臭呢！我老遠也嗅得到！」阿美代我反嘲。268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6HmKzs8nxZ
268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfMMjz45R5D
我望望阿美，苦笑，笑他們像極兩母子。阿美也對我報以微笑，但我不知道她到底是明白我的想法，或是純粹笑俊仔傻氣。268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhX7fzblTB5
268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡI9PPvx9EC4
算了吧。沒所謂。268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAfNmOnQUIB
268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEhEcqjwG9i
我和她閒聊幾句不著邊際的，然後回到睡房去。268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjPhmNw44mc
268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡchtSfAfeXu
該要睡，想要睡，卻偏偏沒能入睡。太多瑣事在心頭。同事、肥肉、麥樂雞、亞古獸、甜酸醬、俊仔、阿美、前夫、香菸、大便……香菸很臭，大便很臭……268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEzCoUgXIFr
268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCJyZRkhs7T
我傻傻笑了：很無聊，怎麼我滿腦子只有這些無聊的東西？268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPN0vGtAgjM
268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPBcTF89Iu0
不夠累嗎？我需要累得讓腦袋沒力氣去想這些無聊的。268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvTQDn98vqL
268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxEUE05a81z
我更衣換褲，套上波鞋，打算到附近的海濱長廊散步。268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8tMY7FzQRW
268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4pzNYrs9Su
「姐，買菸嗎？」阿美從俊仔的睡房探頭出來。這個時間，她正在為俊仔檢查功課。268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMT4zofMizJ
268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQvcZTwc4X9
「對……要買菸……」我撒謊——明明衫袋裡還有半包香菸。268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnAC4snwiBV
268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRXcNhCKNaz
「不如讓我去吧。你工作了一整天，需要好好休息。」阿美滿臉疑惑，似乎察覺到我的不對勁。268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhW9KJ3bDCf
268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPHnBwUK3mS
「不了……我自己去就可以……」我沒有回望她。268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCpZyaenklo
268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJeTbl9I9c2
「姐，我……」也許是基於內疚，阿美一直努力助我打理家頭細務，包括夜半買菸。268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQf4ZGlDGip
268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNiPkgQQLiv
「我說——不！」我加重語氣，拉長字音，滿腔怒火不言而喻。268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7FisBvzBpP
268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLk2eCqejBC
阿美呆了，霎時沒法應對。俊仔似乎聽到廳中的異樣，探頭察看。他望我的眼神帶有怒意，彷彿已判定我在欺負阿美……268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPS1RHX6mwx
268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4yw0kscMSS
我頭也不回開門離家。268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXcM9vzT9vr
268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJj2VUYp4jP
夏夜，海風濕重，翳侷悶人。岸有燈火，海浪微盪，從多個度折射著黃光白光，閃閃爍爍。我的目光縱然停留在海面，卻無法捕捉任何一抹波光。我邊行邊放空，越放空越見混亂。268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnWj38Vgqa3
268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ71q6DBFlA4
我憑欄抽菸，抽得很兇，不欲再理會臭味或是甚麼其他的。268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9mwWwwLyQl
268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡitjYZvZsAs
這是專屬於我的寧靜。我要好好享受它……268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡibVxG3rJnc
268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvZXnCADMqG
最後一根菸殆盡，指隙間突然空虛無限。268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡN75OBJcoNP
268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaix2frhOfz
我不捨就此回家，奈何忘記帶銀包，無法買菸。268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYHfKAB4TDZ
268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡR1KoinPyhp
「要菸？」一根香菸驀地從左邊伸至我面前。是前夫。聽聞他跟我離婚後經歴幾次搬遷，不過兜兜轉轉還是在同一地區。這地區說不上大，也算不上細小，但要在街頭偶遇是有一定難度。268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHollugXaWz
268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbfftKorXuj
因著這次稀罕難得的偶遇，我決定接過香菸。正要掏出打火機時，他又識趣地主動為我點菸。268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5TGW6aanMd
268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlJrbfd09Td
「怎麼了？突然那麼體貼？」268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSFD4fs4fit
268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcbKnfc2JSY
「你不開心？」268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡo0guW9g6CS
268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGOnhw2R3H8
「是的。但與你無關。」268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgHlUJ4M7EA
268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdswNBgEm5d
面對帶刺的話，前夫沒趣地倚欄遠佻對岸，默默待我享用完整根香菸。268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡo7eEJcGEQp
268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1QbdbQuR0V
「還有菸嗎？」268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡE8TUiHIyoz
268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9bNLv456tE
「有。」268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHdDQ7T4yul
268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyTXAkMNt07
前夫再次遞菸、點菸，但他沒有繼續保持沉默。268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzBFHkBbYNk
268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBMENQyZDYN
「俊仔還好嗎？」268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUlBnJf1jWM
268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡN9ZZsgkMux
「與你無關。」268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3NYdxpVGnu
268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtfua5Z3U4b
「即使我跟你離婚了，我依然是俊仔的爸。」268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvV3qxaISWX
268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQNLgJrGQd9
我幽幽一笑。268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡN6CYCPeB65
268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡea6FGdU9HD
「俊仔的爸啊！俊仔希望在接下來的暑假參加交流團，但我騰不出費用。」268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfGYmrFHbVc
268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgJUkxR0seY
「多少？我付！」268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTwnlMIuQuy
268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgxBZsAHQc1
「五萬七千五百元。」268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1t8Y87Iw7e
268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDoUTZ8Bcwv
「好！沒問題！小意思！」268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZyDtKxrOfp
268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡH5Qh2PqazL
在毫無心理準備下被戳中痛處，我的眼淚一下子𣽽了出來，再也止不住。268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡALKcqyOTcc
268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTZ6sPjlkfS
「怎麼……我的天大難題……對你……只是小意思……」268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZxri6XxqXr
268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKb5QZ0NdTg
「別傻、別傻！我順口講講而已……那筆錢對我而言絕不是小意思……但也說不上『天大』難題……」268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCicO7MxQtM
268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdCm0RtPZhJ
「為何……做錯的是你們……受苦的人……卻是我……」268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJjk6OGu1qj
268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡO5WmDarRxo
「阿顧，對不起。」268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfWI4mWG7Ou
268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡftYKJD394F
「道歉有屁用！」268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGcTY9YPDmj
268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxdFJ3ANffs
「既然你認為道歉無用，那我就送你一個承諾——日後你遇上甚麼麻煩，也請找我幫忙，我會盡力幫助你。」268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLIjTtmMpHV
268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvSATEWpXuF
雖然沒能繼續以夫妻之名一起生活下去，但我相信他：我清楚他的脾性，他真的會竭盡所能兌現承諾。當下問題是我能否接受、是否介意……不，該說是我有沒有拒絕和介意的本錢。268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ02OyzZpD6O
268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡI1xiSGMKUD
如果我不是急需用錢，我早已彈指將菸屁股射向前夫的臉；如果我不是需要有人幫忙照顧俊仔，我早已將阿美趕出家門；如果我不是知道為人母親之責任，我多麼想就此棄下俊仔，展開更自由自在的新生活！268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2CN63pWGAw
268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtG2VqBnUlb
可惜，世界從沒如果，只有因果。既然我誕下了俊仔，我就要必須對他負責——為了他，我不得不向現實低頭。268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ08dGeaGrPM
268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdqeorbZUsU
「你為俊仔籌謀那筆款項吧。我實在沒有辦法。」我心不甘情不願，卻沒奈何。268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDd2DlJ4Z0m
268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQQsHVDxJEU
「好！等我好消息！」前夫笑得很燦爛，似是找到贖罪的方法，以後不需背負罵名。268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiRBUmaB8Tr
268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWsMQw0vEdr
我跟前夫揮手道別，然後慢步回家。268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqQynAdqJq7
268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnSyPeHDweK
嗯……怎麼形容呢？平靜如水，所有情緒消散無蹤。沒有比剛才更難過，因為悉才低頭一剎已是頂峯。此刻腦袋裡再次塞滿無聊東西，甚或是比之前更無聊的。童年時與鄰座同學爭吵的片段、結婚前跟老媽到寶蓮寺拜大佛時的長長石級、兼職時拾到一個十元硬幣……細細碎碎的，散亂零落的。268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡI84D4L9ZSJ
268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUnupdwnQq4
忽爾完全失去抽菸的欲望。解釋不了，亦不需解釋，反正是個很不錯的改變。如果我沒有沾上抽菸惡習，也許省下來的錢足夠俊仔參加幾次交流團，自己亦不需向前夫求助……268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbvq0Bg9zkj
268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYXMNU0neSc
我淪落至此，自己或多或少該要負上些許責任吧……268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhssUukE105
268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUs704HTC54
既然是自己的錯、自己的選擇，也就是活該，也就沒甚麼好抱怨……268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXBZQnb7yJl
268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkcZbQVp7zF
我活該……我活該……我活該……268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZv7CgqWVej
268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFlUyTJANvT
我如此催眠自己。268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡo0i4eyCMaH
註：此篇另收錄於短篇小說集《雜念集》。如有違規，煩請創挑主通知，願刪文配合。
ns216.73.216.176da2
