後來，林蓁回想舊事，喜歡Y先生時，其實已是中四。記憶再模糊，感受亦是真。307Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOJjElIIBWI
307Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHVO3a0FGFg
她之所以傷心，除了因為他不喜歡自己，還因為那個熱心助人的同學，竟然用「豬閪」這種字詞形容人。307Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9zcykb01T5
307Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡt6te2Bxb1j
自此之後，她就沒有喜歡過男生。307Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9lSAgO9dGL
307Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpC6zLZhfJy
／307Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAxQiB63vr5
307Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwRsB9WYBgI
每次感到空虛時，林蓁也會意圖填滿自己。307Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwzG0Oh1YM4
307Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0cOu3vMdUg
以食物填滿胃，以粉底液填滿毛孔，以男人的話語填滿口腔。307Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡujYcI9fdJd
307Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡs9nWVPJUCK
她記得上次輔導員問，除了跑步，她還有沒有其他的方法，可以緩解情緒。她有更多是沒有說出口的。307Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWL8rg8jd2O
307Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFUHiFbpRr1
例如，暴食。307Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ07NiUj2jzN
307Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbxpnJKrss9
時時如此，只是，她後來會節食一段時間來控制身型，讓別人看不出早就經過一段飲食的變化。好吃或能提供味覺刺激的食物總是不健康的，韓國辣麵、炸雞、珍珠奶茶，唯有滿是油、糖、脂肪的「邪惡感」，才讓她覺得自己對於悲傷贖了罪。307Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡizAkGFaBDg
307Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKDsxxqzj6a
如果進食不健康的食物，是對身體的懲罰，那麼她作為身體的靈魂主體，折磨自己，抵擋無法隔擋的、洶湧的悲傷。307Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNkJbH9cUDg
307Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAXA9iC3w6q
記得有一次，她留在周立沖處，聽他說很掛念A小姐。307Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡz8B83N0Gi6
307Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6kewA1AKvm
分手才兩星期，不過半個月，他若然思念，亦是正常。307Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡapcpvSzHYr
307Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡluPLJKZik6
她無法感受自己的情緒，只是得體地應答。可是，隔了一會兒，她近乎哀求地問他：307Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡH2zaEwnk8w
307Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHuU1uvjXZW
「可唔可以煮個印尼撈？」307Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsCmLZIZdBU
307Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0xFg916d6z
「啱啱先食完飯……生果都食埋喎，你餓？」307Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNn8G1WROmH
307Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDVLK3nQ8Cg
「我想食嘢。」307Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoci8dYS5qs
307Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVys0hpVGuM
「洗多札提子畀你？」307Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqQaXXSNTjw
307Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwZiljtyzw0
「我要食印尼撈。」她難得強硬。307Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhwtKwXczXN
307Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2ZTh0qiCR1
「你今日做咩事？奇奇怪怪。」他也不再多問，動身煮麵。307Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSaYgaafDdJ
307Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmDUQOC1vLZ
林蓁清楚，這是她的忍耐到臨界點了。307Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0XI1CABV9I
307Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2cynoNWfPI
她陪在他身邊一整天，開心笑開心玩，熱鬧過後，他傾訴的是另一個女子。她只是感到，自己不知為何要存在。原先還以為自己特別大量、包容，其實不是，她啞言，佔有慾在一𣊬間將她壓垮，還傷了自尊心。307Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjj9iRFHrM2
307Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwJGLjd6V31
可是他明明說她很好。307Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPpvAdyy2nE
307Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIXcSo62c1T
可是他明明說分手幾年發現只有她一人可以裝載他全部心聲。307Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3MDqlM7jhs
307Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlsUwhykt4j
可是他明明說她很特別。307Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjE0IAsujWK
307Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJTBfgzfNxk
陷入苦戀，心知無法繼續前進，發展出更美麗姻緣，卻捨不得離棄過往已建立的，譬如與對方的回憶，譬如自己投入過的情深意切。她那樣清楚，現時的快樂會飛散，認知若是過分清晰，實在無法浪漫。307Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAPzh884fok
307Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaJ8vpo5n0d
可是在心底深處，她很想往後餘生也有他。307Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeyQOuRccyy
307Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ98OoBOynss
因此她想要進食，彷彿以食物將湧動的情緒狠狠包裹。307Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6M17Ri4oO6
307Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdNszQkqeaz
「好食！」林蓁又嘻嘻哈哈，和周立沖歡快地聊天。307Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlKOPQ6EJEo
307Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmdWf4YC8CU
本想用滿是炸蒜的唇親吻他，她的臉被一隻大手蓋住後，他轉而主動親吻她的臉。307Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqdtlsLsAp0
307Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDi1ZqjkDD1
呵，這樣的二人，竟然不是親密愛侶。307Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqXejnGyvGU
307Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFNQhNlPcyi
她平靜起來——雖然由她自己敍述，彷如一個隨時都會失控的精神病人——她最怕別人怕她。然而，在旁人眼中，其實她並無特別的行徑，僅僅是，無緣無故便吃很多東西（而且，多數獨自躲起來吃）。307Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQpmMnlMVRK
307Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVY3HOCb2lp
不要怕我，其實我看起來很正常——這是她想對所有知道她情況的人說的話。307Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVIUmFtIsGC
307Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1Ui4Gb3tKW
「食多餐都好啦，你咁瘦。」307Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNIYXaoPHeW
307Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡREDlcKLIzu
縱然周立沖覺得莫名其妙，但也沒有追問。他只是覺得林蓁的話很少，比起三年前，雖然因嬰兒肥減退而更美麗，但是性格越來越隱晦。她以前更加有魅力。307Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡt3f677RX3I
307Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhxyG0DecCz
實際上他也不在意林蓁的莫名其妙。307Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEreL9G6GGL
307Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡow8LABIGrV
一直以來，她的身型沒有太大浮動，包括體重、體脂、肌肉量。307Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRduBG2h0zS
307Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnvj7oBB0wl
暴食的念頭多是突然襲來，不是因為肚餓，只是覺得「想食嘢」，於是便泡個杯麵，配搭檸檬茶，隨手拾起薯片及曲奇，又吃芋圓，直至盡興。吃完後，只有無盡愧疚——啊我竟然吃了那麼多，強烈的飽腹感將身體向下沉，更加難受。307Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3hhVxA3Vnj
307Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmhnCya8ksw
持續幾天，忽然又想：我唔想變肥，唔想人哋留意到我有唔同。307Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9TPkXIpq3k
307Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡL8VLmvc64F
現代女子多少有點身材焦慮，更見於年輕一代，是否、是否。307Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeVNeoGu9SR
307Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXvWzzfcpaf
因此，便又連續幾天吃少少，反正沒有人管她吃什麼，一個麵包頂全日、一杯綠茶飲一個下午，亦是常事。飢餓和過份飽肚的痛苦不同，但同樣是腹部位置作崇，前者似漩渦不斷將整個身體吸入，後者則圓潤而沉重地壓住身體。307Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4TU9fr9NFX
307Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwh18Vgkwkk
正常飲食幾天，又循環。307Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJ36O62uKS1
307Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡamUt03PqMr
在周立沖處留宿，其實已改善很多，畢竟二人多數吃一樣的食物，而他總叫她不要吃太少，否則沒有能量，三餐也足。307Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡd1K38xTMh0
307Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡodrrSaQTPE
最重要的是，她不想被任何人發現，自己的身心漸漸不健康起來，要以編配食物的排列緩解——她絕不接受有任何人知道。307Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxsvfah2bIL
307Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXjcDr0xlQt
其實她漸漸認清，除了這些那些細碎的不幸，令她病的，還有自尊心。307Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDgn1ZuRT3S
307Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2KENdVvnRX
握著那無人在乎的尊嚴，以孱弱身軀保護她，不想讓人知道內在殘破。307Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHJJcsZOx6z
307Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeWDp4rsHCw
不開心，怕被嫌棄。307Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHseCQCX44Q
307Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIfBwSabLQB
過往被家暴，怕兒時經歷影響自身太多，才壓抑，意圖說一切早就過去。307Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5MiVHXAzaZ
307Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcGFJYiBwwu
陷入痛苦的關係，怕被質疑批判。307Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQGN0LOVEot
307Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBKPRlp4ex1
沒有洩漏出去的聲音，在她心頭響鬧得很，變成鋒利的刀刃，刮在脆弱的皮膚上，鮮血直流，淹沒她。307Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6Q9t6Ar9s0
