然後，她去替人補習，如常地，五點半到達學生的家。學生是一對姊妹，輪流上課，每人一小時。七點半，她便離開，回家煮個公仔面食。340Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqOdzQVOE7n
340Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡG4U8xWnPSI
/340Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAHE9v0LgR7
340Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAEI6m6HkUW
這一年來，林蓁偶然回家睡覺，偶然在外過夜。要說「偶然」，好像並不準確，最近她與周立沖交好，時時留在他宿舍，但有時，她也天天回家，畢竟宿舍不是她的家。340Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLDylJMmCx7
340Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKM0rYKwEkH
一家五口，她是二妹，也是二家姐，大家姐一早移居國外，弟弟則到外國讀書，家中只得她一個。以前，她忘記過自己有家姐，這幾年，快要連有弟弟也忘記。340Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡM1vOJlpdln
340Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbir66DbNh4
進門，燈火通明，林父在客廳看電視，背靠輪椅。340Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiXziuzUDLm
340Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaAlV1UlBbX
「林蓁，攞紙巾過嚟。」340Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnr0kXKUC10
340Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQDD0iXqg3h
他與那個口中怒吼「你跟我姓㗎！食我嘅住我嘅，我打死你都冇人知！」的父親形象已大大不同，經歷中風，身體羸弱的他一改舊日暴戾，平靜地如一般退休老人。現在，他需要倚靠女兒的照顧。340Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHHu5jDaNdA
340Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZUOGCBtgbp
因此，像什麼事都沒有發生過一樣，與女兒「正常共對」。哪怕流露出一點點愧疚，林蓁也會好過一些。340Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7PEeAZaDHL
340Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡE8Z32nI6Zm
她沒有刻意回憶舊事，但還是記得過往——340Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqU4AiuMUGf
340Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlneMfPsYTg
林父最初，只會打大家姐。大家姐長得高，人又聰明，時時駁嘴。340Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJSGPHDNbB0
340Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡh0oJts5jrF
他心情不好便會打她。340Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7J7pCxDXfW
340Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3NlCg4Lbnt
大家姐多數不吭一聲，直直地瞪著父親，眼睛通紅。父親最討厭她這模樣，知道她現在不說話不求饒，為著平時他說些什麼時冷靜地反駁，他抄起飯桌上的鏡子，往她的膞頭骨打下去。340Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡT2Odbsy6C8
340Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCyy3XYGnFb
一下一下打下去。340Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzMAzeGqWo9
340Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiYYlpq1zHb
「你唔聽話吖嘛？答我呀！我生你養你打死你都無問題呀！」340Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡI2J5CTPpwo
340Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡE0qJCHBrSN
「我無唔聽話呀！」340Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3zqH6xoSd0
340Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtRVDjJnrcy
「仲講大話！」340Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPTK6fGMW7L
340Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIfzCbwvctj
他捉住大家姐的頭髮，髮根吃痛，她便用腳爬到父親用力的方向，他更輕鬆地把她的頭按在地上。340Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSocxXkEeae
340Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBAYsOMOMoQ
打人工具不多，或是說沒有特定工具，要麼隨手拿起便敲到身上，要麼單純用手打打打㩒㩒㩒刮刮刮。他那樣即興，像一份浪漫美意。340Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZ7R5SmtSh9
340Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡy0lK7Bysll
彼時林蓁和弟弟跪坐在房內，隔著一段距離，看爸爸和家姐。340Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVYuy8g6Gmg
340Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcvGZzcjTpT
「你哋兩個唔好似最大嗰件咁壞！如果唔係連你哋都打。」340Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKb2M0be8B0
340Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvO41zCyxVs
小小林蓁會忍不住哭出聲來。340Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡacMUvNB0FH
340Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaLfKTLWR4O
她對父親恐懼，卻又覺得是家姐首先「曳」，所以才被父親打。她會出去，將攤在地上的家姐扶起，說：340Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSiVw6mVc9E
340Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKV10v92RF5
「你以後都唔好激嬲阿爸啦。」340Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7sBesXp3ru
340Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡznSnktvxeM
家姐只是拍開林蓁的手：「縮頭烏龜，唔使你可憐。」340Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIuN5AmVs2R
340Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡy21Rta1n5W
媽媽回家，見到屋內一片死寂，也沒提什麼，只說：「開飯啦。」340Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKQYtNUBWIi
340Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3czn1g7kjO
/340Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCsl64bFmzp
340Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxYu9JLE1lY
然後，林蓁把紙巾遞給父親，他抽出，用力呻鼻涕。340Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzQURzMgwYV
340Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCOH3Xr8uNY
她去煮辛辣麵，不再另以碗裝住，就這樣捧著鍋吃，坐在客廳，沒有和父親看一樣的電視內容，只是看電話。新聞新聞，姜濤，譚仔，SASA特價，清潔工權利，腦袋卻無法裝載更多。340Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYNCBDfPqRw
340Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpf7MRieHas
快快吃完，她去洗鍋。340Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFlTyYSVxKj
340Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡm6LPwTkmgs
林蓁從不會過分霸佔一個空間，即使長期留在一個地方，如家，如周立沖的宿舍，她的物件都沒有幾多。340Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLSDAZ41xqa
340Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡahNLmQAtRv
自小，父親便不喜歡她將玩具放出客廳，有次，她將一個小熊公仔放在沙發上，然後去廁所，出來時，便不見了小熊。340Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡn4XAdxMDkB
340Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡabhvZUJnI3
「熊仔去咗邊？」340Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKr4xaV3okp
340Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSSM8Xh3kdk
「我抌咗。」340Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfpSSA5hQzh
340Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZhU8H1CmRm
「吓……」她小小聲，馬上到垃圾桶裡撿小熊，只見它對上有一堆橙皮、紙巾、洋蔥。倒是沒有哭，只不斷地用水沖涮小熊，又嗅了嗅，酸臭味仍然不走，加梘液，起泡刷。340Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡColwMR5BvD
340Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzgM8qGf5nY
當時她已很怕父親，便不敢說什麼，只環抱小熊，在他面前行過，證明她對小熊不離不棄。從此，她不再將自己的東西，放在「不屬於自己」的地方，譬如客廳、廚房。340Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzljbduQsTF
340Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡipS09xV79f
她在家霸佔的位置也越來越小，開始覺得多餘。340Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡl4Uozcmjxc
340Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbKQJsq1DmG
此刻，斟了一杯水後，林蓁在父親面前吃藥，他的眼神依然死死盯著電視螢幕。她根本不必避諱。她是幸運的。在避談精神病的城裡，她的親人要麼離開了，要麼對她不管不顧，誰管她的死活呢。一個人的能量有限，她不必花心神在隱藏自己的狀態之上。340Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjr0o1bKoML
340Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFddABPLZUG
和她一屋簷下的血親，甚至不知道她幾歲、唸什麼、將來會返咩工。340Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGqOBK8fftS
340Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjxtFunBmJd
二人不會說話——反正她不會牽起話頭。340Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsamVpJEwb6
340Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfIx5mushY8
和他，不知有什麼好講。每個家庭，也是如此麼——恐怕不是，畢竟她羨慕過別人家的融洽和睦。閉上屋門，死氣沉沉，只得腳步聲來來回回拖拉。對於她現在的一切，除了煞有介事地和輔導員講之外，就沒有辦法與人道，慢慢，她的語言能力也枯萎，必要說的事以外，連組織也困難。340Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDJFxn7sQnF
340Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOiLaWxia8q
有時，她會怨恨全屋人都走光，家姐一早撇下她，母親死了，細佬又走，得她一個留在家。340Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlXrz4xAbE7
340Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZ3imLffrET
家姐離開後，父親便找林蓁出氣，依然是拳打腳踢。340Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQtOB4I1zwN
340Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYs532DJSXr
但，她從來沒有「激嬲」父親。340Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDc0jWxryft
340Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTmWE11WrLJ
/340Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYuSTnKjvAO
340Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4CLv9nCQfX
那時，小小林蓁和家姐陷入一種莫名其妙的冷戰。340Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiw8GGLUiIP
340Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1O8NLGeFZO
二人沒有吵架，只是，當林蓁叫家姐不要再惹父親生氣、又故作乖巧地斟水給他喝消消氣後，家姐每次見她，便沒有好臉色。340Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡncbOBIh5ya
340Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOSkRDCscXc
作為二女兒，家庭的中間位置，平凡、不突出、不顯眼；林蓁擁有「希望所有人都喜歡自己」的渴望，否則，誰會關心她呢。家姐更聰明堅強，而弟弟是家中唯一男兒。340Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNQVFh0hG7A
340Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡz4wf6pfWk5
林蓁總是溫溫和和，不吵不鬧，她一早發現自己不是可以雲淡風輕的天之驕子，也沒有勇氣離經叛道做野孩子，要得到歡心和關注，只能做好自身，微笑對人，得體應答，天真可愛，人蓄無害——她有這樣的天賦。340Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKZVXcT3hAb
340Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOuoRoKM554
她自覺喜歡充當人與人之間的潤滑劑，或者說是，討厭別人對立，每次如此，她不知道應該支持哪方。而且，別人若是熱鬧，又有誰看見只瑟縮的她呢。340Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkBNncLt7d6
340Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2jJol1JEFu
所以，每次家姐被父親打，林蓁也會看看家姐，問她痛不痛。340Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡG987n2R3hE
340Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkxXnU6RYn1
「你匿埋都唔緊要，你同細佬仲細，都無辦法攔到阿爸。但點解要叫我唔好激佢？」家姐說。340Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxOZ2BdR1KI
340Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBK0tm3gXvs
「我驚你畀佢打得更加犀利。」林蓁說。340Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiJqMEHUdMZ
340Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZsEGBXb0vg
「唔係我令到佢打我㗎！係佢自己發神經㗎！」340Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6HKZ5ittYy
340Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbrSv08PvIU
「咁佢打緊你嗰陣時，向佢求饒，等佢快啲打完啦……」340Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5Tj8vZBHdT
340Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCTMayglEEB
「佢又打唔死我，為咗嗰少少快啲打完，求佢？你係我個妹，咁無骨氣？」340Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlHXzjOzYLH
340Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkkz3ZkBKYy
林蓁不知為何，竟然哭了起來。340Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡu1mRwCuthI
340Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsqkNg1rFIt
「你仲喊！又唔係你畀人打！你仲要斟水畀阿爸！喊喊喊，你喊咩呀？」340Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvt2YzfZtqV
340Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1Hkq36uvte
姊妹二人，一連幾日沒有說過話。起初，林蓁還厚著面皮，將自己早餐的面包及腸仔分給家姐（父親罰家姐不準食飯），但被拒絕。後來，林蓁也生氣起來，心想你不理我我也不理你，便不再主動和家姐搭話。二人其實一直也留意對方，回頭時會對視，但只有一秒，都急急移開目光。340Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgNkgda5yFs
340Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGxNtBKvuvs
直至父親又打家姐。340Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwQVQnmpSXu
340Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcm6gawe1XM
原因並不特別，就是家姐食飯食得慢，父親生氣，便打她。340Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcAlxFGktd4
340Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡo6tBhipEmt
家姐依然沒有說話，雖然流淚但沒有出聲。林蓁依然擁著弟弟瑟縮一角，只是，下一秒，她又想到，家姐生氣可能是因為以前她沒有出來維護家人，於是，她便鼓起勇氣，衝出來：340Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjG4nImJP9M
340Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡubOix2ecqF
「阿爸唔好再打啦！家姐知錯啦！」340Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaqEoPiuzhD
340Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhIJAWjmb0B
「佢知錯？咁佢唔講？」340Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0KkRW4ROOx
340Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzL8EBErmiR
「家姐真係知錯！」林蓁情不自禁地流淚起來：「你望吓！家姐喊！全面都係眼淚，佢只係唔好意思講咋嘛！」340Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtUBv7eHLwe
340Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8PKUZrc0IO
「喊代表知錯咩？佢唔知有悔意喎！」340Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxAx4MTHQjg
340Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡz1MLJdcFcv
「真㗎真㗎！」林蓁撒謊：「上次你話完佢，佢話你講得啱㗎！」340Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡf2MQDvO3lk
340Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFzKCm3mwG8
「我無！」家姐搖頭。340Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuGD9lonwVg
340Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡthdKbzisvM
「你唔好口硬啦，已經好多傷啦！」340Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRdx0T0CCnC
340Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwrneWRMkA0
「既然你哋咁講，今日就算，以後再駁嘴就打。」340Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNZNwKZes0c
340Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdfHe8mx5XE
「多謝阿爸。」340Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEwlKVT2dQb
340Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCdOwrd1cuT
家姐推了林蓁落地。340Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuQPpjKwPMV
340Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNIAxkjnJDf
「你做咩要咁講啊？做咪屈我啊？」340Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9Fxm55h30T
340Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡc0vUErRJhU
「我唔想阿爸再打你咋。」340Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTHdgCXqULG
340Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡG4p8x2ATyu
「你根本唔明，我被佢打係因為曳咩？佢想無啦啦打人咋！咁啱係我。你同佢求饒？以後佢都係會打㗎！同呢啲人講對唔住做咩？」340Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcuhgUXGfNZ
340Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡi5jYB4Xc6m
以往家姐怎樣被父親打，眼睛紅紅，但始終沒有哭出聲來。她在內心與己戰鬥：喊出嚟就輸。340Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡidFunpuvzr
340Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡI1sCE9zAOc
但現在，家姐越說越委屈，竟然哭了。340Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHf3WGH31aR
340Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmh9h7UffnY
小小林蓁不明白，以為為家姐好。多年後，她才知道，家姐覺得林蓁擅作主張的求饒，是一種背叛。340Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLf2kKUW8aM
340Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlJW1yvEyqT
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340Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2qkhxZndrp
隨即，她去洗澡，在黑暗中淋浴，覺得一切都很靜，視覺的減退一併萎縮其他感官。340Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNgIHTzET7F
340Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmwlzPi4XWt
不知是否吃了藥的緣故，她比以往快入睡。340Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJ6M0j00FEW
