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下班回家，淋浴。223Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsoudI3kvHN
223Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVbTiVNa8zU
我站在花灑頭下享受熱水的溫度和洗頭水的香氣，目光卻分心瞄向鑲嵌牆身的全身鏡。223Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKGvsBcC3Ih
223Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTJb3ayZWfL
今天，同事開玩笑嘲說我滿身肥肉，我笑勸他別對四十歲的女人太苛刻。哄堂大笑。聽著歡聲笑語，我沒法再欺瞞自己——我的確十分介意！223Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpd7Y02BDbM
223Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiyJIR2scTb
鏡子慢慢被蒸氣罩上一片模糊，我窮目亦只見一團啡黃色的色塊。像油炸過度的麥樂雞雞塊，也像兒子俊仔所講的亞古獸。223Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡt6RLfCGMJ4
223Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuGDVtKQId5
「亞古獸……」我憶起俊仔給我展示過的亞古獸圖片，不由得傻笑起來：「要沾甜酸醬……」223Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqz62MtTTwV
223Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuBcxvRxWdj
沐浴後，我和俊仔及阿美開始用餐。阿美是我妹。我跟前夫離婚後，阿美就搬來與我和俊仔同住，替我照顧俊仔。俊仔很喜歡阿美，會夾餸菜給她，但不會夾給我。我心裡不是滋味，但我不打算告訴他阿美就是前夫當年的外遇。223Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡy4IcxKVpfR
223Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIWUKbrT8aE
若問我為何可以如此大方，可以將破壞我婚姻的人留在身邊，照顧我的兒子，耳聞目睹兒子愛她甚於愛我？因為現實。現實是我需要工作賺錢，現實是阿美是我唯一可倚靠的人，現實是我沒有介意的本錢。223Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLusZ8ZMBgQ
223Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCTmWj2qUYG
飯後，俊仔做功課，阿美洗碗，我躲在浴室抽菸。叼著菸，我不自禁再次盯著全身鏡裡的自己——啡黃的膚色，方長的臉，矮肥的身材——像我爸，又像亞古獸。我驀地想起甜酸醬，然後想起阿美。人如其名，阿美的確長得美。她像媽，五官精緻，皮細肉嫩，玲瓏浮突。換著我是男人，我也會選擇阿美……223Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpKpytQuJLT
223Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡn6IqxhBQcB
恨不來。根本不知道該恨誰？恨阿美太漂亮，恨前夫好色，抑或恨自己像亞古獸？223Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡy9SpK3dj1n
223Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsucMmn76Qr
我笑了：我真的很像亞古獸。223Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡI5j16wNdbC
223Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnkQOGHoEJE
啪——啪——223Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBoD2oBkUcT
223Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgndqtOgzXY
「媽咪！我肚痛，要大便！」223Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLm47lC4mSF
223Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbKfGJ9tqA6
我匆匆將菸屁股丟入座廁，沖水。我離開浴室，看見俊仔早已肚痛得臉色發青，一股勁兒衝入浴室去。223Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFRfYimDKqh
223Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvbc8aIg7cM
「媽咪！菸味很臭啊！」俊仔隔門抱怨。223Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5PjMnUY3KT
223Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡz1Xrh0VzST
「你的大便也很臭呢！我老遠也嗅得到！」阿美代我反嘲。223Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7GvWE9JMCY
223Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlfU7OAdxii
我望望阿美，苦笑，笑他們像極兩母子。阿美也對我報以微笑，但我不知道她到底是明白我的想法，或是純粹笑俊仔傻氣。223Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiSzSWlswrh
223Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGphR1EZBuT
算了吧。沒所謂。223Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPXWeZvESeP
223Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡV6XKEtSoXe
我和她閒聊幾句不著邊際的，然後回到睡房去。223Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUW5U2Gw6qI
223Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4KTISOQZx4
該要睡，想要睡，卻偏偏沒能入睡。太多瑣事在心頭。同事、肥肉、麥樂雞、亞古獸、甜酸醬、俊仔、阿美、前夫、香菸、大便……香菸很臭，大便很臭……223Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpq8DGpbYeD
223Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYbC7Ji024B
我傻傻笑了：很無聊，怎麼我滿腦子只有這些無聊的東西？223Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLBEAJM509w
223Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcVh1HXr45o
不夠累嗎？我需要累得讓腦袋沒力氣去想這些無聊的。223Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxsLpEJ6qNh
223Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgLkv7Y5pO3
我更衣換褲，套上波鞋，打算到附近的海濱長廊散步。223Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXrqnXeWozd
223Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoji4kY0pN2
「姐，買菸嗎？」阿美從俊仔的睡房探頭出來。這個時間，她正在為俊仔檢查功課。223Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡB583lN2fRA
223Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdHkuaZXXzG
「對……要買菸……」我撒謊——明明衫袋裡還有半包香菸。223Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFEB9V9PTXE
223Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡn0Y48D1SqY
「不如讓我去吧。你工作了一整天，需要好好休息。」阿美滿臉疑惑，似乎察覺到我的不對勁。223Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡS5lhBpj1Hc
223Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWO3x1Vng3s
「不了……我自己去就可以……」我沒有回望她。223Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHtdZgIsmg6
223Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡz95dOSYFjT
「姐，我……」也許是基於內疚，阿美一直努力助我打理家頭細務，包括夜半買菸。223Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUjwYbMQO2K
223Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUtUyagp9rb
「我說——不！」我加重語氣，拉長字音，滿腔怒火不言而喻。223Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡY2wbwS7Yx1
223Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWBiE40Q3tU
阿美呆了，霎時沒法應對。俊仔似乎聽到廳中的異樣，探頭察看。他望我的眼神帶有怒意，彷彿已判定我在欺負阿美……223Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpSO8avIDHH
223Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNiREpam04z
我頭也不回開門離家。223Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkvbnUa1trz
223Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzfZdjubtI7
夏夜，海風濕重，翳侷悶人。岸有燈火，海浪微盪，從多個度折射著黃光白光，閃閃爍爍。我的目光縱然停留在海面，卻無法捕捉任何一抹波光。我邊行邊放空，越放空越見混亂。223Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNh6BoWwjxE
223Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBzNbcnUpuL
我憑欄抽菸，抽得很兇，不欲再理會臭味或是甚麼其他的。223Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrDSx8UP9EK
223Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoL7bDal6q6
這是專屬於我的寧靜。我要好好享受它……223Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4tzP2RP3wu
223Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZ8MqkbVE0q
最後一根菸殆盡，指隙間突然空虛無限。223Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPoo0gfJR5Y
223Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡO8FQeQUfmK
我不捨就此回家，奈何忘記帶銀包，無法買菸。223Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1ze2Ltb7xs
223Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJyC3Et7gpw
「要菸？」一根香菸驀地從左邊伸至我面前。是前夫。聽聞他跟我離婚後經歴幾次搬遷，不過兜兜轉轉還是在同一地區。這地區說不上大，也算不上細小，但要在街頭偶遇是有一定難度。223Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡupaRhci5SK
223Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡl7g52ufaD6
因著這次稀罕難得的偶遇，我決定接過香菸。正要掏出打火機時，他又識趣地主動為我點菸。223Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZwUONwJKV1
223Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXOcbFhvI9z
「怎麼了？突然那麼體貼？」223Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLJzlNfqc08
223Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRRhF1eBVeN
「你不開心？」223Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDpC8keiHqZ
223Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1ueh48uMLQ
「是的。但與你無關。」223Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡESieJaAw3W
223Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjoq9Mw8sLj
面對帶刺的話，前夫沒趣地倚欄遠佻對岸，默默待我享用完整根香菸。223Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMyxJSM6ykW
223Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqehpGdXq71
「還有菸嗎？」223Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡii29pYBOTV
223Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAPyiTbKWqh
「有。」223Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmNxFL6BUdc
223Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoBil1IhLkM
前夫再次遞菸、點菸，但他沒有繼續保持沉默。223Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmMtwndkLTm
223Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡftnzVAty0v
「俊仔還好嗎？」223Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡu3vkpFhdKb
223Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8q6LM2AP5f
「與你無關。」223Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡr7aDGcbm0r
223Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmoiwUUfgVv
「即使我跟你離婚了，我依然是俊仔的爸。」223Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGGYgplhZyq
223Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKD3ZK3erl7
我幽幽一笑。223Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡb79WfqPXGs
223Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡysRgEEZYgJ
「俊仔的爸啊！俊仔希望在接下來的暑假參加交流團，但我騰不出費用。」223Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0tatOhnBqU
223Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZ85Vp3Ko6R
「多少？我付！」223Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZARrkP2mvM
223Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsLe1Zu5HMz
「五萬七千五百元。」223Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡw40IqR1dZR
223Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1krLutKtUE
「好！沒問題！小意思！」223Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLfAWHsk8is
223Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡasfVmxc7Qw
在毫無心理準備下被戳中痛處，我的眼淚一下子𣽽了出來，再也止不住。223Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡML7Sjfytea
223Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzdnB0uHl8e
「怎麼……我的天大難題……對你……只是小意思……」223Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJ0cCgJLLpX
223Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAksB4Wfbjl
「別傻、別傻！我順口講講而已……那筆錢對我而言絕不是小意思……但也說不上『天大』難題……」223Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLZvQHcvTgj
223Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGKfOJFeprH
「為何……做錯的是你們……受苦的人……卻是我……」223Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTTvgMdVTZP
223Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRpRhdXsxlS
「阿顧，對不起。」223Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhmIkfAwQIG
223Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiHSdBpaIgI
「道歉有屁用！」223Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMMqBXWcTe9
223Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWcryUTjzsk
「既然你認為道歉無用，那我就送你一個承諾——日後你遇上甚麼麻煩，也請找我幫忙，我會盡力幫助你。」223Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3QrC9QoOpT
223Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzkymeLw3PJ
雖然沒能繼續以夫妻之名一起生活下去，但我相信他：我清楚他的脾性，他真的會竭盡所能兌現承諾。當下問題是我能否接受、是否介意……不，該說是我有沒有拒絕和介意的本錢。223Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4DTgkNSqgq
223Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLYI0kMyMcs
如果我不是急需用錢，我早已彈指將菸屁股射向前夫的臉；如果我不是需要有人幫忙照顧俊仔，我早已將阿美趕出家門；如果我不是知道為人母親之責任，我多麼想就此棄下俊仔，展開更自由自在的新生活！223Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJJRmfugQOx
223Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡG8tbcv2dR4
可惜，世界從沒如果，只有因果。既然我誕下了俊仔，我就要必須對他負責——為了他，我不得不向現實低頭。223Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhNlQnQ7GeX
223Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡP8eINeK7N1
「你為俊仔籌謀那筆款項吧。我實在沒有辦法。」我心不甘情不願，卻沒奈何。223Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9Vw2RZr9zs
223Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBjHBdD2vDV
「好！等我好消息！」前夫笑得很燦爛，似是找到贖罪的方法，以後不需背負罵名。223Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9ddMj0Q5VO
223Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9yMWW8IIb2
我跟前夫揮手道別，然後慢步回家。223Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkEFI7o1k8p
223Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ49SQkIGfOG
嗯……怎麼形容呢？平靜如水，所有情緒消散無蹤。沒有比剛才更難過，因為悉才低頭一剎已是頂峯。此刻腦袋裡再次塞滿無聊東西，甚或是比之前更無聊的。童年時與鄰座同學爭吵的片段、結婚前跟老媽到寶蓮寺拜大佛時的長長石級、兼職時拾到一個十元硬幣……細細碎碎的，散亂零落的。223Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAAtzamPEi7
223Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡerORsUZvFV
忽爾完全失去抽菸的欲望。解釋不了，亦不需解釋，反正是個很不錯的改變。如果我沒有沾上抽菸惡習，也許省下來的錢足夠俊仔參加幾次交流團，自己亦不需向前夫求助……223Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkz1knV9jNE
223Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfRYuL9humu
我淪落至此，自己或多或少該要負上些許責任吧……223Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXVmDgc4hHK
223Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡn0QQcaDVfY
既然是自己的錯、自己的選擇，也就是活該，也就沒甚麼好抱怨……223Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡilTawoY88o
223Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIZoANYrER9
我活該……我活該……我活該……223Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkprGlD2DqQ
223Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡC1noQc6Aum
我如此催眠自己。223Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZ7wtBaRKap
註：此篇另收錄於短篇小說集《雜念集》。如有違規，煩請創挑主通知，願刪文配合。
ns18.218.102.138da2
