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下班回家，淋浴。275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUV4aats8GK
275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3OfTZhr6Iw
我站在花灑頭下享受熱水的溫度和洗頭水的香氣，目光卻分心瞄向鑲嵌牆身的全身鏡。275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHiKAf6AhLK
275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhvezMPlkwN
今天，同事開玩笑嘲說我滿身肥肉，我笑勸他別對四十歲的女人太苛刻。哄堂大笑。聽著歡聲笑語，我沒法再欺瞞自己——我的確十分介意！275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnEu2t1tXsa
275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQ2wFNtdwu2
鏡子慢慢被蒸氣罩上一片模糊，我窮目亦只見一團啡黃色的色塊。像油炸過度的麥樂雞雞塊，也像兒子俊仔所講的亞古獸。275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4WbNFjJjEW
275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkir4UA69pY
「亞古獸……」我憶起俊仔給我展示過的亞古獸圖片，不由得傻笑起來：「要沾甜酸醬……」275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3pnB4Tb37X
275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgFk7FYwsUA
沐浴後，我和俊仔及阿美開始用餐。阿美是我妹。我跟前夫離婚後，阿美就搬來與我和俊仔同住，替我照顧俊仔。俊仔很喜歡阿美，會夾餸菜給她，但不會夾給我。我心裡不是滋味，但我不打算告訴他阿美就是前夫當年的外遇。275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkZ9Rg92QgO
275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡY3yCPNiPZV
若問我為何可以如此大方，可以將破壞我婚姻的人留在身邊，照顧我的兒子，耳聞目睹兒子愛她甚於愛我？因為現實。現實是我需要工作賺錢，現實是阿美是我唯一可倚靠的人，現實是我沒有介意的本錢。275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ85YKQS5K6v
275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwi27ifOLQG
飯後，俊仔做功課，阿美洗碗，我躲在浴室抽菸。叼著菸，我不自禁再次盯著全身鏡裡的自己——啡黃的膚色，方長的臉，矮肥的身材——像我爸，又像亞古獸。我驀地想起甜酸醬，然後想起阿美。人如其名，阿美的確長得美。她像媽，五官精緻，皮細肉嫩，玲瓏浮突。換著我是男人，我也會選擇阿美……275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaMtbsBZnBm
275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1PVn8AZyq4
恨不來。根本不知道該恨誰？恨阿美太漂亮，恨前夫好色，抑或恨自己像亞古獸？275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnfXYbzZgGV
275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHxvVb0HXm0
我笑了：我真的很像亞古獸。275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNDCBIY3Ftl
275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡROCElWFp64
啪——啪——275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwXyeJqp7AE
275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyklxM2gozL
「媽咪！我肚痛，要大便！」275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡk2tGuG5bKD
275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6JSzh2tiPr
我匆匆將菸屁股丟入座廁，沖水。我離開浴室，看見俊仔早已肚痛得臉色發青，一股勁兒衝入浴室去。275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2HkBbSt9W4
275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQQbrpgOpOO
「媽咪！菸味很臭啊！」俊仔隔門抱怨。275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡY87b1b0KDT
275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6J5JwsBFAZ
「你的大便也很臭呢！我老遠也嗅得到！」阿美代我反嘲。275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPfdNWT0PZl
275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5yfnPUQO8o
我望望阿美，苦笑，笑他們像極兩母子。阿美也對我報以微笑，但我不知道她到底是明白我的想法，或是純粹笑俊仔傻氣。275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrh68XDpr3D
275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdOYyGbrcga
算了吧。沒所謂。275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCisO6cyqKY
275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlD5m1PrwPv
我和她閒聊幾句不著邊際的，然後回到睡房去。275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlUWVCMbOzy
275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjX9WuW62Py
該要睡，想要睡，卻偏偏沒能入睡。太多瑣事在心頭。同事、肥肉、麥樂雞、亞古獸、甜酸醬、俊仔、阿美、前夫、香菸、大便……香菸很臭，大便很臭……275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAIAQj6l0rX
275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrNUWdidXYK
我傻傻笑了：很無聊，怎麼我滿腦子只有這些無聊的東西？275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5KpfYwiWY3
275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpC5VLEv3Ac
不夠累嗎？我需要累得讓腦袋沒力氣去想這些無聊的。275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIO2FT8ZYx0
275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡe9HT0KsdHu
我更衣換褲，套上波鞋，打算到附近的海濱長廊散步。275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡW6jKEYKNBv
275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdBn9bNG7H0
「姐，買菸嗎？」阿美從俊仔的睡房探頭出來。這個時間，她正在為俊仔檢查功課。275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8GlxDJ8Mvs
275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBYF8vW11cf
「對……要買菸……」我撒謊——明明衫袋裡還有半包香菸。275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡS3o8OYjUNA
275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsNNezBkvWy
「不如讓我去吧。你工作了一整天，需要好好休息。」阿美滿臉疑惑，似乎察覺到我的不對勁。275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWbeObSSN5x
275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ40akrjBfID
「不了……我自己去就可以……」我沒有回望她。275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTtpKZIYTy1
275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkLFnJtjEOW
「姐，我……」也許是基於內疚，阿美一直努力助我打理家頭細務，包括夜半買菸。275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSgfYAzb9nS
275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxoSFBXvclO
「我說——不！」我加重語氣，拉長字音，滿腔怒火不言而喻。275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaurKTgfsQn
275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZRnPIFb5XY
阿美呆了，霎時沒法應對。俊仔似乎聽到廳中的異樣，探頭察看。他望我的眼神帶有怒意，彷彿已判定我在欺負阿美……275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHuMzRjMdss
275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4GqIMDzUL2
我頭也不回開門離家。275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwwr9zNqIXp
275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqGWStsRWNx
夏夜，海風濕重，翳侷悶人。岸有燈火，海浪微盪，從多個度折射著黃光白光，閃閃爍爍。我的目光縱然停留在海面，卻無法捕捉任何一抹波光。我邊行邊放空，越放空越見混亂。275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmYFx1UvXSB
275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIKiCz5HPtQ
我憑欄抽菸，抽得很兇，不欲再理會臭味或是甚麼其他的。275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDngoEUYxlY
275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡO0zfxXPixo
這是專屬於我的寧靜。我要好好享受它……275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2FHmSTh8hS
275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuooSRhRrLt
最後一根菸殆盡，指隙間突然空虛無限。275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsasz0Nu6AM
275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCo5DTogBNi
我不捨就此回家，奈何忘記帶銀包，無法買菸。275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡk9ze4QAH35
275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgif5igUXqU
「要菸？」一根香菸驀地從左邊伸至我面前。是前夫。聽聞他跟我離婚後經歴幾次搬遷，不過兜兜轉轉還是在同一地區。這地區說不上大，也算不上細小，但要在街頭偶遇是有一定難度。275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6psH0GtPgW
275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwnyzbf8zxa
因著這次稀罕難得的偶遇，我決定接過香菸。正要掏出打火機時，他又識趣地主動為我點菸。275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPcrjVa15l5
275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgmLHKzI6xD
「怎麼了？突然那麼體貼？」275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJjccdcI9PH
275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3B2wFBwG2b
「你不開心？」275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwZ6nQdm7dk
275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡm4TluWvoqJ
「是的。但與你無關。」275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ71zHLk1qiW
275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡws8q2r1u1F
面對帶刺的話，前夫沒趣地倚欄遠佻對岸，默默待我享用完整根香菸。275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡK7xmrxSi0o
275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJQzffTOE6F
「還有菸嗎？」275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBvJryOCQV7
275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡval7CDjZdA
「有。」275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ074kXjx0Sf
275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgLxMLJGTMl
前夫再次遞菸、點菸，但他沒有繼續保持沉默。275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyATDvXUhCm
275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡg7T6KyHLd8
「俊仔還好嗎？」275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡciMcIoGsi2
275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWtRTnOEUX8
「與你無關。」275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdPEi5qwZ0H
275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTOaGzDrLWk
「即使我跟你離婚了，我依然是俊仔的爸。」275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeGMfKwzR72
275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHo7u5dsExL
我幽幽一笑。275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡx88EhwVFdU
275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡautxR9KNW7
「俊仔的爸啊！俊仔希望在接下來的暑假參加交流團，但我騰不出費用。」275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡejRqXEuhn1
275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdWrFDm44Ko
「多少？我付！」275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKDFyUXQ9BU
275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEvzE4C86al
「五萬七千五百元。」275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡd2lHclsUVW
275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡS4bvxpQrfz
「好！沒問題！小意思！」275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡn471E2z3jg
275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1PXSJDJx8g
在毫無心理準備下被戳中痛處，我的眼淚一下子𣽽了出來，再也止不住。275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjkHHd0uXso
275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsUrrHW4Llz
「怎麼……我的天大難題……對你……只是小意思……」275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsDCCRfkQR9
275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFY8LJfdPq8
「別傻、別傻！我順口講講而已……那筆錢對我而言絕不是小意思……但也說不上『天大』難題……」275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4dbmG98z5c
275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcLTjVmzUQt
「為何……做錯的是你們……受苦的人……卻是我……」275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7Z1GcXSAM2
275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡguUIMiJ7wI
「阿顧，對不起。」275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCuMRvz913R
275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8IvXtEZ7dj
「道歉有屁用！」275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvaiGnB045w
275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡi1EdJFzy5R
「既然你認為道歉無用，那我就送你一個承諾——日後你遇上甚麼麻煩，也請找我幫忙，我會盡力幫助你。」275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡthuUh8p0Iy
275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGu4Z76StKG
雖然沒能繼續以夫妻之名一起生活下去，但我相信他：我清楚他的脾性，他真的會竭盡所能兌現承諾。當下問題是我能否接受、是否介意……不，該說是我有沒有拒絕和介意的本錢。275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1SRSTYgt9D
275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1wzEQ2VP5H
如果我不是急需用錢，我早已彈指將菸屁股射向前夫的臉；如果我不是需要有人幫忙照顧俊仔，我早已將阿美趕出家門；如果我不是知道為人母親之責任，我多麼想就此棄下俊仔，展開更自由自在的新生活！275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkD1emZGztv
275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuVUVT2euRz
可惜，世界從沒如果，只有因果。既然我誕下了俊仔，我就要必須對他負責——為了他，我不得不向現實低頭。275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCJ4FK1QU0c
275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWrJWn13P0r
「你為俊仔籌謀那筆款項吧。我實在沒有辦法。」我心不甘情不願，卻沒奈何。275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHdn7ZoZvXW
275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4e5nwuszJr
「好！等我好消息！」前夫笑得很燦爛，似是找到贖罪的方法，以後不需背負罵名。275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPwr1e9SN0Q
275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7qP4zT4hf8
我跟前夫揮手道別，然後慢步回家。275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡq5BG9nWZmL
275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8HL6BjeEh4
嗯……怎麼形容呢？平靜如水，所有情緒消散無蹤。沒有比剛才更難過，因為悉才低頭一剎已是頂峯。此刻腦袋裡再次塞滿無聊東西，甚或是比之前更無聊的。童年時與鄰座同學爭吵的片段、結婚前跟老媽到寶蓮寺拜大佛時的長長石級、兼職時拾到一個十元硬幣……細細碎碎的，散亂零落的。275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnBHhdsGoff
275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuOiLuu8c2p
忽爾完全失去抽菸的欲望。解釋不了，亦不需解釋，反正是個很不錯的改變。如果我沒有沾上抽菸惡習，也許省下來的錢足夠俊仔參加幾次交流團，自己亦不需向前夫求助……275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrbNqi5qtK7
275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoQXqC6dXXM
我淪落至此，自己或多或少該要負上些許責任吧……275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡs9UQ0hLFFY
275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ78x0nNu0aI
既然是自己的錯、自己的選擇，也就是活該，也就沒甚麼好抱怨……275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ83UdKDhQV9
275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkWxS5GHlr0
我活該……我活該……我活該……275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLXzVaedvZo
275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡak5JrFtksP
我如此催眠自己。275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCdF92xEjM7
註：此篇另收錄於短篇小說集《雜念集》。如有違規，煩請創挑主通知，願刪文配合。
ns216.73.216.176da2
