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下班回家，淋浴。275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVkID2WMel5
275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsZhZl2cVil
我站在花灑頭下享受熱水的溫度和洗頭水的香氣，目光卻分心瞄向鑲嵌牆身的全身鏡。275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoPCshW5NEy
275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkMZVxA0kir
今天，同事開玩笑嘲說我滿身肥肉，我笑勸他別對四十歲的女人太苛刻。哄堂大笑。聽著歡聲笑語，我沒法再欺瞞自己——我的確十分介意！275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpDJlssVky7
275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1B4KSq9vwo
鏡子慢慢被蒸氣罩上一片模糊，我窮目亦只見一團啡黃色的色塊。像油炸過度的麥樂雞雞塊，也像兒子俊仔所講的亞古獸。275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVsuxQCGaPP
275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEoZMZLTufk
「亞古獸……」我憶起俊仔給我展示過的亞古獸圖片，不由得傻笑起來：「要沾甜酸醬……」275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWfT7E0yhd0
275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDVWuqfp6zJ
沐浴後，我和俊仔及阿美開始用餐。阿美是我妹。我跟前夫離婚後，阿美就搬來與我和俊仔同住，替我照顧俊仔。俊仔很喜歡阿美，會夾餸菜給她，但不會夾給我。我心裡不是滋味，但我不打算告訴他阿美就是前夫當年的外遇。275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcTbwNeyKjA
275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8BSLZrA26b
若問我為何可以如此大方，可以將破壞我婚姻的人留在身邊，照顧我的兒子，耳聞目睹兒子愛她甚於愛我？因為現實。現實是我需要工作賺錢，現實是阿美是我唯一可倚靠的人，現實是我沒有介意的本錢。275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGGm5xRkT3e
275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7a2Xx0epy8
飯後，俊仔做功課，阿美洗碗，我躲在浴室抽菸。叼著菸，我不自禁再次盯著全身鏡裡的自己——啡黃的膚色，方長的臉，矮肥的身材——像我爸，又像亞古獸。我驀地想起甜酸醬，然後想起阿美。人如其名，阿美的確長得美。她像媽，五官精緻，皮細肉嫩，玲瓏浮突。換著我是男人，我也會選擇阿美……275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡETPC78ijUl
275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNUWseyheEA
恨不來。根本不知道該恨誰？恨阿美太漂亮，恨前夫好色，抑或恨自己像亞古獸？275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlYR4E1ZkWm
275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡF9YgCYhLiw
我笑了：我真的很像亞古獸。275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSs8mgqI71K
275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXyzsnQVVrc
啪——啪——275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡU8p5qD6eyN
275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYWwq1i91iZ
「媽咪！我肚痛，要大便！」275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1WmAABCnN8
275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡN5y31gz1i3
我匆匆將菸屁股丟入座廁，沖水。我離開浴室，看見俊仔早已肚痛得臉色發青，一股勁兒衝入浴室去。275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgCciAmPelM
275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqa7XyzkM00
「媽咪！菸味很臭啊！」俊仔隔門抱怨。275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaWxijlr6nt
275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8a3SzRmwF6
「你的大便也很臭呢！我老遠也嗅得到！」阿美代我反嘲。275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡf0KSKyvLeU
275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRegaVwsGdt
我望望阿美，苦笑，笑他們像極兩母子。阿美也對我報以微笑，但我不知道她到底是明白我的想法，或是純粹笑俊仔傻氣。275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOsvBwoivep
275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAVfP6t6bk6
算了吧。沒所謂。275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡB0H7yJuffY
275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeJyRTATlau
我和她閒聊幾句不著邊際的，然後回到睡房去。275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqEckOqMYgC
275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvApVnmxp5o
該要睡，想要睡，卻偏偏沒能入睡。太多瑣事在心頭。同事、肥肉、麥樂雞、亞古獸、甜酸醬、俊仔、阿美、前夫、香菸、大便……香菸很臭，大便很臭……275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuEX4c2x2pX
275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbOA2Ac28Bx
我傻傻笑了：很無聊，怎麼我滿腦子只有這些無聊的東西？275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlREOs3NSXH
275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1QcQ7frmYi
不夠累嗎？我需要累得讓腦袋沒力氣去想這些無聊的。275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFugrF4t3h7
275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6U5wy4Wwua
我更衣換褲，套上波鞋，打算到附近的海濱長廊散步。275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXpHBoDPwuG
275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXNU1vkVFmm
「姐，買菸嗎？」阿美從俊仔的睡房探頭出來。這個時間，她正在為俊仔檢查功課。275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡncRxSmnh2b
275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtmh3VtBHCn
「對……要買菸……」我撒謊——明明衫袋裡還有半包香菸。275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNHC1bPh1hB
275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡX9e6gnnJNP
「不如讓我去吧。你工作了一整天，需要好好休息。」阿美滿臉疑惑，似乎察覺到我的不對勁。275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡF7zkBqb3tw
275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYC3oyRnfoc
「不了……我自己去就可以……」我沒有回望她。275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡf7M8bz5lSf
275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7hn30ukEJ6
「姐，我……」也許是基於內疚，阿美一直努力助我打理家頭細務，包括夜半買菸。275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSQLvc9UE0W
275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡK4yRh5Ty3k
「我說——不！」我加重語氣，拉長字音，滿腔怒火不言而喻。275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkHy1UTkGi1
275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWp4uKQRc4h
阿美呆了，霎時沒法應對。俊仔似乎聽到廳中的異樣，探頭察看。他望我的眼神帶有怒意，彷彿已判定我在欺負阿美……275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJ89dnDNOGc
275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyH8c1pRs6J
我頭也不回開門離家。275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡi0zCkfNEpe
275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJbRqaefE9c
夏夜，海風濕重，翳侷悶人。岸有燈火，海浪微盪，從多個度折射著黃光白光，閃閃爍爍。我的目光縱然停留在海面，卻無法捕捉任何一抹波光。我邊行邊放空，越放空越見混亂。275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgUvFKLrN2b
275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmyjs6gasst
我憑欄抽菸，抽得很兇，不欲再理會臭味或是甚麼其他的。275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMGNSUrSDaZ
275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmocRLU2DHU
這是專屬於我的寧靜。我要好好享受它……275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡItSDL9c4vg
275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7kXw0YvqqU
最後一根菸殆盡，指隙間突然空虛無限。275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡE5GE7prYfc
275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLqVzbnZC77
我不捨就此回家，奈何忘記帶銀包，無法買菸。275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhoOqQ41q94
275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3FHCq7aa1u
「要菸？」一根香菸驀地從左邊伸至我面前。是前夫。聽聞他跟我離婚後經歴幾次搬遷，不過兜兜轉轉還是在同一地區。這地區說不上大，也算不上細小，但要在街頭偶遇是有一定難度。275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnYa0Csb017
275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaKQwKuihLH
因著這次稀罕難得的偶遇，我決定接過香菸。正要掏出打火機時，他又識趣地主動為我點菸。275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡp6PwQmxLsg
275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqFhSkCb4y0
「怎麼了？突然那麼體貼？」275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡogM3nllmRs
275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnhBWTgCbi0
「你不開心？」275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1n9ZWkEwoc
275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDZj2CyeXnS
「是的。但與你無關。」275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡp3gpx1lnTM
275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFkeuZ8emAQ
面對帶刺的話，前夫沒趣地倚欄遠佻對岸，默默待我享用完整根香菸。275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡH3wfKxkU8E
275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRvObKyeWVD
「還有菸嗎？」275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjCU6pm9ckW
275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjK0NVMklzB
「有。」275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEDpNG4xDTx
275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUrZnvXiA8Z
前夫再次遞菸、點菸，但他沒有繼續保持沉默。275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDQ2yooM2B8
275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5e1z5uD3qi
「俊仔還好嗎？」275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7KOmKjYdeI
275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmWF5eU4bVf
「與你無關。」275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmNeZv2QHgf
275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7QZqdQ1J1W
「即使我跟你離婚了，我依然是俊仔的爸。」275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxUc9IGU4x8
275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwfXvMZOmyD
我幽幽一笑。275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJmtoG7F0q5
275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ89S9hQpQJM
「俊仔的爸啊！俊仔希望在接下來的暑假參加交流團，但我騰不出費用。」275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡulLTlkpo7k
275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoW0sA3oMel
「多少？我付！」275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ79FArRl8t4
275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtr4AjrDkrP
「五萬七千五百元。」275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqOj3jKuqUu
275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGhdDmhpMXY
「好！沒問題！小意思！」275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxaS48bWjSx
275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡliC0bElALF
在毫無心理準備下被戳中痛處，我的眼淚一下子𣽽了出來，再也止不住。275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKptVIlmsoF
275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzngYa0wSMF
「怎麼……我的天大難題……對你……只是小意思……」275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgaTWozwAlF
275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyNiEV9k79T
「別傻、別傻！我順口講講而已……那筆錢對我而言絕不是小意思……但也說不上『天大』難題……」275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBwwH0zWdhb
275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6Pwf6pe9Bd
「為何……做錯的是你們……受苦的人……卻是我……」275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡK1K1FwfUM0
275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ91rDjotPwF
「阿顧，對不起。」275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRrjNHUWB1U
275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡygfrbaXkph
「道歉有屁用！」275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡb0xEulkeUG
275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYrBbSqJ6hj
「既然你認為道歉無用，那我就送你一個承諾——日後你遇上甚麼麻煩，也請找我幫忙，我會盡力幫助你。」275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyM8p670NGh
275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZVjSyp3i6j
雖然沒能繼續以夫妻之名一起生活下去，但我相信他：我清楚他的脾性，他真的會竭盡所能兌現承諾。當下問題是我能否接受、是否介意……不，該說是我有沒有拒絕和介意的本錢。275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡckvqnJatGW
275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFZnCqdDCVA
如果我不是急需用錢，我早已彈指將菸屁股射向前夫的臉；如果我不是需要有人幫忙照顧俊仔，我早已將阿美趕出家門；如果我不是知道為人母親之責任，我多麼想就此棄下俊仔，展開更自由自在的新生活！275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡz6VMC8jWS5
275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjGWvFEv1ZT
可惜，世界從沒如果，只有因果。既然我誕下了俊仔，我就要必須對他負責——為了他，我不得不向現實低頭。275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡREf9zFUYXj
275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoWHegusGPW
「你為俊仔籌謀那筆款項吧。我實在沒有辦法。」我心不甘情不願，卻沒奈何。275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmC4UXv5OzQ
275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2ewPyeBjtP
「好！等我好消息！」前夫笑得很燦爛，似是找到贖罪的方法，以後不需背負罵名。275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡf9ZmCWqis8
275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqnv4GTWtOj
我跟前夫揮手道別，然後慢步回家。275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVVUkH4tGov
275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeaUXeVbeOD
嗯……怎麼形容呢？平靜如水，所有情緒消散無蹤。沒有比剛才更難過，因為悉才低頭一剎已是頂峯。此刻腦袋裡再次塞滿無聊東西，甚或是比之前更無聊的。童年時與鄰座同學爭吵的片段、結婚前跟老媽到寶蓮寺拜大佛時的長長石級、兼職時拾到一個十元硬幣……細細碎碎的，散亂零落的。275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtWedJGPSyR
275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYX7zqXMZ73
忽爾完全失去抽菸的欲望。解釋不了，亦不需解釋，反正是個很不錯的改變。如果我沒有沾上抽菸惡習，也許省下來的錢足夠俊仔參加幾次交流團，自己亦不需向前夫求助……275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlYMaiWBVoP
275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMNd8cjSCL5
我淪落至此，自己或多或少該要負上些許責任吧……275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFke9NGkU3r
275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYxIi56Hc6U
既然是自己的錯、自己的選擇，也就是活該，也就沒甚麼好抱怨……275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ96AyztKMBv
275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOq6mKzQ7PB
我活該……我活該……我活該……275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkS1N36ajNF
275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡd2qmkaRaNK
我如此催眠自己。275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkPQ6cqqsBg
註：此篇另收錄於短篇小說集《雜念集》。如有違規，煩請創挑主通知，願刪文配合。
ns216.73.216.176da2
