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Three Years Later…
Keegan
It’s been three years since Blue was taken away from me. Three agonizingly long years. But it’s almost over now.174Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsUr3yeRoks
It could have been a lot longer. Blue was originally sentenced to eight years in prison. Eight years. Just thinking about that now makes my stomach drop.174Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7xzRKJ5B35
I cried out when the sentence was read in the courtroom. Like a fool, I screamed at the panel that convicted him. I screamed at the judge. I couldn’t control myself. The sentence seemed so unfair, so pointless.174Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1B2LvSLjhY
Naturally, I was thrown out by the bailiff. So I didn’t even get to say goodbye to Blue before he was taken away.174Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡO9smtulnnE
Devastated, I went home to my room at the ranch. I curled up into a ball on my bed and stayed that way for the next week.174Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrrIz3IJWWf
I didn’t bathe; I barely ate. I just wanted to sleep all the time, to dream that Blue was right next to me, tangled up with me.174Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHdPxaVf0Qx
I didn’t want to see or speak to anyone. I was mad at the Army, mad at the world, mad at God.174Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡi68Yij5pHy
Most of all, I was so goddamn angry at myself. If I hadn’t written everything down in my journal, none of this would’ve happened.174Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2S6tOUeCMO
I didn’t see any way to go on. Not without Blue. Not for eight years, without Blue.174Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnUBcjQWwJM
When I finally emerged from my self-pitying coccoon and started acting somewhat sane, Virginia gave me the letter from Blue.174Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSoX2c95LMu
He’d intended for me to have it right away. But Holmlund was worried how it would affect me. So he gave the letter to my grandmother and asked her to give it to me when she thought the time was right.174Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrgDS0mqQo6
I was pissed that she held it for so long. More than pissed. I was fucking furious at both her and Holmlund. How dare they make that decision?174Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiO5iuT0C3l
I screamed at my grandmother. I told her she had no right to withhold the letter from me. I stormed out of the house and into the barn, saddled Okie and took off at a gallop with the letter still unopened in my jeans pocket.174Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLHPqXHEq1N
I didn’t read it until I reached the cabin. I went up to the loft, to the bed where I’d spent so many nights with Blue, ripped open the letter, and read it through, slowly, three times.174Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNYN0kgmyKN
Then I cried for what felt like forever.174Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOjx9OnWz7M
But after that, I got angry at Blue. I mean, I understood what he was trying to do. He was thinking of me, of what he thought was best for me.
But did he really think I would just walk away and forget I ever knew him? Did he really think I could do that?174Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUIwRXviWQp
By the time I headed back toward the house, it was dusk. I took it slow, giving Okie his lead, moving at a gentle pace through the dark. I cried a little more, thinking about my romantic ride through the darkness with Blue several months ago. It seemed like another lifetime, when we did that.174Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoiDluqfC9F
But I also started thinking about something Holmlund told me earlier when he called to check on me and Virginia literally had to force the phone into my hand.174Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡio2OlhQZ7Q
“Keegan,” Holmlund said, “do you remember I told you the day the verdict was read that it wasn’t the end, that I still had some tricks up my sleeve?174Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJg7sjDXkp3
I didn’t answer: I just stood there silently, sulking like a baby. But I was listening.174Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMJ3KbWM4zk
Holmlund went on, telling me about the Army Clemency and Parole Board.174Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMU7DqXOig3
“After nine months, Blue can request clemency from the board. That means his sentence could be set aside completely or at least reduced, if we can convince the board that he deserves it.”174Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ64Qr2cfRn7
And that lit a little flame of hope inside me. Clemency. If anybody deserves clemency, it is Blue Daniels.174Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0kXmANamTC
First though, we had to get through the initial nine months.174Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhpla5ovmSz
It took two months before I was allowed to visit Blue at Fort Leavenworth in Kansas. That’s because at first, he wouldn’t sign the permission form to have me cleared to come to the prison.174Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtAcBUI3QyK
He wouldn’t even make the collect call to the ranch that he was allowed once a week. He called his mother, but not me.174Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdQAWuOqWgf
He was applying tough love, I guess. He wanted me to do what he’d asked me to do in the letter. He wanted me to walk away.174Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡN0tP834dsA
But I was not going anywhere. And I was going to make Blue talk to me.174Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYCbfCULsF2
So I drove to Tulsa, to his mom’s house. A sympathetic Maria had told me when he was supposed to call her, and when he did, she answered and then handed the phone to me, walking away to give us some privacy.174Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡX1gSw9TWgO
I just stood there for a minute, holding the phone, debating what to say.174Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbJEwlCIQui
“Hello?” I heard Blue say. “Mama?”174Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGWF1wvKhj5
Then I exploded. “What the fuck is wrong with you?”174Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTJdZ4lEYHx
Silence on the other end. And then, finally, his voice, weak and uncertain. “Keegan?”174Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCyqzLHgZSu
“Answer my question!” I snapped. “What is wrong with you? What do you think you’re doing, cutting me out like this? Do you know what it’s doing to me, Blue? Do you?”174Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAMEbkJIOBq
He didn’t answer, so I barreled on.174Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡp0T1Hjs1xp
“How dare you send me a letter like that and then just expect me to walk away. Like I could even do that. What the hell were you thinking, huh? And, then, then, you pull this crap of not letting me come see you, not calling me?”174Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUJLNgDZGWh
He was still not responding, and I was working myself into a frenzy.174Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMH4ZTVwdBB
“You’re just a . . . a stubborn jackass! I’m not going anywhere, do you understand me? You are stuck with me. If I have to drive up to that prison and stand outside all day, every day, ‘til you sign that form, I’ll do it. You are not getting rid of me that easy. So don’t even think I’m walking away from you!”174Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBpWuGLeq7V
Still, there was silence. I began to wonder if he’d hung up. But listening closer, I could hear his shallow breathing. The kind of breaths you take when you’re crying.174Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡni044l3KKv
“For God’s sake, Blue, say something!”174Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSIoneNxyof
There was another long pause. “Eight years is too long, Keegan,” he finally said, sighing, his voice small and miserable. “It’s just too long. I can’t let you wait around for me, don’t you get that? I can’t do it.”174Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5qaqu5jUy2
“You have no choice. Do you get that, Blue? You. Have. No. Choice.”174Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6ecxFv9XtD
My body couldn’t decide at that moment whether to start screaming again or break down crying.174Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡj7cC794I55
“I’m waiting.” Now I'm half shouting and half crying. “And you are not shutting me out!"174Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlG0TkqTtxu
I let my words hang there a moment. Then I went on a tad more calmly.174Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeTAIw3zSsY
"Besides, it won’t be eight years. Don’t you remember the clemency board Holmlund talked about? We already have a plan on that. So don’t think you’re getting rid of me. I told you, I will come up to that prison and stand outside of it every fucking day until you let me in. And I mean it!”174Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgPyzPoJQ3Y
He did eventually sign the form, and Maria and I started taking turns driving up to see Blue. And he started calling me at the ranch as often as he could.174Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsNSFYhK8Ls
It wasn’t nearly enough. But it was better than nothing.174Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqgKi0urZEp
And that’s where Blue's music started to help. It was out there, being consumed, being shared, moving hearts and minds. Frasier Bryson was doing everything in his power to tell Blue's story, to advocate for him.174Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdPp74JVlzm
At the same time, Virginia was pulling political strings, calling in favors.174Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmdbOz3rvic
All of us—me, Holmlund, Virginia, Maria, Bryson —threw ourselves into the effort to get clemency for Blue.174Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxMogBv2MJQ
His conviction generated headlines around the world, and we did everything possible to keep his name and face and cause in the public eye for those nine long months before he could apply.174Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡX3WcyCyGkL
And public opinion started to change. You could feel it.174Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIHWogzVgBU
I mean, there were still plenty of haters out there. I tried to avoid seeing the venom online. We still had to be careful with our own security.174Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZLOIOuYUaz
But by the time Holmlund filed an appeal with the clemency board, public sympathy for Blue seemed at an all-time high.174Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6TLZgukOqQ
And when the board met, Cunny’s mom miraculously showed up to speak on Blue’s behalf, saying she believed clemency was what her son would want.174Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIcJP5wEOYQ
Blue broke down and sobbed as she spoke. So did I.174Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡy1GdKnBiPA
Even with all that, though, it took almost a year. The board dithered and delayed its decision. Holmlund said there must have been some strong opposition to granting Blue clemency.174Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvScD5n14SF
But finally—finally—we got word he would be released just after his three-year incarceration date.174Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtm0RglNniy
And now, I’m on the highway, almost to the Leavenworth exit. I’m going to pick him up, bring him home to the ranch.174Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYPnecXd6gz
Maria was kind enough to let me come by myself, to give us a little time alone together. She’s waiting at the ranch for him, along with Bryson.174Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡn0htKZzAjV
They’re a couple now. I guess when they met, they made an instant connection. Kind of like me and Blue.174Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQQEyVpy7Dz
They were scared to tell Blue about it at first. They didn’t know how he’d react. But he’s been okay with it. In fact, I think he’s thrilled.174Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxA8nIcKUjQ
“Who would have thought?” he laughed in our last phone call. “Bryson and my mom.”174Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKWV414cGpb
I’m beyond excited to get Blue out of prison. My body and my soul have ached for him every day, every second, that’s he been away. I’ve driven myself crazy thinking about what he’s gone through at Leavenworth.174Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzWkjaMFq68
I can’t wait for him to touch me, hold me, make love to me. I want him to be rough and tender and crazed with passion and wild with adoration, all at the same time.174Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSOSRCMOlyz
But I’m also nervous about our reunion. About how it will be between us. Three years is a long time, and inevitably, we’ve both changed.174Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡS1SKwbGm3E
Blue’s sadder, more introspective. I can see it in his eyes when I visit, hear it in his words.174Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3O9QVTf5N7
He’s been a model prisoner, teaching music classes to inmates, writing more songs. He’s a better, stronger person now, I think.174Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYdGOcguBb6
I’ve changed, too. At least I hope I have. The last three years have helped me grow up.174Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZm0STI1GXY
I’ve spent a lot of my time with my grandmother, helping care for her. That nagging cough that’s dogged her was diagnosed as lung cancer not long after Blue’s conviction.174Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9XrL2v8pfc
Just when it felt like we were getting closer, building the kind of relationship we should have had all along, I may be about to lose her.174Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0gYIXgW6Cj
I don’t know how much longer she has. The doctors say probably not more than a year. But they don’t understand what a tough old bird Virginia Cooke is. She may surprise us all.174Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSUQFMe3CNI
She’s still prickly, still regularly gets under my skin. But I understand her a lot better now.174Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqhycIctzo8
I’m about to finish my degree at OU. I couldn’t bring myself to go back to Ikana, assuming they’d have let me come back. It just wouldn’t be the same.174Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeEhtVLmtZB
And I’ve applied for law school. Not because my grandmother wanted it, but because, after what we’ve experienced, I’m a lot more interested in becoming a lawyer than I ever thought I’d be.174Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRcpLBBpZBT
I might still go into journalism. But I like the idea of having a law degree as well.174Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5TnEuI0rTw
In a surprising turn of events, my brother is now a student at Ikana. Buick is apparently breaking hearts all over campus.174Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQJt8lR6y0f
But that’s another story.174Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbW8oZZ2iUb
I see the Leavenworth sign up ahead and turn on my signal.174Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrAczbqPWSI
“I’m almost there, Blue,” I say. “I’m almost there.”174Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqB0CWkgtwp
~~~
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Interested in Keegan’s sexy brother Buick? He's got a searing story of his own that will start soon here on Penana! Be sure to follow me so you don't miss You Belong to Me. 😊
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