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午餐用膳後，男生們大多會將多餘時間花在學校操場，或場上打籃球，或場外觀賽。我亦不例外，在場邊與同學輕聲討論打球技巧。忘形之際，一個籃球高速自後側飛來，狠狠砸中我右耳耳背。場中男生上前向我連聲道歉，我只道不要緊。男生拾球後繼續回場較勁，沒把事情放心上。當然，我也沒所謂，小事一椿。264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡf18Aco7d3G
264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0pO4Z4Wr4E
令我在意的反倒是球場另邊有個陌生男生對我微笑。264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4CrAB9IImI
264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcV80PM3rCt
匆匆一笑，半秒即逝。他轉頭跟身邊友人繼續說說笑笑。我挺肯定自己想多了——對方不是故意對著我笑，僅是他的站立姿勢及面向角度湊巧朝著我這邊來。264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVL1fio6x3R
264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvx8Lo9Hi88
但我還是記住了那抹笑容，記住了他的臉容氣質，記住日光照在他臉營造出來的明暗。264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgLr9sQEhd7
264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqA2zParyx3
為何記住？我解釋不了。264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNL6FMkCFz7
264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWKqP5uOhxa
好幾個月過去，夏天轉換為冬。颯颯寒風成功減少場邊女生數目，男生仍然在此閒聊逛蕩。同行朋友忽爾興起，動身到場裡打球。我笑笑婉拒，說吃飽想睡不想動。264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1m594Q0FcR
264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuls6ryQ49B
我獨坐長椅一邊，納悶之際，兩個男生前來佔坐長椅另端空位。264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡco4bVu6DU0
264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ72p0d9EmBd
其中一個是他。264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgsu62y13QT
264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6LtV7YBLTc
那笑那臉那明暗，歷歷在目。264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡb0RCSks2XK
264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEWoDkbgJk5
心頭一顫，我馬上別過臉去。數秒後，我稍為冷靜，意識到自己的失態，佯裝無異，繼續觀看球賽。不過他似乎察覺我的異樣，有意無意對我展露笑容——一個意味深長的笑容。264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeYimXt5ZQa
264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsZZDFRq8Sb
我尷尬離座回課室去。走樓梯至三樓時，他竟從後叫住我。264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFaySIhdzY5
264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaXmx9NCqXU
「你遺下銀包。」264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5UIwKKWKwP
264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5v1GaZkYoi
「謝謝。」264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqanXSHLoCs
264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDGJxBintQU
「不用客氣……」264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbUOLbLeCsM
264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKDFV8FN3Ak
奇怪。看他忸怩模樣，他似乎還有話要對我說。說甚麼？不是必須相識的陌生人可以如何打開話題？甚或是「為何要展開話題」？264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUKnVMVd9xF
264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUdRWBFBlR9
氣氛尷尬，四目交投，卻不知如何是好。264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSQmA0YJfAS
264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPe8qjLI0el
直至提著半滿水桶和微濕地拖的校工在我倆之間經過，彼此才回過神來，甚有默契同時分別從兩個方向離開。我往上，他往下。264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWlEuEQp2MV
264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡv7TujUuWQS
誰料在午飯時間完結後，我們還是在五樓走廊再次碰面——原來我們都是中五生。由於班別不同、社交圈子不重疊，所以未曾正式認識。264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡc6FRMK8dHI
264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡE17ue4sEsY
不要緊。現在互相自我介紹就可以。264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡILLPgqsJba
264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPBx8fFwmJu
「我是文班許家偉。」264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡS78jmQvRdB
264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHEPIvfKTr0
「我是理班李浩榮。」264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQz8W9y0WtW
其實我早已知道許家偉。264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡskaA5hJLGK
264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcLv3Tf8KYe
我心儀對象就是喜歡許家偉。264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuYJPXWDzig
264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtR8pyuuBME
被拒絕的心情久久不散。我開始留意許家偉這個人。264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1NLqfFaksX
264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTVE9S402D6
拜託阿強向文班生打探有關許家偉的事。某文班生說許家偉無啥特別，亦無專長或短處，是個存在感不強的乖學生。264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlyUtMyL3Ur
264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjswuiJrKMi
我不明所以——為何心儀對象看上他？264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvQWXEI2y0J
264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYtLd4oxRmq
不是認為心儀對象定要接受我或是對方必須比我優勝，只是我真的找不到許家偉有何可愛之處。264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWLMF7M6Rpk
264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3mGhimlvKN
不服氣。264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdlhJSF854O
264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvfURMbaWtE
繼續觀察他。264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBk8ACnOAe3
264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡI3zuEJ9UIm
匆匆數月，秋去冬來，我對許家偉好奇不減。264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7O1oTITWRP
264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUPlXdzBic2
某天午餐後，我和阿強發現許家偉獨坐操場長椅，於是立即齊齊上前佔據長椅另端，近距離觀察他。他似乎發現我們的奇異目光，動身離開。正感沒趣，阿強發現地上有一個銀包。查看內裡，看見許家偉的學生證。264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhuFT32Apkc
264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtK8kmq1n5B
阿強建議取走內裡金錢和學生證，再將銀包交到校務處。我反對，擔心惹禍上身。阿強問我是否討厭許家偉。我無正面回應，僅是堅持物歸原主。阿強讓步，將銀包遞給我。264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8mctxTZcAd
264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYirn9Ya11c
我急步追趕許家偉。264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3a0Wc8QilE
264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoVHvWEF5hg
不明白自己此刻行為。正如阿強所問，我不是討厭許家偉嗎？人前，我一直表達對許家偉的討厭；人後，我曾多次理性分析過自己有沒有討厭他的實質理由。沒有，尤其在我對心儀對象忘情以後。264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4XdNaGyhz8
264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpEaS84BH0g
奈何留意許家偉經已成為我的習慣。264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdXQC3A8zuM
264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡs3VeVcUGk0
遠遠看見他的身影，我自然而然打起十二分精神；聽到心儀對象與好友聊天時提及許家偉，我對他的好奇大於對心儀對象的；走經中五級壁報板，會不經意試找許家偉的名字……264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4o0slidA6c
264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzWGT1qzdrN
「你遺下了銀包。」264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMZ5HMfSWrz
264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlTMtwi2XRi
「謝謝。」264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzx00bDCUyC
264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUVFADCyjQq
「不用客氣……」264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbsrhL4X14B
264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwvJ4ZklW1j
經已物歸原主。他道謝，我虛應，然後該是沒有然後。但我們還是愣在原地。264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡo918OqUlgY
264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8oiFSnuLeT
該要說甚麼？還需要說甚麼？沒有啊！但我們還是原地愣著。264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0CwK1mpF3M
264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfK2kAMI6K3
他是否一早知道我？他是否早已察覺我在留意他？不會吧……264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfOHF9ku7v4
264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJiJy6L3NuT
我望入他雙眼。264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2pHEoA7Ggf
264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcFCLBZsKH0
不。我鐵定他不認識我。他的眼神迷惘疑惑忐忑，似乎在期待甚麼……264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPnMfA0P2GN
264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbgN2D7JvMG
一名校工在我和許家偉之間走過。我在視線被阻擋當刻回過神來，低頭轉身離開。264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLvdGcQWjbH
264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡW8CIgZWXPH
我回到操場側長椅。阿強仍在，問我有否教訓許家偉一頓。我苦笑罵他發神經。阿強收起笑容，認真勸我別壓抑情緒。我說理解許家偉是無辜的，不會繼續討厭他。264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMoePTtLQVs
264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6T3A3n65vL
上課鈴聲響起，學生魚貫回課室去。人群中，我在五樓走廊與許家偉迎個正著。他驚訝之情洋溢於表。我反倒開懷笑了，笑他遲鈍，後知後覺。264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnDYOKosI3J
264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyelLYdkSbz
許家偉臉紅，禮貌地點點頭，上前自我介紹。264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVZ1nrPw5UO
264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSf99Iepbwa
「我是文班許家偉。」264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhcM409J3mb
264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOKur3HhXER
「我是理班李浩榮。」264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXgZRqqTLB1
畢業多年，我跟李浩榮從未聯絡過——當我這麼講，舊生聚會上人人皆表出乎意料：「你們當年那麼要好，竟然未曾聯絡一次？」264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbRRF89PR89
264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡg5x0kIbthZ
我笑笑點頭，不多解釋。264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9xCiLRoZzP
264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtKE6lYEKnl
畢業禮當晚，他告訴我，他的心儀對象喜歡我。我問他那女生是誰，我可以當面拒絕她。他說不必，因為他已不愛他。我感到奇怪：如已釋懷，為何重提。264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4JuwMbc4Jo
264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTjBc1KMHca
李浩榮笑笑，笑說他已覺悟，明白人的真正作用。264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcFfRliGtz9
264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnZn0EClmIg
聽到這莫名其妙的答案，我就知道他醉了——他喝下很多酒。264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxS7rPHKpUa
264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyau16131Yj
他說人的真正作用就是將另外兩個不相識的人串連在一起，或是把深交的兩個人分開，例如那女生無意間將我帶到他的人生當中，而我又無意間成為他和青梅竹馬鬧翻原因。264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVQvsR8bYi1
264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJNPTeSesBB
我大概聽出話裡的話。有點難過，有點無奈，有點害怕——害怕今晚坦白心聲以後，我和李浩榮再無交集。264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡY0s7meYQxe
264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEU16P9hoQb
但我沒有阻止他。264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTqXzrG4RaU
264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLrut5O7Uv4
他壓抑已久，情感需要釋放。這很可能是我以朋友身份給他的最後禮物。264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYJDKhKcGUR
264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKzxzii0iss
我慫恿他繼續說下去。264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡs3bOis40oq
264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3YrVwxuejx
他跟阿強相識於幼稚園。他倆都是頑皮孩子，經常氣得老師向父母投訴，父母夜裡就來一頓痛打。他們經常看到對方手腫腳瘀，起初會擔心對方身體，後來發現彼此不怕捱打，只怕玩得不痛快。相顧輕笑，再玩再捱打……玩著捱著，二人同甘共苦十四年，彼此之間有一種難以言喻的默契——只有阿強看出他非但未曾討厭我，反倒羨慕我的不起眼。264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡi4NZsRG1YH
264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHh7O9BQ2oZ
我好奇李浩榮何解會羨慕不起眼的人。264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ403Eg51Wo2
264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjcYgM9vkXS
「不被注意、不被期望，方能活得自由稱心。」264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWLlR9eUn7c
264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkteFosItpx
我問他是否有煩惱，可以向我傾訴，也許我能想出好辦法。264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnjncXabJmM
264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡenGTAj9lB8
李浩榮報以苦笑，沒有正面回答。264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgLHLy0FTJ5
264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSqJMOKP3mz
那夜，他喝得爛醉，我送他回家。264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQWA5IvAkKI
264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIKZh6mE6iP
伯母應門。是個凶神惡煞的中年婦，語調急促，不帶尾音。她接過李浩榮，留下一句道謝，利落關門。264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmsAo4HvXmi
264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡV70E5F6aL3
門關。心頭若有所失——感覺永遠不會再見到李浩榮。264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9nIX3FyTyy
264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYBV19HAeGY
其實沒甚麼大不了。這是人生必經的離合過程。不會令我受到任何傷害，亦不會令我蒙受任何損失。著實沒甚麼大不了。264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDURuCZahig
264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzDPgupTbkM
但我掛念他。264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwtFAeEDdFA
264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwUqbaGNfHM
不是偶然想起，不是遇上麻煩、需要向他求助，不是看見眼熟物件進而聯想。沒錯，是真正的掛念——我無法自欺。264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDFMpBRRS1m
264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡz1mNlej9q4
想起他，我不期然會笑；想起他，我感覺窩心；想起他，我會自覺孤單可憐。264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡINZ9JUqh5x
264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFCJTb5oR44
我漸漸意識到這是甚麼一回事。264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqGCb4QQQ17
264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXlHewZ7RZQ
糟糕了！怎麼辦？怎麼辦！不知道。264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuhPgaM8YSb
264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡea5xjsrYst
不要說。不要聽。不要見。264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLBxJ6R35dd
264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmSzmWGCTQA
希望時間會沖淡一切。264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡecWitMUlbJ
依稀記得畢業翌日在自家客廳梳化醒來的畫面。264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7QFRoQ5yc3
264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2NTDUN8VYf
首先映入眼簾的是極端的光與暗、黑與白——廳燈沒有亮起，窗外日光耀眼得刺痛，室內與室外亮度差異極大。眼睛無法於短時間內適應，煞是暈眩，有一股酸餿灼熱自胸腔冒升。想吐。沒法吐。264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvge84izDgI
264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuqtg93tSq2
阿媽沒有理會我，背對我在廚房煲湯。她對著湯煲說：「昨晚是他送你回來。」264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQUwrWwxb1I
264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCzYFqEiy9q
我敵不過暈眩與劇烈頭痛，重新軟癱梳化上。沒回話打算，反正阿媽定會繼續說下去。264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡefvVug6bds
264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcQm9yqe2gL
「我不明白你為何喜歡他。」264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5EpwmhZ1p0
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「我也不明白。」264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡipPOETd4aZ
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「那就不要繼續喜歡。」264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAOKdmfXSAW
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「感覺，並非可以自由控制的。」264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIDaXthC6jX
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「我亦無法自由控制我的兒子喜歡誰。」264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAG3jwDySgJ
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「我也無法自由選擇誰是我的母親。」264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRoGm5uqGY8
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「真抱歉——未得你同意就把你生下來。」264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPaWkj0PCCC
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「你該要對我感到抱歉。」264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZjaYGEUlag
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我晦氣，毫不掩飾對她的討厭。264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxWSB3uMhVg
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阿媽沒再多話，繼續在廚房忙著。264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9BEzeBzUbc
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真要命。人生就是那麼多無謂紛擾。我的人生屬於我，為何旁人總愛插手？264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLPF7MVWhL6
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抵著頭痛，我硬撐起身子小便去。264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡd11wGXEsxO
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在抽氣扇綿延不斷的摩打聲襯托下，小便聲清脆得噁心。噁感令我清醒不少，昨晚回憶開始隱約浮現。264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWN2rEsZmY9
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我似乎講過一些不該出口的話。264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlCUUF7oo4s
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真的嗎？我真的把話說出口？264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvUsvpeUeaM
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為何這麼驚訝？阿強醉倒後，我特意喝下更多酒，不就是為了把話講出口嗎？264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLGMd2st4GS
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便意盡，醉意消，騰出來的腦空間被後悔和自責分佔了。我呆上半晌才提起褲子洗手去。264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡquG5rc0HK3
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為何要走到這一步？264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjU3SjHmtZN
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阿強早已看出我對許家偉的感情，擔心我走上「歪路」。我有點兒生氣——誰有資格定義這是否歪路。阿強自知沒能說服我，乾脆將觀察所得告訴我媽。性格暴躁的阿媽一反常態，冷靜淡然勸我切勿繼續投放感情。264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhD19iffDui
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「世人表裡不一。口說開明，實質守舊。」264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJd2suITiBY
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「是嗎？你呢？你口說放棄，心底裡在支持我吧？」264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMt4lDFxKEs
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「別倔強。」264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHup895od0f
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「我想要知道你的真正想法！別敷衍！別蒙混！」264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjUj1grW5eW
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「我想你放棄。」264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQ3teVsFwq1
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「原因？」264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡe8O7wuubFw
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「現實終歸是現實的。你將要面對的困難並非單靠信念、希望和愛情就可以解決。」264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpwdij1fv9Z
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「我知道。」264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQpUWQKuy5A
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「何解還要繼續下去？」264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4UUyowGG64
264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAFwshMp7Yl
「感情易放難收。」264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsCN6D65MY9
264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqVmvg163uy
阿媽沒法回嘴——「感情」一詞明確否定了邏輯和理智，她還有何話可說，只得被動地待我回心轉意。264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyqFpHDUmhF
264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOwh4yqJjZf
傍晚，我約見阿強，在公園暗處與他打一架。我們手腫腳瘀，有如兒時被父母教訓一樣。看著彼此頹喪模樣，我既心痛亦生氣——我們的友誼不該淪落至此！我們該可以當一輩子兄弟手足！264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBjEuzvogJM
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架後，我沒有留下片言隻字，待身體稍稍恢復後首先離開回家去，懶理阿強依然躺在草地上粗喘不已。264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhaN4zbBLFK
264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpQQ1n9vNlC
阿媽見我身上有傷，許是大概明白那是甚麼一回事，沒有多問，亦不予關心。264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuqUJ5KUGPq
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我不在意，一心思考如何在畢業禮當晚向許家偉表白……264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCRBkZ5RsRK
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畢業禮，是終結也是新開始。學生們穿戴整齊，戰戰兢兢上台領受證書。莘莘學子前途未卜，能夠掌握在手的只有當下。今朝有酒今朝醉，齊齊喝酒齊齊醉。264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXLD7QSO7DL
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阿強取來一支烈酒，邀我對飲：「追求真愛不是那麼容易。至少要比我更能喝。」264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYR0p88h9lS
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我欣然接受。他很了解我，許是估計到我將會乘著酒意找許家偉表白去。我唯一擺脫阿強的方法就是先把他灌醉。我們都不是省油的燈，自小經常一起偷偷喝酒，十分清楚對方酒量和醉態——一旦倒下，沒有廿四小時可醒不過來。264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkfLWKFC4Oh
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小醉。半醉。大醉。264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdFgmjo8S4y
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阿強半伏枱邊，傻笑問我：「想好如何表白了沒？」264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNHJRbMYLq6
264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡF43WK9msby
「直接講我愛他。」264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2yP2e5SuCY
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「如果他拒絕？」264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0cnk71QW9N
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「沒怎麼樣。就像我之前被女同學拒絕那樣。」264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwLzboaP1xi
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「如果他接受了？那怎麼辦？」264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1dnR1i9RhQ
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「我當然是高興！」264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQSlfw2ZHSg
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「我在問，他會怎麼辦？你認為他的內心強大得能夠與你共同面對往後一切？」264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡt4Maz8o13G
264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡs7PdxOGkDA
阿強問了一個我沒有想及的問題。264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXpQfMq86Ar
事隔四十年，我和李浩榮在阿強的喪禮上再次聚頭。264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3nUEZ4HwwX
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李浩榮說他在畢業禮後與阿強斷絕了聯絡。我為此道歉。他問我為何道歉。我重提他酒後那段說話。他反問我是否真的認為過錯在我。我答不肯定——我無心令他們鬧翻，但我確是他們鬧翻的原因。264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjK8C88kGOe
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李浩榮苦笑，笑容意味深長。264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡctLt5WhEn1
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「阿強沒講錯。你真懦弱。」264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWS6i9YDHjg
264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2v806vfhuW
「活了那麼多年，經歷那麼多事情，我不得不承認自己的懦弱。」264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2HUxO3fGMU
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「你仍然單身？」264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRKxcDIO2yn
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「是的。」264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBo9RIyouI5
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「要我當媒嗎？」264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXazb7tPglD
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「不了。難為情。」264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡe4OpS0qhVF
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李浩榮失笑，笑我不值得被愛。264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaIJhVfQHnZ
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我陪笑，笑說我懂得珍愛自己就可以。264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTgRbiNB3VN
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多寒暄幾句，我和李浩榮相互道別，分道揚鑣不復見。264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡX9Y4W8R3Xy
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抬頭望天，天陰雨冷，冷入心脾。264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDyzuiLgxS9
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回家吧。264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfHtSWzFbat
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開門。門後空洞空虛空蕩蕩。264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxJ3dG6DSWL
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「戚戚慘慘悽悽，清清冷冷，覓覓尋尋。」興之所至，我一邊脫鞋，一邊倒背《聲聲慢》首三句。264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDMtyYAExNH
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「尋他千百度，驀然回首，那人卻在燈火闌珊處。」沒有脫襪，懶洋洋得撲到梳化上，順口接上《青玉案．元夕》末句。264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeA6DqAH5iv
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枕臂望窗，映入眼簾的是極端的光與暗、黑與白——廳燈沒有亮起，窗外日光耀眼得刺痛，室內與室外亮度差異極大。驀地憶起日光照在他臉營造出來的明暗，憶起他的臉容氣質，憶起那抹笑容。264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZLynQw4N1m
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大概是一見鍾情吧。264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8zIuCNptzB
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奈何我當年愚鈍懵懂，後知後覺。264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡP3xrshP4gk
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如果我當年及早清楚知道自己的意向，結果會否不一樣？264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLLX5zXkbMu
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我笑自己想多了：結果會是一樣的。264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0BJNxKAxuk
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我是懦弱的人，我珍愛自己，所以我不會為他人冒險。我寧願花上一輩子去幻想錯過了的美好愛情，亦不會勇敢踏前一步去追求愛情。264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡATpwTyuy6r
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李浩榮說得沒錯，我不值得被愛。264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3CuI0LhK9l
事隔四十年，昔日摯友躺在棺材裡，往日心上人站在我面前。264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2WZhh3Ezkj
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百感交集……264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRrrJf2J10x
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當年我為了許家偉與阿強鬧翻，事後亦沒敢聯絡許家偉。同時失去摯友和心上人，情感上的痛令我失眠了好幾年。那時候，還以為痛楚會一直維持下去，有如浪漫淒美感人的愛情電影情節。264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡySPip9R9RE
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不過電影終究與現實不同：角色的難忘遭遇濃縮在短短一個半小時裡，情感故此顯得激烈而深刻；現實中的情感必須經過時間洗禮和加入許多愛情以外因素，例如家庭、工作、健康、個人財政等等。264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKmFNEsXlTo
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痛楚自然而然被淡化掉。我漸漸忘了阿強的忠肝義膽和許家偉的獨特魅力，直至今日再聚……264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQjgn8mfEmx
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「認得我嗎？我是許家偉。」264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsqwumbQ57a
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「認得。你是文班的。」264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡP97zC4Gr8o
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許家偉淺笑，笑容如昔，淡然清雅溫婉。264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXSqQdgxx3Z
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閒聊之間，發現他仍然單身。究其原因，他只道難為情。264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYg8nakcpKI
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「你不值得被愛。」我蔑笑。264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSOKv1Ay3xT
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四十年過去，許家偉仍是當初那個許家偉。264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡh7fG0Sw81Q
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阿強沒講錯——他的內心不會強大得能夠與我共同面對一切。264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡc1YuhUSlp9
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「我懂得珍愛自己就可以。」許家偉笑著說。264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlXWVEC8Prc
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許家偉在認真？他真心認為這是珍愛自己的行徑？264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡurhhhrqaMq
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我哭笑不得。264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrRjAiFkT65
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無意跟他繼續對話。264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaUrKuwGNZe
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多寒暄幾句，我和許家偉相互道別，分道揚鑣不復見。264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbPHnciqGDo
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抬頭望天，天陰雨冷，冷入心脾。
註：此篇會收錄於短篇小說集《雜念集》內。264Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpsJugpBZgs
