Days and nights passed. Weeks. Months.19Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1rBd4HHuh1
You kept me occupied. You began to discover your will, more and more each day.19Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡA7KN92ZfHn
You were perhaps twenty moons old. And I... I was tired. Not tired in the sense of exhaustion.19Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡc5WN9XpcmR
I had known that for decades. I mean tired in a way that even death could no longer soothe.19Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ59S3W7TcrG
But I digress.19Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkSy9KtDaa1
I read more than usual at night. Not out of a thirst for knowledge. That had died long ago.19Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaXv4lWQPlJ
But because I didn't want to look at you while you slept.19Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9nmW5Emlfz
Your closeness reminded me of something that wasn't coming back.
At that age, you ruled with the unrelenting will of a strict queen. Your domain was the house. Your servants were defiance, volume, and the uncanny instinct to do exactly what I forbade.19Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8u0h7qKNTX
I might have admired it, that unshakable insistence on self-determination, if you hadn't nearly set me on fire once.19Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPgJ6FxEgvB
With a beam of sunlight, reflected through a little mirror clutched in your chubby hands. Deliberately. I'm sure of it.
I tried to dress you. A simple white linen shirt, delicately embroidered. Style matters. Like a name, it reflects back on me if you looked like a common urchin. I couldn't allow that disgrace.19Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBH8RA0AI9m
You stood still. Briefly.19Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7FzJ9RkTPd
Then you kicked me in the chest, tore the shirt off your head, and ran screaming through the house as if I'd cursed you with the plague.19Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTPkCmG2kOi
I thought: "Refined motor control. Perhaps she'll become a surgeon. Or an executioner."19Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwVt2QpG6oB
I had stopped chasing you by then.
Later, you stood in the doorway of the study, where I was translating rare scrolls on alchemical formulas and symbols.19Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCPQTOL0Z4W
If Grell brought them to market, discreetly and under a false name, they fetched me a handsome sum, and he kept twenty percent for the trouble. I offered him more, but he refused with the words:
"More is never more, Szandor. It's only heavier to carry.19Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvmBcQUrO6F
What you own, owns you, godbless!"
I could've strangled him for his pseudo-intellectual wisdoms, but I had only just gotten up.
He handled the worldly matters while I indulged in my curse. Silently, I was grateful for his support with you. Sometimes he brought you new dresses from the market, knitted socks from old matrons who'd once had children of their own and most importantly: fresh food.19Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtAlKVU5hzJ
He even advised me on how to make pear or apple purée more digestible.19Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjh7JaEr8ky
Somehow, the frail old man fully embraced the role of grandfather.19Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡed6VtZqTm8
I let him. Why not?19Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡF2ZeWl06H0
Far as I know, he never fathered any children of his own. You liked him. More than necessary, if you asked me. You sensed that he looked at you with warmer eyes than I ever did.19Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWiV0NmX6AE
Humans.
You were holding a spoon, your face smeared, probably with berry jam. Why?19Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9wgMWHuTrC
Only your personal god of mischief knew.19Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡM78i68o7zK
I looked up from the parchment. Wanted to scold you. Clean you. Restore order.19Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhNEnUWaAQh
But you just stared at me and said, casually: "Papa." One word. Just one. But it filled the room like fog. I froze. Blinked once. Twice.19Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdI7FQKr6Mr
"What did you say?" I asked, too softly.19Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbo3X2VeuB9
"Papa." You laughed. Pointed at my scrolls. You were in a playful mood. I said nothing. Got up. Took the spoon from your hand.19Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwaU2lMQ0Xr
The smell of jam reached my nose, and a fragment of a memory rose up: someone once told me they liked redcurrant jelly. I no longer know if it was from a dream or something someone actually told me, perhaps even when I was still human. I didn't follow that thought. It didn't matter.19Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCCDBUeppZy
"I am not your father," I finally said. You blinked in confusion. I turned away and returned to the scrolls, feather tracing over parchment. Behind me, you said it again: "Papa?"19Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEnWyk6ylZS
But softer this time. As if the word itself had become forbidden.19Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVlNlNiMhxw
"I am not your father," I repeated. But it didn't sound convincing. It sounded like a wish.
In the background, I heard a raven shriek. I looked up.19Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXeWo1WqOe1
There it stood, at the window, watching, like a silent spectator at a play.19Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnuA0ngvwAe
I stared back. It stared at us, far too consciously for its kind. Ravens are intelligent creatures, yes, but this? Even I found it suspicious. How long had it been there?
You squealed, came closer to the window. "Caw!" you cried. It flew off again.19Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpnSJPKLSeF
"That is a raven," I said with certainty.19Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeoa38c6fOU
I was meticulous in teaching your words correctly from the start. Not like the nannies who spoke to children or animals as if they were mentally deficient. How is a child's mind supposed to reach its full potential if you treat it as though it can't understand rational language?
Your language bloomed. You didn't stop. You asked questions. Endless questions.19Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaiVFOicEcF
Pointed everywhere with your finger, "What that?" I explained your environment with adult detachment. You'd understand eventually. There was no difference whether I spoke to Grellborn or to you. You babbled constantly. At first it was nonsense, wet sounds and gurgles. But eventually, tones emerged. Repetitions. Patterns.
I spoke to you often. But for selfish reasons. I wanted to have meaningful conversations with you someday. Discussions, philosophy. Civilized and cultivated.19Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmci4lVq1hK
If you pointed at an animal in a book, I gave you the name, immediately. Not childish sounds, like nannies do. No, you learned: wolf, moon, silence.19Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrmGMDAxpv1
Also: hunger, thirst, and monster.
You stood barefoot on the rug in front of the fireplace, your finger raised like a little judge, jam stains on your chin.19Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEeIjrTMuel
"What that?" you asked.19Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡV9AoEhIMsF
Your finger pointed to my wineglass. I looked at you. Seriously. The way one looks at a judge to whom one owes an answer.19Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXt3zysGphD
"That is red wine," I said. "An ancient drink for depressive creatures like me."19Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjppA0E8h3c
You nodded slowly. Then: "What in it?"19Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ96V80duqEm
"Fermented life." I lifted the glass, let it swirl, and clarified: "These were once grapes. They were crushed, left to ferment, and became alcohol. A controlled form of decay, you could say."19Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡczxWfrEOaZ
You stared at me. I knew you hadn't understood a word of what I had just said.19Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEQG0gqPoQD
"Too?" You meant: may I have some? I shook my head.19Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOYURzkxYlh
"No. You drink milk. Yours is warm. Mine is... fermented."19Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxUVPRoAbbV
You let the topic go. For now.
The real tyranny began in the evening.
Of all your little manipulations, this was one of the earliest and... most irritating.19Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIem4FTbxwv
You sat in your little chair, carved from an old tree stump I had "restored" with cushions and scraps of silk.19Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkEFFzntBB3
I handed you your warmed milk, just the way you liked it, and turned away.19Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQR1QLrZZMR
But you refused it. Completely. You crossed your arms, gave me what you seemed to think was a terrifying stare, and locked eyes with me.19Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3uSlJI6Cts
"No" became your favorite word.19Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCAmqbATXor
"Are you trying to manipulate me?" I asked, slightly bewildered, slightly amused.19Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUFRJZEXGkw
You squealed. And threw the bottle. Aimed straight at my face. Naturally, you missed.19Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaWPXj6VOUx
So I picked it up, marched back, sighed dramatically, sat down and held you.19Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbY0Y8CgxZz
Not because you had softened me, mind you. No. But because if you starved yourself out of sheer stubbornness, the entire experiment would fail. And that would be... wasteful.
You drank blissfully in my arms, the bottle to your lips, grinning like an imp with a plan.19Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9aBC7h4rvA
I thought, "This unbearable little goblin creature is toying with me."19Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxbFWfvG7Jo
And right after: "If she actually starves herself out of spite, I'll throw her into the fire and raise a wolf instead. Would be simpler." Yes, I was irritated.19Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGhdh5QwYAo
Your demands had no logic, no strategy. Just pure entitlement of a toddler.19Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡplZRJHDMmp
But beneath the annoyance, something gnawed at me. Something I didn't want to name.19Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1FCpF5YQ4H
When you finally drank, nestled in my coat, I sat there like a Madonna from one of those paintings but with dark circles under the eyes. I wasn't sentimental. Just... quiet.
Because you were content.19Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsOr2hWbXh3
Because, for the first damned time, something under my care was thriving instead of withering.19Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡL72L3dlK20
It was bitter and sweet all at once, and I had no idea what to do with that.19Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUYpkMH1V62
I held you. Not out of warmth. Out of function. Your little forehead rested against my chest.19Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwzWQH8dwFe
I felt it and let it happen. Like rain you ignore because you have no protection.
While you lay in my arms, I thought of Isadora. And her letter. It had branded itself into me, resurfacing in quiet moments.
I held no real grudge against Grellborn. Not truly. He'd known me too well, even back then.19Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQ86fpTNulS
I wouldn't have wanted to know why she left. Not at the time.19Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSzLAPP7PNv
I would've torn him apart. Myself. Everything around me.
And somewhere inside, I still heard her words, like a splinter I couldn't pull out, so I did what I always did: I tried to ignore it, until it fell out on its own. If it ever did.
I never understood her. She was wounded. Venomous. Bitter.19Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDqi8B2SuPV
A being who had murdered her creator with her bare hands. How foolish must one be to love such a thing?
She was always... dramatic in her silence. I would've preferred a fight. An honest one.19Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ41pQXrFoxF
Screaming, words like daggers, shattered glass and accusations.19Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEfuLZycTq7
Tears you despise as they fall. Something that proved life.
Instead... nothing came. Only silence. Like frost flowers spreading across a windowpane.19Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBSafve235g
She froze when overwhelmed. She wrote when she should have spoken.19Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQOx6nf1LIk
She left as if decades of companionship meant nothing.19Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpIgn6n7wvw
And now I'm supposed to believe she left because I failed to see something?19Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzYhRSRly6v
She always saw herself as the eternal victim of her own circumstances.
As if I were responsible for her suffering. No. I gave her space. I never chained her, never pressured her. I was there. Always present. Never like her creator, quite the opposite.
I never wanted to be her savior. A companion, yes. But she always came with those unspoken demands: Szandor, hold me. Szandor, kiss me. Szandor, embrace me.
She never understood that I had already given everything I could give. My time. My patience. My... restraint. What more did she want? A fairytale? I was no knight, no hero. Never had been.19Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVlRtpR5b16
And I was no monster either... at least not to her. And if that wasn't enough for her, then the problem wasn't mine. So she left. And now she wants me to ask why.19Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlAhSkApH4m
I ask nothing.
Not while you lie in my arms, a small flame in a godforsaken crypt.19Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBSpublzBKi
Not while, for the first time in decades, something... stays.19Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgYeuRGlMnj
Not while I finally have something that isn't her.
She left a void in me. You don't fill it. But you distract me. And that's more than she ever could.
I hate her. Because she knows me. Because she left. Because I never truly had her.
And perhaps that is why I could never hold you the way a loving mother would.19Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuvDgtm99l3
Not like someone who warms.19Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlAtOowD4eI
But like someone who understands that attachment is just another word for later decay.
What you own, owns you.
19Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtTQquYBiOn
