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下班回家，淋浴。275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiBsXHQbusy
275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgRAIlQlVM3
我站在花灑頭下享受熱水的溫度和洗頭水的香氣，目光卻分心瞄向鑲嵌牆身的全身鏡。275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmD8Mvn4w9H
275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ76ZmkPja80
今天，同事開玩笑嘲說我滿身肥肉，我笑勸他別對四十歲的女人太苛刻。哄堂大笑。聽著歡聲笑語，我沒法再欺瞞自己——我的確十分介意！275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPZpgVATMId
275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2hcBQQnwMH
鏡子慢慢被蒸氣罩上一片模糊，我窮目亦只見一團啡黃色的色塊。像油炸過度的麥樂雞雞塊，也像兒子俊仔所講的亞古獸。275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxZcW4V2guT
275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3f72euiAsO
「亞古獸……」我憶起俊仔給我展示過的亞古獸圖片，不由得傻笑起來：「要沾甜酸醬……」275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnqmVlkQnLL
275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡECXOnjBIPw
沐浴後，我和俊仔及阿美開始用餐。阿美是我妹。我跟前夫離婚後，阿美就搬來與我和俊仔同住，替我照顧俊仔。俊仔很喜歡阿美，會夾餸菜給她，但不會夾給我。我心裡不是滋味，但我不打算告訴他阿美就是前夫當年的外遇。275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeIgwybkAhJ
275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtXOJ3ge6o7
若問我為何可以如此大方，可以將破壞我婚姻的人留在身邊，照顧我的兒子，耳聞目睹兒子愛她甚於愛我？因為現實。現實是我需要工作賺錢，現實是阿美是我唯一可倚靠的人，現實是我沒有介意的本錢。275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfjiTF9ZGzN
275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgHr1tYzswP
飯後，俊仔做功課，阿美洗碗，我躲在浴室抽菸。叼著菸，我不自禁再次盯著全身鏡裡的自己——啡黃的膚色，方長的臉，矮肥的身材——像我爸，又像亞古獸。我驀地想起甜酸醬，然後想起阿美。人如其名，阿美的確長得美。她像媽，五官精緻，皮細肉嫩，玲瓏浮突。換著我是男人，我也會選擇阿美……275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkuySNiA1AD
275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDWfFLyqW69
恨不來。根本不知道該恨誰？恨阿美太漂亮，恨前夫好色，抑或恨自己像亞古獸？275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5qNVyby1dT
275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcC19oV8sgl
我笑了：我真的很像亞古獸。275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCpafuFEtaI
275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMpUEXGeq9v
啪——啪——275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6kxKcNbGOC
275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡu8CtX9eFtP
「媽咪！我肚痛，要大便！」275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8Er4CcM6Qn
275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsNT0XRl3TT
我匆匆將菸屁股丟入座廁，沖水。我離開浴室，看見俊仔早已肚痛得臉色發青，一股勁兒衝入浴室去。275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlUB1TTgKLg
275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYTSWrBC8fM
「媽咪！菸味很臭啊！」俊仔隔門抱怨。275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbtEdDhk7OW
275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ13DIzdfgpl
「你的大便也很臭呢！我老遠也嗅得到！」阿美代我反嘲。275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡw8vOZi9dxU
275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXiYXySMeV8
我望望阿美，苦笑，笑他們像極兩母子。阿美也對我報以微笑，但我不知道她到底是明白我的想法，或是純粹笑俊仔傻氣。275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjaJYjcoe8b
275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOEGULjlnHm
算了吧。沒所謂。275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhrk9gD4irs
275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsh0aejuPHZ
我和她閒聊幾句不著邊際的，然後回到睡房去。275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvl3rkjnli9
275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNkGMZSpd7O
該要睡，想要睡，卻偏偏沒能入睡。太多瑣事在心頭。同事、肥肉、麥樂雞、亞古獸、甜酸醬、俊仔、阿美、前夫、香菸、大便……香菸很臭，大便很臭……275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡurFDqBAk1D
275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfHryDH3ytZ
我傻傻笑了：很無聊，怎麼我滿腦子只有這些無聊的東西？275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5FbK9WOiTY
275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7bnUTlfic1
不夠累嗎？我需要累得讓腦袋沒力氣去想這些無聊的。275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDlPoMfqqbb
275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOnQQOr5rrD
我更衣換褲，套上波鞋，打算到附近的海濱長廊散步。275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡk9AVMLSNRD
275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSHRSCsgFBV
「姐，買菸嗎？」阿美從俊仔的睡房探頭出來。這個時間，她正在為俊仔檢查功課。275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡn5d5A7Npsf
275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWtQjRxvfwh
「對……要買菸……」我撒謊——明明衫袋裡還有半包香菸。275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYBP6IobXKm
275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡA3pgJLnbN5
「不如讓我去吧。你工作了一整天，需要好好休息。」阿美滿臉疑惑，似乎察覺到我的不對勁。275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbk4W3V6ubh
275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxsTpRr5t53
「不了……我自己去就可以……」我沒有回望她。275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKdjVH50awC
275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRFBLGKRKbd
「姐，我……」也許是基於內疚，阿美一直努力助我打理家頭細務，包括夜半買菸。275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFJjZbvrmy0
275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3uQoNCgN7j
「我說——不！」我加重語氣，拉長字音，滿腔怒火不言而喻。275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkfL09t2YuJ
275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDmGKHnLddP
阿美呆了，霎時沒法應對。俊仔似乎聽到廳中的異樣，探頭察看。他望我的眼神帶有怒意，彷彿已判定我在欺負阿美……275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMEuia2NjdD
275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzCNFuwHH0V
我頭也不回開門離家。275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZ1vUXRxj1a
275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjM9WAsFFQ8
夏夜，海風濕重，翳侷悶人。岸有燈火，海浪微盪，從多個度折射著黃光白光，閃閃爍爍。我的目光縱然停留在海面，卻無法捕捉任何一抹波光。我邊行邊放空，越放空越見混亂。275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJ5uvoeagTA
275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHQ5Wb7RTFz
我憑欄抽菸，抽得很兇，不欲再理會臭味或是甚麼其他的。275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPWeHM5kHId
275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1ZFjw6R3C0
這是專屬於我的寧靜。我要好好享受它……275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlgG1Vm0NP9
275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRCKoxDLzpT
最後一根菸殆盡，指隙間突然空虛無限。275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡliJ3NvwUbf
275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCtPWA0yWF2
我不捨就此回家，奈何忘記帶銀包，無法買菸。275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCIYpXMMMNX
275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5b0U6iXAZ6
「要菸？」一根香菸驀地從左邊伸至我面前。是前夫。聽聞他跟我離婚後經歴幾次搬遷，不過兜兜轉轉還是在同一地區。這地區說不上大，也算不上細小，但要在街頭偶遇是有一定難度。275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFTL4sRlHN1
275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPfGcDGbCML
因著這次稀罕難得的偶遇，我決定接過香菸。正要掏出打火機時，他又識趣地主動為我點菸。275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUHn1nsfGSV
275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡolx1WF5XSh
「怎麼了？突然那麼體貼？」275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRTdAv75USo
275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJJfFusfAT9
「你不開心？」275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMG49MwNtaQ
275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyRiBvl9nfe
「是的。但與你無關。」275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWPuZMU0B4q
275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ77PJtfwm0Y
面對帶刺的話，前夫沒趣地倚欄遠佻對岸，默默待我享用完整根香菸。275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7eCBgfMWDT
275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzA5tQ6vSOo
「還有菸嗎？」275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0TdsWBlKuD
275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxPu9c44LZR
「有。」275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7BLOGZuzi7
275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGJYUkAIL8u
前夫再次遞菸、點菸，但他沒有繼續保持沉默。275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡp1X6xvcOlh
275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1R3ygZq4dx
「俊仔還好嗎？」275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLaENBXVTZr
275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQzEe75MPcP
「與你無關。」275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhaHuEJDZY5
275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEyxbSVVauO
「即使我跟你離婚了，我依然是俊仔的爸。」275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEmGaQUTvTd
275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4DyuBWsifH
我幽幽一笑。275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡl9Xi2CREPC
275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGQGF4lqVUb
「俊仔的爸啊！俊仔希望在接下來的暑假參加交流團，但我騰不出費用。」275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvo51DvXlmT
275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIXpBzmLY91
「多少？我付！」275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwnr4Cvflpf
275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXWoi8qsgOb
「五萬七千五百元。」275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIAhbn3dbnE
275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2nD7dO8P1w
「好！沒問題！小意思！」275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPF4uYMr3kI
275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQxuJLwVQS3
在毫無心理準備下被戳中痛處，我的眼淚一下子𣽽了出來，再也止不住。275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLypIqI35x5
275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQpe2dnleLV
「怎麼……我的天大難題……對你……只是小意思……」275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡh2iV73egyr
275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0mIBdOaF3N
「別傻、別傻！我順口講講而已……那筆錢對我而言絕不是小意思……但也說不上『天大』難題……」275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFYtn2zecFt
275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuB45jNTeGk
「為何……做錯的是你們……受苦的人……卻是我……」275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRXFeQ8STQD
275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEZk0VHWmaV
「阿顧，對不起。」275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhFFumDli8f
275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡswBwMnUMn4
「道歉有屁用！」275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKAE9kD95Io
275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3e205SSShQ
「既然你認為道歉無用，那我就送你一個承諾——日後你遇上甚麼麻煩，也請找我幫忙，我會盡力幫助你。」275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5be3hkQz2r
275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ64RCuxZRsv
雖然沒能繼續以夫妻之名一起生活下去，但我相信他：我清楚他的脾性，他真的會竭盡所能兌現承諾。當下問題是我能否接受、是否介意……不，該說是我有沒有拒絕和介意的本錢。275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyl3dJi8VPZ
275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡITwAFfqaR8
如果我不是急需用錢，我早已彈指將菸屁股射向前夫的臉；如果我不是需要有人幫忙照顧俊仔，我早已將阿美趕出家門；如果我不是知道為人母親之責任，我多麼想就此棄下俊仔，展開更自由自在的新生活！275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJ4gnGnRz2Y
275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPWYngqy6mK
可惜，世界從沒如果，只有因果。既然我誕下了俊仔，我就要必須對他負責——為了他，我不得不向現實低頭。275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJbChLuEYQn
275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhpUcSq3ud5
「你為俊仔籌謀那筆款項吧。我實在沒有辦法。」我心不甘情不願，卻沒奈何。275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡW8UZT9pQqW
275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtFSF5JozyP
「好！等我好消息！」前夫笑得很燦爛，似是找到贖罪的方法，以後不需背負罵名。275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBThMFPe16p
275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡprC8CU3IqH
我跟前夫揮手道別，然後慢步回家。275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjTmFlp35qT
275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHtDr9GicZh
嗯……怎麼形容呢？平靜如水，所有情緒消散無蹤。沒有比剛才更難過，因為悉才低頭一剎已是頂峯。此刻腦袋裡再次塞滿無聊東西，甚或是比之前更無聊的。童年時與鄰座同學爭吵的片段、結婚前跟老媽到寶蓮寺拜大佛時的長長石級、兼職時拾到一個十元硬幣……細細碎碎的，散亂零落的。275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3S3QZQAS7w
275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9lf6ap7Ywj
忽爾完全失去抽菸的欲望。解釋不了，亦不需解釋，反正是個很不錯的改變。如果我沒有沾上抽菸惡習，也許省下來的錢足夠俊仔參加幾次交流團，自己亦不需向前夫求助……275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQuS7SqMy35
275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ97j4x0ucX3
我淪落至此，自己或多或少該要負上些許責任吧……275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBMtLFqts8h
275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEHpOG5rJSY
既然是自己的錯、自己的選擇，也就是活該，也就沒甚麼好抱怨……275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4mHcCuoNi7
275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjuroGJe0Nc
我活該……我活該……我活該……275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbFFzydZU6o
275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJksLnNFDBf
我如此催眠自己。275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkfLXrzIf6w
註：此篇另收錄於短篇小說集《雜念集》。如有違規，煩請創挑主通知，願刪文配合。
ns216.73.216.176da2
