BLOOD AND HUMAN MEAT
Phobia from the perspective of a girl named Khushi.Written by a friend who finally decided to tell her story.
I love animals.28Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡo4jbzqJOfH
I really do.But I can’t go near them. Not because I’m scared of them—But because I’m scared of me.28Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaarOMgazYm
I’ve always had this... space inside me.An emptiness that hums. It feels cold and loud and quiet all at once.I try to ignore it. But sometimes it whispers.28Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzSBxRkioo5
And sometimes, it screams.
I remember the first time it really happened.One second I was laughing with my younger brother—The next, I was slamming his head into the table.Again.And again.And again.Until he stopped moving.28Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQIm8wHcthy
I didn’t want to.But I couldn’t stop.When it was over, I cried so hard I couldn’t breathe.That was the day I knew: something was wrong with me.
It got worse.I started craving blood. Not in a fantasy way. In a physical way.I imagined tearing into the people I loved.My parents.My friends.Alive.28Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWybAEZvRbB
Their skin. Their smell. Their muscles pulling away from bone.28Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGZqd78hZZ4
I stopped eating. I stopped sleeping. I stopped touching anyone.To keep them safe, I hurt myself.Scratched my skin raw.Bruised my own body with blunt objects.I counted 110 scars across my legs, my arms, my torso—like tally marks in a prison I built myself.28Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡu8HistKXfZ
I didn’t want to die.I wanted to be caged.
For one year, I rotted quietly.28Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡg4O6ybsWru
Then one night, I caught myself watching my father with a hunger in my eyes that terrified me.28Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhbMMojtf7j
I left home the next day.
I moved into a PG far from the city.I begged for a single room. Didn’t get it.Luckily, my roommates were never there when I was.It was like the world was giving me space to fall apart.28Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeXzriHFJkd
I tried to die seven times.28Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAEEbRZk3Q7
Jumped from a balcony.Held a knife to my throat.Grabbed a live wire.Stood in front of speeding cars.I always failed. Some part of me—just a thread—held on.28Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡv5l60XzyVD
But the cravings didn’t stop.So I bought handcuffs. Three of them.Every night, I locked my wrists and ankles together before bed, just in case.28Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlG3F0Ok8hq
I didn’t want to become a monster in my sleep.
Six months later, I stood naked in front of a mirror and counted the injuries again.28Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYgZeUpIQHe
There were more now.Too many to hide.Too many to keep living like this.28Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMStf6nj0tF
So I asked for help.
The psychologist listened. Didn’t flinch.He said my obsession with blood and flesh was a twisted coping mechanism.A need for control.A desperate scream for power in a world where I once felt powerless.28Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsiVtVllyug
He said something inside me had snapped long ago.Something I'd never been taught to name.28Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡP5z6WwyDaa
Now I’ve been in treatment for three months.28Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUphJLiw8tJ
Still breathing.Still afraid.28Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhJ35LeSXwy
Still me.
I don’t know if I’ll ever be "better."I don’t even know what “better” looks like.28Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkZOzmAw0OF
But at least now, the monster isn’t hiding.It’s sitting across from me in the mirror.And we’re learning how to live together—without killing anyone.28Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡU6MxkDnJ9i
Not today.Not again.
[Optional Epilogue: From an Outsider’s Eyes]
28Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9NDBEnaGKGShe talks like she’s made of glass, but her eyes are iron.You wouldn’t know what she’s survived unless she told you. You wouldn’t believe her even if she did.But I do. Because sometimes the ones who scare themselves the most… are the ones still trying to protect the world from their darkness.28Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1szxk9cV54
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