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午餐用膳後，男生們大多會將多餘時間花在學校操場，或場上打籃球，或場外觀賽。我亦不例外，在場邊與同學輕聲討論打球技巧。忘形之際，一個籃球高速自後側飛來，狠狠砸中我右耳耳背。場中男生上前向我連聲道歉，我只道不要緊。男生拾球後繼續回場較勁，沒把事情放心上。當然，我也沒所謂，小事一椿。217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJT0lk98aPb
217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5dQNrMM0x4
令我在意的反倒是球場另邊有個陌生男生對我微笑。217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡu4t6NzG097
217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1MQn8s5oRz
匆匆一笑，半秒即逝。他轉頭跟身邊友人繼續說說笑笑。我挺肯定自己想多了——對方不是故意對著我笑，僅是他的站立姿勢及面向角度湊巧朝著我這邊來。217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSQAkxUDvG9
217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡR7OPQiTRtZ
但我還是記住了那抹笑容，記住了他的臉容氣質，記住日光照在他臉營造出來的明暗。217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxuYe7aDkal
217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjcVRBQIqsw
為何記住？我解釋不了。217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7KyeksAYuW
217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVuC6PFmYbi
好幾個月過去，夏天轉換為冬。颯颯寒風成功減少場邊女生數目，男生仍然在此閒聊逛蕩。同行朋友忽爾興起，動身到場裡打球。我笑笑婉拒，說吃飽想睡不想動。217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlozSkbqHTO
217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTPIkLiT2rf
我獨坐長椅一邊，納悶之際，兩個男生前來佔坐長椅另端空位。217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFDcRSU1yf9
217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfKCs8Aszlo
其中一個是他。217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXFbnpP8Uoj
217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYcl4Q6laTV
那笑那臉那明暗，歷歷在目。217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNTtQJs9kzu
217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuAg6aOM7h3
心頭一顫，我馬上別過臉去。數秒後，我稍為冷靜，意識到自己的失態，佯裝無異，繼續觀看球賽。不過他似乎察覺我的異樣，有意無意對我展露笑容——一個意味深長的笑容。217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTBjJwzDeDY
217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1jfJwYdlwB
我尷尬離座回課室去。走樓梯至三樓時，他竟從後叫住我。217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJ1TpJXktRt
217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡojpXuhdbhO
「你遺下銀包。」217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡifBRsce2eZ
217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGhLNwaWUhE
「謝謝。」217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡveguwPwD5K
217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJmmCF4yWrx
「不用客氣……」217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ58WuKD72r5
217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡchATM00ecZ
奇怪。看他忸怩模樣，他似乎還有話要對我說。說甚麼？不是必須相識的陌生人可以如何打開話題？甚或是「為何要展開話題」？217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3aNBOocI6L
217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡB32rVTv9qR
氣氛尷尬，四目交投，卻不知如何是好。217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPY6RIXWPo9
217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9sEIX34nZv
直至提著半滿水桶和微濕地拖的校工在我倆之間經過，彼此才回過神來，甚有默契同時分別從兩個方向離開。我往上，他往下。217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQdZTE07Pmv
217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXMQysZiMGT
誰料在午飯時間完結後，我們還是在五樓走廊再次碰面——原來我們都是中五生。由於班別不同、社交圈子不重疊，所以未曾正式認識。217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ70aMhiDEED
217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpyd6IOlFDA
不要緊。現在互相自我介紹就可以。217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ188Npar0ti
217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkBcakuK2Xh
「我是文班許家偉。」217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡl97sB5RAMA
217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡd72nsgAmCn
「我是理班李浩榮。」217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡASONiJpkIR
其實我早已知道許家偉。217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBmO0lZ9x91
217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡp9KwXANOKj
我心儀對象就是喜歡許家偉。217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQ9gSsk3Bdg
217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfL7GI7DpqI
被拒絕的心情久久不散。我開始留意許家偉這個人。217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoRu5q8Ibzd
217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQXzI54Tzbc
拜託阿強向文班生打探有關許家偉的事。某文班生說許家偉無啥特別，亦無專長或短處，是個存在感不強的乖學生。217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfB5eeKmEBU
217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBm7lBq3Ye1
我不明所以——為何心儀對象看上他？217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡge4GG4GKsk
217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaQEDd7U5LG
不是認為心儀對象定要接受我或是對方必須比我優勝，只是我真的找不到許家偉有何可愛之處。217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5DFSctm4Px
217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrHnrxGaHIK
不服氣。217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLqsvRfarcV
217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVGsi1ppL7u
繼續觀察他。217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡT4du15OCGn
217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiVwS6ZIbbd
匆匆數月，秋去冬來，我對許家偉好奇不減。217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2YauXvfWEG
217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡc2Ip5VWFHQ
某天午餐後，我和阿強發現許家偉獨坐操場長椅，於是立即齊齊上前佔據長椅另端，近距離觀察他。他似乎發現我們的奇異目光，動身離開。正感沒趣，阿強發現地上有一個銀包。查看內裡，看見許家偉的學生證。217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnVlCMNVL7k
217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKeNthLF41K
阿強建議取走內裡金錢和學生證，再將銀包交到校務處。我反對，擔心惹禍上身。阿強問我是否討厭許家偉。我無正面回應，僅是堅持物歸原主。阿強讓步，將銀包遞給我。217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ03GVPbKiBo
217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfvfwujVhl1
我急步追趕許家偉。217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFpLSMBJUC6
217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmkCLIqat36
不明白自己此刻行為。正如阿強所問，我不是討厭許家偉嗎？人前，我一直表達對許家偉的討厭；人後，我曾多次理性分析過自己有沒有討厭他的實質理由。沒有，尤其在我對心儀對象忘情以後。217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeoNUBw5q0D
217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAP3IeKLCtO
奈何留意許家偉經已成為我的習慣。217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwMZqXrJ0sQ
217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVP55tCYc6E
遠遠看見他的身影，我自然而然打起十二分精神；聽到心儀對象與好友聊天時提及許家偉，我對他的好奇大於對心儀對象的；走經中五級壁報板，會不經意試找許家偉的名字……217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLT8hJoKmKt
217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLnN4nyDJXG
「你遺下了銀包。」217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡG8VbcSXH9v
217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzkCwjSiY3o
「謝謝。」217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡddk4ZYTtwd
217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡylsBYB10xa
「不用客氣……」217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDsNNchWMVY
217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLwfKfXmN2n
經已物歸原主。他道謝，我虛應，然後該是沒有然後。但我們還是愣在原地。217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJ9ZfH0zcwA
217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9tXL7BLFa9
該要說甚麼？還需要說甚麼？沒有啊！但我們還是原地愣著。217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkyDGPSUEfV
217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡb3xXFqb5r7
他是否一早知道我？他是否早已察覺我在留意他？不會吧……217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8ghGzWqw4C
217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQegT27NtZe
我望入他雙眼。217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTTtI4nOafj
217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYL20ZfUihH
不。我鐵定他不認識我。他的眼神迷惘疑惑忐忑，似乎在期待甚麼……217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXhU4UT4JMn
217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZB589c5SWY
一名校工在我和許家偉之間走過。我在視線被阻擋當刻回過神來，低頭轉身離開。217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ74DDSWHWxi
217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡL4pyxN5Evb
我回到操場側長椅。阿強仍在，問我有否教訓許家偉一頓。我苦笑罵他發神經。阿強收起笑容，認真勸我別壓抑情緒。我說理解許家偉是無辜的，不會繼續討厭他。217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ51kJACgZRr
217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVOH5O3sX0F
上課鈴聲響起，學生魚貫回課室去。人群中，我在五樓走廊與許家偉迎個正著。他驚訝之情洋溢於表。我反倒開懷笑了，笑他遲鈍，後知後覺。217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvGyskg3i29
217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIL09LkdaKN
許家偉臉紅，禮貌地點點頭，上前自我介紹。217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLAT2ghBZKd
217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqxHbkmxu72
「我是文班許家偉。」217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡslOnL2ftAH
217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqxxyy1jJbu
「我是理班李浩榮。」217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHeIiHXgZtY
畢業多年，我跟李浩榮從未聯絡過——當我這麼講，舊生聚會上人人皆表出乎意料：「你們當年那麼要好，竟然未曾聯絡一次？」217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ08ggy7PGLE
217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVvTHpagxzt
我笑笑點頭，不多解釋。217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLHcZrkAqmY
217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqw6qFjiQ9p
畢業禮當晚，他告訴我，他的心儀對象喜歡我。我問他那女生是誰，我可以當面拒絕她。他說不必，因為他已不愛他。我感到奇怪：如已釋懷，為何重提。217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZZycd1gTtV
217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpPP7WGtKdP
李浩榮笑笑，笑說他已覺悟，明白人的真正作用。217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUmTtog6TPs
217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGIDLER8Wm8
聽到這莫名其妙的答案，我就知道他醉了——他喝下很多酒。217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlBpoXh2ZLv
217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDMOINdyWI4
他說人的真正作用就是將另外兩個不相識的人串連在一起，或是把深交的兩個人分開，例如那女生無意間將我帶到他的人生當中，而我又無意間成為他和青梅竹馬鬧翻原因。217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKZ6ir7Vyjo
217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYQ2pQqwQRs
我大概聽出話裡的話。有點難過，有點無奈，有點害怕——害怕今晚坦白心聲以後，我和李浩榮再無交集。217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJuYq6dI50q
217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYZsZbNhJyx
但我沒有阻止他。217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMIrJ7kSkt2
217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKPoPZAihQt
他壓抑已久，情感需要釋放。這很可能是我以朋友身份給他的最後禮物。217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTrurY8Q5Dj
217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3Lf1JgtDfe
我慫恿他繼續說下去。217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0bW3WSIoQf
217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLqtUKFLW7p
他跟阿強相識於幼稚園。他倆都是頑皮孩子，經常氣得老師向父母投訴，父母夜裡就來一頓痛打。他們經常看到對方手腫腳瘀，起初會擔心對方身體，後來發現彼此不怕捱打，只怕玩得不痛快。相顧輕笑，再玩再捱打……玩著捱著，二人同甘共苦十四年，彼此之間有一種難以言喻的默契——只有阿強看出他非但未曾討厭我，反倒羨慕我的不起眼。217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNPKoZW5eB0
217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡG5PwWmSToF
我好奇李浩榮何解會羨慕不起眼的人。217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡg9qB4QK538
217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWPuphEhK59
「不被注意、不被期望，方能活得自由稱心。」217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEG5s41PaPM
217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7nftLtffob
我問他是否有煩惱，可以向我傾訴，也許我能想出好辦法。217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZk7bkclWpo
217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJmgG5T0KvY
李浩榮報以苦笑，沒有正面回答。217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZVTB57Txsx
217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡh1VSsP3nZ6
那夜，他喝得爛醉，我送他回家。217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFmMYCifMwT
217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtkGbeKeVtL
伯母應門。是個凶神惡煞的中年婦，語調急促，不帶尾音。她接過李浩榮，留下一句道謝，利落關門。217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBNfShPKpOM
217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXpGaVYkhXg
門關。心頭若有所失——感覺永遠不會再見到李浩榮。217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhsXTOpPW6l
217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIsb5OO7rIq
其實沒甚麼大不了。這是人生必經的離合過程。不會令我受到任何傷害，亦不會令我蒙受任何損失。著實沒甚麼大不了。217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡR706mzDi8p
217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡknqYaXNK9Q
但我掛念他。217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡB21KVT6VyE
217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJ3vGgTxfLe
不是偶然想起，不是遇上麻煩、需要向他求助，不是看見眼熟物件進而聯想。沒錯，是真正的掛念——我無法自欺。217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYWHRnqFAx6
217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCuAP5HZGyb
想起他，我不期然會笑；想起他，我感覺窩心；想起他，我會自覺孤單可憐。217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwWossVAVHq
217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMkqOmfxHui
我漸漸意識到這是甚麼一回事。217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRnwinZUy1j
217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡL1BGQ7lfkx
糟糕了！怎麼辦？怎麼辦！不知道。217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuc43Olcapl
217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ04imvP8blf
不要說。不要聽。不要見。217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRySX8XiZZt
217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQdn31TFGZ0
希望時間會沖淡一切。217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOFCldbbD27
依稀記得畢業翌日在自家客廳梳化醒來的畫面。217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrXTp6ySRlu
217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtonqPl5aeH
首先映入眼簾的是極端的光與暗、黑與白——廳燈沒有亮起，窗外日光耀眼得刺痛，室內與室外亮度差異極大。眼睛無法於短時間內適應，煞是暈眩，有一股酸餿灼熱自胸腔冒升。想吐。沒法吐。217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTmnkZFFEVy
217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡghPcAXj3FX
阿媽沒有理會我，背對我在廚房煲湯。她對著湯煲說：「昨晚是他送你回來。」217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSNRT6zYuVY
217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuMr9QFifXK
我敵不過暈眩與劇烈頭痛，重新軟癱梳化上。沒回話打算，反正阿媽定會繼續說下去。217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7QIgRDtgTq
217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9hjNCAJPgH
「我不明白你為何喜歡他。」217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWjVfpvqYcZ
217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRgn942rEnG
「我也不明白。」217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgHXYt1UKrW
217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdF87eHKtAK
「那就不要繼續喜歡。」217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmpQgHHhwGI
217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGZVKINjOgw
「感覺，並非可以自由控制的。」217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtXTXvHBxYT
217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSrKYfhd1C8
「我亦無法自由控制我的兒子喜歡誰。」217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3Pgv8FJVJq
217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwntnxVdS0m
「我也無法自由選擇誰是我的母親。」217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkSjuDlapDV
217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRV8AXd2Mk1
「真抱歉——未得你同意就把你生下來。」217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡD7EqFCrkoF
217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRkJdNtqZJQ
「你該要對我感到抱歉。」217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgvR5wGepE3
217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsHvI7v3kpU
我晦氣，毫不掩飾對她的討厭。217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡarIzL9kGLj
217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAKF1bbjL6q
阿媽沒再多話，繼續在廚房忙著。217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjsbpdIHp8P
217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0Qnm9N9XrL
真要命。人生就是那麼多無謂紛擾。我的人生屬於我，為何旁人總愛插手？217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡn1v3KX4eG9
217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlGs30g1iRI
抵著頭痛，我硬撐起身子小便去。217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzETV4Dlz5v
217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0yZH0xRk5B
在抽氣扇綿延不斷的摩打聲襯托下，小便聲清脆得噁心。噁感令我清醒不少，昨晚回憶開始隱約浮現。217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBQGRUg8CDK
217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdgXDrVKoUT
我似乎講過一些不該出口的話。217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkxrypIJ5hK
217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡP3fLTjpZNl
真的嗎？我真的把話說出口？217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0ozXinKw4c
217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSufDb1YsuM
為何這麼驚訝？阿強醉倒後，我特意喝下更多酒，不就是為了把話講出口嗎？217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNJPatpYtlm
217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5B5yIonR00
便意盡，醉意消，騰出來的腦空間被後悔和自責分佔了。我呆上半晌才提起褲子洗手去。217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiSe2LSVx7w
217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkGoZzILW7K
為何要走到這一步？217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8zLhqgyCuk
217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkMVgjbdx7M
阿強早已看出我對許家偉的感情，擔心我走上「歪路」。我有點兒生氣——誰有資格定義這是否歪路。阿強自知沒能說服我，乾脆將觀察所得告訴我媽。性格暴躁的阿媽一反常態，冷靜淡然勸我切勿繼續投放感情。217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYYRX3zfzh5
217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQKNS9Vr5DT
「世人表裡不一。口說開明，實質守舊。」217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOH6jJCB0vS
217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyOYRDa64cd
「是嗎？你呢？你口說放棄，心底裡在支持我吧？」217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaOKRkw1ZFy
217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkhIzFy9CYj
「別倔強。」217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9K37a43dng
217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7haJfixGd3
「我想要知道你的真正想法！別敷衍！別蒙混！」217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjZT3q7LBiS
217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDdUZ7cMvX4
「我想你放棄。」217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8tMxr1OMfX
217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGLCww1qkKR
「原因？」217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3Fo19s5aHe
217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEWGUf6cphI
「現實終歸是現實的。你將要面對的困難並非單靠信念、希望和愛情就可以解決。」217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9vq8gBixaX
217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9Z3oRqAXye
「我知道。」217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMwe8hrZcSg
217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡc5j61b3gum
「何解還要繼續下去？」217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡn5VgEJxqML
217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0yUqgwUAu0
「感情易放難收。」217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqZQRvUjTOx
217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAmV0QSqeyD
阿媽沒法回嘴——「感情」一詞明確否定了邏輯和理智，她還有何話可說，只得被動地待我回心轉意。217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvf4t86s0uv
217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYXOKJgCaNw
傍晚，我約見阿強，在公園暗處與他打一架。我們手腫腳瘀，有如兒時被父母教訓一樣。看著彼此頹喪模樣，我既心痛亦生氣——我們的友誼不該淪落至此！我們該可以當一輩子兄弟手足！217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpAHRwKco7B
217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBnOZ48YdAD
架後，我沒有留下片言隻字，待身體稍稍恢復後首先離開回家去，懶理阿強依然躺在草地上粗喘不已。217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0JIaLoR3X4
217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwUz600egL9
阿媽見我身上有傷，許是大概明白那是甚麼一回事，沒有多問，亦不予關心。217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcYofsFl4gV
217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoxJu0XpgFB
我不在意，一心思考如何在畢業禮當晚向許家偉表白……217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIp6DhaFDLp
217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxa5HaVJGZM
畢業禮，是終結也是新開始。學生們穿戴整齊，戰戰兢兢上台領受證書。莘莘學子前途未卜，能夠掌握在手的只有當下。今朝有酒今朝醉，齊齊喝酒齊齊醉。217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqcHe39NJgC
217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3Vg1STzNwb
阿強取來一支烈酒，邀我對飲：「追求真愛不是那麼容易。至少要比我更能喝。」217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡO9tI2BrdeP
217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKy061Za9Ss
我欣然接受。他很了解我，許是估計到我將會乘著酒意找許家偉表白去。我唯一擺脫阿強的方法就是先把他灌醉。我們都不是省油的燈，自小經常一起偷偷喝酒，十分清楚對方酒量和醉態——一旦倒下，沒有廿四小時可醒不過來。217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMFv0chLfuV
217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5dpNzDfbld
小醉。半醉。大醉。217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkq5ml85NAF
217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpY7OwOng9C
阿強半伏枱邊，傻笑問我：「想好如何表白了沒？」217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWQDcMfpmU4
217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡip2nyUG5xl
「直接講我愛他。」217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnz8K7idodm
217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPjSrSzoObc
「如果他拒絕？」217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcf5RFfPKrK
217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbM4uZOBmaH
「沒怎麼樣。就像我之前被女同學拒絕那樣。」217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡh3tj93zhX8
217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ00H8v1RTrq
「如果他接受了？那怎麼辦？」217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9lp39HTJY4
217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ78rng5378g
「我當然是高興！」217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSkxKYRCoVp
217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeEj0ZaBICc
「我在問，他會怎麼辦？你認為他的內心強大得能夠與你共同面對往後一切？」217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeB8sOHQPR1
217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2mPMqSgXrb
阿強問了一個我沒有想及的問題。217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5v1hNRxpVw
事隔四十年，我和李浩榮在阿強的喪禮上再次聚頭。217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7VavC2sFL2
217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4dcuCzrVf8
李浩榮說他在畢業禮後與阿強斷絕了聯絡。我為此道歉。他問我為何道歉。我重提他酒後那段說話。他反問我是否真的認為過錯在我。我答不肯定——我無心令他們鬧翻，但我確是他們鬧翻的原因。217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡT7rPn6Pcun
217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCNnRlbdpIq
李浩榮苦笑，笑容意味深長。217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡS3eoFPBCu9
217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLiuwIhexDl
「阿強沒講錯。你真懦弱。」217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwo9p1wHzmb
217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡD9ZMXTd6Lu
「活了那麼多年，經歷那麼多事情，我不得不承認自己的懦弱。」217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡklritbUDR5
217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlXnpyifgEw
「你仍然單身？」217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUpMVJd1Jpo
217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡR8FlQk15eJ
「是的。」217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwCe6Dd00HQ
217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuDt7mIasiH
「要我當媒嗎？」217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2SjAq12vj3
217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsPRCQXhfYw
「不了。難為情。」217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9AHjimZytx
217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡG5OFFkCVkW
李浩榮失笑，笑我不值得被愛。217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGh3Kwj8U23
217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6i4jLUZK1w
我陪笑，笑說我懂得珍愛自己就可以。217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxKeBgI03Po
217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡssqv3fxqtR
多寒暄幾句，我和李浩榮相互道別，分道揚鑣不復見。217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbacmBOduFr
217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9NMuYrszGS
抬頭望天，天陰雨冷，冷入心脾。217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTpGhpOl6k5
217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3gp3mRYREN
回家吧。217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡV9GNn2ONqA
217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡE5IvyTpMdb
開門。門後空洞空虛空蕩蕩。217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡywK9N7Sy2e
217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoZNnPKMj29
「戚戚慘慘悽悽，清清冷冷，覓覓尋尋。」興之所至，我一邊脫鞋，一邊倒背《聲聲慢》首三句。217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcbCOuizsLt
217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBnQ8S9vBwt
「尋他千百度，驀然回首，那人卻在燈火闌珊處。」沒有脫襪，懶洋洋得撲到梳化上，順口接上《青玉案．元夕》末句。217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTtRe0vhPNp
217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2ohKFIEC4r
枕臂望窗，映入眼簾的是極端的光與暗、黑與白——廳燈沒有亮起，窗外日光耀眼得刺痛，室內與室外亮度差異極大。驀地憶起日光照在他臉營造出來的明暗，憶起他的臉容氣質，憶起那抹笑容。217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvEkIKLaTOn
217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ80toyuOPzo
大概是一見鍾情吧。217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8djnuKwYby
217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcG9YkdPabg
奈何我當年愚鈍懵懂，後知後覺。217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyOapWXroiS
217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLW9RqUYzLm
如果我當年及早清楚知道自己的意向，結果會否不一樣？217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFgYFdPUFdX
217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzNH6Pv0HRx
我笑自己想多了：結果會是一樣的。217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwjRahu8UkE
217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxefJkdFE04
我是懦弱的人，我珍愛自己，所以我不會為他人冒險。我寧願花上一輩子去幻想錯過了的美好愛情，亦不會勇敢踏前一步去追求愛情。217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡu4Nzgu5tCp
217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGSuLsW3GNr
李浩榮說得沒錯，我不值得被愛。217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZ40pxAPYfU
事隔四十年，昔日摯友躺在棺材裡，往日心上人站在我面前。217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnYU8lSaTk7
217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLdVJT2UyV5
百感交集……217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVnRAa5kqtH
217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYfMYXqjzcS
當年我為了許家偉與阿強鬧翻，事後亦沒敢聯絡許家偉。同時失去摯友和心上人，情感上的痛令我失眠了好幾年。那時候，還以為痛楚會一直維持下去，有如浪漫淒美感人的愛情電影情節。217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTSv9ikKSNz
217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡESHgttwOVK
不過電影終究與現實不同：角色的難忘遭遇濃縮在短短一個半小時裡，情感故此顯得激烈而深刻；現實中的情感必須經過時間洗禮和加入許多愛情以外因素，例如家庭、工作、健康、個人財政等等。217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡx4qpLA7nsF
217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡptfx5Be190
痛楚自然而然被淡化掉。我漸漸忘了阿強的忠肝義膽和許家偉的獨特魅力，直至今日再聚……217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxjBQFlVzwq
217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5PRuyuZc1B
「認得我嗎？我是許家偉。」217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvvZJAkslIC
217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGwHtoRI6L2
「認得。你是文班的。」217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyp1NJksGVX
217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡV5FyHBCrIa
許家偉淺笑，笑容如昔，淡然清雅溫婉。217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9sM9bX9WvD
217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡD2r0Hl7S5d
閒聊之間，發現他仍然單身。究其原因，他只道難為情。217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpHautrmX9j
217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtOn0yt6ulf
「你不值得被愛。」我蔑笑。217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvIOlBmQxRm
217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdYjzMtA5Uc
四十年過去，許家偉仍是當初那個許家偉。217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJPq6or0bJr
217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡac7OsAnwgy
阿強沒講錯——他的內心不會強大得能夠與我共同面對一切。217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡm092Pkvfe7
217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZnU0TkZ07U
「我懂得珍愛自己就可以。」許家偉笑著說。217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCYkzNyy9ex
217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiAeuZKl8RH
許家偉在認真？他真心認為這是珍愛自己的行徑？217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAMrH08LO0a
217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjG5d1f5edZ
我哭笑不得。217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTCmsjkjQae
217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpcJg3zFllx
無意跟他繼續對話。217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmIBPlKT6DV
217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrCRIZSq69f
多寒暄幾句，我和許家偉相互道別，分道揚鑣不復見。217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1JrhtsIrtm
217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDNvETkvB2m
抬頭望天，天陰雨冷，冷入心脾。
註：此篇會收錄於短篇小說集《雜念集》內。217Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡz5EeXiy6PA
