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午餐用膳後，男生們大多會將多餘時間花在學校操場，或場上打籃球，或場外觀賽。我亦不例外，在場邊與同學輕聲討論打球技巧。忘形之際，一個籃球高速自後側飛來，狠狠砸中我右耳耳背。場中男生上前向我連聲道歉，我只道不要緊。男生拾球後繼續回場較勁，沒把事情放心上。當然，我也沒所謂，小事一椿。221Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZrebLxVzmm
221Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0oHNomy3XT
令我在意的反倒是球場另邊有個陌生男生對我微笑。221Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡM3EF4LHRfJ
221Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAB6fyFwzgl
匆匆一笑，半秒即逝。他轉頭跟身邊友人繼續說說笑笑。我挺肯定自己想多了——對方不是故意對著我笑，僅是他的站立姿勢及面向角度湊巧朝著我這邊來。221Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkhwxoJBAHt
221Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOsZcRtC3SI
但我還是記住了那抹笑容，記住了他的臉容氣質，記住日光照在他臉營造出來的明暗。221Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLU7isgwYnI
221Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3o6r5aYi0m
為何記住？我解釋不了。221Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjix0tsdztp
221Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡddTmeV7MxR
好幾個月過去，夏天轉換為冬。颯颯寒風成功減少場邊女生數目，男生仍然在此閒聊逛蕩。同行朋友忽爾興起，動身到場裡打球。我笑笑婉拒，說吃飽想睡不想動。221Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4EIBi4PxEs
221Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCj3Jp0pyAN
我獨坐長椅一邊，納悶之際，兩個男生前來佔坐長椅另端空位。221Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7ncPljDeFE
221Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡt7CxHqLnnR
其中一個是他。221Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡr8QyqB8Edv
221Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAMAR6EdNFA
那笑那臉那明暗，歷歷在目。221Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZ4i86nKm4x
221Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCCBTzg11Hp
心頭一顫，我馬上別過臉去。數秒後，我稍為冷靜，意識到自己的失態，佯裝無異，繼續觀看球賽。不過他似乎察覺我的異樣，有意無意對我展露笑容——一個意味深長的笑容。221Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnZruRC34Sl
221Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoqWz4IfgOW
我尷尬離座回課室去。走樓梯至三樓時，他竟從後叫住我。221Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKRYm37TEEl
221Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaNPAknUe3V
「你遺下銀包。」221Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8CFAUcTwiM
221Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ69lSKW4ybb
「謝謝。」221Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPCkK8deEKq
221Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡz4gyj8UhMu
「不用客氣……」221Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNy75cmIJYK
221Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVfeEsXKYrS
奇怪。看他忸怩模樣，他似乎還有話要對我說。說甚麼？不是必須相識的陌生人可以如何打開話題？甚或是「為何要展開話題」？221Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡieaqNgWaB3
221Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCUmDyTTF0R
氣氛尷尬，四目交投，卻不知如何是好。221Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0bsZyXhDHx
221Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoWjWZpg9sG
直至提著半滿水桶和微濕地拖的校工在我倆之間經過，彼此才回過神來，甚有默契同時分別從兩個方向離開。我往上，他往下。221Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡb6sgZGCdsE
221Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfPcrGd8Jhn
誰料在午飯時間完結後，我們還是在五樓走廊再次碰面——原來我們都是中五生。由於班別不同、社交圈子不重疊，所以未曾正式認識。221Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡY4kTIWVtGw
221Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSr1lIEjMhj
不要緊。現在互相自我介紹就可以。221Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGCQI5FOZOr
221Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJkalUMVwsv
「我是文班許家偉。」221Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡl5sj7lAi2r
221Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0aEACi2Kc2
「我是理班李浩榮。」221Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXlQLbhIqy1
其實我早已知道許家偉。221Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYlZgFt4pCx
221Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7OoPcVR8pQ
我心儀對象就是喜歡許家偉。221Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYdQHmJLvZ1
221Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmnXCNbPylp
被拒絕的心情久久不散。我開始留意許家偉這個人。221Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOSiW35lm4r
221Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡV1uxfKOXv1
拜託阿強向文班生打探有關許家偉的事。某文班生說許家偉無啥特別，亦無專長或短處，是個存在感不強的乖學生。221Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4peT7zID8x
221Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJsjZb7GOIb
我不明所以——為何心儀對象看上他？221Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡb78uVFZHBU
221Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDYRat9mRY0
不是認為心儀對象定要接受我或是對方必須比我優勝，只是我真的找不到許家偉有何可愛之處。221Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIvgc6JBajC
221Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyE9mPHjUCM
不服氣。221Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4yA5n0iBhP
221Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgwmzZtYFMk
繼續觀察他。221Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVbUXnWTFkp
221Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoexSULfRXU
匆匆數月，秋去冬來，我對許家偉好奇不減。221Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5YyXv8gXOx
221Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYvrAL7hsiX
某天午餐後，我和阿強發現許家偉獨坐操場長椅，於是立即齊齊上前佔據長椅另端，近距離觀察他。他似乎發現我們的奇異目光，動身離開。正感沒趣，阿強發現地上有一個銀包。查看內裡，看見許家偉的學生證。221Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcT4Y6qdnGd
221Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwFcbliwXmx
阿強建議取走內裡金錢和學生證，再將銀包交到校務處。我反對，擔心惹禍上身。阿強問我是否討厭許家偉。我無正面回應，僅是堅持物歸原主。阿強讓步，將銀包遞給我。221Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡs69V8eAMEZ
221Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYUnRQ1XqIb
我急步追趕許家偉。221Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3JyX4HgcJI
221Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkWlwOQslwO
不明白自己此刻行為。正如阿強所問，我不是討厭許家偉嗎？人前，我一直表達對許家偉的討厭；人後，我曾多次理性分析過自己有沒有討厭他的實質理由。沒有，尤其在我對心儀對象忘情以後。221Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEJcLEFonfv
221Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJ6c9JS6dU9
奈何留意許家偉經已成為我的習慣。221Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡg0aoXVVzrD
221Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRzYMi65xE7
遠遠看見他的身影，我自然而然打起十二分精神；聽到心儀對象與好友聊天時提及許家偉，我對他的好奇大於對心儀對象的；走經中五級壁報板，會不經意試找許家偉的名字……221Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTwzLadhUYN
221Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQg8GHwCMBD
「你遺下了銀包。」221Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJl8CqJ64WL
221Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3NZgHWvdzn
「謝謝。」221Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡA7iuAo8Alv
221Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNgrcZzEote
「不用客氣……」221Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCRb4M2Dd2H
221Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjggyz89ult
經已物歸原主。他道謝，我虛應，然後該是沒有然後。但我們還是愣在原地。221Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6GCmacUGFB
221Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡz4mVVEsUcw
該要說甚麼？還需要說甚麼？沒有啊！但我們還是原地愣著。221Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡD3LDGpyBbw
221Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQ3RJfEEpwX
他是否一早知道我？他是否早已察覺我在留意他？不會吧……221Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmMu73jv2AY
221Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡg91cjp8cMZ
我望入他雙眼。221Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡINNkG07zDV
221Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlSvD3zROw9
不。我鐵定他不認識我。他的眼神迷惘疑惑忐忑，似乎在期待甚麼……221Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡd3c5XfIxtS
221Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7NzlAsGggy
一名校工在我和許家偉之間走過。我在視線被阻擋當刻回過神來，低頭轉身離開。221Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwpOQAoif2C
221Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdr7vqhAZGc
我回到操場側長椅。阿強仍在，問我有否教訓許家偉一頓。我苦笑罵他發神經。阿強收起笑容，認真勸我別壓抑情緒。我說理解許家偉是無辜的，不會繼續討厭他。221Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmdXNFCBFdn
221Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0mDFDcCe1C
上課鈴聲響起，學生魚貫回課室去。人群中，我在五樓走廊與許家偉迎個正著。他驚訝之情洋溢於表。我反倒開懷笑了，笑他遲鈍，後知後覺。221Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡabtiSWJJEk
221Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtfBr0D5dWd
許家偉臉紅，禮貌地點點頭，上前自我介紹。221Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYXwaMntXic
221Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6YYZ6vvjrc
「我是文班許家偉。」221Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKn5oUeStdZ
221Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡipXRCpPYqy
「我是理班李浩榮。」221Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvIfXPKYVji
畢業多年，我跟李浩榮從未聯絡過——當我這麼講，舊生聚會上人人皆表出乎意料：「你們當年那麼要好，竟然未曾聯絡一次？」221Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡN6dtn3hmNg
221Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡq7YNM7rcek
我笑笑點頭，不多解釋。221Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFpNvmeoN6u
221Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8p8HlAyFZX
畢業禮當晚，他告訴我，他的心儀對象喜歡我。我問他那女生是誰，我可以當面拒絕她。他說不必，因為他已不愛他。我感到奇怪：如已釋懷，為何重提。221Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOQj0CYx009
221Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoLEjgqSJo7
李浩榮笑笑，笑說他已覺悟，明白人的真正作用。221Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNdmvArIOrB
221Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡG5LhcVP4A3
聽到這莫名其妙的答案，我就知道他醉了——他喝下很多酒。221Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiTqmt1GIOE
221Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡd4KMDzEyIS
他說人的真正作用就是將另外兩個不相識的人串連在一起，或是把深交的兩個人分開，例如那女生無意間將我帶到他的人生當中，而我又無意間成為他和青梅竹馬鬧翻原因。221Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0lBoKHkATc
221Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡK8LHOSbk1f
我大概聽出話裡的話。有點難過，有點無奈，有點害怕——害怕今晚坦白心聲以後，我和李浩榮再無交集。221Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHL8IKB4rQL
221Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVJXWiApgig
但我沒有阻止他。221Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcfsnh9oiNk
221Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHAf9F0aSFK
他壓抑已久，情感需要釋放。這很可能是我以朋友身份給他的最後禮物。221Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQFynjyAa7e
221Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3kDJ0gPxN2
我慫恿他繼續說下去。221Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGyC08kzltK
221Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtHLXfPTOGt
他跟阿強相識於幼稚園。他倆都是頑皮孩子，經常氣得老師向父母投訴，父母夜裡就來一頓痛打。他們經常看到對方手腫腳瘀，起初會擔心對方身體，後來發現彼此不怕捱打，只怕玩得不痛快。相顧輕笑，再玩再捱打……玩著捱著，二人同甘共苦十四年，彼此之間有一種難以言喻的默契——只有阿強看出他非但未曾討厭我，反倒羨慕我的不起眼。221Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYYjE7wKodt
221Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqTGiIlsUkm
我好奇李浩榮何解會羨慕不起眼的人。221Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡszyR5g0lkx
221Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfTJK3P3kS5
「不被注意、不被期望，方能活得自由稱心。」221Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOZrpP1DOyV
221Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡX6PNCWzdLo
我問他是否有煩惱，可以向我傾訴，也許我能想出好辦法。221Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOAWaR4jFFW
221Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlJghsvBvUp
李浩榮報以苦笑，沒有正面回答。221Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnJHThsFqrb
221Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3y0wbERc9O
那夜，他喝得爛醉，我送他回家。221Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡubTeIWYilX
221Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2t09gplVZU
伯母應門。是個凶神惡煞的中年婦，語調急促，不帶尾音。她接過李浩榮，留下一句道謝，利落關門。221Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtq3DHsEhUZ
221Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqZ27MO008R
門關。心頭若有所失——感覺永遠不會再見到李浩榮。221Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡouR8LoBfKV
221Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7ydOXvAWXa
其實沒甚麼大不了。這是人生必經的離合過程。不會令我受到任何傷害，亦不會令我蒙受任何損失。著實沒甚麼大不了。221Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcWrCBmp6Em
221Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZ1uxdTJjFP
但我掛念他。221Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡh629LZJ6Im
221Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0ntYxEgM8J
不是偶然想起，不是遇上麻煩、需要向他求助，不是看見眼熟物件進而聯想。沒錯，是真正的掛念——我無法自欺。221Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSnykKlN2Z6
221Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCbaxVieyBr
想起他，我不期然會笑；想起他，我感覺窩心；想起他，我會自覺孤單可憐。221Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNyhXOHzUWB
221Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡK20wrNSw76
我漸漸意識到這是甚麼一回事。221Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhMY9W9QKXQ
221Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ63FuSQUd5c
糟糕了！怎麼辦？怎麼辦！不知道。221Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPxQMrdGt2b
221Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpcY8xVkM5f
不要說。不要聽。不要見。221Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLlnsNzkOmF
221Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzZmYVWql7H
希望時間會沖淡一切。221Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡB3JpNCFNHV
依稀記得畢業翌日在自家客廳梳化醒來的畫面。221Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeAFOARTxyn
221Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2wJIrqXtNB
首先映入眼簾的是極端的光與暗、黑與白——廳燈沒有亮起，窗外日光耀眼得刺痛，室內與室外亮度差異極大。眼睛無法於短時間內適應，煞是暈眩，有一股酸餿灼熱自胸腔冒升。想吐。沒法吐。221Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfGSXJMgiSd
221Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIoTi67Agfn
阿媽沒有理會我，背對我在廚房煲湯。她對著湯煲說：「昨晚是他送你回來。」221Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfFvYUCowCw
221Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxdhJWWigIV
我敵不過暈眩與劇烈頭痛，重新軟癱梳化上。沒回話打算，反正阿媽定會繼續說下去。221Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrZBo2CMRH6
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「我不明白你為何喜歡他。」221Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYLUuxGHgbl
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「我也不明白。」221Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQhEVU4SC0H
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「那就不要繼續喜歡。」221Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnfyyHUP6wZ
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「感覺，並非可以自由控制的。」221Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡm8ZowyO9AT
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「我亦無法自由控制我的兒子喜歡誰。」221Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBiMwMNM7cn
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「我也無法自由選擇誰是我的母親。」221Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡU4oNcV8If9
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「真抱歉——未得你同意就把你生下來。」221Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡN5agEKCkLr
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「你該要對我感到抱歉。」221Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ38LfJ3WCL1
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我晦氣，毫不掩飾對她的討厭。221Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTmEBBXiq4o
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阿媽沒再多話，繼續在廚房忙著。221Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡquZh9ZVM6G
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真要命。人生就是那麼多無謂紛擾。我的人生屬於我，為何旁人總愛插手？221Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUrhL7wBi2j
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抵著頭痛，我硬撐起身子小便去。221Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8D2oEglPG0
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在抽氣扇綿延不斷的摩打聲襯托下，小便聲清脆得噁心。噁感令我清醒不少，昨晚回憶開始隱約浮現。221Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZ4wN9HQYTK
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我似乎講過一些不該出口的話。221Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCAFbGyCNLJ
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真的嗎？我真的把話說出口？221Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXhNT5h3LD9
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為何這麼驚訝？阿強醉倒後，我特意喝下更多酒，不就是為了把話講出口嗎？221Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvLbYxWDhg3
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便意盡，醉意消，騰出來的腦空間被後悔和自責分佔了。我呆上半晌才提起褲子洗手去。221Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVz7EPKqRHK
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為何要走到這一步？221Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwoaDuDQIph
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阿強早已看出我對許家偉的感情，擔心我走上「歪路」。我有點兒生氣——誰有資格定義這是否歪路。阿強自知沒能說服我，乾脆將觀察所得告訴我媽。性格暴躁的阿媽一反常態，冷靜淡然勸我切勿繼續投放感情。221Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡalYzON853D
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「世人表裡不一。口說開明，實質守舊。」221Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2C9N968KHO
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「是嗎？你呢？你口說放棄，心底裡在支持我吧？」221Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRsZi6iSGRd
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「別倔強。」221Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2wI5RpgoJV
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「我想要知道你的真正想法！別敷衍！別蒙混！」221Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIMKa7JCbk6
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「我想你放棄。」221Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8thVpdSawI
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「原因？」221Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2Z1h22vLRq
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「現實終歸是現實的。你將要面對的困難並非單靠信念、希望和愛情就可以解決。」221Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhGdv03jkJI
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「我知道。」221Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQRJsQAbGkg
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「何解還要繼續下去？」221Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5DEfCvxNMU
221Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHUAmma8MK0
「感情易放難收。」221Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡktYhnXEPTz
221Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHQXMP7FrVV
阿媽沒法回嘴——「感情」一詞明確否定了邏輯和理智，她還有何話可說，只得被動地待我回心轉意。221Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ44srpLFF0v
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傍晚，我約見阿強，在公園暗處與他打一架。我們手腫腳瘀，有如兒時被父母教訓一樣。看著彼此頹喪模樣，我既心痛亦生氣——我們的友誼不該淪落至此！我們該可以當一輩子兄弟手足！221Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3EOAg6sL8C
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架後，我沒有留下片言隻字，待身體稍稍恢復後首先離開回家去，懶理阿強依然躺在草地上粗喘不已。221Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlCvO6TJwK7
221Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡn1zQCTG6OB
阿媽見我身上有傷，許是大概明白那是甚麼一回事，沒有多問，亦不予關心。221Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7WfzKyrtok
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我不在意，一心思考如何在畢業禮當晚向許家偉表白……221Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLpREjBJHzW
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畢業禮，是終結也是新開始。學生們穿戴整齊，戰戰兢兢上台領受證書。莘莘學子前途未卜，能夠掌握在手的只有當下。今朝有酒今朝醉，齊齊喝酒齊齊醉。221Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9NT5Z4Qa0V
221Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCcYAyhv6KX
阿強取來一支烈酒，邀我對飲：「追求真愛不是那麼容易。至少要比我更能喝。」221Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBbz5EcHyq8
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我欣然接受。他很了解我，許是估計到我將會乘著酒意找許家偉表白去。我唯一擺脫阿強的方法就是先把他灌醉。我們都不是省油的燈，自小經常一起偷偷喝酒，十分清楚對方酒量和醉態——一旦倒下，沒有廿四小時可醒不過來。221Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvcssYzknQU
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小醉。半醉。大醉。221Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1WpgNYjsxP
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阿強半伏枱邊，傻笑問我：「想好如何表白了沒？」221Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOsrkidFzu6
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「直接講我愛他。」221Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡF36G7p1Vvv
221Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡx4pyETk2A3
「如果他拒絕？」221Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡm7KYgIl8BG
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「沒怎麼樣。就像我之前被女同學拒絕那樣。」221Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡID4ZqA2xfW
221Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWOBYKQ0Tql
「如果他接受了？那怎麼辦？」221Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhpxhxzKLrt
221Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaSZCi2gYJ4
「我當然是高興！」221Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwIC1WxyHGA
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「我在問，他會怎麼辦？你認為他的內心強大得能夠與你共同面對往後一切？」221Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUlyhjltjoV
221Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCDBfsei1hl
阿強問了一個我沒有想及的問題。221Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNE3foKZjwA
事隔四十年，我和李浩榮在阿強的喪禮上再次聚頭。221Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVg33ILD45C
221Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsZVDvGPB7R
李浩榮說他在畢業禮後與阿強斷絕了聯絡。我為此道歉。他問我為何道歉。我重提他酒後那段說話。他反問我是否真的認為過錯在我。我答不肯定——我無心令他們鬧翻，但我確是他們鬧翻的原因。221Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5icYVDnWcX
221Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡomtIVAxLnM
李浩榮苦笑，笑容意味深長。221Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfj6hiPMJdi
221Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWtqhsZIA4l
「阿強沒講錯。你真懦弱。」221Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡa5FuG4aFm6
221Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaLsg1XeEvt
「活了那麼多年，經歷那麼多事情，我不得不承認自己的懦弱。」221Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡki2AStE4Zp
221Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFpmZX4cktm
「你仍然單身？」221Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡA1dRLkCCkn
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「是的。」221Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCPfQz78lvr
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「要我當媒嗎？」221Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvPoz09vh7N
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「不了。難為情。」221Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ58RKynjdEP
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李浩榮失笑，笑我不值得被愛。221Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDbQYmRENtx
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我陪笑，笑說我懂得珍愛自己就可以。221Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ90g5WVkCPl
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多寒暄幾句，我和李浩榮相互道別，分道揚鑣不復見。221Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYJB205cO1q
221Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZILTiBJzsD
抬頭望天，天陰雨冷，冷入心脾。221Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmdVNQljw0T
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回家吧。221Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡe70ob8pZPN
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開門。門後空洞空虛空蕩蕩。221Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQy9FACF74k
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「戚戚慘慘悽悽，清清冷冷，覓覓尋尋。」興之所至，我一邊脫鞋，一邊倒背《聲聲慢》首三句。221Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWEa5X66Qgs
221Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡT3CPd5k0rk
「尋他千百度，驀然回首，那人卻在燈火闌珊處。」沒有脫襪，懶洋洋得撲到梳化上，順口接上《青玉案．元夕》末句。221Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXmwWf0VIjD
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枕臂望窗，映入眼簾的是極端的光與暗、黑與白——廳燈沒有亮起，窗外日光耀眼得刺痛，室內與室外亮度差異極大。驀地憶起日光照在他臉營造出來的明暗，憶起他的臉容氣質，憶起那抹笑容。221Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQYnVAipnlH
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大概是一見鍾情吧。221Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡw2VdJahY4u
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奈何我當年愚鈍懵懂，後知後覺。221Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡV9ATBRcSdL
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如果我當年及早清楚知道自己的意向，結果會否不一樣？221Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKJOLH1X1Ia
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我笑自己想多了：結果會是一樣的。221Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSNR4mdR204
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我是懦弱的人，我珍愛自己，所以我不會為他人冒險。我寧願花上一輩子去幻想錯過了的美好愛情，亦不會勇敢踏前一步去追求愛情。221Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6rtEn8DIic
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李浩榮說得沒錯，我不值得被愛。221Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡP6ouOQDN8V
事隔四十年，昔日摯友躺在棺材裡，往日心上人站在我面前。221Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0m3HhliWHQ
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百感交集……221Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOHFtUVDwGo
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當年我為了許家偉與阿強鬧翻，事後亦沒敢聯絡許家偉。同時失去摯友和心上人，情感上的痛令我失眠了好幾年。那時候，還以為痛楚會一直維持下去，有如浪漫淒美感人的愛情電影情節。221Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbfPOBytutl
221Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJWHpOr5jSp
不過電影終究與現實不同：角色的難忘遭遇濃縮在短短一個半小時裡，情感故此顯得激烈而深刻；現實中的情感必須經過時間洗禮和加入許多愛情以外因素，例如家庭、工作、健康、個人財政等等。221Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSaCHQC5Usl
221Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPHJeW5Oihc
痛楚自然而然被淡化掉。我漸漸忘了阿強的忠肝義膽和許家偉的獨特魅力，直至今日再聚……221Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ028d7dsFdW
221Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvcDDArWshS
「認得我嗎？我是許家偉。」221Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXA4wtM954I
221Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKoJXFwLp9w
「認得。你是文班的。」221Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡT9qDiH50pT
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許家偉淺笑，笑容如昔，淡然清雅溫婉。221Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCSbdC2YzJe
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閒聊之間，發現他仍然單身。究其原因，他只道難為情。221Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFNHKro5mqa
221Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUkbrWvQjjh
「你不值得被愛。」我蔑笑。221Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHXUHvWLMhz
221Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡafWWo9gMuy
四十年過去，許家偉仍是當初那個許家偉。221Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlrrwVE8RWS
221Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMJKyOshrxA
阿強沒講錯——他的內心不會強大得能夠與我共同面對一切。221Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHegfGa35iH
221Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmEQiuD7uPZ
「我懂得珍愛自己就可以。」許家偉笑著說。221Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjZ8hNM6Na2
221Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHph39FPHdE
許家偉在認真？他真心認為這是珍愛自己的行徑？221Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdM3D2RV25S
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我哭笑不得。221Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsTIwRjGI5V
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無意跟他繼續對話。221Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiYxl6hHAuo
221Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMkMWamDjK3
多寒暄幾句，我和許家偉相互道別，分道揚鑣不復見。221Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdASAkfCUnx
221Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPWyttVMJEb
抬頭望天，天陰雨冷，冷入心脾。
註：此篇會收錄於短篇小說集《雜念集》內。221Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnMW5ru2ZVH
