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下班回家，淋浴。217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBmLGe1Eq9D
217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwlgD43fQwQ
我站在花灑頭下享受熱水的溫度和洗頭水的香氣，目光卻分心瞄向鑲嵌牆身的全身鏡。217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCI0MZPYuRr
217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMRhqlokFi2
今天，同事開玩笑嘲說我滿身肥肉，我笑勸他別對四十歲的女人太苛刻。哄堂大笑。聽著歡聲笑語，我沒法再欺瞞自己——我的確十分介意！217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtzjP9mWoAG
217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlkzXusoYcF
鏡子慢慢被蒸氣罩上一片模糊，我窮目亦只見一團啡黃色的色塊。像油炸過度的麥樂雞雞塊，也像兒子俊仔所講的亞古獸。217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbn8zrI315F
217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXa7D3rduLZ
「亞古獸……」我憶起俊仔給我展示過的亞古獸圖片，不由得傻笑起來：「要沾甜酸醬……」217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡriJFMYUUAw
217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQjWzPIUsIt
沐浴後，我和俊仔及阿美開始用餐。阿美是我妹。我跟前夫離婚後，阿美就搬來與我和俊仔同住，替我照顧俊仔。俊仔很喜歡阿美，會夾餸菜給她，但不會夾給我。我心裡不是滋味，但我不打算告訴他阿美就是前夫當年的外遇。217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIIWXqr7cPt
217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡI8XH409x4j
若問我為何可以如此大方，可以將破壞我婚姻的人留在身邊，照顧我的兒子，耳聞目睹兒子愛她甚於愛我？因為現實。現實是我需要工作賺錢，現實是阿美是我唯一可倚靠的人，現實是我沒有介意的本錢。217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCmOdhZl7Me
217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBoLkHue2di
飯後，俊仔做功課，阿美洗碗，我躲在浴室抽菸。叼著菸，我不自禁再次盯著全身鏡裡的自己——啡黃的膚色，方長的臉，矮肥的身材——像我爸，又像亞古獸。我驀地想起甜酸醬，然後想起阿美。人如其名，阿美的確長得美。她像媽，五官精緻，皮細肉嫩，玲瓏浮突。換著我是男人，我也會選擇阿美……217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYymGmsBkHa
217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaLi0PPEJDL
恨不來。根本不知道該恨誰？恨阿美太漂亮，恨前夫好色，抑或恨自己像亞古獸？217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOl4x5RO9BR
217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAD8rZK1yps
我笑了：我真的很像亞古獸。217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQRVSxUFB9g
217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnpIKcwVcsz
啪——啪——217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmcsBFi8HIH
217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0JzkKh69HO
「媽咪！我肚痛，要大便！」217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡocuH2TFS96
217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaEc3LIt1eH
我匆匆將菸屁股丟入座廁，沖水。我離開浴室，看見俊仔早已肚痛得臉色發青，一股勁兒衝入浴室去。217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1Amr883EIY
217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnBt42HHw8w
「媽咪！菸味很臭啊！」俊仔隔門抱怨。217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡA2TyUQEmrD
217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjqg7bHc218
「你的大便也很臭呢！我老遠也嗅得到！」阿美代我反嘲。217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsbMPG43xru
217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6cZ8ryaUxp
我望望阿美，苦笑，笑他們像極兩母子。阿美也對我報以微笑，但我不知道她到底是明白我的想法，或是純粹笑俊仔傻氣。217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcGvwoLbXRq
217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZSIXqnH5iD
算了吧。沒所謂。217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡETh9G75Rb2
217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwy2x6MKUdc
我和她閒聊幾句不著邊際的，然後回到睡房去。217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZmPdmaJ8NS
217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQT9m9b4l5A
該要睡，想要睡，卻偏偏沒能入睡。太多瑣事在心頭。同事、肥肉、麥樂雞、亞古獸、甜酸醬、俊仔、阿美、前夫、香菸、大便……香菸很臭，大便很臭……217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡapii0BFqEX
217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsG36XDFMRH
我傻傻笑了：很無聊，怎麼我滿腦子只有這些無聊的東西？217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgKbTzM2Qx6
217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiQXmfJTJh5
不夠累嗎？我需要累得讓腦袋沒力氣去想這些無聊的。217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPt3O3RkYJf
217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXOlNLUiIAR
我更衣換褲，套上波鞋，打算到附近的海濱長廊散步。217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCHr5mHJjwG
217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaXS9zpw3xa
「姐，買菸嗎？」阿美從俊仔的睡房探頭出來。這個時間，她正在為俊仔檢查功課。217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡD8nhqwIHJg
217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡseZI2q3IPc
「對……要買菸……」我撒謊——明明衫袋裡還有半包香菸。217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3Z4i1XMy0g
217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0JJG9NXmOo
「不如讓我去吧。你工作了一整天，需要好好休息。」阿美滿臉疑惑，似乎察覺到我的不對勁。217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7sO5dWWCJi
217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBJe7D704pO
「不了……我自己去就可以……」我沒有回望她。217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlpr4Iwmb30
217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5lgnQ8e0O5
「姐，我……」也許是基於內疚，阿美一直努力助我打理家頭細務，包括夜半買菸。217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmumyKfa0kV
217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvZnL4inBro
「我說——不！」我加重語氣，拉長字音，滿腔怒火不言而喻。217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkm5li7Sm79
217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQow3xZAMjn
阿美呆了，霎時沒法應對。俊仔似乎聽到廳中的異樣，探頭察看。他望我的眼神帶有怒意，彷彿已判定我在欺負阿美……217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoLxBLHgjul
217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcR4b6zQ5i3
我頭也不回開門離家。217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0FE0bkbjt5
217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1yDGWhSAtd
夏夜，海風濕重，翳侷悶人。岸有燈火，海浪微盪，從多個度折射著黃光白光，閃閃爍爍。我的目光縱然停留在海面，卻無法捕捉任何一抹波光。我邊行邊放空，越放空越見混亂。217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpUTWyPtysA
217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2tZxsALKaI
我憑欄抽菸，抽得很兇，不欲再理會臭味或是甚麼其他的。217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbXeL8iNS77
217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwimX3o7UNe
這是專屬於我的寧靜。我要好好享受它……217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGrpbGdTzWM
217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrlkg5mIq8f
最後一根菸殆盡，指隙間突然空虛無限。217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnoukXtOBOt
217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfS7oJD62WG
我不捨就此回家，奈何忘記帶銀包，無法買菸。217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡF5zKu73ch2
217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡd3aIiLOANr
「要菸？」一根香菸驀地從左邊伸至我面前。是前夫。聽聞他跟我離婚後經歴幾次搬遷，不過兜兜轉轉還是在同一地區。這地區說不上大，也算不上細小，但要在街頭偶遇是有一定難度。217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡE4zD3BQZoH
217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5yM6TsDlie
因著這次稀罕難得的偶遇，我決定接過香菸。正要掏出打火機時，他又識趣地主動為我點菸。217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJb2r3Z8d5c
217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHftjOxBh1O
「怎麼了？突然那麼體貼？」217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBcZjs3mqYC
217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMxSlST6Vdi
「你不開心？」217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡx3igZUTh8o
217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmhWAhDQqtb
「是的。但與你無關。」217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdIh0E6Rc3y
217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5VvQUe7Qcw
面對帶刺的話，前夫沒趣地倚欄遠佻對岸，默默待我享用完整根香菸。217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCdycqfJN5k
217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXffjIwAMOU
「還有菸嗎？」217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuzjBFXL2Cw
217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKN5gVmmnXd
「有。」217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡo5T1B3jyCH
217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsxwRsWMR4Q
前夫再次遞菸、點菸，但他沒有繼續保持沉默。217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡacLokE66Va
217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlClmKFNrdU
「俊仔還好嗎？」217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTBl3ThqEhV
217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPoSHVAIUtD
「與你無關。」217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHS7ICdW5fs
217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOywe7P1aJ4
「即使我跟你離婚了，我依然是俊仔的爸。」217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡB1SFtqXmoZ
217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPkzjG6RY9s
我幽幽一笑。217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqFZq2hGpbk
217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHtIdvYaoTV
「俊仔的爸啊！俊仔希望在接下來的暑假參加交流團，但我騰不出費用。」217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5MYJn2dvVh
217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYODj6QB45F
「多少？我付！」217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyTRqOf2xHz
217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFzahCksbxq
「五萬七千五百元。」217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4834p3LQwz
217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLjcDDiIHVA
「好！沒問題！小意思！」217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ28sWhSwB39
217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrohmcx2jYI
在毫無心理準備下被戳中痛處，我的眼淚一下子𣽽了出來，再也止不住。217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡumtJuVMI3J
217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2u6jSh6Osj
「怎麼……我的天大難題……對你……只是小意思……」217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLs8A1JMvJI
217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1Xv5nS1h05
「別傻、別傻！我順口講講而已……那筆錢對我而言絕不是小意思……但也說不上『天大』難題……」217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSLBXjvf7jP
217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡO3mw2iK6tG
「為何……做錯的是你們……受苦的人……卻是我……」217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZeIduBP4dy
217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdqRckhFeyH
「阿顧，對不起。」217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkE6muGeQpN
217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZQsZejSe4D
「道歉有屁用！」217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaOYhUhAxxZ
217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTW41oLDjWf
「既然你認為道歉無用，那我就送你一個承諾——日後你遇上甚麼麻煩，也請找我幫忙，我會盡力幫助你。」217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSRpTFAW0Bk
217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfrtPI18pGD
雖然沒能繼續以夫妻之名一起生活下去，但我相信他：我清楚他的脾性，他真的會竭盡所能兌現承諾。當下問題是我能否接受、是否介意……不，該說是我有沒有拒絕和介意的本錢。217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYfXjOF8gmh
217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUDeczNWmlu
如果我不是急需用錢，我早已彈指將菸屁股射向前夫的臉；如果我不是需要有人幫忙照顧俊仔，我早已將阿美趕出家門；如果我不是知道為人母親之責任，我多麼想就此棄下俊仔，展開更自由自在的新生活！217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡS3uLMTDKFN
217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡv2tEHiZ6so
可惜，世界從沒如果，只有因果。既然我誕下了俊仔，我就要必須對他負責——為了他，我不得不向現實低頭。217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmCDsAO8emX
217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡC2UPpafJXw
「你為俊仔籌謀那筆款項吧。我實在沒有辦法。」我心不甘情不願，卻沒奈何。217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡi024IVC0dh
217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1hxTBeIAzx
「好！等我好消息！」前夫笑得很燦爛，似是找到贖罪的方法，以後不需背負罵名。217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡf9xfRksd1M
217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdKms1X6eOd
我跟前夫揮手道別，然後慢步回家。217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡP6UminOD7e
217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ98K3icNiGs
嗯……怎麼形容呢？平靜如水，所有情緒消散無蹤。沒有比剛才更難過，因為悉才低頭一剎已是頂峯。此刻腦袋裡再次塞滿無聊東西，甚或是比之前更無聊的。童年時與鄰座同學爭吵的片段、結婚前跟老媽到寶蓮寺拜大佛時的長長石級、兼職時拾到一個十元硬幣……細細碎碎的，散亂零落的。217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeJISHk2oPE
217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7cSWsXwy8V
忽爾完全失去抽菸的欲望。解釋不了，亦不需解釋，反正是個很不錯的改變。如果我沒有沾上抽菸惡習，也許省下來的錢足夠俊仔參加幾次交流團，自己亦不需向前夫求助……217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZxR0LRD1HA
217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrPhrSwSR6l
我淪落至此，自己或多或少該要負上些許責任吧……217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPWlZrE2r70
217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6Kxw1LbUBV
既然是自己的錯、自己的選擇，也就是活該，也就沒甚麼好抱怨……217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9aYQjAZzbO
217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmYRyukUV7J
我活該……我活該……我活該……217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEcoQaH8pj4
217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1szBbWR25E
我如此催眠自己。217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsi92rECYjR
註：此篇另收錄於短篇小說集《雜念集》。如有違規，煩請創挑主通知，願刪文配合。
ns18.218.96.239da2
