Did you know that babies possess scandalously sensitive skin?55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4JxiWFX37w
I, regrettably, did not.55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJd647TN0jJ
I once used an exotic soap. For you and your cloths. Sandalwood-scented, expensive, decadent, from a faraway land. I used it one evening to wash your linens, assuming,55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWpPUEk16uv
"This will make her smell less like... sour milk and unidentifiable bodily fluids."55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7a2snqMcMt
What followed was a furious, red, diabolically itchy rash across your thighs and back that had you crying non-stop for nearly two days. A rash no demon could have conjured better.55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡS4XcR8p0bk
I was beside myself. I applied everything I had: witch salves, cold compresses, whispered apologies.
Eventually, I called Grellborn. Not because I wanted to. I had no other choice.55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5DDgxlQIyc
I saw him wandering over the field to my little castle, as always, in an invisible fog of damp moss, old smoke, and the faintest memory of lavender and other herbs my sensitive nose couldn't identify.55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPnqMZxFpdV
He looked you over briefly with a skilled look. Your red, irritated skin, your flailing little legs, your furious wailing. Then he looked at me. For a long time. Finally he said, "What... did you do?"55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9rJdvWLq1m
"Bathed," I growled.55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9RZK8iibRC
"With what?"55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdon0wmJMf6
I hesitated and shifted my weight from one foot to the other. "Sandalwood soap. From Al-Mahrak. I thought..."55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3j2yWFV6fr
"Of course you thought that," Grell interrupted dryly. "A baby's skin is as delicate as a spring flower. Too much sun and it wilts." He sighed in disappointment and shook his head like I'd just violated the fundamental laws of alchemy.55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ717xSyj4E3
Then he reached into his robe and pulled out a small, greasy vial.55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡe6S8DTi1Gw
"Here. When you said she had a rash, I quickly prepared this. A concentrated infusion of oats and calendula. Pour it into her bath, soak a linen cloth in it. No magic. Just plants. Usually that's enough. Godbless"55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡa7lH2omNeo
He handed it to me like it was the Holy Grail. I took it.55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiiPFwA1n5k
And bowed... inwardly.55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPvSla4ewdG
Outwardly, I raised a single brow. He smiled. He knows that's all the humility he'll get from me.
Once your skin returned to normal, I reverted to the plainest, most boring soap I could find: unscented, colorless, uninspired. And that was perfect for you.55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhnvcfr9XZw
55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2n2jBQDGwp
I read deep into the night: Anatomy. Psychology. Human development. Hormones, the stages of the mind. It became part of my research. You were no longer merely a child. You were a living doctoral thesis.55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhjT105G7HK
I read obsessively during those early months. Everything I could uncover about human development. Midwives' journals. Alchemists' charts on bodily humors. Even a musty, dust-choked scroll on the "connection between womb and spirit."
What remained with me was the theory of a long-dead scholar. He could've been Grellborn's tidy, better-smelling, academic cousin, that touch shapes the infant brain. That skin-to-skin warmth builds trust. And that neglect in the first months can permanently distort the capacity for empathy.55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ95YXPCZKG5
I remember closing the book and watching you sleep by the fire.55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡROv5VunwUp
"Very well," I murmured. "Let us see what cold skin makes of you."
I tested your grip. Your gaze. Your response to stimuli, as prescribed in the medical tomes. I was oddly pleased to find that you appeared completely normal. You were a healthy baby.55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLqyf7FtOHV
And then, finally, you smiled. A toothless grin aimed directly at me.55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtT8yq63XXH
No fear. No confusion.55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsVYYoMmfsy
It was pure recognition.55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNObF7auyp8
Strange, isn't it? To be seen by a creature.
You must understand... I had centuries of knowledge. Philosophy, languages, politics, necromancy, court etiquette, even the subtleties of seduction.55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡo1BfzJycUW
But... babies?55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7a8Z7uq6gK
Babies are chaos incarnate, wrapped in blankets and sweetly scented.55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgpVt5TFMFz
You cannot negotiate with a baby. I tried, believe me.55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXsIeIilVYc
I genuinely thought, "If I speak to her calmly and rationally, she'll grasp the futility of this tantrum."55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9BfwLAjUXD
So I stood there saying things like, "Now, child, if you would only consider the inevitability of this diaper change..."55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡs4KH2QOOOv
Screaming intensifies.55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNjTGlNfYQz
They don't negotiate. They demand. Their logic is ancient and absolute. Hungry? You scream.55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡy8ZZ6KCwHI
Tired? Scream louder. A wisp of cold air? Summon the dead with your cries.55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEi8TcheuRZ
Sleep was the most peaceful time. Yours, not mine. I sat by the fire, reading old folios, pretending not to glance over every few minutes just to make sure you were still breathing. And yes, once or twice I pressed a cold finger to your chest, just to feel the heartbeat beneath. You were that peaceful sometimes.55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhrLGm4924F
Pure precaution of course.
Grellborn once told me about babies who fall asleep at night and never wake up, and no one knows why. I didn't know whether it was true or if the old man was just trying to scare me.55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡF9ivWlRcOP
Sometimes, when the nights were long and the wind howled around the house, I whispered to you. Never lullabies, by all the dark gods. Never. They were stories. Of ancient cities that rose and fell. Of monsters. Of hunger and blood. I thought that if I fed your mind with my world early enough, you'd grow into it. Become something other than a fragile human. Something... mine.55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡA8QpbwoyMq
But it wasn't always like that.
I was naive enough to believe I could gently ease you into a kind of rhythm. A daily structure. A ritual. You sleep, I read. Everything would be neat, quiet, harmonious. I was so wrong. 55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCUbdk9a123
You laughed in my face. Repeatedly. At 3AM. While the moon tucked herself behind the dark clouds in what I can only assume was secondhand embarrassment, you delivered a kick to my ribs.55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCBIrf97kPf
Your rhythm became mine.55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSbZJRgyQ7W
And I began to understand why sleep deprivation is used as torture.
And your tantrums? I learned quickly. I carried you against my chest, tightly swaddled, murmuring nonsense in a voice soft as dark wine... and you grew quiet. Not from affection, mind you. I suspect it was merely the rhythm of my voice. Grim, cold, but consistent. Always there. As if it were the only constant in your world.55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDWCGayU8K8
There were moments when I looked down at your sleeping face and thought: What have I done? But those thoughts passed.55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzqLNlA2U73
Because you lived. And that, my little experiment, was the only victory I needed.55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrLlmcVCuBJ
Still, I had underestimated my undertaking. Severely. I foolishly assumed that as long as you were fed, clean, and warm, you would simply... lie there.55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKohkWtWbIc
Quiet. Adorable. If wet nurses could do it, so could I. Or so I arrogantly thought.55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVwpWK7sNwX
No. Babies demand engagement.55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7mvzdYzYkc
You wanted someone to speak to you. To read to you. To show you the world. You were so eager to discover the wonders of this world.
One day I left you with a rattle. When I returned, you were furious. How dare I leave you unentertained.55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNsyYgrfixr
From that point on, I read aloud to you whatever my shelves offered: grimoires, treatises, even lewd poetry (not that you understood any of it).55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡz2yyLgGekP
I sang dramatic opera arias, what fragments I could recall. With more drama than voice.55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8cIuKhzNR5
And I invented absurd, grotesque, spontaneous fairytales. Of toads that devoured mad kings. Of witches who stole babies that cried too loud.
Sometimes you laughed. Sometimes you looked at me as if I'd gone utterly mad.55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡP9dJeeudDu
And perhaps I had.
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