Did you know that babies possess scandalously sensitive skin?18Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAH04B4B64N
I, regrettably, did not.18Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡana46mwuNi
I once used an exotic soap. For you and your cloths. Sandalwood-scented, expensive, decadent, from a faraway land. I used it one evening to wash your linens, assuming,18Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAz3cHSHL3Q
"This will make her smell less like... sour milk and unidentifiable bodily fluids."18Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyXoY101XFz
What followed was a furious, red, diabolically itchy rash across your thighs and back that had you crying non-stop for nearly two days. A rash no demon could have conjured better.18Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡG20zsPOiIY
I was beside myself. I applied everything I had: witch salves, cold compresses, whispered apologies.
Eventually, I called Grellborn. Not because I wanted to. I had no other choice.18Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDnGSvIA2hu
I saw him wandering over the field to my little castle, as always, in an invisible fog of damp moss, old smoke, and the faintest memory of lavender and other herbs my sensitive nose couldn't identify.18Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡC4s02SE7iN
He looked you over briefly with a skilled look. Your red, irritated skin, your flailing little legs, your furious wailing. Then he looked at me. For a long time. Finally he said, "What... did you do?"18Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTUsrf7ELGt
"Bathed," I growled.18Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡp1CjSSvIac
"With what?"18Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1y0pGivEf1
I hesitated and shifted my weight from one foot to the other. "Sandalwood soap. From Al-Mahrak. I thought..."18Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpDEPvCANkc
"Of course you thought that," Grell interrupted dryly. "A baby's skin is as delicate as a spring flower. Too much sun and it wilts." He sighed in disappointment and shook his head like I'd just violated the fundamental laws of alchemy.18Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVy3YK0hImY
Then he reached into his robe and pulled out a small, greasy vial.18Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUQTzh1rDXj
"Here. When you said she had a rash, I quickly prepared this. A concentrated infusion of oats and calendula. Pour it into her bath, soak a linen cloth in it. No magic. Just plants. Usually that's enough. Godbless"18Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQlJU1eL5Bg
He handed it to me like it was the Holy Grail. I took it.18Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzpHyQKwMHN
And bowed... inwardly.18Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDIx5OC4sf5
Outwardly, I raised a single brow. He smiled. He knows that's all the humility he'll get from me.
Once your skin returned to normal, I reverted to the plainest, most boring soap I could find: unscented, colorless, uninspired. And that was perfect for you.18Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoamrffC2dm
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I read deep into the night: Anatomy. Psychology. Human development. Hormones, the stages of the mind. It became part of my research. You were no longer merely a child. You were a living doctoral thesis.18Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvdYrXF4YKJ
I read obsessively during those early months. Everything I could uncover about human development. Midwives' journals. Alchemists' charts on bodily humors. Even a musty, dust-choked scroll on the "connection between womb and spirit."
What remained with me was the theory of a long-dead scholar. He could've been Grellborn's tidy, better-smelling, academic cousin, that touch shapes the infant brain. That skin-to-skin warmth builds trust. And that neglect in the first months can permanently distort the capacity for empathy.18Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ67ZMiEX7WN
I remember closing the book and watching you sleep by the fire.18Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdWLieXopxV
"Very well," I murmured. "Let us see what cold skin makes of you."
I tested your grip. Your gaze. Your response to stimuli, as prescribed in the medical tomes. I was oddly pleased to find that you appeared completely normal. You were a healthy baby.18Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAp1rfbefrz
And then, finally, you smiled. A toothless grin aimed directly at me.18Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgPOBpWjFlT
No fear. No confusion.18Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxXf7wAm4fP
It was pure recognition.18Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAsWrXUP2JZ
Strange, isn't it? To be seen by a creature.
You must understand... I had centuries of knowledge. Philosophy, languages, politics, necromancy, court etiquette, even the subtleties of seduction.18Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡi3M6cwBCax
But... babies?18Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡw1X9ffiIn6
Babies are chaos incarnate, wrapped in blankets and sweetly scented.18Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwsMoNBMk7b
You cannot negotiate with a baby. I tried, believe me.18Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBbTWOFto29
I genuinely thought, "If I speak to her calmly and rationally, she'll grasp the futility of this tantrum."18Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡb3CCdwkcl3
So I stood there saying things like, "Now, child, if you would only consider the inevitability of this diaper change..."18Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXt9u6M6I7a
Screaming intensifies.18Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0iQTFRu40l
They don't negotiate. They demand. Their logic is ancient and absolute. Hungry? You scream.18Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqZsDNdnKei
Tired? Scream louder. A wisp of cold air? Summon the dead with your cries.18Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiIRcz0XE7p
Sleep was the most peaceful time. Yours, not mine. I sat by the fire, reading old folios, pretending not to glance over every few minutes just to make sure you were still breathing. And yes, once or twice I pressed a cold finger to your chest, just to feel the heartbeat beneath. You were that peaceful sometimes.18Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡP0EuFWgrH0
Pure precaution of course.
Grellborn once told me about babies who fall asleep at night and never wake up, and no one knows why. I didn't know whether it was true or if the old man was just trying to scare me.18Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLyKR9Uf1rS
Sometimes, when the nights were long and the wind howled around the house, I whispered to you. Never lullabies, by all the dark gods. Never. They were stories. Of ancient cities that rose and fell. Of monsters. Of hunger and blood. I thought that if I fed your mind with my world early enough, you'd grow into it. Become something other than a fragile human. Something... mine.18Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIHKUxzmQWO
But it wasn't always like that.
I was naive enough to believe I could gently ease you into a kind of rhythm. A daily structure. A ritual. You sleep, I read. Everything would be neat, quiet, harmonious. I was so wrong. 18Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTMyWmXl49K
You laughed in my face. Repeatedly. At 3AM. While the moon tucked herself behind the dark clouds in what I can only assume was secondhand embarrassment, you delivered a kick to my ribs.18Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmqwTAAJNNS
Your rhythm became mine.18Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYEU8FYwHAK
And I began to understand why sleep deprivation is used as torture.
And your tantrums? I learned quickly. I carried you against my chest, tightly swaddled, murmuring nonsense in a voice soft as dark wine... and you grew quiet. Not from affection, mind you. I suspect it was merely the rhythm of my voice. Grim, cold, but consistent. Always there. As if it were the only constant in your world.18Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEKZEYZGbIB
There were moments when I looked down at your sleeping face and thought: What have I done? But those thoughts passed.18Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHUlhzYonjF
Because you lived. And that, my little experiment, was the only victory I needed.18Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgiFKXVyOjN
Still, I had underestimated my undertaking. Severely. I foolishly assumed that as long as you were fed, clean, and warm, you would simply... lie there.18Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡswGhOEH4Up
Quiet. Adorable. If wet nurses could do it, so could I. Or so I arrogantly thought.18Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJfyWBQXnkJ
No. Babies demand engagement.18Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsXAsW05Nms
You wanted someone to speak to you. To read to you. To show you the world. You were so eager to discover the wonders of this world.
One day I left you with a rattle. When I returned, you were furious. How dare I leave you unentertained.18Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRV5JmEqQIj
From that point on, I read aloud to you whatever my shelves offered: grimoires, treatises, even lewd poetry (not that you understood any of it).18Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡI3YoAhxaO9
I sang dramatic opera arias, what fragments I could recall. With more drama than voice.18Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡq2ki8tWkos
And I invented absurd, grotesque, spontaneous fairytales. Of toads that devoured mad kings. Of witches who stole babies that cried too loud.
Sometimes you laughed. Sometimes you looked at me as if I'd gone utterly mad.18Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2BtKnll7j0
And perhaps I had.
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