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下班回家，淋浴。225Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsUVR0yVBwG
225Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡC6uZQ2TroK
我站在花灑頭下享受熱水的溫度和洗頭水的香氣，目光卻分心瞄向鑲嵌牆身的全身鏡。225Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhvB5Tl28lg
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今天，同事開玩笑嘲說我滿身肥肉，我笑勸他別對四十歲的女人太苛刻。哄堂大笑。聽著歡聲笑語，我沒法再欺瞞自己——我的確十分介意！225Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡF0iEFsd7I0
225Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRV0BhtPgav
鏡子慢慢被蒸氣罩上一片模糊，我窮目亦只見一團啡黃色的色塊。像油炸過度的麥樂雞雞塊，也像兒子俊仔所講的亞古獸。225Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ92Y5qkqIJx
225Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtWnJEg69rr
「亞古獸……」我憶起俊仔給我展示過的亞古獸圖片，不由得傻笑起來：「要沾甜酸醬……」225Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡngS21hljhO
225Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8wM44zqjcz
沐浴後，我和俊仔及阿美開始用餐。阿美是我妹。我跟前夫離婚後，阿美就搬來與我和俊仔同住，替我照顧俊仔。俊仔很喜歡阿美，會夾餸菜給她，但不會夾給我。我心裡不是滋味，但我不打算告訴他阿美就是前夫當年的外遇。225Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjTlGGm1Fcb
225Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡd2OlqVS2ui
若問我為何可以如此大方，可以將破壞我婚姻的人留在身邊，照顧我的兒子，耳聞目睹兒子愛她甚於愛我？因為現實。現實是我需要工作賺錢，現實是阿美是我唯一可倚靠的人，現實是我沒有介意的本錢。225Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡszPRwN9awa
225Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkp6pM1Ku2H
飯後，俊仔做功課，阿美洗碗，我躲在浴室抽菸。叼著菸，我不自禁再次盯著全身鏡裡的自己——啡黃的膚色，方長的臉，矮肥的身材——像我爸，又像亞古獸。我驀地想起甜酸醬，然後想起阿美。人如其名，阿美的確長得美。她像媽，五官精緻，皮細肉嫩，玲瓏浮突。換著我是男人，我也會選擇阿美……225Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtxFUj5dqzB
225Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzjPz7APab6
恨不來。根本不知道該恨誰？恨阿美太漂亮，恨前夫好色，抑或恨自己像亞古獸？225Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7CaMphMWho
225Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQH655K7mco
我笑了：我真的很像亞古獸。225Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3ruUWQzQwB
225Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgUV17bdTHR
啪——啪——225Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡI1XfuJ9G6u
225Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsYVnDtnuny
「媽咪！我肚痛，要大便！」225Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7y98MSD74k
225Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWNhu5bVZ8V
我匆匆將菸屁股丟入座廁，沖水。我離開浴室，看見俊仔早已肚痛得臉色發青，一股勁兒衝入浴室去。225Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡT6hpIUi0iO
225Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡh1fj14rtK6
「媽咪！菸味很臭啊！」俊仔隔門抱怨。225Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRYUNVHHRIH
225Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtIbotS7e0C
「你的大便也很臭呢！我老遠也嗅得到！」阿美代我反嘲。225Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpzbvOGBmwY
225Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡReUEL0GKpV
我望望阿美，苦笑，笑他們像極兩母子。阿美也對我報以微笑，但我不知道她到底是明白我的想法，或是純粹笑俊仔傻氣。225Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZj3IyWexxu
225Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkpKgwUhmrx
算了吧。沒所謂。225Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ87Vy8ZYb1s
225Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrtwELHTqzk
我和她閒聊幾句不著邊際的，然後回到睡房去。225Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsw7NQKrdlQ
225Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtn0yKU876g
該要睡，想要睡，卻偏偏沒能入睡。太多瑣事在心頭。同事、肥肉、麥樂雞、亞古獸、甜酸醬、俊仔、阿美、前夫、香菸、大便……香菸很臭，大便很臭……225Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9i4tqq4RuJ
225Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡq5shb9nKc1
我傻傻笑了：很無聊，怎麼我滿腦子只有這些無聊的東西？225Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIKfYPoriy0
225Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡezxVURKdpa
不夠累嗎？我需要累得讓腦袋沒力氣去想這些無聊的。225Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnhAxeMRziW
225Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4WG2JLYwWq
我更衣換褲，套上波鞋，打算到附近的海濱長廊散步。225Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7hhK9tIfZT
225Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡU6EiSWZ7fQ
「姐，買菸嗎？」阿美從俊仔的睡房探頭出來。這個時間，她正在為俊仔檢查功課。225Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTCaA7Dlipa
225Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHrdfBxX11L
「對……要買菸……」我撒謊——明明衫袋裡還有半包香菸。225Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡo5XNdlpu9o
225Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡz5LRAXPLm4
「不如讓我去吧。你工作了一整天，需要好好休息。」阿美滿臉疑惑，似乎察覺到我的不對勁。225Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5Xd3VKVd8c
225Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7Aew4ayowt
「不了……我自己去就可以……」我沒有回望她。225Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrVi3pEuuDi
225Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRvhbgL0U7I
「姐，我……」也許是基於內疚，阿美一直努力助我打理家頭細務，包括夜半買菸。225Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡR5zY5CnnRr
225Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9RVV7iNLzi
「我說——不！」我加重語氣，拉長字音，滿腔怒火不言而喻。225Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpNUf0SCYDr
225Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjZq3jadLcz
阿美呆了，霎時沒法應對。俊仔似乎聽到廳中的異樣，探頭察看。他望我的眼神帶有怒意，彷彿已判定我在欺負阿美……225Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBXkKKK9ZvC
225Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡl12bhlU4qQ
我頭也不回開門離家。225Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnbcfKhCOMV
225Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlIsT61ejAJ
夏夜，海風濕重，翳侷悶人。岸有燈火，海浪微盪，從多個度折射著黃光白光，閃閃爍爍。我的目光縱然停留在海面，卻無法捕捉任何一抹波光。我邊行邊放空，越放空越見混亂。225Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0rbjqYdHEc
225Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEb8JDxGOu0
我憑欄抽菸，抽得很兇，不欲再理會臭味或是甚麼其他的。225Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsdXPqKtoHq
225Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCtDUAQi2sj
這是專屬於我的寧靜。我要好好享受它……225Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZKcawvr0vG
225Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNv0kTFJCkA
最後一根菸殆盡，指隙間突然空虛無限。225Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4DX9Ymdln7
225Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhx5zVCo0ny
我不捨就此回家，奈何忘記帶銀包，無法買菸。225Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5iNGHh1cMC
225Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡU4iDFSuKYr
「要菸？」一根香菸驀地從左邊伸至我面前。是前夫。聽聞他跟我離婚後經歴幾次搬遷，不過兜兜轉轉還是在同一地區。這地區說不上大，也算不上細小，但要在街頭偶遇是有一定難度。225Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGJagV7uIB6
225Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKnaj02qTt8
因著這次稀罕難得的偶遇，我決定接過香菸。正要掏出打火機時，他又識趣地主動為我點菸。225Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5DRTshZEf5
225Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfi4F5BFzfn
「怎麼了？突然那麼體貼？」225Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxSriXP0bhq
225Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡz3PYInrcGs
「你不開心？」225Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmjWYEa9T0l
225Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgkTLoV74Ju
「是的。但與你無關。」225Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMBIlJHMSye
225Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyJAhZIHAgv
面對帶刺的話，前夫沒趣地倚欄遠佻對岸，默默待我享用完整根香菸。225Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLIur9r2mLf
225Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbAECNmGj8i
「還有菸嗎？」225Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9o0DkxAkFy
225Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5zF9z0vdgx
「有。」225Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYFPNMTC0zZ
225Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7DknS4C9UU
前夫再次遞菸、點菸，但他沒有繼續保持沉默。225Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIR7p9OSZ81
225Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLkm6qpVhSL
「俊仔還好嗎？」225Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ31Y9mcd5Y8
225Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKTXzY2IoNo
「與你無關。」225Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoOopFRL6go
225Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡviWHbH56AJ
「即使我跟你離婚了，我依然是俊仔的爸。」225Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBaESjLFLdS
225Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtbNFK7oG7U
我幽幽一笑。225Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJFA1eF9AkJ
225Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpoNL9avEWt
「俊仔的爸啊！俊仔希望在接下來的暑假參加交流團，但我騰不出費用。」225Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡncR8AlBC4E
225Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4UAbFeMT79
「多少？我付！」225Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKuWES9xWuu
225Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ06ow3gCRwq
「五萬七千五百元。」225Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡj5LJyx3suE
225Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡn9eir9PkNc
「好！沒問題！小意思！」225Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJq5yoDupnd
225Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMrsGq68yIv
在毫無心理準備下被戳中痛處，我的眼淚一下子𣽽了出來，再也止不住。225Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNrawkjAaVH
225Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIlVHJWBBot
「怎麼……我的天大難題……對你……只是小意思……」225Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOn2vALmanS
225Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIZ0HFJZ5Up
「別傻、別傻！我順口講講而已……那筆錢對我而言絕不是小意思……但也說不上『天大』難題……」225Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsWpzpAMRFx
225Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6thenzkQwO
「為何……做錯的是你們……受苦的人……卻是我……」225Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPdYX5ZofXJ
225Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKgFslAt0ya
「阿顧，對不起。」225Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIP1d8KiyGu
225Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeyvdLEorNc
「道歉有屁用！」225Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUvo4ssTJ2Y
225Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2elEtsfsl1
「既然你認為道歉無用，那我就送你一個承諾——日後你遇上甚麼麻煩，也請找我幫忙，我會盡力幫助你。」225Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnlOzQO2xtZ
225Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUJ0ogtVojA
雖然沒能繼續以夫妻之名一起生活下去，但我相信他：我清楚他的脾性，他真的會竭盡所能兌現承諾。當下問題是我能否接受、是否介意……不，該說是我有沒有拒絕和介意的本錢。225Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1oi7U5ujwM
225Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCNcsKRwXCP
如果我不是急需用錢，我早已彈指將菸屁股射向前夫的臉；如果我不是需要有人幫忙照顧俊仔，我早已將阿美趕出家門；如果我不是知道為人母親之責任，我多麼想就此棄下俊仔，展開更自由自在的新生活！225Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡx0kQwHVHAD
225Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqwruZmRTw2
可惜，世界從沒如果，只有因果。既然我誕下了俊仔，我就要必須對他負責——為了他，我不得不向現實低頭。225Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVofogbn0JZ
225Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlH80gARGLS
「你為俊仔籌謀那筆款項吧。我實在沒有辦法。」我心不甘情不願，卻沒奈何。225Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUbwjwG1NUC
225Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKkcIOyb9vy
「好！等我好消息！」前夫笑得很燦爛，似是找到贖罪的方法，以後不需背負罵名。225Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ87nHovG998
225Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡg1nmGtmRHX
我跟前夫揮手道別，然後慢步回家。225Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPAJKX77CbP
225Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRJqoKjPMJT
嗯……怎麼形容呢？平靜如水，所有情緒消散無蹤。沒有比剛才更難過，因為悉才低頭一剎已是頂峯。此刻腦袋裡再次塞滿無聊東西，甚或是比之前更無聊的。童年時與鄰座同學爭吵的片段、結婚前跟老媽到寶蓮寺拜大佛時的長長石級、兼職時拾到一個十元硬幣……細細碎碎的，散亂零落的。225Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTceo7umEfF
225Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡldXCA3QtZB
忽爾完全失去抽菸的欲望。解釋不了，亦不需解釋，反正是個很不錯的改變。如果我沒有沾上抽菸惡習，也許省下來的錢足夠俊仔參加幾次交流團，自己亦不需向前夫求助……225Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoJYvxptM82
225Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHy4sxuuAF6
我淪落至此，自己或多或少該要負上些許責任吧……225Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbIiNwMqnUJ
225Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOZHEH42hGf
既然是自己的錯、自己的選擇，也就是活該，也就沒甚麼好抱怨……225Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLgIHaRqauj
225Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡD7nEfK0akj
我活該……我活該……我活該……225Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzCua2ILtvZ
225Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPpQKCLzQqZ
我如此催眠自己。225Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2BjdJZW3ri
註：此篇另收錄於短篇小說集《雜念集》。如有違規，煩請創挑主通知，願刪文配合。
ns3.17.57.190da2
