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Three Years Later…
Keegan
It’s been three years since Blue was taken away from me. Three agonizingly long years. But it’s almost over now.209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcnAJB2nGQv
It could have been a lot longer. Blue was originally sentenced to eight years in prison. Eight years. Just thinking about that now makes my stomach drop.209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0EUJrqpSCn
I cried out when the sentence was read in the courtroom. Like a fool, I screamed at the panel that convicted him. I screamed at the judge. I couldn’t control myself. The sentence seemed so unfair, so pointless.209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5YRrpXQRIk
Naturally, I was thrown out by the bailiff. So I didn’t even get to say goodbye to Blue before he was taken away.209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQXNMWMJoPj
Devastated, I went home to my room at the ranch. I curled up into a ball on my bed and stayed that way for the next week.209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDrlZtMHDDa
I didn’t bathe; I barely ate. I just wanted to sleep all the time, to dream that Blue was right next to me, tangled up with me.209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡk4WLMJE2OR
I didn’t want to see or speak to anyone. I was mad at the Army, mad at the world, mad at God.209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSdNgi4H1mu
Most of all, I was so goddamn angry at myself. If I hadn’t written everything down in my journal, none of this would’ve happened.209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGUiLh3S0SO
I didn’t see any way to go on. Not without Blue. Not for eight years, without Blue.209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBJx7MmFDD0
When I finally emerged from my self-pitying coccoon and started acting somewhat sane, Virginia gave me the letter from Blue.209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbZ1rQymh6g
He’d intended for me to have it right away. But Holmlund was worried how it would affect me. So he gave the letter to my grandmother and asked her to give it to me when she thought the time was right.209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuABrdvh4x3
I was pissed that she held it for so long. More than pissed. I was fucking furious at both her and Holmlund. How dare they make that decision?209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8gQEpPl2oQ
I screamed at my grandmother. I told her she had no right to withhold the letter from me. I stormed out of the house and into the barn, saddled Okie and took off at a gallop with the letter still unopened in my jeans pocket.209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBziLAEEnmr
I didn’t read it until I reached the cabin. I went up to the loft, to the bed where I’d spent so many nights with Blue, ripped open the letter, and read it through, slowly, three times.209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUv2dux7Gl5
Then I cried for what felt like forever.209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIKJ3f7hZNw
But after that, I got angry at Blue. I mean, I understood what he was trying to do. He was thinking of me, of what he thought was best for me.
But did he really think I would just walk away and forget I ever knew him? Did he really think I could do that?209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeUielV9koG
By the time I headed back toward the house, it was dusk. I took it slow, giving Okie his lead, moving at a gentle pace through the dark. I cried a little more, thinking about my romantic ride through the darkness with Blue several months ago. It seemed like another lifetime, when we did that.209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡE1YdncB7nj
But I also started thinking about something Holmlund told me earlier when he called to check on me and Virginia literally had to force the phone into my hand.209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡC03p35XsIZ
“Keegan,” Holmlund said, “do you remember I told you the day the verdict was read that it wasn’t the end, that I still had some tricks up my sleeve?209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUCrsC7MqJx
I didn’t answer: I just stood there silently, sulking like a baby. But I was listening.209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVqyp6SJ2C8
Holmlund went on, telling me about the Army Clemency and Parole Board.209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuQS8lAC8Zl
“After nine months, Blue can request clemency from the board. That means his sentence could be set aside completely or at least reduced, if we can convince the board that he deserves it.”209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpnQDP2sTna
And that lit a little flame of hope inside me. Clemency. If anybody deserves clemency, it is Blue Daniels.209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiuGeVtFjAN
First though, we had to get through the initial nine months.209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaS4NarVX9y
It took two months before I was allowed to visit Blue at Fort Leavenworth in Kansas. That’s because at first, he wouldn’t sign the permission form to have me cleared to come to the prison.209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZDGN5Wo8Sf
He wouldn’t even make the collect call to the ranch that he was allowed once a week. He called his mother, but not me.209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7jiRw7oYf1
He was applying tough love, I guess. He wanted me to do what he’d asked me to do in the letter. He wanted me to walk away.209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdW7VDKAQH6
But I was not going anywhere. And I was going to make Blue talk to me.209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3WRwcnHLAZ
So I drove to Tulsa, to his mom’s house. A sympathetic Maria had told me when he was supposed to call her, and when he did, she answered and then handed the phone to me, walking away to give us some privacy.209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWVYKLGnmPI
I just stood there for a minute, holding the phone, debating what to say.209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwJwAG3AMak
“Hello?” I heard Blue say. “Mama?”209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡujSE93BSKq
Then I exploded. “What the fuck is wrong with you?”209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtHuJzq2RY1
Silence on the other end. And then, finally, his voice, weak and uncertain. “Keegan?”209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTAOj9AtMTg
“Answer my question!” I snapped. “What is wrong with you? What do you think you’re doing, cutting me out like this? Do you know what it’s doing to me, Blue? Do you?”209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡD5VyYAyB3a
He didn’t answer, so I barreled on.209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡY9rzsgtD7k
“How dare you send me a letter like that and then just expect me to walk away. Like I could even do that. What the hell were you thinking, huh? And, then, then, you pull this crap of not letting me come see you, not calling me?”209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvTApwDsBoP
He was still not responding, and I was working myself into a frenzy.209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAp83Qvk5ht
“You’re just a . . . a stubborn jackass! I’m not going anywhere, do you understand me? You are stuck with me. If I have to drive up to that prison and stand outside all day, every day, ‘til you sign that form, I’ll do it. You are not getting rid of me that easy. So don’t even think I’m walking away from you!”209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRNrDdQx6Rb
Still, there was silence. I began to wonder if he’d hung up. But listening closer, I could hear his shallow breathing. The kind of breaths you take when you’re crying.209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWfELb5fqCn
“For God’s sake, Blue, say something!”209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjFCdnI9Mue
There was another long pause. “Eight years is too long, Keegan,” he finally said, sighing, his voice small and miserable. “It’s just too long. I can’t let you wait around for me, don’t you get that? I can’t do it.”209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhESs7eW1Qn
“You have no choice. Do you get that, Blue? You. Have. No. Choice.”209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPPefoFbz9C
My body couldn’t decide at that moment whether to start screaming again or break down crying.209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXOD00IO7WX
“I’m waiting.” Now I'm half shouting and half crying. “And you are not shutting me out!"209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMcFtOVvWgU
I let my words hang there a moment. Then I went on a tad more calmly.209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDyI4ETkNej
"Besides, it won’t be eight years. Don’t you remember the clemency board Holmlund talked about? We already have a plan on that. So don’t think you’re getting rid of me. I told you, I will come up to that prison and stand outside of it every fucking day until you let me in. And I mean it!”209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvN07bikbqZ
He did eventually sign the form, and Maria and I started taking turns driving up to see Blue. And he started calling me at the ranch as often as he could.209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ96XxQ6aeTI
It wasn’t nearly enough. But it was better than nothing.209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkuIIW6M24N
And that’s where Blue's music started to help. It was out there, being consumed, being shared, moving hearts and minds. Frasier Bryson was doing everything in his power to tell Blue's story, to advocate for him.209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4D15CKjqe1
At the same time, Virginia was pulling political strings, calling in favors.209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0kjAI5QWmx
All of us—me, Holmlund, Virginia, Maria, Bryson —threw ourselves into the effort to get clemency for Blue.209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ75vHEiACn7
His conviction generated headlines around the world, and we did everything possible to keep his name and face and cause in the public eye for those nine long months before he could apply.209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKXoG8EVErV
And public opinion started to change. You could feel it.209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡR5NvfdpHUH
I mean, there were still plenty of haters out there. I tried to avoid seeing the venom online. We still had to be careful with our own security.209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhRH1aFLW2N
But by the time Holmlund filed an appeal with the clemency board, public sympathy for Blue seemed at an all-time high.209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyWz9uqywaT
And when the board met, Cunny’s mom miraculously showed up to speak on Blue’s behalf, saying she believed clemency was what her son would want.209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvhj0OjFlV9
Blue broke down and sobbed as she spoke. So did I.209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBvSvqHncNC
Even with all that, though, it took almost a year. The board dithered and delayed its decision. Holmlund said there must have been some strong opposition to granting Blue clemency.209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡL12ijzgQGp
But finally—finally—we got word he would be released just after his three-year incarceration date.209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5CnyOMvGfY
And now, I’m on the highway, almost to the Leavenworth exit. I’m going to pick him up, bring him home to the ranch.209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJoN0NhWvIB
Maria was kind enough to let me come by myself, to give us a little time alone together. She’s waiting at the ranch for him, along with Bryson.209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGrZDgNM5M4
They’re a couple now. I guess when they met, they made an instant connection. Kind of like me and Blue.209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLbcm69rjVp
They were scared to tell Blue about it at first. They didn’t know how he’d react. But he’s been okay with it. In fact, I think he’s thrilled.209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡavV5jL0SH5
“Who would have thought?” he laughed in our last phone call. “Bryson and my mom.”209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡR0Z4WggdL0
I’m beyond excited to get Blue out of prison. My body and my soul have ached for him every day, every second, that’s he been away. I’ve driven myself crazy thinking about what he’s gone through at Leavenworth.209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡanITdxJelP
I can’t wait for him to touch me, hold me, make love to me. I want him to be rough and tender and crazed with passion and wild with adoration, all at the same time.209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJpUrblACWR
But I’m also nervous about our reunion. About how it will be between us. Three years is a long time, and inevitably, we’ve both changed.209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGv8Tcpp500
Blue’s sadder, more introspective. I can see it in his eyes when I visit, hear it in his words.209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhUL8e4dlwy
He’s been a model prisoner, teaching music classes to inmates, writing more songs. He’s a better, stronger person now, I think.209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡY9NqaxqwNJ
I’ve changed, too. At least I hope I have. The last three years have helped me grow up.209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWmgMqqsoAG
I’ve spent a lot of my time with my grandmother, helping care for her. That nagging cough that’s dogged her was diagnosed as lung cancer not long after Blue’s conviction.209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ090hdkf1Io
Just when it felt like we were getting closer, building the kind of relationship we should have had all along, I may be about to lose her.209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjAtsMFlVF4
I don’t know how much longer she has. The doctors say probably not more than a year. But they don’t understand what a tough old bird Virginia Cooke is. She may surprise us all.209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHRqSkcbR0G
She’s still prickly, still regularly gets under my skin. But I understand her a lot better now.209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvsaCEWp2u4
I’m about to finish my degree at OU. I couldn’t bring myself to go back to Ikana, assuming they’d have let me come back. It just wouldn’t be the same.209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡo74IHlpZlK
And I’ve applied for law school. Not because my grandmother wanted it, but because, after what we’ve experienced, I’m a lot more interested in becoming a lawyer than I ever thought I’d be.209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqSfNycD2dk
I might still go into journalism. But I like the idea of having a law degree as well.209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtWVm1YPl1o
In a surprising turn of events, my brother is now a student at Ikana. Buick is apparently breaking hearts all over campus.209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9K7Fu0aPg7
But that’s another story.209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡP9hCFDMOND
I see the Leavenworth sign up ahead and turn on my signal.209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ03gs77DtvF
“I’m almost there, Blue,” I say. “I’m almost there.”209Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡawFbQi6pFe
~~~
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Interested in Keegan’s sexy brother Buick? He's got a searing story of his own that will start soon here on Penana! Be sure to follow me so you don't miss You Belong to Me. 😊
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