然後，她去替人補習，如常地，五點半到達學生的家。學生是一對姊妹，輪流上課，每人一小時。七點半，她便離開，回家煮個公仔面食。339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNmyjKtK0Lu
339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡv92BZKLpAt
/339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡErTZBEkJ3A
339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaV5YuTuDoP
這一年來，林蓁偶然回家睡覺，偶然在外過夜。要說「偶然」，好像並不準確，最近她與周立沖交好，時時留在他宿舍，但有時，她也天天回家，畢竟宿舍不是她的家。339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0dUrhz5iLl
339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlX3h8QbnMh
一家五口，她是二妹，也是二家姐，大家姐一早移居國外，弟弟則到外國讀書，家中只得她一個。以前，她忘記過自己有家姐，這幾年，快要連有弟弟也忘記。339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTdB3fjdGyU
339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡe7l1WYhrkN
進門，燈火通明，林父在客廳看電視，背靠輪椅。339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWJddWWTPUe
339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8DicHkD5Bo
「林蓁，攞紙巾過嚟。」339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmE0WzREyYB
339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwCnBEtw8Ln
他與那個口中怒吼「你跟我姓㗎！食我嘅住我嘅，我打死你都冇人知！」的父親形象已大大不同，經歷中風，身體羸弱的他一改舊日暴戾，平靜地如一般退休老人。現在，他需要倚靠女兒的照顧。339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0i24ox5hoD
339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwtsjAJFoiF
因此，像什麼事都沒有發生過一樣，與女兒「正常共對」。哪怕流露出一點點愧疚，林蓁也會好過一些。339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhJingirA9F
339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpCjrxQ11Qg
她沒有刻意回憶舊事，但還是記得過往——339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYD8H3FTcT9
339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ41mmPEhOMG
林父最初，只會打大家姐。大家姐長得高，人又聰明，時時駁嘴。339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYyeUW6n5EK
339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNtAVJk8UaC
他心情不好便會打她。339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡII1lHI5BU8
339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡb4WwcixgFF
大家姐多數不吭一聲，直直地瞪著父親，眼睛通紅。父親最討厭她這模樣，知道她現在不說話不求饒，為著平時他說些什麼時冷靜地反駁，他抄起飯桌上的鏡子，往她的膞頭骨打下去。339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3A2vmKIpPJ
339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCzUXv5M6Lr
一下一下打下去。339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2b6MZ0NvKa
339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsjbztWF941
「你唔聽話吖嘛？答我呀！我生你養你打死你都無問題呀！」339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSttBfV1Xmg
339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡredef1lnRd
「我無唔聽話呀！」339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0ysTdIiQQJ
339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEWnzOykoCO
「仲講大話！」339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJxLBVPA7JL
339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJmu3BKFy4J
他捉住大家姐的頭髮，髮根吃痛，她便用腳爬到父親用力的方向，他更輕鬆地把她的頭按在地上。339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvXHFSobw1x
339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡriXndrfmvL
打人工具不多，或是說沒有特定工具，要麼隨手拿起便敲到身上，要麼單純用手打打打㩒㩒㩒刮刮刮。他那樣即興，像一份浪漫美意。339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6q65YJSrd4
339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZEERwadF5B
彼時林蓁和弟弟跪坐在房內，隔著一段距離，看爸爸和家姐。339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡElIfDtbhKu
339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡF090yGF3pT
「你哋兩個唔好似最大嗰件咁壞！如果唔係連你哋都打。」339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAeaQKq3Omc
339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWjxpbLKp9J
小小林蓁會忍不住哭出聲來。339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHs0EqZRiXB
339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZPh3fxlZBi
她對父親恐懼，卻又覺得是家姐首先「曳」，所以才被父親打。她會出去，將攤在地上的家姐扶起，說：339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0yPuB7Jx1y
339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqgjpktTs0p
「你以後都唔好激嬲阿爸啦。」339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ95rv3o0i9P
339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMnw8VmeXKs
家姐只是拍開林蓁的手：「縮頭烏龜，唔使你可憐。」339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeIvzyZpdW5
339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ75Y3jwkHff
媽媽回家，見到屋內一片死寂，也沒提什麼，只說：「開飯啦。」339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpLhu15uOIh
339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKJossxdMLD
/339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqLYv7wF451
339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡU8iHuX2WBh
然後，林蓁把紙巾遞給父親，他抽出，用力呻鼻涕。339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuwF3kIFvZq
339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡth9JztW2eJ
她去煮辛辣麵，不再另以碗裝住，就這樣捧著鍋吃，坐在客廳，沒有和父親看一樣的電視內容，只是看電話。新聞新聞，姜濤，譚仔，SASA特價，清潔工權利，腦袋卻無法裝載更多。339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCj34sURwqh
339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXJEApMLOrd
快快吃完，她去洗鍋。339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0Y9TIPqU3w
339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡowVxYPUsdk
林蓁從不會過分霸佔一個空間，即使長期留在一個地方，如家，如周立沖的宿舍，她的物件都沒有幾多。339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0dWlwsCDCh
339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRDwXmsedEy
自小，父親便不喜歡她將玩具放出客廳，有次，她將一個小熊公仔放在沙發上，然後去廁所，出來時，便不見了小熊。339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLkWbMMlhoA
339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzCRwa09hc6
「熊仔去咗邊？」339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfB4ag6ippy
339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNbitEK7V0l
「我抌咗。」339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7EACoa10kB
339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6vDbgF7uzU
「吓……」她小小聲，馬上到垃圾桶裡撿小熊，只見它對上有一堆橙皮、紙巾、洋蔥。倒是沒有哭，只不斷地用水沖涮小熊，又嗅了嗅，酸臭味仍然不走，加梘液，起泡刷。339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡC56UeyMB38
339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHORUEyJQYy
當時她已很怕父親，便不敢說什麼，只環抱小熊，在他面前行過，證明她對小熊不離不棄。從此，她不再將自己的東西，放在「不屬於自己」的地方，譬如客廳、廚房。339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjxURgPlrWO
339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCXQSrqssDG
她在家霸佔的位置也越來越小，開始覺得多餘。339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCBXu6AYgB3
339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOObrETSOKm
此刻，斟了一杯水後，林蓁在父親面前吃藥，他的眼神依然死死盯著電視螢幕。她根本不必避諱。她是幸運的。在避談精神病的城裡，她的親人要麼離開了，要麼對她不管不顧，誰管她的死活呢。一個人的能量有限，她不必花心神在隱藏自己的狀態之上。339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUzlS8isvjI
339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcMaWh4QHIN
和她一屋簷下的血親，甚至不知道她幾歲、唸什麼、將來會返咩工。339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡp4qJRccLNQ
339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPpcTY7xjIN
二人不會說話——反正她不會牽起話頭。339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRYGx1jWmGX
339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡK5XiXETHMs
和他，不知有什麼好講。每個家庭，也是如此麼——恐怕不是，畢竟她羨慕過別人家的融洽和睦。閉上屋門，死氣沉沉，只得腳步聲來來回回拖拉。對於她現在的一切，除了煞有介事地和輔導員講之外，就沒有辦法與人道，慢慢，她的語言能力也枯萎，必要說的事以外，連組織也困難。339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡa3aaCzMB4R
339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVDHQuHMl3e
有時，她會怨恨全屋人都走光，家姐一早撇下她，母親死了，細佬又走，得她一個留在家。339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmfOFPcByLs
339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTjQChlze8f
家姐離開後，父親便找林蓁出氣，依然是拳打腳踢。339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4bF348KSIj
339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbzYzfk0Z0k
但，她從來沒有「激嬲」父親。339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡe1YzkQc6KA
339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmycy8agMqM
/339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNZu0W5GxTM
339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡejJ3Gpeiam
那時，小小林蓁和家姐陷入一種莫名其妙的冷戰。339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡo0k3iNCV5Z
339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqY0B4apZ0z
二人沒有吵架，只是，當林蓁叫家姐不要再惹父親生氣、又故作乖巧地斟水給他喝消消氣後，家姐每次見她，便沒有好臉色。339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCp28X9ka2b
339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVogeUkSwcd
作為二女兒，家庭的中間位置，平凡、不突出、不顯眼；林蓁擁有「希望所有人都喜歡自己」的渴望，否則，誰會關心她呢。家姐更聰明堅強，而弟弟是家中唯一男兒。339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡm9nUgC8uBp
339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOm2T6QJmnM
林蓁總是溫溫和和，不吵不鬧，她一早發現自己不是可以雲淡風輕的天之驕子，也沒有勇氣離經叛道做野孩子，要得到歡心和關注，只能做好自身，微笑對人，得體應答，天真可愛，人蓄無害——她有這樣的天賦。339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmqNY12lrEv
339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyWJZrWlZsG
她自覺喜歡充當人與人之間的潤滑劑，或者說是，討厭別人對立，每次如此，她不知道應該支持哪方。而且，別人若是熱鬧，又有誰看見只瑟縮的她呢。339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡb8BADYYguO
339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4S5Zd2siZn
所以，每次家姐被父親打，林蓁也會看看家姐，問她痛不痛。339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrZYfhkEF29
339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmLcl3alEHZ
「你匿埋都唔緊要，你同細佬仲細，都無辦法攔到阿爸。但點解要叫我唔好激佢？」家姐說。339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoxN3mSd0Cg
339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6rP1S39Gd0
「我驚你畀佢打得更加犀利。」林蓁說。339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvnkgLQaJP2
339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6L3F5mzrWz
「唔係我令到佢打我㗎！係佢自己發神經㗎！」339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsTX1fdi5GG
339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqtCsNcXql4
「咁佢打緊你嗰陣時，向佢求饒，等佢快啲打完啦……」339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXiYPxfvrQC
339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtEpuTvXzOo
「佢又打唔死我，為咗嗰少少快啲打完，求佢？你係我個妹，咁無骨氣？」339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOafgVtpMfY
339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ21OUQylobC
林蓁不知為何，竟然哭了起來。339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4Rw5xRDedi
339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3vvFEVj5nd
「你仲喊！又唔係你畀人打！你仲要斟水畀阿爸！喊喊喊，你喊咩呀？」339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8OwcyHj1We
339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡv6XKTWT5hd
姊妹二人，一連幾日沒有說過話。起初，林蓁還厚著面皮，將自己早餐的面包及腸仔分給家姐（父親罰家姐不準食飯），但被拒絕。後來，林蓁也生氣起來，心想你不理我我也不理你，便不再主動和家姐搭話。二人其實一直也留意對方，回頭時會對視，但只有一秒，都急急移開目光。339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡn1w6ImZyfq
339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGqbZe9iLRc
直至父親又打家姐。339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡV8bRIAIqhW
339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1BeCkB3U89
原因並不特別，就是家姐食飯食得慢，父親生氣，便打她。339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKRt0Ka9LVB
339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkYrYqIauYt
家姐依然沒有說話，雖然流淚但沒有出聲。林蓁依然擁著弟弟瑟縮一角，只是，下一秒，她又想到，家姐生氣可能是因為以前她沒有出來維護家人，於是，她便鼓起勇氣，衝出來：339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuBKVwMu0vS
339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGn1SlVs3ri
「阿爸唔好再打啦！家姐知錯啦！」339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOhAKGQhIeO
339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnNmcMF0fWW
「佢知錯？咁佢唔講？」339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVXxUTZVZ0Y
339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZl80ANzpW2
「家姐真係知錯！」林蓁情不自禁地流淚起來：「你望吓！家姐喊！全面都係眼淚，佢只係唔好意思講咋嘛！」339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNdtVmtl2Sx
339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWdyXDrrEKA
「喊代表知錯咩？佢唔知有悔意喎！」339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡq16BGH5Qxb
339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHQbenRSOQh
「真㗎真㗎！」林蓁撒謊：「上次你話完佢，佢話你講得啱㗎！」339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgZSSwmZPid
339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQefiA5ZkKO
「我無！」家姐搖頭。339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtOPQIZQsVl
339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4natEcbHmK
「你唔好口硬啦，已經好多傷啦！」339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRaDkUFXdR3
339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbADSPAlgEK
「既然你哋咁講，今日就算，以後再駁嘴就打。」339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMxFLn1TGT5
339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBUcYIr622w
「多謝阿爸。」339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhhad4YUBRg
339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbc2vmK6Cve
家姐推了林蓁落地。339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVMsl9HkUHN
339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjjCvlXcf7n
「你做咩要咁講啊？做咪屈我啊？」339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSC1hMf7nxz
339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ52bFMqcjRw
「我唔想阿爸再打你咋。」339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0xFQW270lv
339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLK1v0WZUTh
「你根本唔明，我被佢打係因為曳咩？佢想無啦啦打人咋！咁啱係我。你同佢求饒？以後佢都係會打㗎！同呢啲人講對唔住做咩？」339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNkDMnr1pau
339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTX3k8qqrRF
以往家姐怎樣被父親打，眼睛紅紅，但始終沒有哭出聲來。她在內心與己戰鬥：喊出嚟就輸。339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQkaUwQ9Tar
339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaxy2HFUGey
但現在，家姐越說越委屈，竟然哭了。339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWJY44HSeky
339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ60RjENtYjO
小小林蓁不明白，以為為家姐好。多年後，她才知道，家姐覺得林蓁擅作主張的求饒，是一種背叛。339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡY595S6Kz2p
339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgNsJxyTPN9
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339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvQ2JdshGkB
隨即，她去洗澡，在黑暗中淋浴，覺得一切都很靜，視覺的減退一併萎縮其他感官。339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkzA06z7iwA
339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtXkaOCStPb
不知是否吃了藥的緣故，她比以往快入睡。339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuiXjmTNHlq
