穿上周立沖的衣服，林蓁便一起躺在床上。399Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtZxvV8RmcT
399Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡislsSGPad3
他舉著平板電腦，二人一起看YouTube，她卻失神——399Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjRtQ2UgfMO
399Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmXYT333N1j
想起，方才輔導員重複問她：399Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvdbKG3NJyu
399Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpKnolS4L6B
「你有過自殺嘅經驗？可唔可以講吓係點㗎？」399Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8qg5Wcj9Y0
399Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAoyslMENnZ
原先，她表現好的落落大方、標準笑容全都在這一瞬萎縮。她的聲音變得好小，支支吾吾，說：399Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTUrqnb48we
399Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdWSbXqXPcT
「其實只係食咗一樽安眠藥，嗰陣時，無啦啦覺得繼續留喺度都無意思。但最後唔成功——」她乾笑幾聲，「好失敗啊可？」399Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4ZxNrvPz0p
399Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwI91YPlW0q
「好彩你無事，先可以嚟到呢度。」399Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVfzVbZkb10
399Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7x2puM0NGP
輔導員追問林蓁對日常生活的影響、過去創傷，在紙上抄抄寫寫；再三確認林蓁現時並無自殘自殺念頭後，輔導員說，兩天後，可以見輔導員，如有需要就去看精神科。399Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9a223yNM3w
399Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZc3dQ6CRaF
原來對著陌生人說話，比起與認識的人坦露真心容易，原來。399Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4IhwoCYxcU
399Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdkmehUXq22
反正只是見幾次，不需顧及印象及形象，而且，輔導員們見得太多人，越是獨特身份才越會害怕。399Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPuRdDkldJF
399Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlM9l7I9idM
林蓁説起家庭、愛情、友情、工作的不順，除了需費時組織，就像談論好天氣。399Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡi0qYbc7VsO
399Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡo4yWJqChrt
在等待確認下次見面日期時，她坐在房間外的沙發，也有學生一樣落座，和她對視，又移開目光。399Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡha7i8O7i34
399Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡV0Htroyqv1
「Counsellor話你唔算好急，下下下星期一早上十一點得唔得？」399Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjUTumzBKOp
399Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2i0ZCSJqKM
櫃台職員問林蓁旁邊的學生，他點點頭，應一句好。399Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfrLeO1p87n
399Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡecCCd1iHvC
當下，林蓁心驚，大家怎樣分辨緊急或遲緩呢？如果一個人，不是下一秒就要死，但也是非常傷心，只憑意志力維持日常——終於鼓起勇氣預約服務，最後被兜口兜面說「唔係好急」，該作何感想——林蓁忽然焦慮，是否因為多提一嘴曾經自殺，所以才有機會優先見輔導？399Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPJWJ0ktbNt
399Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡj7Px6uBeRN
可是，現在她還想活下去，其實也是「唔急」。399Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYB0PN7l3wL
399Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡipAdgqopdf
從輔導中心出來，雨下得很大。399Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPG8fZHGS4P
399Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡM0vcr3kouC
林蓁感覺，身體像要化在雨中，融成空絕，才罕有地主動致電周立沖，與他見面。然後，躲到室內，看雨落啊落。399Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6vZEgRa8UQ
399Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOVQT0PxxIY
溫溫馨馨地度過了一些似乎沒有意義的時光後，周立沖親吻林蓁，然後帶她煮飯。主要是他掌杓，她在旁邊遞遞食材、洗洗碗。399Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgw0Z8xbS8Z
399Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ41D7BqfmPw
「鍾意你。」他說。399Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYAWhCndSd8
399Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLaK6icba9v
「我都係。」她應。399Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4T5Mfmf8fr
399Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0xQwAP2Dlt
誰都不知當中有幾分是真。她將大部分心神放在眼前的晚餐上。399Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡd2mskm9M14
399Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLuXsq7sV9X
只有食物是安全的，吃進口裡，質感、味道，作不了假，落入胃的飽腹感始終沉實，像一個裝滿了石頭的麻袋墮入水中，本來怎樣空虛也好，最後還是落地，暫停無止境的飄游。只要不怕窒息，一時安心總是重要的。399Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJTJRyVdLyb
399Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5dTn2UBIcq
「好唔好食啊？有無太鹹？」399Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡucdwMDmb8F
399Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWKWboy0H6o
「好好食，咩都啱啱好！」399Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡn9yungWAcP
399Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡg64dD7fOa2
「A小姐都好鍾意食海鮮炒飯，之前同佢出面食，一眼就揀中。」他忍不住提起前度。399Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhf6U56NWcu
399Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQp7vgpLS4g
「你煮得有餐廳水平嘅。」她笑。399Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxOuOFgm70c
399Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAjFYAzf62x
二人過後做愛、入睡。399Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdr8xYJtZfd
399Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIYawLcqZ3T
林蓁沒有告知輔導員，和周立沖現在的關係，她只是說有一個喜歡的人，但不能一起。她怕被批判。399Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡh9IiWf13hw
399Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKAulrvCb7w
與前度再遇，又沒有建立承諾，無名無分，但有肉體上的交纏，這是不道德的關係，也罷；最怕是被人知道，自己愛而不得，迂迴地留在喜歡的人身邊，壓下所有嫉妒、佔有、迷惘，漸漸，也不知目的。399Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEUgW1DNxMJ
399Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3ODmlxtPbW
她難以忍受被人以輕蔑眼神看待，這令她想起父親。所以，每次談到現在，她也無法披露和周立沖的後續故事。399Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnKvy1uCZNr
399Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuRVr9BNhUZ
即使，她會在心裡一句句「唔係好女仔」地罵自己，還是，無法讓身邊的人知道。399Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPmrFsWFc2C
399Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡctjdJqALhY
無論經過怎樣的情感掙扎及理性思考——399Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqz5SpNQAf6
399Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWILjflJMi5
哎吔，佢真心鍾意你就唔會捨得你唔開心。399Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqzfQnfjydC
399Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlRA3fjgvec
哎吔，你到底想唔想要幸福？再同佢過落去真係對未來有幫助咩？399Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlqMv7ygfD7
399Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbWbDqte8dT
哎吔，你有無必要委屈自己屈埋咁多嘢呢？399Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5KMBc3VBvd
399Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIx8JBgsmE3
哎吔，佢個心喺人哋度，同你共對，連佢見到嘅係咪你都唔肯定、唔敢問。399Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3g8sP925jD
399Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0Yjl3Lh3yu
哎吔，你想要人陪，定係要佢陪？399Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdtVxcg0bxF
399Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWW1OFhq0pk
她糊糊塗塗。399Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡe4rcet7gC4
399Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfXxiEDdGCN
總之，她繼續與周立沖交纏。399Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5vtMIdfMge
399Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyx8q3Urufe
最怕空虛。399Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuKtNAuT2pV
399Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqBoLsRABBG
/399Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMk4113GWQm
399Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLfdPuBxd29
兩天後，林蓁與輔導員見面。399Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPdAyMoWtt6
399Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCkj6crb2DP
輔導員頭髮長長，笑容極具感染力，整齊雪白的上排牙教人也想跟住笑，像一種熱情的邀約。或出於本能，或出於禮貌，林蓁變得熱情，一來就講講講，不斷敍述。399Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4vuqS9dTqZ
399Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3uiuoxD77z
她唸心理學，也讀過輔導課程，很快便引入自己的情況，分門別類，強調自己沒有想死，日常「高功能」，生活如常。399Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTKIyQTqFpi
399Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡR4fiRXcfcW
「你放鬆啲先，放低腦裡面好多好多嘅事，我哋逐樣逐樣，仔細少少咁講。」這次，輔導員沒有笑。399Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡB0alRZcF0O
399Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2BnLJkre3V
「好。」林蓁也跟著嚴肅。399Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡh5xmlKT7I3
399Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡagNSF5StpG
發現自己「有啲唔對路」，是一向自詡記性甚好的她，常常忘記發生過的事，在聽別人說話時，無法專心。399Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5VKTflsIl1
399Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ465cuo5Hwe
她在兼職送外賣時失神，回神發現自己竟越行越遠，凍檸茶的冰一早融化。她不禁慶幸並無將飲料倒瀉。還有，令她後知後覺的害怕是，時時忘記為什麼來到正身處之地，一刻清醒，完全無法辨認身在何方，沒有任何步行的記憶。最初，她還戲想，難道自己有了超能力、懂得瞬間轉移？但是她突然醒來的茫然和被路人碰撞的肉體，只讓她肯定：不是！不是！哪種神奇力量會只得危害生命的後果呢。399Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuKnPObOGZ8
399Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5Pixk5SyO6
她不過在日常之中夢遊。399Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8VL0v8owLW
399Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGWGKlxjZvO
「幾時開始呢？」輔導員問。399Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡl6q9z9VT9l
399Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWkLg1RSbdf
「上年12月開始。」399Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzpRxjsXC2I
399Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmOwP3oTHjO
「頻率係？」399Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8yquO0Cn8k
399Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfrPhLgF21q
「幾日一次？我都唔肯定。」399Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡz2BJkSyGMc
399Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYPob6cSBGM
「呢個係其中一個你嚟呢度嘅原因？」399Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJ3uRQ6u43x
399Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpaANt4wddO
「可以咁講，我唔想死住嘛。但最主要都係失眠。」林蓁又笑。399Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkMIaqpzRwL
399Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡH71Xu0fT79
她不是刻意裝出這個嘴角的弧度，只是習慣。相比起讓輔導員覺得她很嚴重、要死了要死了，她寧願真誠地擺出一個「其實我真的還好」的樣子。內心深處，她還是希望輔導中心理一理她，但又不要將太多資源放在她身上。明明，她有半年多時間「夢遊」，此前也常常覺得生活無望——399Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡB6DLFYIIOz
399Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiF19NbFkmj
喂，但活來活去都未死！扮咩抑鬱啫，真係有事就快啲自殺啦。399Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGlwLjEQ0NW
399Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡu1hAL0oCQ1
——其實你講嚟講去，都係呢啲。399Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ619njIcpxZ
399Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBx0V7WoaMJ
——如果真係咁辛苦，不如試吓踏出第一步改變？399Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7UrIde6J5u
399Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTXBaV33aig
恍神間，她想起舊時的自己，時時擔當聆聽者給予他們安慰，也許是生性沉靜、守口如瓶之故，所以，她總可以收集許多秘密和心事。或許擅長安慰別人的人，不是陽光、樂觀、積極，正正是可以共情一些負能量，才可給予易地而處的回應。399Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLvwo02avdn
399Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0thBakyP2O
然而，可能是形象予人的印象太深刻，當她後來主動談起自己，除了第一次別人比較好奇和關心，以後，誰都無法適應。人與人之間的角色，沒有那麼流通，稍一不慎便失序，亂成一團。她用同一雙傾聽心事的耳朵，接收朋友叫她「唔好再無啦啦唔開心啦」。399Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBf4yAJWYEY
399Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSb8BGNRWdI
——你到底唔開心緊啲咩呢？399Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmU826gaXnf
399Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHdtXls861D
——過去嘅事，都係要睇開啲㗎啦。399Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡD0B2AGTBLW
399Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡabNqg5vWCo
認識一個人，和他說過去、現在、未來，這些那些時空的自己，若要以言語裝載，又不知落點何在。399Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡX08FkEJsxK
399Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrAJKdQb0vZ
後來她說出口，由於不開心的事——最令她不開心的事，其實也是那些，然而，從聆聽角度上，也許太沒有新鮮感，因此不夠吸引。她已經嘗試，怎樣為那些在她心上植根多年的舊枝葉，多加兩朵花。譬如，在說她失去舊愛人時，則會提起「今天出門時，見到他」。399Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWXcUcvIaDm
399Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEWyEUHuezG
連傾訴都不真誠。399Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsdmjWlGPWG
399Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrCrSSk46CY
不開心又不去死。399Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡz8ye1VzyWj
399Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJF7BH153L8
不去死又不改變。399Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJf2kFqdlg1
399Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvxlsBa22as
林蓁語詞混亂地將以上說了一通，又補充：399Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsXelTLRP5G
399Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnMabczi0nx
「但佢哋其實係我朋友，都對我唔錯……唔係真係唔鍾意我，只係唔覺得我覺得唔開心嘅事，真係值得唔開心，或者，唔開心咁耐。佢哋會認真畀意見我，話自己以前都經歷過，嚴重得多，所有嘢都會過去，只要願意。只係我無辦法。」399Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeNXkfErH7V
399Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7jvBVp2NwV
無辦法。她無辦法以快樂回報朋友的關心。399Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeIQtgnKnZV
399Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡB2I0XRCWZB
