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My wife and I were going through a divorce so I went over to the house trying to sort our joint possessions.
"Okay, sweetheart, since the court awarded you the house and the barn. We have six lawn chairs and I'm taking half of them." 466Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbLUPqGBLz2
Also, some of the folding tables, "I'm taking my tools, and the loveseat. Cuz, I sure don't want anybody making love to you on my love seat!"466Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ63E2KmirMA
(I look around for more things, we lived on a farm and had some barnyard animals.)466Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnEIMfVntz9
"Let's see, I need at least 50 head of cows, 15 horses, oh, and around 30 chickens and ducks."466Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBvcPY4Fqca
Hmm... 466Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXnOjCRJZZ5
Oh yeah, and my dog Rex of course. "Here boy, come over here you mutt, you mangy critter..." Okay, I need the dog house and the 50 lb bag of dog food. 466Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTBgETJi3Sa
Yeah, the divorce court ordered that I get half of the heavy farming equipment. 466Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡA7NneVIGu5
"You can have have all the adult toys."466Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡs4hhH76TLo
Except for the pecker enhancer!466Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0zymQzVsvf
"That's all I need..."466Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6bZ0OZcs1i
"Wait!"466Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxfwgKnUA7j
I glance at my wife's body "Didn't I buy those boobies?" She said, "Well honey, yes you did." What about it?466Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZIjrxjViCH
I said, "Sarah, I brought them big boobies, you can't have them!" 466Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOPaABU4zKQ
Sarah said, "Keith, what's wrong with you, are you crazy!" 466Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHFfkv54FJr
(Still staring at her, I notice a dragon tatoo under her tight, revealing shorts)466Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHIb3NSnI01
"Hold on, wait, one dawg gone minute!"466Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyd5LouFDKV
"Didn't I pay for that tattoo on your butt?"466Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpAGSL5k22p
That cost me $100!
Sarah said, "Yes, so what!" What you're going to do about it Jack!466Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuSpR9b5sxW
Keith said, "My name ain't Jack, Missy!" And what about your $3000 butt injections?466Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfeJGvJE9AI
"Sarah, I'm still paying for that big booty. Nobody can touch that booty until it's paid off!"
Orders are, nobody can see the great booty, Not nobody, not no how!466Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4zPbtDP6XP
"Um...Keith? Said Sarah, you are quoting 466Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxLqCqJkPhe
'The Wizard Of Oz.'
I know that I yelled,
but I can't get no satisfaction. I can't get no satisfaction. "Cause I try, and I try, and I try, and I try." I can't get no, oh no, no, no...466Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡW6MjFcCVs6
Ah, hey, hey, hey, that's what I say...466Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡU93q4A6WFD
"Keith?" Now you're quoting, 'The Rolling Stones.' "How come when you're angry you466Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnFTsp1eI6N
quote everybody?"
I know that Sarah but I need compensation! Let's see, the breast implants were $5,000.466Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEQBB4wjxS7
Plus, umm... an additional $3000 for the butt injections and the $100 dollar Dragon tatoo.466Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3HxwG3ESv0
"Oh, and that thousand pack of 'Now and Later' candy!"466Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDfpJR669Y9
(Sarah laughs)466Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBYJVqRBB89
Keith, that line is from the movie, "The Cook Out."466Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrWBHe3A5Na
"Gosh Darn!"466Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡl27k46d3qr
Woman, you owe me over $8,000 cash money on the line...466Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡm2qobZC3KR
Sarah exclaimed, "Well don't hold your breath cuz I ain't paying you nothing Jack!" "Honey, I said, quit calling me Jack. Is that your new boyfriend's name?" 466Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdUURKPLzHU
Sarah, "Yeah, and he's hung like a mule!" No, like a Tyrannosaurus Rex. And I don't have to hunt in the dark for his pecker. (Sarah snickers)466Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwfD45HWs1y
Keith, "Oh yeah, I bet when you're making love and he's going down, he can hear his own voice echo!"466Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYuCxXFcLes
Hello~hello~hello~hello...
Hah! 466Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNj8ywliVwm
Sarah, crieds, "Okay, now that's hitting below the belt."466Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvXiao5XAtn
You know you love my love thing! But Keith, you are a boring lover. 466Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFng4OHImpF
That's how I fell into the arms of another lover. Do you recall when I said, "Give it to me! Give it to me!" I yelled. "I'm so wet and hot, give it to me now!" And you gave me an umbrella.466Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKXUDGRyu0t
Keith, "Okay, I see you got jokes honey...466Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLscIVyXVmD
Here's one, "What makes a pecker and Rubik's Cube similar?"466Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfYl4y9bcw2
(Sarah says what)466Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7praQz9xjx
"The more you play with it, the harder it gets."466Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNQh9yfvbvp
(he laughs and Sarah winks)466Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhPLHC9c1fn
Sarah, "Hey, I got one, 466Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfGWsundqob
"A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest. After about fifteen minutes, the tired man finally gets up and says,
"Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!" 466Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkc0RzGuImz
The woman says, "Me too, you've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!"466Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaBt57Zd3bU
(Keith laughs hard)466Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZ2d8X1uEvg
"Okay, that was pretty good honey." Keith says, "But, hey I got a bunch of them!"466Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyZvSInzkxm
Two men broke into a drugstore and stole all the Viagra. The police put out an alert to be on the lookout for the two hardened criminals.466Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyaS39EwCUQ
(Sarah giggles, Keith is on a roll)466Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvqWleRlbH6
Honey,466Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡymuBNwmouO
"Who's the most popular guy at the nudist colony? 466Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnJZSpvER3w
Sarah grins, "Okay, I give up." Who?466Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHzuwhMLIpU
The one who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts on his weiner!466Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuv8QfWUE65
(Sarah giggles, slapping her thigh)466Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhCZntd3WZR
Keith says,466Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡydPYZJRdRP
"What do a woman and a bar have in common?466Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡf0c0MHpE8W
Liquor in the front, poker in the back."466Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXNZvWwhUXy
(Sarah laughs, smiles and then gives Keith a big hug)466Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡI17H59VATR
Keith, "Aww, Sarah, you know I still love you and you'll always be my best friend. Just forget about the $8000. 466Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiED7PrPSlC
Keith's wife, Sarah, had always been both amused and exasperated by his constant jokes. Every morning, as she sipped her coffee, Keith would appear grinning with a mischievous smile and say, "What do you call a cow with no legs?"466Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzSMHM7KVmV
"Ground beef!"466Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡexfJuvdkJf
Sarah would roll her eyes and chuckle, unable to resist her husband's infectious laughter.466Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3i2H9kqzjF
Their children, Lily and Max, inherited their father's sense of humor. They would eagerly gather around him, waiting for his daily dose of laughter. 466Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡricCqwm3IV
Keith would gather them close and say, "What do lawyers wear to court?" 466Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcmlksvx9Dy
Lawsuits.466Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwNxDrGQQKG
Lily and Max would burst into fits of giggles, just begging for more jokes until their sides hurt.466Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡb5r26NcJl6
Keith's friends knew him as the 466Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWn6313sdwp
Clown Jester of Bakersville.466Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaBPsZyDOGz
Whenever they needed a good laugh, they would seek him out. One evening, during a gathering at their favorite local pub, Keith got up and proclaimed, 466Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡICH9OH9NT6
"Why did the scarecrow always win an award?"466Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡj8slXMnBnK
Because he was so outstanding in his field!466Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9lam2YlpQf
The entire pub erupted with laughter, and he basked in the joy of making others smile.466Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwvIygUnrQB
His love for jokes extended beyond his family and friends. Keith would seize any golden opportunity to entertain unsuspecting strangers.466Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVb8UIBnrQv
While waiting in line at the grocery store, he would strike up conversations with fellow shoppers and unleash a pun-filled tirade. 466Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxXK9t4hZQJ
The cashiers, at first dreading the line of customers Keith held up, would eventually find themselves laughing along with the rest of the store.466Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVCpICJURCO
Keith's reputation as the "Jokester Extraordinaire"466Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfOAY55VPPg
Spread throughout Bakersville. People began inviting him to events just to ensure a fun-filled atmosphere.466Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡY9MrZD0miw
Whether it was just a birthday party, or community gathering, even a solemn occasion. Keith's corny jokes managed to uplift everyone's spirits.466Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkOElDto3cJ
One day, the Mayor of Bakersville decided to organize a grand comedy festival. Of course, Keith was naturally the first person he invited to perform. The festival was a great, riotous success, with the entire town doubled over with laughter. 466Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡq1mMjguQN3
Keith took center stage, he was telling joke after joke, pun after pun, and the crowd couldn't get enough. It was a night of sheer hilarity, leaving everyone in stitches.466Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0ImSqzS9ZE
His wife, Sarah, was used to his jokes by now. 466Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ65DANDbbjC
Having heard them all before, many times.466Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡd6D78T5c15
She would just smile politely and laugh occasionally, but normally she would roll her eyes and shake her head. She loved Keith, but sometimes she wished he would tone down his jokes a bit.
His children, Lilly and Max, were also familiar with his jokes. They had grown up listening to them every day. They would sometimes laugh at his jokes, but mostly they would groan and cringe. They loved Keith, but sometimes they wished he would stop embarrassing them with his jokes.466Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlVWZKbi4Yh
His friends, Mike and Tom, were also aware of his jokes. They had known him since college and had endured his jokes for years. They would sometimes chuckle at his jokes, but mostly they would ignore them or change the subject. 466Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1bbPVfvuLK
They liked Keith, but sometimes they wished he would be a little more serious with his jokes.466Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡF0i6BKUXIs
But Keith didn't care what anyone thought of his jokes. He loved telling them and he thought they were hilarious. 466Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡm6YnrCOout
He believed that laughter was the best medicine and that everyone needed a good joke to brighten their day. He never missed an opportunity to crack a joke, no matter how corny or inappropriate it was.466Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3KT2eIFemv
One day, Keith decided to go to a comedy club for a night out. He had always wanted to try stand-up comedy and he thought he had what it took to make people laugh. He signed up for an open mic night and prepared some of his best jokes.466Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTCcd1ieSD2
He arrived at the comedy club and was greeted by the host.466Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQejqNFlokT
"Hi, I'm here for the open mic night," Keith said.466Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡq5ViH93v7r
"Sure, just write your name on this list and wait for your turn," the host said.466Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaF3Xz5Huem
Keith wrote down his name and looked at the list. He saw that there were about ten other comedians before him.466Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmlGyaezqxE
He walked over to the bar and ordered a drink. He sipped it slowly and watched the other comedians perform.466Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYkE56ijuRy
He saw some of them get laughs, others get boos and some silence.466Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJ57NovvO6R
He rehearsed his jokes in his head and smiled to himself.466Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHc6mPrRh3N
(When he got on stage he said)
Hello people, I'm Keith, and I hope to entertain you tonight. "How many of you like to help people, said Keith?"
(The audience clapped)466Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlscziNt2ZP
Keith: "Well I do too, I walked into my bank today and an old lady asked me to help check her balance."
So I pushed her over!466Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3rmWXXv6CP
(audience chuckles)466Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9g0McBcNiq
Keith: "Yeah, three years ago my doctor told me I was going deaf."466Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ36knbDdgUq
I haven't heard from him since.466Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbjpgvicRlj
Keith: (feeling the crowd) "My wife says I'm getting fatter, but in my defence, I've had a lot on my plate recently."466Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAJDjTiwzou
"Hey people, my dog is a genius... I asked him what is two minus two, and he said nothing.466Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEQaUEfRhFi
(audience laughing)466Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxbUOpm83ly
Keith: "You know the other day, my wife asked me to pass her the lipstick but I accidentally passed her the glue stick." 466Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡv18U1MlgL1
She still isn't talking to me.466Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcS40a1BcAF
(Keith smiles)466Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4hdSErXPU9
Keith: "Just the other day I stopped by a roadside stand that said lobster tails $2. I paid my $2 and the guy says: 'Well, Once upon a time there was a lobster...'466Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcJA8M4wKRf
Keith: "Yeah, some people can be so uptight you know, my female neighbor always suntans topless, my wife is quite against it, 466Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvloqQCAojm
but I am on the fence!466Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkcXr0gdisB
(audience laughing hard)466Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡK7uIkCKElc
[He gets on a roll]466Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZwzOVNePfe
"Hey, I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes." 466Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡC1XLiRLTXy
She gave me a hug!466Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCzYouE8LmN
"Yeah folks, today on a drive, I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the people living there if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door in my face."
"My parents are the worst."466Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlG9tLQpHCv
Hey!466Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡW3BOMoLK4H
What is the worst combination of illnesses?466Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXutjVAF6iK
"Alzheimer’s and diarrhea. You’re running but can’t remember where."466Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡf9kyzFWiKU
You know what? My girlfriend dumped me, so I stole her wheelchair.
"Guess who came crawling back?"466Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjqb5elC9YE
For you gals out there, "What's the process of applying for a job at Hooters?"466Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOmHJu51oFn
They just give you a bra and say,
"Here, fill this out."466Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡX9lSCQzVXK
How do you get a squirrel to like you?466Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkurIiWTz20
Act like a nut.466Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZiAlsFXSwH
My boss told me to have a good day.. so I went home.466Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8YoP8fbJc0
I tried to sue the airport for misplacing my luggage. I lost my case.466Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVsbh9xQavH
How do crazy people go through the forest? They take the physco path.466Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJP9VFbMFXz
I went to a psychic the other day and knocked on her front door. She yelled: 'Who is it?' 466Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡi0yrXlS0IM
So I Left.466Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡV0sKtWzl0g
People, I was in a casino yesterday and a couple of cows were smoking weed and playing poker.466Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡckniGNJjI3
"The steaks were pretty high!"466Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzRFdhffKKk
"Well, that's all I have for you tonight ladies and I hope gentlemen."466Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxBzodW200s
Goodnight!"466Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCqsKdEsNVC
(Dave exited the stage to thunderous applause)466Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfJhHfDoL8C
He went home happier466Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoCIWSG02rn
than he ever
Dreamed!466Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBBFb2XMPWI
466Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMneB0T28Nl
© Charles Kemp
ns216.73.216.7da2
