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Three Years Later…
Keegan
It’s been three years since Blue was taken away from me. Three agonizingly long years. But it’s almost over now.58Please respect copyright.PENANA9Gz1dh4gV5
It could have been a lot longer. Blue was originally sentenced to eight years in prison. Eight years. Just thinking about that now makes my stomach drop.58Please respect copyright.PENANAbLf3vRZpk3
I cried out when the sentence was read in the courtroom. Like a fool, I screamed at the panel that convicted him. I screamed at the judge. I couldn’t control myself. The sentence seemed so unfair, so pointless.58Please respect copyright.PENANAJUjeyMvZzG
Naturally, I was thrown out by the bailiff. So I didn’t even get to say goodbye to Blue before he was taken away.58Please respect copyright.PENANAD1Kvequ1DW
Devastated, I went home to my room at the ranch. I curled up into a ball on my bed and stayed that way for the next week.58Please respect copyright.PENANAxlC4mMYO1h
I didn’t bathe; I barely ate. I just wanted to sleep all the time, to dream that Blue was right next to me, tangled up with me.58Please respect copyright.PENANA5vYhqaR4KA
I didn’t want to see or speak to anyone. I was mad at the Army, mad at the world, mad at God.58Please respect copyright.PENANAYuXCP2u069
Most of all, I was so goddamn angry at myself. If I hadn’t written everything down in my journal, none of this would’ve happened.58Please respect copyright.PENANAZJB7bASUPo
I didn’t see any way to go on. Not without Blue. Not for eight years, without Blue.58Please respect copyright.PENANAlzTkxuevQw
When I finally emerged from my self-pitying coccoon and started acting somewhat sane, Virginia gave me the letter from Blue.58Please respect copyright.PENANA6yI411ZoJF
He’d intended for me to have it right away. But Holmlund was worried how it would affect me. So he gave the letter to my grandmother and asked her to give it to me when she thought the time was right.58Please respect copyright.PENANAj0ZpIt5BDl
I was pissed that she held it for so long. More than pissed. I was fucking furious at both her and Holmlund. How dare they make that decision?58Please respect copyright.PENANAZJCzt1sdne
I screamed at my grandmother. I told her she had no right to withhold the letter from me. I stormed out of the house and into the barn, saddled Okie and took off at a gallop with the letter still unopened in my jeans pocket.58Please respect copyright.PENANAiwzmXVVAbD
I didn’t read it until I reached the cabin. I went up to the loft, to the bed where I’d spent so many nights with Blue, ripped open the letter, and read it through, slowly, three times.58Please respect copyright.PENANAcSIWT6xMVX
Then I cried for what felt like forever.58Please respect copyright.PENANAJCNf77718J
But after that, I got angry at Blue. I mean, I understood what he was trying to do. He was thinking of me, of what he thought was best for me.
But did he really think I would just walk away and forget I ever knew him? Did he really think I could do that?58Please respect copyright.PENANAn0ehCjmBqJ
By the time I headed back toward the house, it was dusk. I took it slow, giving Okie his lead, moving at a gentle pace through the dark. I cried a little more, thinking about my romantic ride through the darkness with Blue several months ago. It seemed like another lifetime, when we did that.58Please respect copyright.PENANA2yYoI5IAhF
But I also started thinking about something Holmlund told me earlier when he called to check on me and Virginia literally had to force the phone into my hand.58Please respect copyright.PENANAWHkKqYGz0K
“Keegan,” Holmlund said, “do you remember I told you the day the verdict was read that it wasn’t the end, that I still had some tricks up my sleeve?58Please respect copyright.PENANAbG7cuI54zX
I didn’t answer: I just stood there silently, sulking like a baby. But I was listening.58Please respect copyright.PENANAZTXw8FiG7b
Holmlund went on, telling me about the Army Clemency and Parole Board.58Please respect copyright.PENANAfVXlk47aIr
“After nine months, Blue can request clemency from the board. That means his sentence could be set aside completely or at least reduced, if we can convince the board that he deserves it.”58Please respect copyright.PENANAcNpXogmjDD
And that lit a little flame of hope inside me. Clemency. If anybody deserves clemency, it is Blue Daniels.58Please respect copyright.PENANAq5IZg5Gbgy
First though, we had to get through the initial nine months.58Please respect copyright.PENANADuthqERsYy
It took two months before I was allowed to visit Blue at Fort Leavenworth in Kansas. That’s because at first, he wouldn’t sign the permission form to have me cleared to come to the prison.58Please respect copyright.PENANABVDdxn0ZjY
He wouldn’t even make the collect call to the ranch that he was allowed once a week. He called his mother, but not me.58Please respect copyright.PENANAnVg0M6AQRi
He was applying tough love, I guess. He wanted me to do what he’d asked me to do in the letter. He wanted me to walk away.58Please respect copyright.PENANAJXUVibpn6O
But I was not going anywhere. And I was going to make Blue talk to me.58Please respect copyright.PENANADZmkTbIUGa
So I drove to Tulsa, to his mom’s house. A sympathetic Maria had told me when he was supposed to call her, and when he did, she answered and then handed the phone to me, walking away to give us some privacy.58Please respect copyright.PENANADahOXDWNTf
I just stood there for a minute, holding the phone, debating what to say.58Please respect copyright.PENANAbT5cGQTeqR
“Hello?” I heard Blue say. “Mama?”58Please respect copyright.PENANAu45H9EFYD1
Then I exploded. “What the fuck is wrong with you?”58Please respect copyright.PENANA6haSZxhGem
Silence on the other end. And then, finally, his voice, weak and uncertain. “Keegan?”58Please respect copyright.PENANA0a8xOLw3bp
“Answer my question!” I snapped. “What is wrong with you? What do you think you’re doing, cutting me out like this? Do you know what it’s doing to me, Blue? Do you?”58Please respect copyright.PENANAnYXRxeDuIJ
He didn’t answer, so I barreled on.58Please respect copyright.PENANAuG7flwcmcO
“How dare you send me a letter like that and then just expect me to walk away. Like I could even do that. What the hell were you thinking, huh? And, then, then, you pull this crap of not letting me come see you, not calling me?”58Please respect copyright.PENANAMnpAUA0tsG
He was still not responding, and I was working myself into a frenzy.58Please respect copyright.PENANAHaPjRRdkkE
“You’re just a . . . a stubborn jackass! I’m not going anywhere, do you understand me? You are stuck with me. If I have to drive up to that prison and stand outside all day, every day, ‘til you sign that form, I’ll do it. You are not getting rid of me that easy. So don’t even think I’m walking away from you!”58Please respect copyright.PENANAwVm6dit5WG
Still, there was silence. I began to wonder if he’d hung up. But listening closer, I could hear his shallow breathing. The kind of breaths you take when you’re crying.58Please respect copyright.PENANAzXd1Ykp8LH
“For God’s sake, Blue, say something!”58Please respect copyright.PENANAZJHR87RXLf
There was another long pause. “Eight years is too long, Keegan,” he finally said, sighing, his voice small and miserable. “It’s just too long. I can’t let you wait around for me, don’t you get that? I can’t do it.”58Please respect copyright.PENANAm2N3m256UL
“You have no choice. Do you get that, Blue? You. Have. No. Choice.”58Please respect copyright.PENANAbEC6Lm6EZf
My body couldn’t decide at that moment whether to start screaming again or break down crying.58Please respect copyright.PENANASk5KBfXXbl
“I’m waiting.” Now I'm half shouting and half crying. “And you are not shutting me out!"58Please respect copyright.PENANAfRzLc3W8yE
I let my words hang there a moment. Then I went on a tad more calmly.58Please respect copyright.PENANA5UpTuQDe4b
"Besides, it won’t be eight years. Don’t you remember the clemency board Holmlund talked about? We already have a plan on that. So don’t think you’re getting rid of me. I told you, I will come up to that prison and stand outside of it every fucking day until you let me in. And I mean it!”58Please respect copyright.PENANANu5fplxq4v
He did eventually sign the form, and Maria and I started taking turns driving up to see Blue. And he started calling me at the ranch as often as he could.58Please respect copyright.PENANAy2LVQJBHj7
It wasn’t nearly enough. But it was better than nothing.58Please respect copyright.PENANAIAvoiaWZKd
And that’s where Blue's music started to help. It was out there, being consumed, being shared, moving hearts and minds. Frasier Bryson was doing everything in his power to tell Blue's story, to advocate for him.58Please respect copyright.PENANA7RwbHkB7tQ
At the same time, Virginia was pulling political strings, calling in favors.58Please respect copyright.PENANAsP7cVi9kmr
All of us—me, Holmlund, Virginia, Maria, Bryson —threw ourselves into the effort to get clemency for Blue.58Please respect copyright.PENANAmY4ZIJGQNu
His conviction generated headlines around the world, and we did everything possible to keep his name and face and cause in the public eye for those nine long months before he could apply.58Please respect copyright.PENANAciiLZNI7QP
And public opinion started to change. You could feel it.58Please respect copyright.PENANAS4TOJVAVwC
I mean, there were still plenty of haters out there. I tried to avoid seeing the venom online. We still had to be careful with our own security.58Please respect copyright.PENANApvUX2Ifon3
But by the time Holmlund filed an appeal with the clemency board, public sympathy for Blue seemed at an all-time high.58Please respect copyright.PENANACdvDnsahX9
And when the board met, Cunny’s mom miraculously showed up to speak on Blue’s behalf, saying she believed clemency was what her son would want.58Please respect copyright.PENANA1j3eiJJTBF
Blue broke down and sobbed as she spoke. So did I.58Please respect copyright.PENANAZofAc3RClY
Even with all that, though, it took almost a year. The board dithered and delayed its decision. Holmlund said there must have been some strong opposition to granting Blue clemency.58Please respect copyright.PENANAdJ3GKzw4yg
But finally—finally—we got word he would be released just after his three-year incarceration date.58Please respect copyright.PENANA6dPkSFaYXm
And now, I’m on the highway, almost to the Leavenworth exit. I’m going to pick him up, bring him home to the ranch.58Please respect copyright.PENANAF7ED8ehVJN
Maria was kind enough to let me come by myself, to give us a little time alone together. She’s waiting at the ranch for him, along with Bryson.58Please respect copyright.PENANAE5fuYrvaBg
They’re a couple now. I guess when they met, they made an instant connection. Kind of like me and Blue.58Please respect copyright.PENANAFGu2z5LY27
They were scared to tell Blue about it at first. They didn’t know how he’d react. But he’s been okay with it. In fact, I think he’s thrilled.58Please respect copyright.PENANAiFa8Efg0y8
“Who would have thought?” he laughed in our last phone call. “Bryson and my mom.”58Please respect copyright.PENANAlnDPdc3ELW
I’m beyond excited to get Blue out of prison. My body and my soul have ached for him every day, every second, that’s he been away. I’ve driven myself crazy thinking about what he’s gone through at Leavenworth.58Please respect copyright.PENANAvw2ormmzIz
I can’t wait for him to touch me, hold me, make love to me. I want him to be rough and tender and crazed with passion and wild with adoration, all at the same time.58Please respect copyright.PENANAwzdhbR2Whp
But I’m also nervous about our reunion. About how it will be between us. Three years is a long time, and inevitably, we’ve both changed.58Please respect copyright.PENANAg7uKlUm3el
Blue’s sadder, more introspective. I can see it in his eyes when I visit, hear it in his words.58Please respect copyright.PENANAKu1o4TOcXa
He’s been a model prisoner, teaching music classes to inmates, writing more songs. He’s a better, stronger person now, I think.58Please respect copyright.PENANACLcipfa4NV
I’ve changed, too. At least I hope I have. The last three years have helped me grow up.58Please respect copyright.PENANAod0PTFuIyX
I’ve spent a lot of my time with my grandmother, helping care for her. That nagging cough that’s dogged her was diagnosed as lung cancer not long after Blue’s conviction.58Please respect copyright.PENANAayFWTOse0J
Just when it felt like we were getting closer, building the kind of relationship we should have had all along, I may be about to lose her.58Please respect copyright.PENANA9bd5vBmzkE
I don’t know how much longer she has. The doctors say probably not more than a year. But they don’t understand what a tough old bird Virginia Cooke is. She may surprise us all.58Please respect copyright.PENANAyScgWeLQXb
She’s still prickly, still regularly gets under my skin. But I understand her a lot better now.58Please respect copyright.PENANAre6HWqfxvT
I’m about to finish my degree at OU. I couldn’t bring myself to go back to Ikana, assuming they’d have let me come back. It just wouldn’t be the same.58Please respect copyright.PENANARKGTNuqgb6
And I’ve applied for law school. Not because my grandmother wanted it, but because, after what we’ve experienced, I’m a lot more interested in becoming a lawyer than I ever thought I’d be.58Please respect copyright.PENANAzrBPonR77U
I might still go into journalism. But I like the idea of having a law degree as well.58Please respect copyright.PENANA1Yd9qDKXO6
In a surprising turn of events, my brother is now a student at Ikana. Buick is apparently breaking hearts all over campus.58Please respect copyright.PENANAHYK2YxrUiN
But that’s another story.58Please respect copyright.PENANAFSyzVJht1F
I see the Leavenworth sign up ahead and turn on my signal.58Please respect copyright.PENANA2qzdB9b4hI
“I’m almost there, Blue,” I say. “I’m almost there.”58Please respect copyright.PENANA2lnNLNenwX
~~~
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